She continues her account of the foundation of the glorious St Joseph’s, telling how she was commanded to let it drop, how for a time she gave it up, and how she suffered various trials in the course of which she was comforted by the Lord
IT was when the business had reached this stage and was so near to completion that the deeds were to be signed next day, that the Father Provincial changed his mind. From what came out later, I believe that his change of attitude was divinely ordained. For while so many prayers were being offered up for us, the Lord was perfecting His work and arranging for its accomplishment in another way. As the Provincial now refused to sanction the foundation, my confessor at once told me to let it drop, though the Lord knows what great labours and afflictions it had cost me to bring it so far. Once it was discontinued and abandoned, people were even more certain that it had all been an absurd feminine whimsy, and gossip at my expense increased, even though up to that time I had been acting on my Provincial’s orders.
I was very unpopular throughout the convent for wanting to found a more strictly enclosed house. The nuns said that this was an insult to them; that I could serve God just as well where I was, since there were others there better than myself; that I had no love for my own house, and that I should have been better employed raising money for it than for founding another. Some said that I ought to be put in the prison-cell; but others, though only a few, came out on my side. I saw quite well that in many respects my opponents were right, and sometimes I could make allowances for them. But as I could not tell them my principal argument – that I had been obeying the Lord’s commands – I did not know what to do and was therefore silent. At other times, by God’s great mercy, none of this worried me, and I renounced the project as easily and as contentedly as if it had cost me nothing. This nobody could believe, not even those given to prayer with whom I talked; they supposed that I must be very much distressed and ashamed, and even my own confessor could not really believe that I was not. It seemed to me that I had done everything in my power to fulfil the Lord’s commands, and that I had now no further obligation. So I remained in my house, where I was quite content and happy, though at the same time I was never able to give up the conviction that the task would be fulfilled. How, when, and by what means this would be I could not say, but of its eventual accomplishment I was certain.
What greatly distressed me was that my confessor wrote to me on one occasion as if I had been acting against his instructions. It must have been the Lord’s will that I should not be exempted from trials arising from the source which would cost me the greatest pain. Among this multitude of persecutions, I had expected that my confessor would console me. But in his letter he said that, as I ought to have realized by now, the whole matter was just a dream. He advised me henceforth to lead a better life, and not to attempt anything more of the kind or even to talk about it, since I now saw what a scandal I had raised. He said some other things too, all of them most painful. This distressed me more than everything else put together, for I wondered whether I had been guilty of leading others into sin, whether these visions were illusory, whether all my prayer had been a deception, and whether I was not utterly lost and deceived. These thoughts so weighed on me that I became quite upset and was plunged into the deepest affliction. But the Lord, who never failed me in any of these trials that I have enumerated, often consoled and strengthened me in ways that I need not describe here. He told me at that time not to be troubled, for I had done God great service and had by no means offended Him in this matter. He also told me to obey my confessor’s instructions and to keep quiet for the present, until the time came for the project to be resumed. He left me so consoled and happy that all the persecution I was suffering seemed nothing at all.
The Lord now showed me what a mighty blessing it is to suffer trials and persecutions for Him. I saw such a growth of love for God in my soul, and other graces as well, that I was quite astonished and could not cease to desire even more trials. However, other people thought that I was deeply ashamed; and I should have been if the Lord had not come to my aid in my extremity and granted me these great mercies. Now came the beginning of those stronger impulses of the love of God, of which I have spoken, and of deeper raptures. But I kept silent on the subject, and said nothing to anyone about what I had gained. That saintly Dominican never ceased to share my conviction that the foundation would be made, and as I would not take any further part in the matter, in order not to disobey my confessor, he got in touch with my woman friend. Together they sent an outline of the scheme to Rome.
Now the devil began to spread the news from one person to another, that I had received some revelation about this matter, and people came to me in great alarm, saying that these were difficult times, that some charge might be raised against me, and that I might have to appear before the Inquisitors. But this merely amused me and made me laugh. I never had any fear on that score. I knew quite well that in the matter of faith no one would ever find me failing to observe even the smallest ceremony of the Church, and that for the Church or for any truth in Holy Scripture, I would sacrifice my life a thousand times. So I told them not to be afraid, for my soul would be in a very poor state if there were anything in it that made me fear the Inquisitors. I said that if I thought there were I would go to them myself; furthermore that if any charge were raised against me, the Lord would deliver me and I should be very much the gainer. I discussed all this with the Dominican father who, as I said, was a very learned man, and whose opinions on any subject I could thoroughly trust. I gave him as clear an account as I could of my visions, of my way of prayer, and of the great favours that the Lord was granting me, and I begged him to consider the matter carefully and to tell me if there was anything in them contrary to Holy Scripture, also to give me his general opinion on the whole subject. He greatly reassured me, and I think this conversation was of some benefit to him too. For good man though he then was, from that time onwards he became much more devout in his prayers. He later retired to a friary of his Order, where solitude is much more possible, in order to apply himself more effectually to them; and there he stayed for more than two years. He was so capable, however, that he was needed elsewhere, and was, therefore, compelled under obedience to leave the place, to his great regret.
