I stared out of the window of the taxi at a sea of endless red brake lights.
I’d managed to squeeze precisely two texts out of my dying phone battery, saying respectively ‘On way!!’ and ‘Shit traffic!!’ before it died for good. I tapped my foot impatiently in the footwell while my driver honked his horn for the hundredth time. Strangely enough, it had absolutely zero effect on the traffic jam ahead of us. It really wasn’t looking good for getting back by nine thirty.
Kekipi hadn’t been in touch since I left on my crazy, ill-judged Nick mission, and I didn’t need to re-read Amy’s texts to know she was furious. I really did need to talk to Kekipi about how to deal with this. And then I needed to talk to everyone I’d ever met about whether I’d gone completely mad. But I couldn’t. All I could do was sit in the back of that cab, banging my head on the roof every time we hit a pothole and regret the day I ever laid eyes on Nick Miller.
‘I can’t get you any closer to Park,’ the driver announced as I hung up. ‘We’re only a couple of blocks away but it’s a long couple of blocks.’
‘Don’t worry,’ I said with an inner sigh of resignation, scooting to the edge of the leatherette backseat. Goodbye presentation, hello Amy’s wrath. ‘Can you get me to Sixty-Sixth and Fifth?’
‘Sure,’ he replied, making a swift left turn that sent me flying across the back of the seat. ‘No problem, sweetheart.’
On the back seat of the cab I’d found a plastic bag, emblazoned with an I Heart New York logo when I jumped in, and even though I felt terrible about it, I nicked the oversized Fire Department of New York hoodie I found inside and pulled it on over my dress. All the adrenaline that had kept me warm had worn away and all I felt was cold and tired and alone.
‘Here you go,’ the taxi driver said as he pulled up outside Al’s house.
‘Thank you,’ I replied, throwing the last of my dollars at him as I clambered out. I needed to find a bank in the morning – New York was bleeding me dry. I never used cash in England, but here, I couldn’t keep my money in my wallet. How was it possible to spend twenty dollars on coffee and a muffin?
I stood outside Al’s house for a moment, my stomach in knots at the thought of Amy’s texts. And growling because I hadn’t eaten anything since lunch. Instead of going inside, I turned and walked quickly in the opposite direction, the train of my dress in hand, following the downtown lights as my breath turned into little puffs of grey-white smoke in front of me, like a really rubbish dragon.
A block away, I saw a little diner, spray snow decorating the windows and sprigs of plastic holly hanging over the door, and I didn’t even look at the menu – whatever was inside smelled delicious. The lights were brighter than my messed-up make-up would have liked, but it looked warm and friendly and as though it was very likely to sell doughnuts, so I ducked in out of the freezing night.
Right at the back, sat a red leatherette booth with his elbows resting on a white formica table, was Al. He looked dashing in a three-piece tuxedo, a long wool coat hung up beside him, and a steaming cup of coffee in his hands.
‘I would never have thought to style the dress that way,’ Al said, holding up the coffee up in salutation as my eyes adjusted to the light. ‘You youngsters and your high-low fashion. Very inspirational, I must say.’
‘Hello,’ I said and sat down opposite my friend, smiling at the waitress as she placed a clean cup in front of me. ‘You are just about the last person I expected to see in here. Why aren’t you at the presentation?’
‘I could say quite the same to you,’ Al replied, over the Christmas songs that crackled out of the radio behind the counter. ‘There wasn’t a problem, was there? Tell me the place hasn’t burned to the ground?’
I looked down at the NY Fire Department hoodie and shook my head quickly. ‘Oh no,’ I said, leaning back as the waitress poured me a cup of coffee. ‘Not as far as I know, anyway. I found this in a taxi.’
‘I won’t ask,’ he pulled out the paper napkin that was stuck in his collar and wiped his hands, before brushing the crumbs of something from his beard. ‘Yes. Well, I stopped in for a minute. It all looked as though it was going swimmingly.’
I stared at him in disbelief. ‘You didn’t stay??’
‘She’ll take one of the bacon doughnuts,’ Al told the waitress, hovering at his elbow. ‘Thank you, Marlene.’
‘You’re welcome, Al,’ she replied, turning the edges of her lips upwards in a warm smile. Of course she knew him by name.
