She continues with the same subject, and recounts the great mercies which the Lord has shown her. She tells of His promises to help those persons for whom she might pray, and some outstanding instances in which His Majesty has favoured her in this way
I WAS once earnestly importuning the Lord to restore the sight of a person who was almost blind, and to whom I had a certain obligation; I was very sorry for him, and feared that the Lord would not hear me on account of my sins. But He appeared to me as on previous occasions, and began to show me the wound in His left hand. Then with His right He drew out a long nail that had been driven through it, and as He pulled at it, He seemed to tear His flesh. It was clear how painful this must be, and it distressed me greatly. ‘Seeing that I have done this for you,’ He said, ‘you need have no doubt that I will even more readily do what you have asked Me. Anything that you ask of Me I promise you to do, for I know that you will never ask for anything that will not redound to My glory. Therefore I will do what you ask of Me now. Even when you did not serve Me, you never asked for anything that I did not grant you in a better form than ever you were able to imagine. Do not doubt, therefore, that I shall do so now, when I know that you love Me.’
I do not think a week passed before the Lord restored that person’s sight. My confessor heard of it at once. It may be, of course, that this was not .owing to my prayer. But as I had seen this vision, I felt quite certain that it was a mercy granted to me, and I thanked His Majesty for it.
Once there was someone who was extremely ill with a very painful disease which I shall not describe here since I do not know its nature. For two months his sufferings had been intolerable, and he was in such agony that he tore at his flesh. My confessor – the Rector of whom I have spoken – went to see him and was very sorry for him. He said that I must certainly pay him a visit – and this was possible because he was a relative of mine. I went and was moved to such pity for him that I began to beg the Lord most importunately to cure him. Here I saw a clear proof, as I believe, of the favours which He grants me, for on the very next day my relative was free from that pain.
On another occasion, I was in the deepest distress because I had learned that someone to whom I was under a deep obligation was about to commit an act highly offensive to God and dishonourable to himself, and that he was quite resolved to do so. I was greatly agitated, for I did not know of any way in which I could dissuade him; there did not seem to be one. I besought God from the bottom of my heart to show me some way, and until I saw one I could find no relief from my distress. In this state, I went to a very lonely hermitage, of which our convent has several, in which there is a picture of Christ bound to the Column; and there I begged Him to grant me this favour. Then I heard a very soft voice speaking to me, as it were, in a whisper. All my hair stood on end with terror. I tried to hear what He said to me, but I could not, and it was quickly over. When my fear left me, which it very soon did, I felt a calm, a joy and an inward delight; it amazed me that the mere hearing of a voice – for this I heard with my physical ears – should have such an effect on my soul, even though I did not understand a word. I saw by this that my request was going to be granted, and so it was. But even before that my distress was as completely dispelled as if it had never been. I told my confessors about this – for I had two1 at that time, very learned men and great servants of God.
There was someone I knew who had resolved to serve God in real earnest, and who had been engaged in prayer for some days, during which time His Majesty had granted him many favours. But certain occasions for sin had presented themselves, which were very dangerous, and instead of avoiding them he had given up prayer. This caused me the greatest distress, for he was a person of whom I was very fond and to whom I was indebted. I believe that for more than a month I did nothing but pray God to turn this soul back to Himself. One day when I was at prayer, I saw a devil beside me, tearing up some papers that he held in his hand in a wild fury. This gave me great comfort, for it seemed to show that my prayer had been granted; and so it was, as I afterwards learnt. This man had made a very contrite confess! , and so genuinely turned back to God that I trust in His Majesty he will make continuous progress. Blessed be He for all things! Amen.
In answer to my prayers, the Lord has very often delivered souls from grave sins and brought others to great perfection. As for rescuing souls from purgatory and such notable acts, the Lord has granted me so many favours of this kind that I should exhaust myself and my readers if I were to describe them all. But he has done more through me for the salvation of the soul than for the health of the body; all this is very well known, and there are many witnesses to it. It used to cause me very great scruples, for I could not help believing that the Lord was doing this because of my prayers. I say nothing of His principal reason, which is His pure goodness. But these favours are now so numerous and have been observed by so many people that it no longer distresses me to believe this. I praise His Majesty, and am ashamed when I see that I am more deeply in His debt than ever. Indeed, I believe that even now He is increasing my desire to serve Him, and quickening my love for Him. But what most astonishes me is that when the Lord sees my requests to be unsuitable I cannot ask for them; when I try to, my prayers have no strength, spirituality, or concentration. However hard I try to force myself, I can do no better. Yet when it comes to other petitions that His Majesty means to grant, I find that I can make them very often and with great importunity, and although I am not concentrating on them they frequently come into my mind.
