One Saturday afternoon in March 1916 I was sitting beside the pond in St. Stephen’s Green, watching Amelia feed ducks. She loved the mallards, with their green shiny heads, and could stay there for hours. Various other children played around her; I had nodded to a few other governesses or nursemaids whom I knew, but had tried very hard to avoid their company.
I had been in Ireland for over six months, I mused, and what had I achieved? Certainly not the happiness that had seemed so tantalizingly close... I had begun to wonder if I should return to England. Perhaps I could get a post with a nice middle-class English family, I thought, where I would be one of them, not an outsider. It would all be very ordinary and pleasant, and I could forget the troubling events of these past months. Perhaps I could even meet a nice young man and do the expected thing . . . but then, weren’t all the nice young men off being slaughtered at the Western Front?
Rex Philpott came to mind, and I wondered why he had not written. Perhaps he had thought better of it, realizing, of course, that we were of different classes and had very little in common. Maybe he had found another lover. The thought bothered me, somehow. If he were to visit on leave and court me now, I thought, I would probably accept him—but it would be out of desperation and loneliness, not love. In a way I was glad not to be tempted.
I had written to the headmistress of my school, who had recommended me for the post at Thornley, asking her to notify me if any other offers came in. A sudden rescue would be such a relief, I thought. Or perhaps now that I was in Dublin I should look up Mrs. Grimsby; maybe one of her friends needed a governess. I did not know how I could explain leaving the Wilcoxes, though. Everyone would think I was mad.
I was enjoying the weak sun and looked up, startled, as someone blocked its path. Grace was standing in front of me. Amelia, seeing her, waved, and smiled at me as if to say, “Now you have someone to amuse you, Miss Singleton.” I met Grace’s eyes as coolly and neutrally as I could, then looked away. She sat down beside me on the bench.
“Remember the last time we sat on a bench together?” I enquired. “Perhaps you’ve forgotten.”
“No, I haven’t forgotten that.”
“Really? But you seem to have forgotten my existence over the past few months.”
I still didn’t look at her.
“I had to do that. I’m sorry.”
“Oh? One of your revolutionary chums told you to, I suppose.”
“I can understand you being angry.”
“Yes, I’m angry.” I spoke in a low voice, and the words rushed out. “You betrayed me, and I don’t see how I can ever trust you again. If just the thought of us having some future together is so repellant to you, then you should never have started anything with me. How was I to know that you couldn’t ask for that? It’s what people do, even people like us.”
“People like us?” Grace said, looking out over the pond with what seemed to be a faint smile.
“Yes, people who love their own sex. But I forgot: you probably don’t consider yourself anything of the sort!”
She said nothing, playing with the catch of a little bag she was carrying. I stole a glance at her, but her face revealed little of her thoughts.
“Well, it doesn’t matter. I’m going to look for another position. Obviously you’ll stay on here until your precious uprising happens—and then what? You’ll leave, I suppose. Will the Wilcoxes ever know what they harbored in their midst?”
She shook her head.
“It’s so deceptive, don’t you think? How can you stand to work here, anyway? The rest of the staff are firmly royalist, as far as I can see.”
“I don’t associate with them much.”
“That’s right. You think you’re too good for them.”
“No, I just don’t have anything in common with them.”
Her calm responses infuriated me. “Well, I suppose there’s no point in expecting any remorse from you.”
“I have felt guilty. Of course I have. It’s just—there’s been a lot of planning, and I really wanted to keep you separate from it. I felt that I couldn’t carry on a romance with you while this was going on. You wanted so much from me.”
“Of course I wanted a lot from you! I loved you, Grace. It was always so simple.”
She smiled. “Simple for you.”
“Oh, don’t give me that nonsense!” I snapped. “But I suppose you were right to end it with me before I became completely besotted with you.”
“Is that all gone?” she said, turning to me. Her eyes, green mingling with brown, looked at me imploringly, and I caught my breath.
“How can you ask? You’ve ignored me for so long . . . I thought you wanted to break with me, and I’ve tried to forget you.” My voice, sounding wretched to my own ears, seemed to wring some pity from her. She looked at me with compassion, tenderness.
“No . . . I should have explained, but . . . I haven’t forgotten you. I wanted to see you all this time, but I couldn’t allow myself. I couldn’t risk the possibility that I’d tell you something that would get into the wrong hands.”
“That doesn’t make sense. I hardly ever question you and never ask for specifics.”
“I know. But I so much wanted to tell you everything. It was my weakness, not y ours. Because...”
I stared at her.
“Because I love you so much.”
Her words shocked and thrilled me to the core. I bent my head, and Grace put her hands over mine, exclaiming at their coldness. She spoke soothingly to me, which made the tears that had filled my eyes spill over. They splashed onto her hands.
“Listen, it won’t be long now,” she whispered. “Something will happen next month. I’ll leave the Wilcoxes about a week before, and I’ll tell you where I’m going. It won’t be home, it’ll be a safe place. That way you’ll know where I am.”
“You’re not asking me to join you.”
“How could I ask that?”
I shrugged. “You don’t think I’d be strong enough, I suppose. Or you’re ashamed of me.”
“No, not ashamed. Quite a lot of our supporters have grand accents, you know.” She spoke teasingly, but I still did not smile.
“So I’ll know where you are,” I said wearily. “Well, that’s better than not knowing. Forgive me for not being overwhelmingly grateful to you.”
She was silent. I heard Amelia cry, “I’m getting cold, Miss Singleton,” and I stood up, noticing how my bones ached.
“It’s a damp city,” Grace said.
“And you haven’t been there to light my fires,” I said in a low voice.
She nodded, looking up at me, shielding her eyes against the sun. “Would you like me to visit tonight?”
“I don’t know,” I muttered. The thought frightened me, and I bit my lip. “Don’t do it for my sake.”
“Would you bar the door?”
“I just don’t know if I trust you now. I’m sorry.”
Amelia came running over to us, her face flushed. “Hello, Grace!”
“Afternoon, Miss Amelia,” Grace replied in calm tones. She’s good with children, I thought.
“Did you come to see Miss Singleton?”
“No, I was walking past and got a big surprise.”
“I hope you gave her something,” Amelia babbled. “Whenever I quarrel with my friends I give them something to make up.”
“That’s a nice idea, Miss,” Grace said. She smiled at me and turned to go. I watched her walk away, rather stunned, and could think of nothing to say to Amelia.
“Why didn’t she walk with us?” Amelia asked.
“I don’t know,” I said. “Perhaps it’s her day off.”
“Oh yes, it probably is. Last year, she introduced me to her brother. He came around on one of her days off. He’s such a handsome fellow. Pity he has such a low occupation.”
“What does he do?” I asked distractedly.
“He works as a barman. One of the maids told Nurse. At a public house called the Cloak and Dagger. It’s supposed to be quite rough.”
“You shouldn’t know about public houses, Amelia.”
“Well, I’ve never been in one, Miss Singleton,” Amelia confessed, as if this proved her virtue. “Have you?”
“Now, Amelia, don’t be impertinent,” I said, smiling. She was so much easier to deal with than Grace, and I loved her for it. “Let’s go back to the house and I’ll read to you until tea-time.”
“Oh, good!” she exclaimed, clapping her hands.