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“Mum... Dad..?” Chloe called through the empty walls of the house. But no one was home.
Everyone is out having a good time but me! She scowled as she looked at herself in the hallway mirror and mimicked the funny looking girl who stared back at her. And here, as she looked at her reflection, she sympathized with the victimizing story she had created for herself. She had believed that she couldn't change her mind even if she wanted to.
Below the mirror was a bench on which rested a handwritten note with her name on it. It was written on her mum’s favorite paper, and Chloe could feel the excitement her mum would have held as she wrote on it.
“Hi Darling,
Dad and I have gone out to dinner at the Grafton’s, we will be home around 11.
Dinner’s in the oven, and I bought you some of your favorite chocolate, shh, hide it from dad or he will eat it all!
Love you! Mom. xox
P.S. It’s dad, I’m coming for the chocolate when I get home.
Chloe giggled to herself. Her parents acted like teenagers sometimes, but it made her smile seeing how in love they were. Everyone could see it. The neighbors envied their relationship, the way they always stood so strong through the thick and thin. Her mind would often flicker to the year of her thirteenth birthday when they were fighting all the time. It was the worst memory she ever had and for some reason her mind liked to play the same trick on her, by continuing to bring up this deeply saddened chapter of her life.
Her father had taken a job that paid well but he hated it, and slowly but surely, bit by bit, day by day, it destroyed their relationship because it went against everything her mother believed in. Her mother never cared for the money, what she wanted was happiness, she wanted to experience life and love. But it was an experience, her father would remind them. It was just a different experience, and he used to say, that ‘there was no happiness that never saw pain’. And slowly by surely they stuck it out for a few years, earned the pretty pay check, and as soon as they paid off the house he left the company, but at what cost? Their marriage was on thin ice for those three years. Her father was overworked and exhausted from the moment he left the house to the time he came back, and the kids saw him for all of two hours and those two hours were spent trying to make mum happy because she could feel his exhaustion. And at the end of the day - she didn’t want the money. But now, well . . . They sacrificed three years of their lives and it did make a big difference in the long run.
Now there was no debt, the children lived comfortably, and it was only three short years of their long life together, and they got through it. But the memory of those years stuck with Chloe, and still managed to pierce a nerve anytime the thought of them crossed her mind. She could still feel the pain that she witnessed coming from her parents, and it engraved in her a strong lesson: do not do anything that does not serve your happiness. She couldn’t see clearly while she was still absorbed within the emotions stirred up by this memory, but it was all those little experiences around her, that added up to the main reason as to why she couldn’t choose her life’s path now.
“Do I tough it out for a few years to get materialistic things?” Chloe asked herself. “Swallow my dreams down low into the pit of my stomach and forget about what I want to do, so that I may attain short lived value in my day-to-day life. Or can I dive head first toward my passion? Stand at the edge of the cliffs above the terrifying rocks beneath and jump free, open my arms and allow the universe to guide me. Take the chance of the wind lifting me high or swallowing me whole to get where I feel I need to be. And even if I fell down, right down low, it was still an experience at the end of the day. Yes, it might not have been a pleasant one, but it was an experience, and those times of hardness and sadness and despair and hopelessness would soon build up the strength and courage I’d need to save myself.” She knew she had the ability to do it - she just had to want to do it.
Chloe passed on the dinner in the oven, she didn’t feel like it. She couldn’t eat when she was stressed, she needed to know the answers to her questions. As her older sister had advised, she needed to delve deep inside of herself to search for them. It seemed to be the one part of her that couldn't let her down. It appeared to be the easy option and yet it terrified her the most, but what was she so afraid of? To find out the truth? I almost feel safer not knowing, she thought. She had begun to like the miserable side - at least it defined who she was. It made sense to her now that she had identified herself more with the misery than with anything else. It had been so long that she didn't know the alternative. But I don't want to feel this way anymore.
