I FIRED UP the engine, put it in drive, took off slowly. It didn’t take long to discover that acceleration would lift the front of the truck, tilting us to the right. Hitting the brakes tilted us to the left, which was good, but brakes weren’t going to get us out of the hills and down to Grange. I took it out of gear, eased off the brake and, engine idling, let the truck roll downhill under the force of gravity. That got us going too fast, so I rode the brake a little.
“Why’d you let air out of that tire?” Harper asked.
“I’m trying to get the truck to tilt to the left, away from that missing tire in back.”
“Super. So we’re running on three tires.”
“Two and a half, actually. Don’t breathe.”
“Okay, this is kinda scary.”
“Scary? We’re not going eight miles an hour. I could slam into a moose and it wouldn’t hurt us a bit.”
She smiled. “You know what I mean.”
Yup. Rainwater leaked out of my hair into my eyes. I wiped it away as I squinted into the night. The headlights lit the road ahead for fifty feet, then it was all flying water and black emptiness.
I almost lost it when the road began to angle left. The truck tilted to the right and I hit the brakes, steered to the right which I really didn’t want to do, got the truck stopped half off the road.
“What happened?” Harper asked anxiously.
“I can’t turn left without the truck tipping to the right. If it does, I’ll probably lose the steering.”
“That’s so wonderful.”
I knew what might fix this, of course, but Harper was still an unknown. I didn’t know how she would take it.
“Harp,” I said, probably too softly.
She looked at me. “Oh, no. What?”
“I’ve never driven downhill in the dark in a rainstorm on two good tires and a squishy third tire before. I’ll have to try something different, but I think it’ll work.”
“You think?”
“Not sure. Only way to find out is to give it a try.”
“Okay. Whatever it is, do it.”
“The thing is, you’re not gonna like it.”
“Don’t tell me I have to get out and push. There’s no way I’m going to do that.”
“No, and that wouldn’t help anyway. But the way I see it, you’ve got three choices.”
“Me? I’ve got choices? Not you?”
“That’s right. Given the circumstances.”
She stared at me. “The way you said it, I don’t think I’ll like any of them, but … what are they?”
“One, because we’re right on the edge of balance and your weight is helping tip the truck to the right, you get out and walk. When I get to the next town I’ll get someone to come back for you. If I make it.”
“Wow, that is so not happening, Mort.”
“Thought so. Two, you get out and lie on the hood or hang onto the left front bumper to put more weight on the left side. I should be able to turn left that way, slowly.”
“You’re kidding, right? No way I’m gonna do that.”
“Two down. Third choice is you can … okay, I need to explain something that I hope makes sense to you. We’re balanced on two tires, the right front and the left rear, but it’s damn close so we’re tippy. To explain this, I want you to imagine a straight line drawn between those two tires.”
She looked fore and aft between the two tires. “Okay. Not sure why, but okay.”
“Where does that line pass through the cab here?”
“Well, between us, about through this center console thing. Actually, a little closer to me, I think.”
“That’s right. The weight of everything on your side of that line wants to tip the truck onto that missing tire. The weight of everything on my side of that line is helping to keep the truck upright on our two good tires—and the left front.”
Lightning flashed, illuminating her face for a fraction of a second. Thunder boomed. “What you’re suggesting is, I’m on the wrong side,” she said after the noise passed.
“Not just suggesting, Harp.”
“Which is why you wanted me outside on the hood in the rain on the left side with lightning all over—which, just so you know, still isn’t happening.”
“That’s right. Which brings us to …” I paused.
“That third choice,” she said, as I knew she would. I wanted her invested in this.
“Right,” I said. “But you’re not gonna like it.”
She sighed. “What is it?”
“Don’t freak out, but if you were to sit on my lap with your back against the door, your weight would be over here on the left side of that tipping axis.”
“Sit on your lap?”
“Are you kidding?” She stared at me in the dim light of the dashboard. “You’re not, are you?”
“Wish I were, because you look kinda hefty. But, no. This isn’t some sort of an idiotic come-on, Harp. I’m very much married to an incredible girl, a wonderful girl. We’re still newlyweds, actually. We got hitched last November.”
“So this isn’t … isn’t … a sneaky ploy so you can, you know, like cop a feel or something?”
“Nope. I don’t cop feels, although that’s a nice use of 1950s vernacular. This is basic physics. If you move four feet to your left, we’ll get a few hundred more foot-pounds of torque in the proper direction, which might keep us upright and get us out of these hills. There is one last-ditch, Hail-Mary option, though.”
“What?”
“You won’t like it.”
“I’m sure I won’t, if it’s last-ditch. What is it?”
“You drive, I’ll sit on your lap. I could get a few inches farther to the left. Our weight distribution would be better that way—if you could drive this thing with me on your lap, that is. Right now, we’re riding a seesaw.”
