Anna collected the broom and dustpan and hurried out of the kitchen before Elizabeth could think of something else she should do. With only two days until Christmas, Elizabeth had launched into a storm of cooking, baking, and cleaning, sweeping Anna along with her. All of their expectant mammis were probably doing the same, so they hadn’t had any appointments. Anna’s thoughts slipped to Dora. She hoped all was going well there, and that the babe would put off its arrival for another week.
Anna scurried into the living room, intent on her current chore, and was surprised to find Ben there, warming himself in front of the propane heater.
“Ach, you surprised me. I didn’t hear you komm in.”
“Shh.” Ben’s smile flashed. “I slipped in while you and Mamm were occupied.”
“Afraid she has a job for you?” she teased.
“Anna, you know me too well. I don’t remember Mamm getting in such a tizzy for Christmas in years. You’d think we were getting ready to host the church for worship.”
“She’s cleaning everything that stands still, that’s for sure.” She gestured with the dustpan. “It’s a special Christmas, ain’t so?”
He didn’t pretend not to understand. “I’d hate to think I was the reason for all this extra cleaning. What are you up to? This room is so clean you could eat off the floor already.”
“I’m supposed to brush up any needles fallen from the greens on the windowsills.” Anna moved to the nearest window and knelt, realizing a short-handled brush would have done the job better.
“It’ll just have to be done again on Christmas morning before the rest of the family arrives,” he grumbled, but squatted down next to her to help.
“A little extra cleaning is a small price to pay for seeing her so happy.” Anna found she was watching his strong, square hand picking up an elusive hemlock needle. “She’s so wonderful glad you’re home.”
His fingers brushed hers. “What about you, Anna?” His voice was low. “Are you glad I’m home?”
She dared to look into his eyes then, her barriers crumbling away like a snowman in the sun. “You know that I am.”
Ben clasped her hand, and his was warm and strong. That warmth seemed to flow into her, radiating up her arm and right to her heart. “Anna.” He said her name on a breath that caressed her cheek. His fingers tightened. “I...”
“So there you are!” Asa stamped into the room, with Joshua behind him, trying to get a word out.
“Daad, don’t.” Josh’s tone was anguished.
Ben rose to his full height, and Anna scrambled to her feet, still holding the dust pan. “I’m here, ya. What’s wrong, Daad?”
“What’s wrong is you putting ferhoodled ideas in your brother’s head.”
“Daad, I keep telling you, it’s what I want.” Josh sent an appealing look to his brother. “It’s only Ben returning made it seem possible.”
Elizabeth, drawn by all the noise, came in from the kitchen, wiping her hands on her apron. “What is going on here?” she demanded.
“What’s going on is Ben encouraging Joshua to turn away from all my plans for him.” He glared at Ben. “He’s talking about going as an apprentice at the machine shop, of all things.”
Elizabeth put a hand on his arm. “Asa, stoppe. You know Joshua always used to talk about doing that. If it’s what he wants...”
“It’s a boy’s foolishness.” Asa’s voice was harsh. “Joshua will have the farm. That’s what we decided. That’s what’s right.”
“But I don’t want it,” Josh burst out. “Ben does.”
Anna realized that Ben’s hands were clenched into fists so tight that the skin stretched over the knuckles. She longed to reach out and touch him to ease the tension, but she didn’t dare.
“You let the other boys choose what they wanted.” Ben seemed to make an effort to speak calmly. “Why not Joshua?” His gaze challenged his father, and Anna felt as if the two of them didn’t even notice the others in the room.
A flush mottled Asa’s cheeks above his beard. “I am offering Joshua a gut life running a thriving farm. That’s the best any Amish son could have. And the land has needs, too. It needs someone who won’t run away from it.”
A gasp sounded from Elizabeth. She was on the verge of tears, seeing two that she loved so at odds. Anna’s heart hurt for all of them.
Ben was perfectly still. Only the pulse pounding visibly at his temple and the white line around his lips showed his pain.