And so her meditation began. She settled in her bedroom, closed her eyes and took a deep breath in. With every breath out she threw all the troubles and worries and anxious feelings that she had bottled up inside and when she inhaled she swallowed confidence, pride, self-love and self-worth. She let the air swim around her body and as she did so, she envisioned little droplets of oxygen seeping into her bloodstream as it gracefully moved through her veins. And speaking words of positive optimism, she could sense her body feeling loved and nurtured. And as the air shifted around her body, filling with the positive energy, she let go of any fear or trauma that it had been holding onto.
“Let go! You do not belong within me.” she said as the air flew out forcefully from her mouth in a great noisy exhale as though she were blowing a candle out from afar. And in her deep inhale she could feel her mind expand open and the gates of her heart beaming with pride, as though soaking in the light from above.
The air not only filled her lungs, she could also feel it entering into her auric field. It covered the outside of her in a giant bubble of love and light, protecting her. As the air swiftly moved inside her body it tore down any blockages that stood in its way. She was redefining her memory, clearing out anything that she didn’t need anymore, and allowing the right messages, the right answers and the right questions to come her way. No longer did she identify herself with that miserable child who needed an answer. In that exact moment, in that exact memory of what she was creating, she felt at peace.
Her breath slowed down to a long drawn out pace. It was immensely relaxing, exuding the same feeling as though she was floating in a pool of water. But she felt as though her breath took an identity of its own. She felt as though it was no longer supporting her body, but her breath was now the life force that was creating everything around it. And as the realization of such an idea came into existence, she felt her body vibrate side to side. It shifted in quivers, a destructive process in contrast to the gentle breathing she was creating. It was as though her soul was shaking her body off and leaving it. She was wriggling from the shell of her existence, the same way a caterpillar would spring forth from a cocoon, and like a butterfly she flew. In her mind she soared through bright colors and oceans of patterns that evolved as fractals, entwining from the start of the time and exploring the journey and then coming back to the beginning.
Her mind cleared, and as it did, her eyes disappeared, and the sights that she saw were instead felt. She could feel the colors that travelled towards her as an auric field of energy, moving fast as it catapulted through her reality. Some pieces danced in slow vibrations, while others created a mark in the darkness, an open shell of light that stood strong, creating a whirlpool of matter to dive deep into and get lost in. How badly she wished she could fly into that hole and see what was on the other side! It was the closest she had ever felt to the entire universe.
After several minutes of deep breathing, the black matter began to settle. She knew that now would be the time for her to envision a sacred place. A place where she could feel calm and settled. But she didn’t actually imagine it, instead, a place came forth to her. She was now standing on a long road that led over a hill. She couldn't see what was over that hill, but it didn’t matter, because she somehow knew the road never ended, and she was content with where she was.
“This is the meeting place,” she heard a voice inside her head.
She looked around, and saw that next to the road where she stood there was a large tree, with swinging branches that were aching to be swung. Tall grass grew either side of the pebble stone road. The sky was a clear blue, the pebble stone road was orange and the tall grass was bright green. The colors contrasted brilliantly with one another and the sun gleamed down on her with warmth. She didn’t want to leave and stood still for several minutes. When she was ready, she jumped up to the branches of the tree to swing on. They swayed as her weight landed heavily onto them, and the sounds of their leaves rustled in the sun, creating a soft, purring sound. She jumped back down to the path and stood on one side of it, stirring the pebbles there with her feet. Each pebble was strategically placed amongst the earthly grass, leading her to wonder what the pebbles looked like from a birds eye view. Would they have created a pattern? The distance between each pebble seemed to have a message to say. She picked up one of the stones and saw that it was carved with a crystalized edge on one end, and yet soft and smooth on the opposite one. How that stone seemed to resemble her life before she went to high school! At first it was smooth sailing, easy going with no worries or cares, and then the rough edge, full of dips and shakes and cliffs to climb. It looked as if her life was filled with endless obstacles, but at the end it would always go smoothly, and the joyride would take charge, a pleasure slide of happiness. I wonder if my childhood had of been troubled, she thought, and the rough edge resembled me now. Would I have only joy and freedom to look forward to? And for a moment she wondered which life would have been better. She felt at peace with both.