There is a wide difference between these two ways of praying, which I do not know how to explain. As for the first, when I pray for the kind of favours that the Lord does not mean to grant, I resolutely persist, yet even if it is a request that touches me closely, I do not feel the same fervour as when I am praying for favours of the other kind. I am like a person whose tongue is tied, and who cannot speak even though he wants to, or if he does so cannot make himself understood. But in the second case I am like someone who is speaking clearly and readily to a person whom he sees is a willing listener. The first, we might say, is like vocal prayer, and the second like that high contemplation in which the Lord reveals Himself. We know that His Majesty has heard us, that He approves of what we are asking of Him, and that He will grant us the favour. May He be blessed for ever, who gives so much when I give so little. For what can one accomplish, Lord, unless one utterly abases oneself for You? How far, how far, how far – I could repeat this a thousand times – do I fall short of doing so! For this reason – though there are many others – I cannot desire to live at all, since in my way of life I do not fulfil my obligations to You. What imperfections I find in myself! How slack I am in Your service! Sometimes I could really wish that I had no sense at all, for then I should not know how much evil is in me. May He who can do so come to my aid!
When I was staying in the house of that lady whom I have mentioned, I had to keep a watch on my behaviour, and constantly to bear in mind the vanity that is inseparable from all the things of this life. For I was greatly valued there and highly praised, and there were many things there to which I might have become attached if I had only considered my own interests. But He who sees things in their true light looked after me and did not let me escape from His hand.
When I speak of seeing things in their true light, I am reminded of the great difficulties encountered by those to whom God has given some knowledge of the truth about earthly things, when they have to deal with others. For on earth there is so much concealment, as the Lord once said to me. Indeed many of the things that I am writing here do not come out of my own head, but were said to me by this Heavenly Master of mine; and so in places where I expressly say ‘I was told this’ or ‘The Lord said this to me’, I am most scrupulous not to add or subtract a single syllable. But when I do not remember every detail exactly, then it must be understood to come from me, and some things also come from me altogether. But I do not attribute to myself anything that is good, for I know that there is no good in me except what the Lord has given me without my deserving it. When I say that something is from me, I mean only that it was not given to me in a revelation.
But, O my God, how is it that even in spiritual matters we often try to interpret things in our own way, as if they were things of this world, and so distort the truth? We think that we can measure our progress by the number of years during which we have been practising prayer. We even think that we can find a measure for Him who bestows immeasurable gifts on us at His own pleasure, and who can give more to one person in six months than to another in many years. I have seen this so often and in so many cases that I am surprised we can fail to see it.
I am quite sure that no one who has a gift for spiritual discernment, and to whom the Lord has given true humility, will remain under this delusion for long. He will judge things by their fruits, and by the good resolutions and love to which they give rise; and the Lord will give him the light by which to recognize these. God considers a soul’s advancement and progress, but takes no account of time. One soul may have achieved more in six months than another in twenty years, since, as I have said, the Lord gives at His own pleasure, and to him who is readiest to receive. Many of the girls who come to this house at present are quite young. But God touches their hearts and gives them a little light and love – for that brief period, I mean, in which He gives them sweetness in prayer. They have not been expecting this, but they put everything else aside, not even remembering to eat, and enclose themselves for ever in a convent that is unendowed. They seem to ignore their own lives for the sake of Him whose love for them they know. They give up everything, want no will of their own, and never think that they may become discontented within such narrow bounds. They offer themselves entire, as a sacrifice to God.