‘They sound disgusting but you have to trust me,’ he said, pouring an unquantifiable amount of sugar into his own freshened mug of coffee. ‘If there’s one modern New York habit I do agree with, it’s putting bacon in everything. Really, who knew?’
‘Al, why did you leave the presentation?’ I asked. No wonder Amy was freaking out. ‘Does Amy know you were there?’
‘Amy had everything under control,’ he replied, pushing the sugar towards me. ‘People wanted to see the dresses, not me. Now, tell me the whole story of how you came by that fetching jumper? It’s a little large but it does set off the pailettes.’
‘They absolutely wanted to see you,’ I argued. Poor Amy, she had worked so hard to create something so wonderful and we’d let her down, both of us. ‘And you must have seen, it was incredible. I couldn’t believe I was still in New York, everyone was saying how amazing it was, how they hadn’t seen anything like it before.’
‘Well, that’s a relief,’ he said, an uncertain look on his face I hadn’t seen before. ‘People were enjoying it?’
I sat back, confused. Clearly he had dressed for the occasion – he was wearing a tux instead of a Grateful Dead T-shirt – and someone had definitely brushed his hair but something was wrong. The easy certainty he had earned from seventy-something years of living was missing and, if I had to put a label on it, I’d say he seemed sad.
‘Loving it,’ I said. ‘The collection was amazing, I really do think Jane would have been proud of you.’
We sat quietly while the waitress presented us with an enormous doughnut that took up almost the entire paper plate. I hadn’t eaten anything since Jenny had squeezed me into two pairs of control pants and I was almost scared to even smell this in case I split all the seams on my borrowed frock.
‘I thought working on the collection would help,’ Al said eventually, a sad smile on his handsome old face. ‘It felt like she was with me again for a while.’
I pushed the doughnut towards him but he shook his head. If a glazed bacon doughnut couldn’t cheer him up, I worried nothing could.
‘All that time I was in Hawaii, when everyone was calling me a recluse …’ He pulled a napkin out of the holder between us and began to tear it up into little strips of identical size. ‘All my friends and my family would ring me on the phone and tell me I couldn’t hide out there forever, that no good would come of holing myself up and pretending nothing had happened. They all wanted me to get back out into the world and do something.’
He laid the strips down on the table, side by side, carefully matching them up together in perfect order like a feathery jigsaw.
‘And eventually I agreed to do the interview when Delia asked.’ He smoothed the shards of broken napkin until it almost looked like one piece again. ‘And along came you and Paige and Mr Miller and, of course, dear Amy. Everyone was so happy and Kekipi was bouncing off the walls at having guests again. I thought, perhaps they’re right. Perhaps spending the rest of my days walking up and down a beach, talking to a ghost, is a waste of whatever good years I have left. But I still didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t have any ambitions left, you see, all my dreams had come true, many years ago. And what are you meant to do with yourself when you don’t have a dream to pursue?’
‘Chase someone else’s?’ I guessed, pulling the sleeves of my sweatshirt over my fingertips.
‘Quite right,’ he said. ‘I thought, if I could do this for her, bring her designs to life, it would be as though we were working together again. But now it’s done she feels further away than ever. And everyone thinks I’m a laughing stock.’
‘You read the Belle article,’ I said.
He nodded and blew lightly on the napkin and all the little pieces floated away from each other.
‘Industry nonsense, nothing changes on that front,’ he replied. ‘But if I’m honest, it all feels rather pointless.’
‘My opinion might not be worth much,’ I said, noticing how the fluorescent light above us made my dress glow a dark bronze, ‘but I think what you’ve done is amazing. You’ve honoured your wife’s memory, accomplished an ambition on her behalf, and you’re going to make thousands of people happy. How is that pointless?’
Al didn’t say anything, didn’t look up, just drank his coffee. I frowned and shoved the doughnut out of my eye line. It was hard enough having to be the one who gave the life-affirming speeches without bacon-studded pastries messing with my concentration at the same time.
‘You’re not being fair to yourself.’ I sat up straight and adopted a more authoritative tone but I’d never been terribly good at tough love. ‘When I put this dress on, even with everything that’s been going on and how difficult it’s been, it made me happy. I felt special and beautiful and that was all because of this dress. Isn’t that something worthwhile?’