He took one step toward his father. “Don’t make Joshua pay for your disappointment with me, Daad.” He spun and stalked out of the house.
Anna imagined she could hear Asa’s teeth grinding together. Then he stamped out in the opposite direction. Elizabeth stood there, hands twisted in her apron, seeing her planned Christmas crumbling around her.
Anna shook off her paralysis and hurried to Elizabeth, putting her arms around her.
“I’m so sorry. So sorry,” she murmured.
“It’s my fault.” Josh looked on the edge of tears. “Ben told me to wait until after the holidays. He said he’d go with me to talk to Daad. But I wanted it settled, and Daad was in such a gut mood, and I thought... I thought...” He rubbed his face with both hands, not attempting to finish the sentence.
Anna reached out to pat his shoulder. “I’m sorry, too. I wish I could make it right.”
“No one can do that,” Elizabeth said, straightening. “Asa and Ben must find their own way to each other.”
Anna nodded. But in her heart the question echoed. What if they couldn’t? Would Ben go away again?
* * *
Anna found herself thinking that supper that night was the most miserable meal she’d ever had in this house. Asa ate stolidly, not looking at anything or anyone but his food. Maybe it was best he didn’t try to talk. What was there to say that wouldn’t lead to an argument?
Joshua, who normally ate everything in sight, picked at his food, pushing it around his plate. Elizabeth barely made a pretense of eating, her gaze drawn again and again to Ben’s empty place.
Anna understood, having difficulty keeping her own eyes averted. It seemed impossible to get any food past the lump in her throat, but she was unaccountably thirsty, gulping down her water and pouring another glass.
Finally the meal was over. Asa and Josh left the kitchen without looking at each other. Anna had a sudden desire to shake them. Though even if she did, it probably wouldn’t help.
Suppressing a sigh at the stubbornness of men, Anna carried a stack of dishes to the sink and began running hot water. “Let me do the dishes tonight,” she said quickly when Elizabeth gestured her away. “You go and rest.”
“Resting won’t help.” Elizabeth’s voice was thick with tears. “I must stay busy.”
Nodding, Anna moved over and picked up the drying towel. Truthfully, she was the same way. Doing something was the only antidote to being crushed by sorrow. She tried to think of something helpful to say.
“They’ll cool off,” she finally said. “Give them time.”
Elizabeth stared down at the plate she held, but Anna suspected she didn’t see it. “What if we don’t have time? What if Benjamin is so hurt he leaves again?” She let the plate slide back into the soapy water and turned to grasp Anna’s hands. “Talk to him. Please.”
Fear swept over Anna at the thought. “But I don’t know where he is. Besides, he certain sure won’t listen to me.”
“Ach, Anna, do you think I don’t have eyes in my head?” Elizabeth managed a tiny smile. “You are the one person he might listen to. As for where he is—he’d be where he always went when he was in trouble, with the animals.”
When Anna hesitated, Elizabeth squeezed her hands. “Please, Anna.”
What could she say? “I’ll try. But...”
“That’s right. Try.” Elizabeth released her. “Go now. Don’t let him leave us again.”
Even if Ben did talk to her, keeping him from leaving might be beyond her abilities. But she had to try. Getting her coat from the peg, Anna pulled it on and stepped outside, glancing toward the barn.
Darkness was drawing in quickly now that they were in the shortest days of the year. Anna shrugged her coat more closely around her and headed for the barn, not sure whether she hoped Elizabeth was right or not.
But as she slipped into the barn, she saw that Elizabeth did know her son. A battery lantern provided a soft glow, and Ben leaned over the stall gate, patting the pony who was nearly as old as he was.
“Visiting with an old friend?” She tried for a normal tone and feared she didn’t quite make it.
Ben acknowledged her presence with a short nod. Not very encouraging, but she moved next to him, reaching over to pat Dolly. The pony whickered and lipped at her hand, searching for a carrot.
