Chapter Twenty-Eight

Be My Guest

When Wycliff said Blaren House, I was stunned.

He looked at me, that way he often did, as if he’d read my mind. “I’m not taking you back to the Croome household tonight. They may be watching Nineteen Fournier. My grooms are there observing.”

I was afraid for my family, my boy, but I knew what Wycliff said was right. I nodded.

“Good. We won’t provoke the fight tonight. I’ll not bring trouble on your family. I have to be smart. We have to be.”

His words reached through the fog that had begun to fill my mind. I’d hit someone. I’d defended Wycliff with my own hands.

I’d been strong for him, and that made my soul rejoice.

But the look on Wycliff’s face seared my conscience. It was as if these spectacles had collected strong sunlight and burned me.

He was in agony.

I felt the heat of his reddening face. The man was enraged.

The nightmare I had lived these four years was new and fresh to him.

“You didn’t need to come out here, you know. I would’ve believed you if you’d explained.”

“I couldn’t talk about it. I wanted to pretend it wasn’t my story. I needed you to hear Madame’s testimony. I needed to make sure that I hadn’t jumbled things. She’s my proof.”

He rubbed at his skull, like he’d rubbed my temples.

I felt the pressure of his fingers, as if he’d touched me. I missed that. It had only been two days since the theater, and I missed him.

“You knew they were watching. I understand better your precautions. I guess you’re not crazed.”

“No, I’m not. I wish I’d been crazed sooner. Then you would have never suffered.”

I felt the weight of what he’d put upon his shoulders. I shuddered. How could he survive this every day?

He moved from me to the other side of the carriage.

I stretched and touched his knee, but he didn’t look at me. I wondered if he still could. Was I too damaged to him now?

Small talk.

We’d always been good at that. “Lord Wycliff, did Mrs. Johnson set this attack in motion? She came to Nineteen Fournier.”

In the lantern light, I watched him untie his cravat that now had dirt stains and sweat. “I don’t know. I think she’s easily manipulated. She’s grieving. She has a baby to come and her husband committed suicide in debtors’ prison.”

“But she stole the book.”

“She knew the trunk from taking this ledger book. She sought an advantage. Crafty but not malicious.”

He swallowed like his throat was raw. “I think she’d use anything for an advantage but not plot for a murder, and definitely not yours.”

Wycliff stretched out, but the sjambok was by his boot. He looked like a frustrated warrior.

The knowledge we’d just escaped didn’t make me feel any better. These acts of revenge weren’t done. Soulden and Nicholas Wilkinson would try to hurt us again.

I wanted to be told that everything would be all right now, but Wycliff was quiet.

Another hour went by. It was pitch-black outside, but the blurry trees highlighted by the stars were gone.

Wycliff shifted between folding his arms, clutching the seat, and checking the windows. It was an odd dance, but I understood. I understood him.

The outlines of the city could now be seen.

We were in London proper.

We passed the streets that led toward Cheapside. Then I remembered we were going to Blaren House.

“Thank you for asking about Cicely.”

It was the first thing he’d said in a while.

I tried to smile, but I was tired. My head ached, and I was sitting in darkness across from my husband.

“She’s my sister-in-law, and Madame would know about lost mulatto girls. She knows about everything.”

“You know everything, too, Ruth. No wonder you and Madame are friends.”

The tension in his graveled voice felt heavy, like the stones I’d thrown.

“What does that mean?”

“You had to make me take you. You discounted what I said, what I knew to be true. Why is it so hard for you to trust me?”

“Wycliff, I didn’t know we’d be attacked.”

“But I did. Is this enough for you to believe in my precautions?”

“I have to prove myself and my word to everyone. Why are you special?”

He rubbed at his face. It was very red, scarlet.

“Are you mad at me for what just happened or for what happened four years ago?”

“Not mad at you at all. I am mad at me, Ruth. I didn’t think of this as a possibility, that Nickie would be this cruel. This is my fault. I misjudged things badly. When we married, you suffered. You suffered four years. You suffer now.”

