Chapter 43
“Sometimes I don’t know how to cope with pain.”
–Sullivan Webb
Sullivan came home and found Charles already in bed, asleep. He stirred when he heard her come in the bedroom. She set her keys down on her dresser.
“Hey,” she said.
Charles glanced over at the clock. “It’s kind of late. Where were you?”
“I was with the girls. I didn’t mean to wake you. I’m sorry.”
“No need to apologize. I know you love spending time with your friends,” said Charles.
“I think I’ve been showing them a little too much love.” Sullivan gazed at Charles. “And not enough love to my husband.”
That caught Charles’s attention.
Sullivan sat at the foot of their bed. “And you’re wrong, Charles. I do owe you an apology.”
“For what?”
“I was talking to Vera yesterday. She reminded me what a good man you are and how blessed I am to have you.”
Charles was surprised. “Vera said that?”
Sullivan nodded. “Anytime a falling-down, train wreck of a mother like Vera gives a compliment, it’s worth taking note!”
They both laughed.
“Charles, I’ve been so caught up in my own grief and pain that I couldn’t see what a completely selfless act you committed by saving my life. It was an impossible position for you to be in.”
“Yes, it was,” agreed Charles. “But I knew if Christian stayed inside of you, you both could die. If I let the doctor deliver him, there was a greater chance that both of you would survive. Maybe it was a little selfish on my part, but I couldn’t risk losing you, Sullivan. I just couldn’t.”
Sullivan hugged him. “I know that now. It took an incredible amount of love and courage to do what you did, and I know that you grieved for our son just as much as I did.”
“I really did, Sullivan. I had so many dreams and plans for that boy. I wanted to teach him how to fish and play ball, how to treat a lady, and how to be a man of God. It broke my heart when he didn’t pull through. It broke again when you blamed me for killing him.”
“I’m so sorry for that. I was hurt, and I needed someone to blame.”
“It’s okay, but, Sullivan, I can’t be your whipping boy whenever you get ready to lash out at somebody, and you’ve got to find a way to handle your problems without turning to alcohol.”
“What am I supposed to turn to?”
“It’s not a what. It’s a who. God.”
“It’s easy for you to say that. You’re a pastor. You have an inside connection with Him.”
Charles laughed. “I have the same inside connection you have, darling.”
“Sometimes I don’t know how to cope with pain. Unfortunately, when it comes to dealing with hurt and disappointment, I revert to acting like Vera. I become mean and destructive like her.”
“I know you saw way more than you should have growing. Vera did and said things in front of you that no child should have to witness, but you’re a grown woman now. You can’t blame everything on Vera and your childhood. At some point, we’ve all got to grow up and realize who the problem really is.”
Sullivan took a deep breath. “You’re right. The issue is with me. I’m the one who hurt you, and I’m the one who’s pushed you away time and time again.”
“Well, I believe we’ve both been guilty on that end. I’ve let the church come between us, and I was wrong for that. Yes, God called me to preach, but he called me to minister to my wife and my family first. I’m sorry that I haven’t always made you my priority.”
Sullivan wouldn’t let him blame himself. “Charles, I can’t hold anything against you after all I’ve put you through.”
“No, I still have to be held accountable just like you do. Sullivan, the only way this marriage is going to work is if we start taking responsibility for it and stop fighting each other and start fighting for our marriage.”
“Do you still want to fight for it?”
Charles reached for Sullivan’s hands. “I’m in it to win it, baby! You’re my wife. I’m not going anywhere.”
She smiled up at him. “Neither am I.”
“It won’t be easy, you know?” Charles warned her.
“I know, but you and Charity are worth fighting for.”
Charles drew Sullivan in and kissed her.
They both knew that their marriage might always be mired with complications, but they also knew neither one of them wanted to walk away from it.