She shook her head. “Guess what isn’t gonna happen because one of us weighs about as much as a grizzly.”
“Back to the girl on the lap scenario, then.”
Harper pressed her lips together, thinking as we sat unmoving in the dark, rain hammering on the roof. Finally, she said, “What’s her name? Your wife.”
“Lucy.”
“And she’s incredible and wonderful?”
“More than I can say. She’s my entire life. Nothing at all will happen if you sit on my lap, I promise.”
Harper was quiet for a moment. “What I’m wearing is all I’ve got with me, Mort.”
I smiled. “I’m in the same boat.”
“And this wet top is kind of—you know.”
“No, I don’t. I don’t notice things like that and I have no idea what you’re implying.”
“I’m sure.” She smiled, then bit her lower lip. “No other way to do this, huh? I mean, it’s not like I’m totally against it since I’m pretty much a normal girl, but it’s, I don’t know … unexpected?”
“Life is like that. And, no, I can’t think of another way to get us going since you’re unwilling to cling to the hood—which is a pretty bull-headed stance if you ask me, not that I haven’t had my share of trouble with women in the past. The last and final option is that we sit here listening to the rain and hope some friendly person comes along.”
“Which means we could be here all night.”
“That’s possible. We’ve got enough gas to stay warm, so it’s a viable option. Someone could come along in the next ten minutes, or not until sometime tomorrow.”
“Got any food with you?”
“No. You?”
“Nope.”
We didn’t say anything for almost a minute. I let her work this out. Finally, she said, “I have the feeling you’re a nice guy, Mort.”
“Thanks.”
“What I mean is, nice enough for me to sit on your lap without it getting too … too … you know.”
“I know, and thanks again.”
“And you … well, you’re kinda good looking.”
“Don’t make me blush. I hate it when that happens.”
She laughed. “Maybe I shouldn’t have said that since this is what it is. But it’s true, and it helps that you … oh hell, now I’m sounding kinda batty. Okay, let’s give it a try. Just don’t laugh at me or anything.”
“I’ll try to hold it in. Before you do this, I have to ask if that short skirt’s gonna be a problem. Sorry, but I thought I better ask now, not later.”
“It’s not a skirt skirt. It’s a sports skirt.”
“Huh. What’s the difference?”
“It’s for women’s sports. Mostly running, but you’d see them at the U.S. Open. That’s tennis. It has a built-in liner, which is about the same as panties except it doesn’t come out. Hope that’s okay.”
“It’ll have to be, won’t it? Although I’m not sure I get the difference.”
“There isn’t a lot, except you couldn’t find a skirt this short in a typical women’s store, like Everlane, Uniqlo, or Zara. Also, this liner is flirty. It was meant to be seen. If it bothers you, don’t look. That’s the best I can do.”
Intentionally flirty. Okay, then.
She removed her shoes, knelt on the seat and turned around, scooted across the console and onto my thighs. Warm, solid, wet female butt pressed against me. I caught a scent of girl as she looped her right arm around my neck, lifted herself and snugged closer to the door, wedging her body between me and the steering wheel.
There was some grunting, not mine. After a while she said, “This isn’t actually working all that well, so hold on while I get myself packed in here better.”
Hold on to what? Maybe she meant “wait.” I could get into trouble holding onto any part of her since so much of her was bare skin.
She pressed against my left shoulder, twisted her body a little, then put her left foot flat on the seat and worked her toes beneath my right thigh, up fairly high.
“Sorry about my foot,” she said. “I don’t know where else to put it. I hope this is okay.”
She smiled. “I thought you might.”
Her left leg was bent almost double, which flipped her skirt up. Her panties, liner, whatever it was, was visible in the glow of the dash lights. Her left knee was as high as my chest, right leg across the center console. She was cold, still shivering, left arm across my chest, half hugging me. The only place for my left arm was behind her back and around her waist. The fingers of my left hand couldn’t reach the steering wheel so I would have to steer with my right hand. All in all, it was hard to imagine the two of us getting much closer than we were.
“Omigod,” she said. “This is so … I don’t know.”
“Surreal?” I offered. “Necessary?”
“Both of those, especially that second one—not that this isn’t surreal. Can you drive with me like this?”
“I think so. If not, we’ll stay here and sing show tunes until someone comes along.”
“Ha ha. See if you can get us going now.”
The truck was still angled to the right half off the road. I made a wide left turn with the truck feeling wobbly and unstable, got us back on the highway, headed downhill.
I eased us up to eight miles an hour. After a while I got us up to ten or twelve whenever the road ran straight or banked to the right, less than five when it ran left.
At that rate, Grange was at least three hours away.
Lot of time to get the feel of this girl.
I came close to laughing out loud at the thought, but I managed to hold it in.