I was very sorry, in a way, when he left the town, because I had great need of him also. But I did nothing to hinder him, for I realized that this was to his advantage. When I was feeling most grieved by his departure, the Lord told me to take comfort and be grieved no more, for he was under good guidance. His soul benefited so much from his absence, and his spiritual growth was so great, that on his return he told me he would not have missed his stay in that friary for .anything in the world. I was able to agree with him. Whereas previously he had reassured and comforted me only through his learning, now he did so also by the ample experience that his spirit had gained of supernatural things. God brought him back at just the right moment, for His Majesty saw that his help would be needed in the foundation of this convent, which His Majesty wished to take place.
For five or six months I kept quiet, making no move towards it and not even speaking about it, and the Lord did not give me a single command. I could not guess the reason for this, but was unable to rid myself of the belief that the foundation would eventually take place. At the end of that time, the men Rector of the Society of Jesus having left, His Majesty replaced him by a very spiritual man of great courage, understanding, and learning,1 just at the moment when I was in the greatest need. For the priest who was hearing my confessions was subject to a superior, and in the Company they attach great importance to the practice of never taking the slightest action except in conformity with the will of their superiors. So although he thoroughly understood my soul and desired its progress, over certain matters he could not be definite, for very good reasons. My spirit, which was now experiencing very powerful impulses, was greatly troubled by this sort of constraint, but all the same I did not disobey his orders.
One day, when I was in great distress because I thought my confessor did not believe me, the Lord told me not to worry, for my distress would soon be over. I was very glad, since I thought He meant I was to die soon, and the mere thought of this delighted me. Later I realized that He was referring to the coming of the new Rector. For he put no restrictions at all on the priest who confessed me, and so I never suffered from that distress again. On the contrary, he told that minister to comfort me, since there was no cause for fear, and not to lead me by so narrow a road, but to let the spirit of the Lord work in me, for it sometimes seemed as if these great impulses of the spirit were preventing my soul from taking breath.
I went to see this Rector, and my confessor told me to talk to him with all freedom and frankness. I used very much to dislike speaking about these things, and yet when I entered the confessional I felt something in my spirit that I never remember having felt before or since in the presence of anyone else. I cannot possibly describe its nature, or compare it with anything at all. It was a spiritual joy; my soul recognized that here was a soul which would understand and be in harmony with mine, although, as I say, I do not know how this was. If I had ever spoken to him, or had heard great things of him, it would not have been surprising that I felt happy and certain of his understanding me. But he had never spoken one word to me, nor I one word to him, nor was he a person of whom I had ever heard before. I discovered later that my spirit had not been wrong, for my conversations with him have been a great benefit to me and to my soul. He is very skilful with persons whom the Lord seems to have brought to an advanced state; he makes them run instead of walking a step at a time. His method is to bring them to complete detachment and to mortification, and the Lord has given him a very great aptitude for this.
When I began to have conversations with him, I immediately recognized what type of director he was, and saw that he had a pure and holy soul, endowed with a special gift from the Lord for the discernment of spirits. This gave me great comfort. Soon after I came under his direction, the Lord began to impress on me again that I must return to the project of the convent, and explain all my reasons and intentions to my confessor, and to the Rector as well, so that they should not stand in my way. Some of the things I said frightened them, but the Rector never doubted that I was prompted by the spirit of God, for he had considered the probable results of such a foundation with very great care. In short, after hearing my many arguments, they dared not risk standing in my way.
My confessor now gave me leave to resume the project with all my might, and I clearly saw what a task I was taking on, for I was quite alone and could do very little. We agreed that things should be done with the utmost secrecy, and so I arranged that a sister of mine,2 who lived outside the town, should buy the necessary house and furnish it as if it were for herself, with purchase money that the Lord had provided in various ways. It would be a long story to tell how He looked after us. I made a great point of doing nothing to violate my obedience. But I knew that if I spoke of the project to my superiors all would be lost, as it had been on the last occasion; and this time things might be even worse. Getting the money, finding a house, arranging for its purchase and furnishing it was a very trying process, a part of which I had to carry through alone, although my friend did what she could. But she could not do much, hardly more indeed than lend her name to the transaction and give it her approval. All the more difficult work was mine, and I had so many things to do that I wonder now how I could possibly have managed them all. There were times when I exclaimed in distress: ‘O Lord, why did you command me to do things that seem impossible? If only I were free, woman though I am…! But being tied in so many ways, without money or the means of getting it, either for the Brief or for anything else, what, O Lord, can I do?’