She threw the pebble to the ground and watched as it skimmed as though flying through water. It bounced with little jumps, finding its new place to settle. How long must I wait here? she thought.
“This is the meeting place.” she heard a voice inside of her say again. “They will be here soon.”
She picked up a dandelion flower that had appeared in the grass next to the tree and blew the petals out to drift through the air. All the while the words echoed in her mind and she kept thinking, this is the meeting place.
First, a rustling of leaves in the tree startled her, then the vision of a jolly fat man hanging from the branches became visible to her next. His shirt was wrapped around like a Japanese kimono and a knot of hair was tied on the tip of his head. He reminded Chloe of a sumo wrestler. The image of him fluttered in and out quickly, as though he was testing her to see if it was safe for him to stay.
“Hello,” Chloe said.
The chubby man jumped down next to Chloe, but he said nothing. He had a great big belly, large white teeth and a pointy mustache. Yet despite his huge blob of a body, he did not feel dangerous in the least. He merely resembled a fictional character, one of whom she had remembered seeing as a child on a cartoon. The two stared at each other for awhile. No words were uttered, yet a strange, overwhelming feeling of comfortable silence pervaded the distance between the them.
“Are you my spirit guide?” Chloe mentally asked.
“Yes.” she heard his reply in her mind.
The man nodded, smiling with a deep, joyous gleam in his eyes, as a calm energy radiated through his vibration. Again, no words were spoken, but they did not need to be. Their words traveled through an electrical vibration that connected them together. It was the red string of time, never ending, forever long.
“Will you help me?” She pleaded desperately, feeling the weight of stress, anguish and disbelief as though it were an armor on her neck and shoulders. It was a great burden she had carried for too many years, the burden of not knowing the answer to her questions. The burden of desperately needing answers, but terrified of who to trust with giving them to her, unaware that the person she was seeking could very well be herself.
His reply of “Yes” cooed through his essence, as he bowed his head with grace, and blinked his eyes in harmony. He was showing her the greatest gift, the gift of patience.
“I am struggling to find the answers.” she murmured quietly to herself.
“I am here to guide you.” she heard his voice inside again, but no words came through his lips. She was reading his energy, and together they communicated with no words spoken. It was in the silence of her thoughts that the answers came through.
“Have you been with me all along?” Chloe asked, sensing a strange familiarity of his presence.
His outer appearance, the layers of skin and flesh, bore an unusual vision for her. She had never seen anything like it in real life. Chloe had never been to Asia, and had barely ever watched sumo wrestlers on television, but his plumpness emanated the cosy feeling of soothing cuddles. She desired to hold him, to feel the plumpness of his skin and jiggly jelly belly, for the attraction of the unusual was calling to her, and as she thought about what it would be like to hug him, she felt she was doing so. He stood far away from her, but she felt the same relief through the mental stimulation as though it were physically happening. She felt the emotional release that was achieved by two hearts crossing over one another, and as she did so, she trusted her guide, and began to breathe a little easier, and the cage she had built that burdened her shoulders, didn’t feel as heavy anymore.
“What’s your name?” she asked, now accepting his place by her side.
“It’s not my name, but you can call me Sam.” he said, with a deep voice.
Chloe smiled, and she laughed to herself as a memory from her childhood raced through her mind. It was the strong memory of an imaginary friend who she named Sam. This imaginary friend was a lion, and he would appear at times of difficulty, when she needed strength and courage to get through the day. He came back to visit her in her dreams when her parents were fighting, oddly enough. They would stream through the jungle together, she on the lions’ back, holding tightly to his mane, and watching other animals go by. All at peace; there was nothing to be feared.
