Forgive. But Let Them Suffer

Duck Creek Campground, UT

 

Becca took another sip of whiskey and went over to where Lee was sitting and pulled a cigarette out of the pack sitting in the cup holder of Lee’s camping chair. She lit the cigarette and watched the tobacco and paper burn, her own soul burning with rage, hurt, and in the strangest way, relief. The tension between she and Lee, the tension that had existed for so long between them, was now cut and out in the open. And while she would let him suffer for a couple days, she knew in her heart that she would eventually forgive him. She knew he meant it when he said he loved her, and she loved him.

But I’ll fucking let him suffer over it. At least for a little while.

They went to bed. No words. Becca assumed it was 10:30 or so. Suffice it to say, they did not have sex. They hadn’t had sex in quite some time, actually.

Becca stared through the mesh screen at the top of the tent. Soon, through clouds and darkness, a dull star had appeared, and even though it was dull and hazy, Becca felt reassured by its emergence. Even as she thought about all the things she hated about Lee.

Becca also knew, without Lee knowing that Becca knew, besides this one-night stand, that Lee could barely get it up without looking at some form of “light” visual pornography either through Instagram or Twitter or Google. Him, scrolling through his phone all the time. But of course, there was no Internet out here. Becca knew Lee did not look at anything particularly deviant. They had discussed it once and Becca left feeling confused.

“Do you know what it’s like?” Lee had asked her.

“To have such instant gratification at your fingertips all the time?”

She did, in her own way. It was hard not to compare Lee to her favorite movie and TV actors, or perhaps her own misguided past fantasies of what her future husband would one day be like.

Not a cheating husband, that was for goddamn sure. But she didn’t know if she was supposed to feel sorry for Lee, or hurt, because, at the end of the day, he chose to look at other women rather than her, and apparently even act on this desire. At times, she found herself un-attracted to Lee, who had gained some weight, and was now, suddenly, in the last year, a perfect model of self-restraint and, inherently, self-righteousness, and yet seemed, in a sense, pallid, anemic . . . boring. Which was why this new information had surprised her so much. Becca really didn’t think Lee was capable of such a thing.

She was grateful for Lee. Someone who, an hour ago, she thought would take care of her and Analise and would not fuck around on her or get too fucked up. But she almost mourned the old him, the idea of a wild, exciting man, even if these were always the type of men (or women) that often left one out to dry, alone, and were not realistic life partners. She wondered whether she had made a mistake marrying Lee. Or perhaps it was her youth she mourned, their youth, barely a year ago, when they were head-over-heels in love and no other body type or personality or options remotely registered except each other.

God, marriage was a trip.

Becca fell asleep as the clouds cleared and the moon rose, casting a shadowy silver spotlight upon their tent through a small opening in the pine trees above them. She fell asleep dreaming of snakes.

She was a lone explorer floating down an uncharted river. An Amazonian or Vietnam-ish type jungle. An Apocalypse Now sort of world. Or perhaps it was simply just an inverted world as dream worlds are, inverted and misshapen. A black cottonmouth had slithered into the water behind her with a plop. A cobra sat on the rocks ahead of her, neck outstretched. The water rippled. The snakes moved toward her. One in front. One behind. At that moment her boat tipped over and she plopped into the river. She could feel the snakes brush against her body. Their mouths poised to bite. But as their mouths opened Becca woke up and inhaled a sudden gasp of air from the dark tent around her—her skin clammy, her fingers sweaty.

The trees creaking, the wind blowing.