I wanted to put my hand on his shoulder, but I didn’t know what to say other than it wasn’t his fault, but I’d punished myself, too. I’d even taken it out on him. I touched his knee again to feel a part of him.

He took my fingers held them a second then released them as if he held fire.

“Now that you know I was brutalized, Wycliff, I’m damaged goods to you? That truth changes everything? It’s why I never wanted to say. Either I wouldn’t be believed or you’d hate me for their crimes.”

“It changes nothing about you but increases my need for revenge. If you’d trusted me, I would’ve been sweet to you. Much more patient. You could’ve told me in a carriage ride like this, just the two of us, talking. I didn’t need Madame’s testimony or the added excitement of running for our lives.”

“You’ve been sweet to me. You made me feel desired and beautiful. There’s no apology for that. But don’t confuse my reticence about what happened with you lying to me every day.”

“Ruth, I’m a cad if you think taking the opportunity to figure out how to get our love right was wrong.”

“What?”

“I didn’t get things right the first time. This was to be different. I wanted you to crave me, to feel me in your chest, your thoughts, I wanted you reaching for me always.”

He stretched as if he’d take me in his arms, but he drew his hands to the seat. “The more I suspected that you’d… that you’d been hurt worse than anything I could ever conceive, I needed to be more perfect so that you’d trust my affections.”

He had become perfect, and I did love Wycliff more than Adam. Yet, they were the same.

The carriage stopped.

“Ruth, I’m going to rush you inside. I need you protected.”

He took his sjambok and flexed it in his hand.

Once on the pavement, he reached inside and helped me down. Then he pulled me close to his shoulder. His cologne, his tangy Bay Rum, settled my nerves.

Swinging his whip, he kept me close. We went up the stairs and barreled into Blaren House. He rested on the other side of the door as a servant took his coat and hat.

I kept my wrap. I wasn’t sure I wanted to stay or if Wycliff wanted me here. Too much was happening.

“There are bedrooms upstairs. Go make yourself comfortable. You’re safe here.”

He left me standing in the wide hall.

I didn’t want to be sent away, so I followed him to his study.

Sitting on the edge of his desk, he put his sjambok down. “You should be resting. There’s a modest staff of loyal individuals here to assist you.”

“We need to determine what we are to do.”

“About what, Ruth? Staying alive through the night? Please go rest.”

I felt as if I was losing something, and I didn’t know why. I came closer. I had to see his face. “You don’t love me because of what Madame said?”

He stood up and came to me and placed a palm under my chin. “I’m in love with you as much as ever, but I need a partner. I want to be a father to my son. I don’t know how our marriage can work.”

“You burned the proof.”

“It was half a marriage certificate, like half a marriage, where there’s not enough trust. Nothing more links you to Chatsworth Adoniram Wilkinson. You’re still the widow of the mythical and flawed Adam Wilky. And I’m Christopher’s big cousin. I still get to have a piece of him.”

Wycliff giving up? No. To hold on to him, I put my hands on his wrists. “What are you saying?”

“That this is all my fault. My mistakes made you vulnerable, made us take unnecessary risks. I must’ve made you believe you had to. You don’t know me. But that’s my fault, too. I’ve given you Adam and now Wycliff. None of them are for you.”

“Don’t discount my need for the truth because you think me fragile. I am fragile, but I’m strong, too. I had to hear the truth. You had to hear it from Talease.”

He put his fingers to my temples. Then traced lines to my mouth. “The truth was in here. Just say it aloud. I would’ve believed you, instantly. And why should I not? You’re a truthsayer. I trust the truth in you.”

“Then why are you pushing me away?”

“Ruth, I’m not a truthsayer, not like you. I’m a protector. I’ll do what I must to save you and to avenge threats to my interests.” He moved back to his desk. “You’re my guest in Blaren House. Let me have you escorted upstairs. The best room in the house is yours.”

“Wycliff, no. We should—”

“Let’s survive the night.

He clapped his hands and ordered Lawden to bring me upstairs.

My truth didn’t break my Wycliff. I’d broken him, and I didn’t know how to fix him.

I let him push me away.