She looked to Sam and smiled.
“You’ve been with me my whole life haven't you?”
He returned the smile with a sense of proudness like a father figure and slowly nodded his head. It was true. Whether in her dreams, or the sense of something near her, she could always feel his presence. His energy was unmistakable.
She stood and stared a little longer at him, relishing the peaceful nature of existence she felt from their connection. On the land where they stood, she could feel the air breeze slowly in the space that lay between them. It connected their energies into a single energy, that bounced far outside of her visual range, and she felt him through the layers she had built around her heart.
The sun shone strongly upon them, blanketing the land with loving warmth. There was no land untouched, no area left deprived, and for several seconds Chloe allowed herself to be completely absorbed in the heat from the sun. It crisped her body with a heavenly glow, giving life to the trees and nature around her. She looked back to Sam and smiled, but now standing next to him was her own shadow, dark, depressed and staring back at her.
She looked to Sam and back to her shadow. Its face resembled that of hers, but with its teeth clenched in bitterness, and eyes that squinted with sadness, red, and raw, from endless tears. Sam looked to the shadow and back to Chloe.
“What do you see?” he asked, searching the space for what Chloe was looking at.
“I see sadness, emptiness and misery. Fear, and loneliness . . .” the words dribbled from Chloe’s mouth. She felt and alarming attachment to them, as though they were the words that helped to define herself, and yet she prayed that it wasn’t true.
“This is your shadow. This is what is preventing you from moving forward right now.” Sam said as he pointed to the cutout version of Chloe.
“How do I fix it? By thinking positively?” Chloe asked, this was the only answer she thought that could remove the negative thoughts from her mind.
“No, there is more to it than that.” Same replied, holding his hand out to the shadow.
“There is?”
“We need to feel this shadow first, completely. Let’s see what it has to say. Only through the shadow can we get to the light. The answer you seek is through this shadow, not around it.”
Chloe looked to the shadow, it appeared as though it weighed heavy on the ground. It was sticky on the path like a big mess of muddy tar, wanting anything that came near it to stick to it.
“Are you willing to explore this shadow with me? Observe the depth of this shadow and all that it can possibly contain? We will move through it like water, floating in the current, washing over rocks and through valleys.”
“Will you help explore this shadow with me?” she asked.
“If you wish.” he replied. But the reply came from within herself, echoing in her heart, and her mind.
Sam looked to the left where a circular vortex was beginning to swirl. It swirled every so slowly to begin with, and became a captivating reflection of Chloe’s world upside down. It continued to evolve, changing with every moment that existed, turning itself into something different to what it was before. The longer Chloe stared, the more it changed, the more it closed in and reopened on itself. Now, the spinning had moved into a giant fortress of black matter, with twinkling stars enveloping the edges of the opening. She looked to Sam, whose face held no expression. The pointy whiskers on his beard lifted slightly higher, as though magnified from the opening of energy.
“Shall we face this shadow?” he asked, holding his hand out to her, and then bringing it closer to the circle, presenting her with the opportunity to go through.
Chloe looked around the land once more before surrendering to the change. The sun above shone greatly on their heads, and she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Behind her closed eyes she saw the same vibrations of black circles and colored lines she had seen with her eyes open. They resembled that of the vortex circle that Sam had presented to her. She thought she would feel fear but she did not - there was no emotion in this vision. Then she opened her eyes and looked at Sam.
“I am ready.” she said.
Holding hands, they walked through the vortex, and a burning sensation tickled over her body, the feeling she would have imagined when walking through a fire. But the safety of Sam’s hand guiding her gave her comfort, and the burning sensation turned to chills, as though her whole body was vibrating with a great awakening. For the first time in many years, she felt completely alive.
They stepped through the circle, but when the twirling came to a stop, Chloe found herself standing on the same spot as before. It was exactly the same, with the sun in the same position, the tree above their heads, and the same tall grass on the sides of the path.