‘You should be happy,’ Al admonished me lightly. ‘And you are special and beautiful. A dress is just a dress, Tess, that’s all.’
‘And what would Jane say if you told her that?’ I asked, tapping him on the back of the hand. ‘She’s waited how long for you to get off your arse and make these dresses for her and now you’re going to turn your back on them?’
‘They’re just dresses,’ he repeated, staring over my shoulder at something no one else could see.
‘And I just take photos for a living.’ In theory, I added silently. ‘I’m not saving the world, I’m not curing cancer. Should I stop?’
Al stared at the table for so long, I didn’t know whether to leave, shout at him or fuck it all and shove the doughnut into my face. Thankfully, Al cleared his throat before I had to make a decision.
‘I have to say …’ He picked up his knife and carefully chopped the doughnut in half. ‘You’re not bad at this motivational-speaking lark. If the photography doesn’t work out, you could always give that a go.’
‘One career change at a time,’ I said, accepting my half of the doughnut with great pleasure. ‘You should be happy. And if making the clothes doesn’t do it for you, go home, go surfing – and forget it all.’
He picked up his half, took a bite and nodded.
‘But I think you might have enjoyed it.’ I picked off a bit of icing and popped it into my mouth. Oh dear God – it was incredible! ‘Maybe just a little bit.’
‘Perhaps a smidge,’ he replied with a wink. ‘Right up until this part. I really do miss my home an awful lot and dealing with all the buyers and the press, it’s reminding me why I moved to Hawaii in the first place. New York isn’t for old codgers like me, it’s a city made for you young kids.’
‘I don’t feel that young right now,’ I told him, moving from the icing to the cake. Sweet Baby Jesus in the manger, it was a good doughnut. ‘Mostly, I just feel tired.’
‘Unfortunately that’s one of the side effects of youth,’ Al clucked his tongue. ‘You really don’t appreciate it until you’re at least forty-five. I thought I knew everything when I first moved to America, I thought I was going to take over the world and, you know, I think I probably could have. And then one day I woke up and I was married, I had a son and I was fifty years old and I realized I hadn’t a clue about anything.’
‘I don’t think I could take over a sandwich shop,’ I replied. ‘But Amy could probably stage a pretty successful coup.’
‘The only difference between you and Amy is that she knows exactly who she is,’ he said. ‘Does that make sense?’
‘Yes,’ I admitted. ‘I thought I knew who I was before, but now it’s all changing so fast. I wish someone would tell me, you know, describe Tess Brookes in three words, or something.’
‘You should never let anyone else tell you who you are,’ Al warned. ‘Or you’ll spend the rest of your life trying to be something you’re not. The difference between you and Amy is simply that she has no fear. She doesn’t compromise. You spend far too much time worrying about every possible outcome, whereas Amy acts first and worries later. Or sometimes never, as I’m sure you’ve noticed. She and I have that in common. Well, the younger me anyway.’
I laughed, and it felt almost as good as eating the doughnut. Almost.
‘Is there a happy medium?’ I asked.
‘For some people,’ he said, licking his fingers clean. ‘But you can only change if you want to, not because someone else thinks you should.’
‘The last few months have been so hard,’ I told him. ‘Everything I thought was certain in my life has changed, me included. I feel as though I don’t really know who I am anymore.’
‘That happens to the best of us,’ Al said. ‘And I’m quite certain you’re going to be fine.’
‘I wish I had your confidence,’ I said. ‘I’m getting really tired of making the wrong decisions.’
‘You’re going to have to let me know precisely what we’re talking about before I can help on this one.’ He dusted off his hands on another fresh napkin but left this one intact. ‘Work or Mr Miller?’
‘Mr Miller,’ I said, shoving the remaining doughnut in my mouth. Maybe I’d give up on love altogether and concentrate on baked goods. ‘I’m a glutton for punishment.’
‘Things never seem to go smoothly with the two of you, do they?’ Al mused. ‘I wonder why that is?’
‘Because he’s the spawn of Satan?’ I suggested, dropping my arms on the table and nursing my chin. ‘And I’m an idiot?’
‘You realize, one has to ask,’ he said, leaning across the table to lower his voice. ‘What is it that keeps drawing you back together?’