I admit most willingly that they are better than I, and I ought indeed to be ashamed of myself when I enter God’s presence. For what His Majesty has not achieved in me in the very many years since I began to pray and He began to grant me favours, He has achieved in them in three months – and in one case, in three days – though He gives them far fewer favours than He gives me. But His Majesty rewards them well, and they certainly have no reason to be dissatisfied with what they have done for Him.
I wish therefore that we could remind ourselves of how long it is since we made our profession, or since we began to pray, though not for the purpose of distressing those who have made greater progress in a shorter time, and making them turn back to travel at our pace, or forcing those who are soaring like eagles, thanks to the favours that God has given them, to move like tethered hens. Let us rather fix our eyes on His Majesty and, if we see these souls to be humble, give them the reins. The Lord, who is showing them so many favours, will not let them fling themselves into the abyss. They themselves put their trust in God, and so the truth that their faith has taught them can be of assistance to them. Shall we not trust them too, therefore, and not try to measure them by our measure, which is fixed by our own meanness of spirit? We must never do that. If we cannot achieve results and resolutions equal to theirs, which are difficult to understand without experience, let us humble ourselves and not condemn them. Otherwise our apparent concern for their profit will impede our own, and we shall be losing a God-given opportunity for humbling ourselves and understanding our own faults – also for realizing how much more detached and how much closer to God their souls must be than ours, since His Majesty is drawing so near to them.
My sole purpose here – and I do not wish to suggest that I have any other – is to explain my reasons for valuing prayer which has lasted only for a short time, yet produces results so notable and so speedily apparent; for we cannot resolve to give up everything for the love of God without very strong love. I had rather have this than prayer which has lasted over many years but which has produced no more resolution to do anything for Him at the end than at the beginning, except perhaps some tiny actions. For these weigh no more than a grain of salt which a bird could carry in its beak, and cannot be considered as fruits of prayer or signs of mortification. Sometimes we attach a pitiful importance to things we do for the Lord which could not really be considered important even if we did them very often. I am like that myself, and I forget His favours at every turn. I do not say that His Majesty will not value such services as I do Him, for He is good. But I should not like to make much of them myself, or even to notice that I do them, since they are nothing at all. But pardon me, my Lord, and do not blame me if I try to comfort myself with the little that I do, seeing that I do not serve You at all. If I served You in great things, I should not think anything of these trifles. Blessed are they who serve You by great deeds. If envying them and desiring to emulate them would help me, I should not be backward in pleasing You. But I am worth nothing, O Lord. Put value into what I do, since You love me so.
One day, after I had received the Brief from Rome, empowering me to found this convent without an endowment, and after all the business – which I really think had cost me some labour – had been concluded, I was feeling glad that everything had turned out as it had, and thinking of the difficulties I had met with, and praising the Lord for having graciously made some use of me. Then I began to think of what I had gone through, and in every action of mine which had seemed to me of some value I began to find numberless faults and imperfections. In some of them too I could see a lack of courage, and in many of them a lack of faith. Until now, when I see that everything which the Lord prophesied to me in regard to this house has been accomplished, I have never resolutely managed to believe in His promise, nor ever been able really to mistrust it. I cannot explain this. The fact is that, on the one hand, it often seemed to me impossible, while on the other, I could not doubt it – I mean I could not believe that it would not be fulfilled. Eventually I found that the Lord had done all the good things, and I all the bad, and so I stopped thinking about the matter, and I would rather not remember it for fear of recalling all my faults. Blessed be He who turns every one of them to good, when it is His pleasure. Amen.
As I say, it is dangerous to keep counting the years that we have practised prayer. For even though it may be done in humility, it always seems liable to leave us with the feeling that we have earned some merit by our service. I do not say that we deserve nothing or that we shall not be well rewarded. But any spiritual person who believes that by the mere number of years during which he has practised prayer he has earned these spiritual consolations, will, I am sure, fail to reach the peak of spirituality. Is it not enough that God has thought him worthy of being guided by His hand and prevented from committing those offences into which he fell before he began to pray? Must he also, as they say, sue God for his money’s worth? This does not seem to me profound humility. It may be so, of course, though I look on it as presumption. I have little enough humility, but I do not think that I have ever dared to think like that. It may be because I have never served Him that I have never asked for a reward; if I had, perhaps I should have been more anxious than anybody for the Lord to give me my due.