“I don’t understand.” Chloe said as she looked around the world as it appeared once before.
But Sam wouldn't talk to her; he wouldn’t even move. He wouldn’t budge, and he was no longer holding her hand. He turned as though he was a statue, a mere shadow of himself. Chloe looked to the ground, seeing the reflection of her own shadow clearly, standing strong right next to her.
Curious, she walked closer to it, and examined the great darkness that was attached to her light and she stood within it. It resembled a layer of murky glass, but when looking through the glass she felt an overwhelming emotion of fear, hate, regret and sadness. And as she looked to the world through her shadow, it was no longer as she remembered, rather a deep sadness that had overtaken every aspect of where she looked. The grass was dead. It was still tall having not been cut, but it hung heavily on the ground, and the sun was nowhere to be seen. It was cold, it was dark, and it felt evil. The tree had insects and bugs eating its flesh, like a tortured animal, being sucked dry from everything that came from it. The leaves were gone, it bore no fruit, and the branches were skinned, rotted from the inside out.
“What is this madness you have taken me to?” Chloe asked Sam. She tried to walk away from the shadow, but it kept following her gaze, jumping in front of her, and she found herself unable to move it, to see the beautiful nature that once lay before her.
She kept staring at the shadow - stared at it until her vision became blurred, and in between the blurred spaces she could see herself, holding happiness and sadness in opposite hands.
“What am I seeking from this?” she asked her shadow, as the emotions clouded her mind. The sadness weighed heavily on the scales, almost three times the size of her happiness. As she examined each weight, she felt them both completely, observing and honoring their existence. She knew it was not possible for happiness to overtake sadness all of the time, but it was the top-heaviness of sadness that tipped Chloe off track too often, unbalancing her Soul and triggering a victimizing cry. Too often she would feel the depth of depression alive in her mind, instead of observing it and letting it go for what it was. And she realized in that moment of looking at her emotions that she was the one who kept her scales unbalanced. It was unbalanced because she was continuously choosing to feed sadness instead of happiness, keeping herself in misery.
“I acknowledge your existence and I accept you as a part of me. But I chose balance, and I release you from me.” she said as she blew into the dark space and mentally balanced the scales before her. The shadow remained dark, but the emotional feeling that weighed heavily upon it became lighter, softer, and pleasurable to touch. And then the shadow stood behind her, not in front of her. She knew it would never leave her, and that was okay. She was ready to face it head on, and accept that this darkness was a part of her, herself.
“Sam, come back to me.” she pleaded. “I still need your guidance, I need to know what to do with my life. I have to make decisions now.”
They were interrupted as an ancient turtle slowly walked up the pathway, its small head protruding through the beautiful, antique shell that weighed heavy on its back. The turtle walked ever so slowly and with such pride. Carrying his home wherever he went, he did not waiver but walked through the pathway. The shell molded into a part of his existence, and when staring at it closely it appeared heavy, but when looking at the big picture, it just was. It was a trophy of beauty, a magnetic display of uniqueness. The layers of its skin radiated strength, wisdom and knowledge. And even though the turtle walked at a slow pace, it did not care who or what was around, and did not notice either Chloe or Sam. He just carried on his business, sticking to himself and knowing that the path before him was laid out for him.
Sam smiled and nodded at the turtle, and then at Chloe. She could feel his voice soothe through to her.
“Go slow and enjoy.” Chloe heard in her mind.
The soft sound of bells chimed through the space where she stood with Sam. It echoed throughout the land, making a pitter patter sound as gentle as rain. Even so, the sound disrupted the calmness in the space and cluttered her mind, rendering her unable to focus. Sam half smiled, the right side of his lip reaching up to his cheek, as though happy to have met Chloe but knowing the time had come for her to leave. She ran closer to him and hugged him, feeling the squishiness of his skin, the comfort of his chubby belly.
“I love you.” she said.
