| |
It hadn’t been Chad’s mother on the phone.
‘I’m meeting up with Phil’s wife Connie tomorrow,’ Michelle told Chad. ‘We’re having a girls’ lunch in the city.’
Chad looked up quickly from his dinner. ‘Who’s going to mind the kids?’
Michelle gave him a pointed stare. ‘I have a nanny. Remember?’
‘Yes, but—’ Chad hesitated.
‘Chad,’ said Michelle. ‘That’s what nannies do. They look after your children.’
His voice rose an octave. ‘You mean you’ve already left him alone with them?’
‘Of course, I have!’
‘And everything was OK?’
‘No,’ said his wife. ‘The baby died, but I went down to the baby shop and managed to find another one that looked just like her.’
‘It’s not funny, Mitch!’ Chad tossed his fork so that it clattered onto his plate. ‘Don’t joke about it.’
‘Then don’t be ridiculous!’ Michelle waved her own fork in the air. ‘Look, if you’re really concerned, I’ll invite him over in the weekend and you can meet.’ Trying not to smile, she added, ‘Or come to my mothers’ group and ask what they think of him.’
‘He goes to your mothers’ group?’ Chad was sceptical. ‘With you?’
‘Sure,’ said Michelle. ‘I thought I’d have to stop going because Rosie is such a demanding little hussy that I used to have to spend all my time pandering to her. Which meant poor Harry had to fend for himself. And some of those kids are—’ She paused.
‘Are what?’ Chad said anxiously.
‘Perfect corporate CEOs in the making, I’d say,’ replied Michelle. ‘In other words, narcissistic, sadistic little shit-heels.’
‘They don’t — hurt Harry, do they?’
His obvious distress made Michelle relent. ‘With me on the case?’ She shook her head. ‘One of them stole Harry’s Little Tikes car. I cornered him and told him all about what happens in jail. He was out of there so fast, the seat of his OshKosh corduroys had scorch marks.’
Chad was still uneasy. ‘Do the other mothers bring their nannies, too?’
‘Some of the nannies bring themselves! In fact—’ Michelle did a quick calculation. ‘Out of twelve of us, only eight are real mothers. If you know what I mean.’ She shrugged. ‘Most of the mothers use it as an excuse to absolve themselves of parental responsibility. The odd one is a hyper-vigilant control-freak, but in the main, the kids would have to be on fire before their mothers paid them any attention. That’s why it’s so good to have Benedict there.’
‘How does that follow?’
Michelle counted on her fingers. ‘One, he keeps the little shits in line. Even the most die-hard brat would happily follow the Pied Benedict into any old crack in a rock. Two, he’s the highlight of these women’s day. They can go home warm in the knowledge that they’ve now got something decent to fantasise about while their ego-maniac paunchy husbands are atop them, heaving away—’
‘Mitch,’ Chad winced.
‘Men who like power trips cannot fuck!’ said Michelle. ‘I know. I dated some before I met you.’
An odd expression came over Chad’s face. ‘And where do I fit on your spectrum?’ he said. ‘What kind of man am I?’
Michelle’s training as a lawyer meant she suspected every question was a trick one. Especially questions like this that seemed to lead to an obvious answer. Questions like this shouted out for extreme caution.
‘What kind of man do you want to be?’
Chad was silent for so long, Michelle was convinced she’d blown it. So much for her good wife act, she reprimanded herself. Why didn’t she just say he was a wonderful man, who was terrific in bed? Which was the truth. But too late now...
Eventually, Chad spoke. ‘I want to be my own man.’
Michelle waited, but when nothing else seemed forthcoming, said, ‘What does that mean, exactly?’
‘I want to know who I am.’
Being none the wiser filled Michelle with impatience, made more acute by an underlying but intense note of fear.
‘You know who you are,’ she said. ‘You’ve been you for thirty-five years. How can you possibly not know?’
Chad’s odd expression was back, this time accompanied by a small smile that Michelle found highly unnerving.