I do not say that if a soul has prayed humbly, it does not steadily advance, or that God will not grant us progress. But we must forget this number of years, for all that we can do is as nothing compared with one drop of that blood which the Lord shed for us. And what are we asking for, if the more we serve Him the deeper we are in His debt? If we pay a farthing of it, He gives us a thousand pounds in return. For the love of God, let us leave this for Him to judge, for judgement is His. Comparisons of this kind are always bad, even in earthly matters. What must they be then, when applied to what only God has knowledge of? His Majesty clearly showed this when He paid the last labourers in the field as much as the first.1
It has taken me so long to write all this – the last three sheets have taken me as many days, for, as I have said, I have had, and still have, few opportunities for writing – that I had forgotten what I had begun to describe, which was this vision. Whilst I was at prayer, I saw myself in a large field alone, and around me was a crowd of all sorts of people that hedged me in on every side. They all seemed to be carrying weapons with which to attack me; some had lances, others swords, others daggers, and yet others very long rapiers. In fact, I could not escape in any direction without running the risk of death, and I was quite alone, without anyone to take my part. I was in great spiritual distress and did not know what to do, when I raised my eyes to the sky and saw Christ – not in Heaven, but far above me in the air – holding out His hand towards me and encouraging me in such a way that I no longer feared all these people, and they could not harm me, try though they might.
This vision will seem to lead nowhere, but it has since been of the greatest profit to me, because its meaning was explained to me, and soon afterwards I found myself attacked in almost that way. I realized then that this vision was a picture of the world, the whole of whose inhabitants seem to take up arms and fall on the poor soul. Not to mention those who are no great servants of God, or honours, possessions, delights, and all such things, there are clearly other agents who will ensnare, or at least try to ensnare, the soul when it is not on the look-out: its friends, its relatives, and, what surprises me most, some very good people. I found myself hard pressed by all these; they thought that what they did was right, and I did not know how to protect myself or what to do.
God help me! If I were to describe all the different trials and tribulations that I suffered at that time, in addition to those I have already spoken of, what a warning it would be to people that they must loathe all worldly things entirely! Of all the persecutions I endured, I think this was the worst. As I have said, sometimes I found myself so hard pressed from all sides that I could only find relief by raising my eyes to Heaven and calling upon God, keeping a clear memory of what I had seen in that vision. This greatly helped me not to put much trust in anybody, since no one can be relied on except God. The Lord showed me how, in these great trials, He always sent someone to hold out a hand to me on His behalf, just as He had promised He would in that vision, so that I had no need to cling to anything, but had only to please Him. This has served to sustain that little virtue that there was in my desire to serve You. May You be blessed for ever.
On one occasion I was very restless and disturbed, and quite unable to recollect myself. I was fighting and struggling in my mind, and my thoughts were straying to subjects that had nothing to do with perfection. Moreover I felt that I had lost my former detachment. I saw my own wickedness, and was afraid that the favours which the Lord had granted me might be illusions. In short, my soul was in great darkness. But in the midst of this distress, the Lord began to speak to me, telling me not to be troubled, but to learn, from the consideration of my misery, what a state I should be in if He were to withdraw from me, and to realize that we are never safe so long as we live in this flesh. I was shown how profitable our warring and struggling are to us, seeing that it is for such a prize, and the Lord seemed to me to be sorry for those of us who live in the world. He told me not to consider myself forgotten, for He would never abandon me, but that I must do everything in my power to help myself. The Lord said this to me with tenderness and compassion, and other things as well that were most gracious, and that there is no need to repeat.
The Lord often says to me, as a sign of His great love: ‘Now you are Mine and I am yours’. There are some words that I habitually repeat to myself at these times, and I believe that I mean them. They are: ‘What do I care about myself, Lord, or about anything but You?’ When I remember what I am, these words and tokens of love make me deeply ashamed. For, as I believe I have said on other occasions, and as I sometimes say at present to my confessor, I think one needs more courage for receiving these favours than for undergoing the sorest trials. When they come, I almost forget all I have done, my reason ceases to work, and I can only see a picture of my wickedness. I sometimes think that this too is a supernatural experience.