Once when I was in a difficulty and could not think what to do or how to pay certain workmen, St Joseph, my true lord and father, appeared to me, and told me to proceed with my arrangements, for the money would not be lacking. So I went on, without a farthing, and the Lord did provide it in ways that astonished all who heard of them. I thought the house very small, so small indeed that it did not seem possible to turn it into a convent I wanted to buy another, but had not the means. So there was no way of buying it, and I did not know what to do. There was a little house close to ours, however, also very small, which would have made a chapel. But one day, after I had taken Communion, the Lord said to me, ‘I have told you already to move in as best you can’, and then added, as a sort of exclamation, ‘O the greed of humankind, to imagine that there will not be enough room for you! How often did I sleep in the open air, having nowhere else to lay My head!’ I was amazed, and saw that He was right. So I went to survey the little house and found that it would just do for a convent, though a very small one. I did no more about adding to the property, but arranged to have the little house equipped so that we could live in it. It was very rough and ready, and no more was done to it than was necessary to make it healthy to live in. This is always the proper way of doing things.
On St Clare’s day, as I was going to Communion, that saint appeared to me in great beauty and told me to take courage. She promised that she would help me if I went forward with what I had begun. I conceived a great devotion for her, and she has truly kept her word. For a convent of her Order, which is close to ours, is at present helping to maintain us. What is more, she has gradually brought this plan of mine to such perfection that the same Rule of poverty which obtains in her house is also observed in ours, and we live on alms. It was essential to get the Holy Father’s approval for our existing without any revenue, and the procuring of that cost me no small labour. But the Lord is doing even greater things for us, and it may be at the request of this blessed saint that He is doing them. Without any demand on our part, His Majesty is providing most amply for our needs. May He be blessed for it all. Amen.
At about this same time, on the festival of Our Lady’s Assumption, I was in the convent-church of the Order of the glorious St Dominic, thinking of the many sins that I had confessed there in time past, and of other incidents in my wicked life, when I was seized with a rapture so strong that it almost completely took me out of myself. I sat down, and I remember now that I could neither see the Elevation nor hear the Mass; and afterwards I was left with a scruple about this. While in this state I seemed to see myself clothed in a robe of great whiteness and clarity, and at first I could not tell who was putting it on me. But afterwards I saw Our Lady on my right and my father St Joseph on my left, and that it was they who were clothing me. I was given to understand that I was now cleansed of my sins. When I was clothed, and was experiencing the greatest joy and bliss, Our Lady seemed suddenly to seize me by the hands. She told me that I was giving her great pleasure by serving the glorious St Joseph, and promised me that my plans for the convent would be fulfilled. She said that the Lord and they would be greatly served there, and that I need not fear any failure of the project at any time, even though the obedience demanded of us might not be to my liking. She said that they would watch over us and that her Son had already promised to be with us; and that as a sign that this would be so she would give me a jewel. Then she seemed to hang round my neck a very-beautiful gold collar, from which hung a cross of great value. The gold and stones were so different from those of this world that there is no comparing them; their beauty is quite unlike anything we can imagine here. Nor can the imagination rise to any understanding of the nature of the robe, or to any conception of its whiteness. Such was the vision that the Lord was pleased to send me that by comparison everything here on earth seems, as you might say, like a smudge of soot.
The beauty that I saw in Our Lady was wonderful, though I could make out no particular detail, only the general shape of her face and the whiteness and amazing splendour of her robes, which was not dazzling but quite soft. I did not see the glorious St Joseph so clearly, although I plainly saw that he was there, as in those visions which I have described already, in which nothing is actually seen. Our Lady looked to me almost like a child. When they had stayed with me for a little while, bringing me the greatest joy and bliss – more I believe than I had ever known before, and I wished it would last for ever – I seemed to see them ascend into the sky with a great multitude of angels. I was left in great solitude, but so comforted and uplifted and recollected in prayer, and so softened that I could not stir or speak for some time, and was quite beside myself. I was left with a passionate longing to be consumed by the love of God, and with other feelings of this sort All this took place in such a way that I could never doubt, however hard I tried, that this vision was of God. It left me greatly comforted and very peaceful.
The point of what the Queen of the Angels said in regard to our obedience is this. It was a grief to me not to make over the convent to our Order, but the Lord had told me that it would be unwise to do so. He gave me reasons why it would be quite impracticable, but told me to refer to Rome by a certain procedure which He also explained. He promised that in this way I should find security, and so I did. I followed the Lord’s instructions – and we should never have concluded our negotiations if I had not – and things turned out very well. In the light of subsequent events, it has proved most convenient that we should be under the Bishop’s obedience. But I did not realize this at the time, nor did I know who that prelate would turn out to be.1 But, as the Lord would have it, he proved a good man, and helpful to this house, as was necessary, in view of all the opposition that it has encountered, as I shall recount later, and in order to bring it to its present state. Blessed be He who has brought all this about. Amen.