‘Mitch,’ he said, ‘you cut through this life like a laser. You’re crystal clear about everything: what you like, what you want, what you will and won’t do. You’ve defined yourself as distinctly as — well, as this table here. There’s no doubt about where it ends, no soft edges, no grey areas. That’s what you’re like. Distinct. Clear. No ambiguity.’
Michelle’s breathing began to quicken. ‘Is that bad?’
‘No!’ Chad’s smile was wide this time. ‘It can be — challenging. Coming up against you feels a bit like when I was a rookie quarterback in college. I got blindsided so often, I felt like I should start games lying down on the ground, to save time.’
He saw her face and shook his head. ‘Don’t misunderstand me. I admire you for being strong-minded. It’s one of the reasons I fell in love with you. But I’ve come to realise that I could do with some of that strength myself.’
Michelle felt compelled to leap in. She wasn’t entirely sure where this was going, but she had a feeling it was nowhere good.
‘You are strong!’ she said. ‘You just go about it in a quieter way.’
Chad’s frown was hesitant. ‘Is that what you really think?’
‘Yes!’ Michelle reached across the table and grabbed his hand. ‘Yes,’ she said again. ‘That is exactly what I think! How could I marry a man with no strength, no gumption? Bossing people around is no fun if it’s not a challenge.’ She gave his hand a squeeze. ‘Trust me!’
Chad stared at his hand, as if unsure if it belonged to him. ‘I do trust you.’ He lifted his eye to meet hers. ‘But I don’t trust myself.’
‘Why not!’ Michelle did her best not to yell. If Rosie woke up, this conversation might never, ever resolve itself. And Michelle needed a resolution. She needed it now.
‘I don’t understand what you’re saying to me,’ she went on. ‘Is that why you took the new job? As a test? To see if you had what it takes?’
‘Partly.’ Chad was eyeing her warily. ‘But I know I can do the job now.’
‘So, what are you saying?’ Michelle felt an urge to slap him. ‘You need something else now? Some other test?’
‘I need—’ Chad hesitated, choosing his words. ‘I need to find out what kind of man I’d be if it was just me. It’s never been just me, Mitch. I’ve never been alone.’
Michelle snatched her hand from his as if it had burned her.
‘Jesus,’ she whispered. ‘You’re leaving me.’
‘No!’ Chad’s protest sounded overly loud. ‘Absolutely not! I love you! I love the kids. I love being married to you!’
‘But?’
‘I need some time,’ he said. ‘On my own.’
Michelle shook her head slowly in disbelief. ‘Christ on a three-wheeler,’ she said. ‘You’re actually telling me that you need to find yourself?’ Her voice began to rise. ‘You’re seriously laying on me this new age cliché? What the freak next? You’re going to join a men’s group? Hang out naked in a sweat lodge and learn how to give man hugs?’
Chad pushed his chair away from the table and stood up. ‘I knew I couldn’t talk to you.’
‘Don’t you dare!’ said Michelle. ‘Don’t you dare walk away! This is your shit you’ve laid on me, and if you don’t like me getting angry, too bad! If you want to be strong so badly, then stay here and deal with it!’
Chad had been heading for the door but at this he stopped. He shoved both hands in his pockets and stood for a moment, his back to her, rocking gently on the balls of his feet. Michelle heard him murmur, ‘Shit.’ Then he turned around.
‘You’re right,’ he said to her. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Sorry?’ Michelle gave a short, mirthless laugh. ‘I’m pretty sure “sorry” is not going to cut it. I mean, what the hell will I tell Harry? What will I tell your mother who rings me fifty million times every day!’
Chad frowned. ‘Does she? Why?’
‘Because you never take her calls! Why would you? You’re only her son!’
‘What does she want?’
‘Chad. Seriously. Don’t ask me this. If you want to know what your bloody mother calls about, phone her yourself.’
There was pause. ‘Have you spoken to my father?’
‘Chad!’
His hands came out of his pockets and up into the surrender position. ‘OK, OK!’
For a length of miserable silence, they stared at each other.
‘I’ll talk to Harry,’ Chad said. ‘And I’ll call my parents.’