“I love you.” he said.
“It’s time for me to go, isn’t it?”
He nodded.
She didn’t want to. She felt so safe in his presence. No one was around them, no one was disturbing them, and no thoughts were entering her mind other than focusing on the two of them together, sharing words and laughter and creating memories.
“Can I come back to you?” she asked.
“I will always be here, right here.” he said, “Available whenever you need me.”
“But what if I can’t find you?”
“Then your mind is not quiet enough.”
Suddenly, Chloe opened her eyes to the sound of her mum and father giggling. They had come home from the party. Her father was making jokes and her mother was laughing historically in short breaths.
“Rob, Rob . . . Shh . . . Chloe might be asleep.”
Chloe smiled. She loved hearing them talk about her like a little baby needing her rest, and although she had grown up and was almost an adult, she loved the family nest that still resided within the home.
“It’s okay, I’m awake.” Chloe yelled through the door as she stood up and walked through to greet them. “How was the party?”
“Oh, your father wouldn’t stop dancing.”
“Twinkle toes they used to call me!” Her father nodded proudly as he mimicked a moon walk across the hardwood floors.
“Oh honey, I still call you twinkle toes.” Her mother smiled cheekily, giving him the same love and affection that she did over twenty years ago.
And Chloe could see that was the secret. The strength behind their relationship was from the little things. Their admiration for each other blazed in strength as the years went on and their respect was mutual. Their love was an evolving flower that blossomed more beautifully as time passed and together they chose to tackle every obstacle with grace and patience.
“What’s been happening? Where’s Ashley?” her father asked as he sat down and took off his shoes in the hallway. The ribbon laces in his brown shoes were Chloe’s favorite, and she loved the sense of style her father had. He dismissed everyone else’s opinion and went with what felt good.
“Ashley’s gone to a concert sweetheart.” her mother called from the kitchen as she poured three glasses of water.
“And you didn’t want to go?” her father asked Chloe surprised.
“No, I’ve got too much on my mind with our meeting and all.” she half smiled in reply and raised her eyebrows.
“Go on, tell me what’s going on.” Her father stopped what he was doing and patted the chair next to him, prompting her to join him. But she stood strong against the wall, not yet ready to admit complete defeat.
“I just, I don’t know what to do when high school finishes. I have no direction. I have absolutely no clue whatsoever.”
“Chloe that’s okay, your mother and I just want you to have a few options tomorrow. They don’t have to be definite, just something.”
Chloe looked up at him sheepishly, like a little child being told what to do.
“None of us have the answers to this, you realize that?” he said. “There is no wrong or right choice, there are just different paths, different ways of life. And if one doesn't work then you jump to another, there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing bad about it - it just is. Okay?”
“Okay.” Chloe replied as her mother handed her a glass of water.
“What do you think you want to do?” her mother asked, now joining her father on the sofa.
“Well, I want to paint. It’s the only thing in my mind that I want to do. It’s what I like doing the most.” Chloe recited, realizing that painting had always been her passion. But the thought of trying to make a living off a hobby felt too daunting.
“So paint.” Her father and mother nodded together.
“But . . . How? I don’t have the confidence.”
“Chloe, anything you create is incredible, you know that. How can we help you gain the confidence?” her father asked, squinting his eyes slightly, prompting a response.
“I don’t know... Maybe I need to study more?” But Chloe didn’t really believe that study would be the answer. After having almost completed 12 years of school, the thought of continuing with more didn’t sound very fun. But this was where she choked up, she just didn’t know how to support her artistic dream.
“So then study. Chloe, whatever you want to do, your mother and I will support you, you know this.”
Chloe nodded.
“First thing tomorrow, the assignment at our breakfast meeting will be to look up the best art school for you to attend, whether it’s a full time university or a part time college, okay?”
Chloe smiled and hugged her father tightly. And then she kissed her mother on the cheek goodnight, and fell into a deep sleep.