More about the first state. She tells how far we can, with God’s help, progress by ourselves, and speaks of the danger of seeking supernatural and extraordinary experiences until the Lord bestows them on us
ALTHOUGH I digressed in the last chapter, and said a great deal about other things that seemed to me necessary, my aim was to explain how much we can advance by our own efforts, and how in this first stage of devotion we can, to some extent, help ourselves. For when we think and reflect on the Lord’s sufferings for us, it moves us to compassion, and this sorrow, with the tears that rise from it, is sweet. To think of the glory we hope for, of the love which the Lord bore us, and of His Resurrection rouses a joy in us that is neither entirely spiritual nor entirely worldly, but is a virtuous joy; and our sorrow also is most meritorious. Of the same nature are all those things that cause a devotion, acquired in part by the understanding, though it can neither be earned nor gained if God does not give it. It is best for a soul that He has raised no higher than this not to attempt to rise by its own efforts. Let this be carefully noted, for more will be lost than gained by the endeavour. In this condition a soul can perform many acts to confirm it in its resolution to serve God, and to awaken love in itself; and do other things also to help the growth of its virtues, as is explained in a book entitled The Art of Serving God,1 which is very good and suitable for persons in this condition, since their understanding is active.
The soul can also picture itself as in the presence of Christ, and accustom itself to feel deep love for His blessed humanity. It can have Him always with it, and talk to Him, and ask Him for what it needs and complain to Him of its troubles and rejoice with Him in its pleasures, and yet never allow them to make it forgetful of Him. For this it has no need of set prayers, but can use such words as express its desires and its needs. This is an excellent and very speedy way of advancement. Anyone who strives to carry this precious Companion with him, and who makes good use of His company, really learning to love the Lord to whom we owe so much, is in my opinion making real progress.
We should not worry, therefore, as I have said before, if we are not conscious of our devotion. We should instead thank the Lord for allowing us the wish to please Him, even though our works are poor. This practice of carrying Christ with us is profitable at all stages. It is a most certain method both of advancement in the first stage, and of quickly attaining the second; and in the later stages it is a safeguard against dangers occasioned by the devil.
This, then, is what we can do. Anyone who tries to pass on and raise his spirit to taste of pleasures that are denied him will, in my opinion, lose in a double sense.1 For these pleasures are supernatural, and when his understanding is asleep, his soul is left desolate and very dry. Moreover as the whole edifice is founded on humility, the nearer we draw to God the more this virtue must be developed, and if it is not, all is lost. It seems a sort of pride in us too that makes us wish to rise higher when God is already doing more for us than we deserve by drawing us, in our condition, near to Him. It must not be supposed that I am now referring to the raising of the mind to consider the high things of Heaven and its glories, or of God and His great wisdom. I never did this myself, for, as I have said, I had not the ability for it. I was so aware of my wickedness that, even when it came to thinking of worldly things, God of His mercy allowed me to understand that it was no small presumption in me to do so. Having recognized this truth, I should have been very much more presumptuous if I had reflected on the subject of heaven. But other people will profit by this practice, especially if they are learned. For learning is, I think, an invaluable help in this exercise, particularly when it goes with humility. I observed this a few days ago in some learned men who have only just begun, but have made great progress. This makes me most anxious that more learned men shall become spiritual, and I shall return to this topic later on.
When I say that people must not rise if God does not raise them, I am speaking the language of spirituality. Anyone with experience will understand me. But if I have not made myself plain, I can say no more.
In the mystical theology, which I have begun to speak of, the understanding ceases to work because God suspends it, as I shall explain further, if I can and if God gives me the grace to do so. What we must not do is to presume or imagine that we can suspend it ourselves. We must not cease to work with it, or we shall find ourselves stupid and apathetic, and the result will be neither the one thing nor the other.1 For when the Lord suspends it and makes it still, He gives it something to amaze it and keep it occupied, so that in the time of a single Credo it understands more than we could understand in many years with all our human efforts.
To occupy the powers of the mind and at the same time to imagine that we can keep them quiet is folly. I say once more, although this is not generally understood, that there is no great humility in this. It may not be sinful, but it certainly causes distress, for it is labour thrown away, and leaves the soul somewhat frustrated, like a man who has tried to take a leap and has been pulled back. It feels that it has used its strength, and yet has not achieved what it intended to. Anyone who will reflect on the matter will perceive from the smallness of the gain achieved this slight lack of humility of which I have spoken. For humility has this excellent quality, that no work which is done in a humble state leaves any distaste in the soul. I think that I have made this clear, though perhaps only to myself. May the Lord open the eyes of those who read this, and grant them experience. For however slight that experience is, they will immediately understand.
For many years I read a great deal, and understood nothing; and for a long while, although God taught me, I could never find words with which to explain His teaching to others; and this caused me no small distress. When His Majesty wishes, he teaches us everything in a moment in the most amazing way. One thing I can truly say; although I talked with many spiritual persons, who tried to make me understand what the Lord was teaching me so that I might be able to speak about it, I was so stupid that I derived not the slightest advantage from their explanations. However, as the Lord has always been my teacher – may He be blessed for ever, for it shames me to confess that this is true! – it may have been His will that I should have no one but Him to thank. So without my wishing or asking for it – for I have never been curious about these things, though such curiosity would have been a virtue in me, but only curious about vanities – God gave me absolutely clear understanding of this in a single moment, together with the power to express it to my confessors, who were amazed. But I was even more amazed, since I was more aware of my stupidity. This was only a short while ago, and now I do not seek to know anything that the Lord has not taught me, unless it be something that touches my conscience.
I repeat my warning that it is most important not to raise the spirit if the Lord does not raise it for us; and if He does, we know it immediately. This straining is especially harmful to women, because the devil can delude them. I am quite certain, however, that the Lord will never allow anyone to be harmed who endeavours to approach Him with humility. On the contrary, such a person will derive great gain and advantage from the attack by which Satan intended to destroy him.
I have dwelt for so long on this way of prayer because it is the commonest with beginners and because the advice I offer is very important. I admit that it has been better expressed by others in other places, and that I have felt some shame and confusion in writing this, though not enough. Blessed be the Lord for it all, whose will and pleasure it is that a woman like myself should speak of things that are His, and of such a sublime nature.