“Greedy girl,” she murmured. “I don’t have anything for you just now.”
“There’s no point in talking.” Ben was abrupt, not looking at her. “Nothing left to say.”
“You’re wrong there. Joshua has plenty he wants to say. He’s so sorry he didn’t take your advice he’s nearly in tears. He feels he ruined everything.”
Ben made a small dismissive gesture. “Probably would have turned out the same either way. It’s not Josh’s fault. Not Daad’s either, for that matter. A couple of weeks at home can’t make up for three years away.”
The misery in his voice twisted her heart. “Give it time, Ben. Please.”
His broad shoulders moved as if to shrug off the idea. “Maybe I never should have come back.”
Again she felt the urge to shake someone. “Stop it,” she snapped. “Did you think it would be easy? You can’t give up at the first little obstacle.” Ignoring her own pain, she glared at him.
For an instant Ben glared back, but then his expression eased. “Did I once think you were a quiet little mouse? I was wrong. You’re more of a lion.”
“Only about some things, like seeing the people I love hurt.” She ventured to put her hand on his arm. “Please, Ben. Don’t make your family go through that again.”
He put his hand over hers, imprisoning her close to him. “What a big heart you have, Anna. You can forgive anyone. Even me.”
The warmth of his hand against hers was making it difficult to think. “You didn’t do it deliberately. If you found you’d made a mistake about me...”
“Is that what you’ve been thinking all this time?” He swung around so that their bodies were nearly touching, taking her breath away.
“Isn’t that what happened?” Anna found the strength to meet his gaze steadily, even though her heart seemed to be pounding in her ears.
“No.” His grip tightened painfully. “Anna, you have to believe me. It wasn’t that.”
“What was it, then?” If she’d had the breath, she’d have shouted the question. What else could she have thought, finding him gone hours after he’d said he loved her and wanted her to be his wife?
“I was just... I panicked. That’s the truth. I thought about what it meant. How we’d get married, have kids, have the same life my parents did. The familiar path. But I’d give up my dreams of seeing the world. I’d never know what it was like out there.” He jerked a nod to indicate the Englisch world.
She tried to absorb the idea. Didn’t it amount to the same thing? He’d weighed marriage with her against the outside world, and she’d come up the loser.
“Anna,” he said her name softly. “I’m sorry. I was an idiot.”
“The world out there...was it worth it?”
His jaw tightened. “You know the answer to that, don’t you? I came back. This is the life I want. But if it’s too late...”
Impulsively she reached up to still the words with her fingers over his lips. “Don’t. It’s never too late unless you give up.”
Something flared in his eyes. He took her hand in his. His lips moved, kissing her fingers, then moving to her palm. Then, his gaze holding hers, he moved his lips to the pulse that beat in her wrist.
Warmth swept her, welling up from deep inside. She couldn’t breathe, but she wanted the moment to last forever.
It didn’t, of course. But then he stroked her cheek, and followed the trail left by his fingertips with his lips. She swayed toward him even as his arm slid around her and his mouth found hers.
This was no boy’s fumbling kiss. It was the kiss of a man who longed for love. All her fears slid away, and she kissed him back with a fire she hadn’t known she was capable of.
It might have been a moment or an hour before Ben drew back. She touched her lips, trembling with the joy of being together again.
Ben studied her face as if memorizing it. Finally he spoke. “Three years ago I wasn’t mature enough to know what I had here. Now I am.”
Her heart swelled, waiting for him to say the words. To say he loved her, he wanted to marry her.
But he didn’t, and the moment passed. Instead he sighed and glanced in the direction of the farmhouse. “Guess I’d better go in and try to make peace. Go with me?”
She nodded, chiding herself for her foolishness. She was as greedy as the mare was, wanting everything at once. She must just be happy to know that his feelings for her hadn’t changed. Suppressing the vague edge of disappointment, she focused on her happiness. They would be all right.