Chapter 38
“This circle shouldn’t be a place where I have to worry
about being judged or living up to a standard or keeping
grown women from killing each other.”
–Angel King
Lawson joined Angel for a cup of tea at Angel’s house. It was one of the few places she still felt welcomed.
“How are you holding up these days?” she asked Angel.
“It depends on which minute you ask. Right now, I’m okay. Fifteen minutes ago, I was a mess. An hour from now, who knows? Duke’s case is still pending, and it’s stressing both of us out. He thinks I don’t believe in him, and I can’t say definitively that I do. I’m afraid this may be what finally ends our love story.”
“Angel, I’m completely confident that you and Duke will find your way back to each other. You always do.”
“Time will tell,” said Angel. “You and Namon still on the outs?”
Lawson nodded.
“And Reggie?”
Lawson nodded again.
“What about you and Sully?”
Lawson sighed. “It’s complicated with us.”
“Dang, is there anyone you’re still cool with?” joked Angel.
“I have you and Kina still ridin’ for me.”
“If it counts for anything, I did try to get Sully to reconcile with you. Of course, that was before she and I became fast frenemies.”
Lawson was shocked to learn that Angel and Sullivan had fallen out too. “Et tu, Brute?’”
“Yeah, she started going in on Duke again, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I said some things. She said some things. It got pretty nasty.”
“I’m sad to hear that, but I know how hard it is when the people you love and count on don’t support you.”
“Ain’t that the truth? I know everybody else has bailed, but you’ll always have me,” Angel assured her. “I’ve got your back. Despite what you have going on with Reggie and Sullivan, you’ve been great to me. You’re an amazing friend, which is exactly what I’ve needed with everything going on with Duke. You have no idea what your support has meant to me.”
“It’s easy. I know Duke didn’t do it.”
“Thank you. Why can’t anyone else see that?”
“Some people would rather believe the worst about everybody else. My mom used to always say that it’s easier to believe than to think. Considering what Reggie and Sully have gone through with men, it’s no surprise that they would side with Duke’s accuser.”
“I guess.”
“It’s kind of like my situation with Namon. Reggie and Sully don’t agree with what I did regarding the abortion, but you understand why I did it, don’t you?”
Angel leaned forward. “Actually, no, I don’t.”
Lawson was surprised by her answer. “Why not?”
“Lawson, you were so vehement with your disapproval a year ago, when I had an abortion. You droned on and on about how my baby deserved a chance at life and how selfish I was being for not telling the baby’s father about the abortion. I was riddled with guilt because of it. That guilt was one of the reasons I started abusing painkillers.”
“So it’s my fault you started popping pills like they were candy?”
“No, but your condemnation didn’t help! On top of that, you never even apologized for how you treated me. Then you turned around and tried to do the same thing to Namon that you shunned me for doing to Jordan. The same abortion that was such as sin for me to get was perfectly acceptable when you tried to force one on your son’s girlfriend.”
“Angel, the situation with Namon is completely different.”
“How so?”
“Namon and Shari are in no position to raise a child.”
“Yeah, but at the time, neither was I. I could barely afford to feed myself, much less anyone else. I was working three jobs just to make ends meet, and Jordan certainly wasn’t the man I wanted to share a child with.”
“True, but you were old enough to know better and established enough make it work. Shari and Namon aren’t.”
Angel shook her head. “That’s amazing.”
“What?”
“Your ability to commit the same sins you accuse everyone else of yet find a convenient way to rationalize it when you’re at fault.”
“I have principles, and at least I try to do the right thing. My heart and intentions are always in the right place.”
“And ours aren’t?”
“I don’t know. Was your heart in the right place when Miley wound up in the hospital, getting stitches, because you were indulging in your porn obsession instead of watching her? Was Sully’s heart in the right place when she was sleeping with Vaughn and Charles at the same time? What about Kina when she outed Reggie for TV ratings or Reggie when she was stripping for married men and dropping her drawers for tips?”
“Love doesn’t keep a record of the wrong others do,” said Angel, quoting. “Lawson, I could just as easily dredge up your past sins, like lying to your husband or the deplorable way you treated poor Simon in the beginning. Not to mention how you played Mark and Garrett against each other and tried to convince Reggie that Mark wanted her only for sex. But I guess your heart was in the right place all those times too, right?”
Lawson rolled her eyes.
“You’re self-righteous and judgmental. You can dish it, but you sure as heck can’t take it. This is the way you eventually drive all the people you love away from you.”
“Angel, if I didn’t set a standard, there wouldn’t be one in this group.”
“I don’t think anybody has a problem with you having a standard. The issue is that you set one that not even you yourself can maintain, but you judge us when we fall short.”
“Regardless of what I’ve done right or wrong, I’ve always been a friend and been there for all of you. I’ve been the one praying, holding your hand, letting you know it’s going to be okay. Is it too much to ask for my friends to do the same?”
“No, but you make us not want to support you when you get all ‘moral majority’ on us.”
Lawson pursed her lips together and set down her cup. “I think coming here was a mistake.”
Angel paused before speaking. “Maybe it was.”
“You have a pleasant day,” declared Lawson in the nastiest tone possible. She stomped toward the door but stopped when she placed her hand on the doorknob. “What are we doing?”
“You were seeing yourself out,” retorted Angel.
Lawson came back into the room with Angel. “Don’t you see what’s happening to us? Everybody is all splintered off and mad.”
“It’s not the first time that’s happened,” said Angel.
“It’s never been this bad and for this long. We all know that Sullivan is a hothead and Reggie has a smart mouth, and both are usually the source of problems in our friendship. But you and I, Angel, are always the rational ones, the two who diffuse the drama and keep everyone together.”
Angel stood up. “I think that’s the problem, Lawson. Friendship shouldn’t be this much work! My friends should be my refuge from the craziness out in the rest of the world. This circle shouldn’t be a place where I have to worry about being judged or living up to a standard or keeping grown women from killing each other.”
“But that’s what we do! We argue, we get mad, we cuss each other out, but we always get it together. That’s what friends do.”
“No, that’s what we do and it’s exhausting! I don’t even have this much drama in my relationships with men. It’s like we’re trapped in a bad marriage.”
“And now you sound like you want out, is that it?”
Angel exhaled. “Why are you making it sound like I’m a defector for wanting a little break? Do you know how much I have going on in my life, Lawson? My own personal drama is enough without everybody else’s.”
“I get that. I’m just afraid that if we don’t put a stop to all the infighting, we’re going to end up losing our friendship.”
Angel mulled it over. “Would that be so terrible?” She paused. “In fact, I think it might be exactly what we need.”