At times I feel such a longing for Communion that I cannot express it in words. One morning it happened to be raining so heavily that I was afraid I should not be able to leave the house. But once I had set out I was so mastered by my desire that I think I should have gone on even if spears had been levelled against my breast instead of raindrops. When I came to the church, I fell into a deep rapture. I seemed to see not just a door into the heavens such as I have seen on other occasions, but the whole heavens thrown wide open. I beheld the throne, which, as I have told your Reverence, I have seen at other times, and above it another throne, on which I understood, in a way that I cannot explain, the Godhead sat. It seemed to be supported by some beasts, about which I think I have heard something, and I wondered if they were the Evangelists.1 But I did not see what the throne was like, or who was on it, only a great multitude of angels, who seemed incomparably more beautiful than those I have seen in heaven. I wondered whether they were seraphim or cherubim, for they were very different in their glory and seemingly all on fire; the differences are very great, as I have said. The glory that I felt within me cannot be expressed in writing, nor yet in words; it is inconceivable to anyone who has not experienced it. I knew that everything one can desire was there at once, yet I saw nothing. I was told – I do not know by whom – that all I could do was to understand that I could understand nothing, and to consider that all things were as nothing in comparison with that. Afterwards my soul was ashamed to find that it could rest on any created thing, and still more that it could feel affection for it. For the whole world seemed to me just an ant-hill.
I took Communion and attended Mass, but I do not know how I did so. I thought that my rapture had only lasted a very short time, and was surprised when the clock struck. I saw that I had been in that state of bliss for two hours. Afterwards I was amazed at having experienced this fire, which seemed to come from on high, from the true love of God. For however much I desire and strive for it, and annihilate myself to get it, it is only when His Majesty pleases, as I have said on other occasions, that I can obtain even a single spark of it. It seems to consume the old man, with his faults, his tepidness and his misery; and then, it is like the phoenix-bird, of which I have read; when he is burnt there rises from the ashes a new man. Thus the soul is transformed; its desires are changed, and its fortitude is increased. It seems not to be the same as before, but begins to follow the way of the Lord with a new purity. When I prayed the Lord that this might be so with me, and that I might begin to serve Him afresh, He said to me: ‘You have made a good comparison. See that you do not forget it, and you will always try to improve.’
Once when I was afflicted with the doubt of which I have spoken, as to whether these visions were of God, the Lord appeared to me and said to me sternly: ‘O children of men, how long will you be hard of heart!’ He told me to examine myself carefully on one question, whether I had totally surrendered myself to Him or not. If I had and was His, then I must believe that He would never let me be lost. I was greatly troubled by this rebuke. So, very tenderly and consolingly, He told me once more not to worry, for He well knew that I should never knowingly fail to devote myself entirely to His service. He promised that all I desired should be fulfilled; and in fact what I was then praying Him for was granted me. He told me to reflect on my love for Him, which was growing within me every day, and then I should see that my experiences were not of the devil; nor must I imagine that He would ever allow the devil to have such traffic with the souls of His servants as to give them the clarity of mind and the quiet that I had. He gave me to understand that when so many people of such quality had told me that my visions were of God, I should be wrong to disbelieve them.
Once when I was reciting the psalm1 ‘Whosoever will be saved’ I was shown so clearly how it was possible that there was one God alone and Three Persons, that I was both amazed and greatly comforted. This greatly helped me to increase my knowledge of God’s greatness and of His marvels; and now when I think of the Most Holy Trinity or hear it spoken of, I seem to understand how it can be; which is a great joy to me.
Once, on the Feast of the Assumption of Our Lady, the Queen of the Angels, the Lord was pleased to grant me this favour. In a rapture, I saw a representation of her ascent into heaven, of the joy and solemnity with which she was received, and of the place where she now is. It would not be possible for me to explain how this happened. My spirit was filled with great bliss at the sight of such glory, and the vision had great fruits. For I was left with a strong desire to serve that Lady, because of her great merits.
Once when I was in a College of the Company of Jesus, as the brothers of that house were taking Communion, I saw a very rich canopy above their heads. Twice I saw this, but when others were at Communion I did not see it.