‘What about work? You’ve just started. Will they be OK with you leaving?
Chad avoided her eye. ‘I’ll stay working. It’s not ideal, but I’ve made commitments.’ With quick, wry smile, he added, ‘I’ll miss taking the bus, though. It was a good time to think.’
Michelle had been fighting off tears, but now they began to slide damply down her cheeks. Resentfully, hopelessly, she let them fall.
‘When are you going?’ Her lips seemed all fat and numb, making it hard to form the words.
Chad shoved his hands back in his pockets. ‘To be honest, I hadn’t meant to do this right now,’ he said. ‘I was going to work up to it, find the right time.’
‘Well, that plan’s blown,’ said Michelle. ‘So what do you think is the next best right time for abandoning your family?’
‘Mitch . . .’
‘Come on!’ The tears felt cold and clammy on her skin. Angrily, she swiped them away. ‘You can’t put it off now!’
‘What about Monday, then? After the weekend.’
‘So I’ll be forced to pretend for three days that everything is hunky-dory? Smile and carry on regardless? Is that what you expect?’
Chad blew out a breath. ‘Mitch, is there any possibility you could not see this as a complete disaster? I love you and I have no intention of leaving you. That’s God’s honest truth.’
‘And I’m supposed to believe a man who doesn’t trust himself?’
‘I have to do this,’ he said. ‘If I don’t, I will go mad.’
His expression was nakedly beseeching, and brought a temporary halt to the misery and resentment rattling like a train through Michelle’s mind.
‘I’m so afraid,’ she said. ‘I’m terrified of losing you.’
Chad made a small, inarticulate sound, strode over and dropped to one knee beside her. He cupped her face with a hand, and ran his thumb gently over her damp cheek.
‘Mitch, I love you. I haven’t been a great husband lately, and I hope I can make up for that. And I won’t be gone too long—’
‘How long?’ Michelle had put off asking this, and now she steeled herself.
Chad shrugged. ‘A month?’
It wasn’t as bad as she’d feared. Still— ‘A whole month?’
‘It’s no time! It’ll fly by. Just imagine if I were a soldier. You wouldn’t see me for most of the year!’
Michelle’s eyes narrowed. ‘You’re not a soldier. Though right now, I’m seriously considering targeting you with a weapon of mass destruction.’
Chad gave her a faint smile and kissed her lightly on the mouth. His touch felt odd, alien, as if she’d already been detached from him for years.
‘Is it enough time?’ she said. ‘I mean, what happens if you come back only half found? Do I have to go through all this again?’
‘No.’ Chad shook his head firmly. ‘Whatever I get out of this is what I get. I’ll be happy with that. I promise.’
‘And will you be happy with me?’
‘You’re the best part of my life,’ Chad said. ‘I will always be happy with you.’
But Michelle was very far from reassured. She felt as if she’d begun to slide down a gravel slope, with everything she loved at the top, rushing further and further from her reach.
What should she do, she asked herself? Should she fight this, rail against it, force him to stay? Or should she become what she thought she’d only have to pretend to be — a good wife? A tolerant, generous wife who put her husband’s needs first?
If she fought, she’d almost certainly end up losing him. It was like that stupid poster with the bird: “If you love something, set it free. If it’s yours, it will come back. If it doesn’t, it never was.”
Damn it, thought Michelle. The least risky choice is still no guarantee.
And for the first time, Michelle realised what that meant for her. Chad might be having doubts about who he was, but maybe he had been too quick to suggest that her approach was better. She was very clear about what she wanted and what she didn’t: that much was true. Trouble is, she’d designed her whole life around what she’d wanted, which was to be his wife and the mother of his children. To live happily married to him, in comfort and easy contentment, for the rest of her days.
It had not mattered one bit to her to give up her career, because it was no longer what she wanted. Letting it go had been her choice.
But if she lost Chad — if she had to let him go — it would not be her choice. And without him, the edges of her life would no longer be clear and defined.
If she could no longer be Chad’s wife, Michelle had no idea who she would be.