It was a fair question.
‘Obviously, he’s the only man left on earth and if I give up on him the human race will die out,’ I replied. ‘I can’t think of anything else.’
‘You’re sure there isn’t anything else?’ Al asked.
‘Nope.’
‘Positive?’
‘Yep.’
‘You can’t think of anything?’
I pouted, thinking back to the moment I got in the taxi outside his house and how badly I wanted him to see him at the door.
‘If you’re going to say it’s because I love him, I’m afraid I’m going to need another doughnut and a machine gun.’
‘Humour me,’ Al said, stifling his laughter. ‘Tell me what happened.’
With a bacony sigh, I gave him the PG version of events and then sipped my coffee while I waited for his verdict.
‘I say sleep on it,’ he said eventually. ‘You’ve really done all you can do.’
‘Oh.’ I was actually surprised. I was sure he would tell me to pick up the phone and hear him out. ‘I really thought you were going to tell me to give him another chance.’
‘That’s because really, that’s what you want to do,’ Al replied. ‘You could call him.’
‘But you just said not to!’ I frowned, clicking my neatly filed but terribly short fingernails on the table. ‘What should I do?’
‘You should do whatever feels right,’ he advised. ‘No one else can make this decision for you, Tess, however much you’d like them to. You have to do what you can live with.’
‘I can think of thousand reasons to call him,’ I said. ‘And a thousand more not to. I don’t think I’ve ever been this confused.’
Al nodded. ‘You’re dealing with very confused young man.’
‘He’s not that young,’ I pointed out. ‘He’s thirty-six. No, thirty-seven. I think he had a birthday.’
I knew full well he’d had a birthday. He was definitely thirty-seven.
‘You’re forgetting that troublesome Y chromosome,’ Al said. ‘Not predictable. And he’s far too intelligent for his own good, another one who overthinks everything. If I’d been in his shoes, I never would have made a play for my Janey. Remember, she was engaged when we met but I couldn’t ignore the way I felt.’
‘I think that’s exactly what he’s doing,’ I admitted and my sight sharpened as a fresh run of tears threatened to fall. ‘But I can’t force it, can I?’
‘If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be,’ Al added unhelpfully. ‘The path of true love never did run smooth.’
‘If he’s my true love, I might as well end it all now,’ I said. ‘Worst soulmate ever.’
‘I think you’re very lucky, Tess,’ he replied. ‘Very lucky indeed.’
‘How’s that?’ I wasn’t quite following.
‘Not many people find their soulmate, most of them settle for someone they can live with.’ Al rolled down his shirtsleeves and fastened the cufflinks. ‘And you’ve gone and found two of them.’
I had?
‘I have?’
‘Imagine being so lucky as to have a Nick and an Amy,’ he said, nodding. ‘A surfeit of soulmates. Imagine that.’
‘I don’t think I’ve got either of them right now,’ I said. ‘Amy’s going to be so pissed off when I get home.’
Al gave a big, granddad-sized sigh. ‘She’s every right to be upset with me,’ he said, pulling twenty dollars out of his wallet and placing it on the table. ‘I let her down. Perhaps we both did.’
If he hadn’t been paying for my coffee and doughnut, I could have really gone off him.
‘I can’t imagine what would have happened if I hadn’t asked my Janey to take a walk with me that Saturday afternoon,’ he said, pulling his long woollen coat from off his little metal chair and giving a whistle. ‘Where would we all be now?’
I emptied my coffee mug and picked up my bag. ‘Shall we?’ I asked, nodding towards the door.
‘You should,’ he replied, wrapping a grey scarf around his neck. ‘I’m going over to the Armory before they break down Amy’s masterpiece. I do hope she can forgive me.’
‘She’ll understand,’ I promised, certain she would forgive Al, not so sure I’d be let off so lightly.
‘She is a remarkable young lady, that friend of yours,’ he agreed. ‘I consider myself very lucky to have met the pair of you.’
‘I consider myself very lucky that you told me about that doughnut,’ I said, looking longingly at the empty plate. ‘Maybe I should take one for Amy?’
‘Maybe you should take a dozen so we’ve got them for breakfast,’ he suggested, tapping a finger to his temple. ‘Full of good ideas up here.’
‘One or two,’ I said with a smile.