Introduction
Work is full of satisfying, challenging and rewarding moments. It can offer us support, friendship, understanding, learning and development. But work can also be a place where we feel out of our depth, where we question our ability to take on challenges, and may feel inadequate, hurt and depleted. Resilience is therefore essential for us at work, and we need to understand failure, respond to it quickly and build our capacity to bounce back.
Resilience can be understood in many ways. There is the image of resilience captured in the tree that can bend slightly in the storm; it can move with the winds and return to its upright position when the storm has passed. In science, resilience is identified as the ability of material to return to its original state after it has been stretched or bent. There are also many physical, emotional and psychological manifestations of resilience. It is a concept that can be applied to a nation’s response to a natural disaster; an organization’s ability to cope with a merger; a team’s ability to cope with the death of their leader; or perhaps an individual who has started a new job away from trusted colleagues, or been able to cope with their ill parents and marriage breakdown and keep working.
What unites all these different expressions of resilience is the ability to adapt and change to the circumstances they face. In a Darwinian sense, survival is not necessarily the preserve of the strongest or the most intelligent of the species; it is the preserve of the species that can adjust and modify.
The subject of resilience is important to me personally as well as professionally. As a child I was incredibly shy and awkward. If someone looked at me, never mind spoke to me, I would blush furiously and hate myself for not being able to be confident and calm. I was desperate to please and unbearably self-conscious. Over the years I learnt to observe people and relationships and to develop my capacity to deal with difficulty. I sought help, gathered trusted friends and advisors and became competent at doing things that would have been unimaginable to my younger self. I now consult, lecture, coach and mediate with confidence, but always with an awareness of the potential vulnerability in myself and the other. I regularly fail and my resilience is tested constantly – but I bounce back.
The message of this book is that resilience is not something that you are born with, it is not a mere personality trait. You have resilience and you can develop resilience, we all can. No one can avoid challenges, pain and difficulty in life and at work. We can develop our resilience and our capacity to deal with adversity, loss and change.
Resilience at work
At work we may be asked to work longer hours or to use new technology. We may have to adapt our practice to fit with new legislation, or we may be asked to work internationally. We may face challenging or critical feedback, and be expected to work with difficult people. Our resources may be limited, and we may need to work in a more flexible and speedy way. We may have to manage or face redundancy. In a resilient state, we can deal with these challenges with vigour and enthusiasm. We can remain positive and strong and we can recover quickly from the occasional dip. More likely, though, at some point we may find our confidence eroded by the hurdles and changes we face, and feel sensitive and less robust than usual.
Think of the idiom, the straw that broke the camel’s back. The camel is a strong creature, capable of surviving in the harsh conditions of the desert, going for long periods without water. Yet even the camel can be broken by carrying just that extra bit of straw. We might all break when we are facing a series of irritations, interruptions, disappointments and disruptions. We are all subject to feeling broken at times, to a breaking down of sorts, of losing our resilience.
Why bounce back?
The title of this book is drawn from the Latin word resilio, which means ‘to bounce back’; the ability to deal with difficult situations and to recover, to rebound, to get back on track. It is impossible to go through life without challenges, disappointments and traumas from which we will need to recover and get back to work (and life). Resilience is not about forgetting about the difficulties that we have faced, or ignoring the challenge of those adversities; these experiences and difficulties will change us, and they will impact our emotional selves and our response to future crises.
What resilience is about, though, is enabling us to think in times of difficulty, to consider our behavioural and emotional responses despite the challenges we face. In other words, resilience helps us to deal with the situation in a constructive and a creative way. With resilience, we can turn challenges into opportunities, learn from adversity and develop strategies to ensure that the physical and mental collateral is manageable. Picture the weeble doll – no matter how many times the toy is knocked down it bounces back – with a smile on its face. The weeble wobbles, but it doesn’t fall down. How remarkable would it be if we could adopt such resilience in dealing with the inevitable knocks we face, both at work and in our personal lives.
This book has been written to help you to bounce back – to give you the resilience to cope with the inevitable failures, knocks and disappointments that accompany all of us – no matter how idyllic life looks from the outside. Resilience can help us not only survive at work, but it can also help us to flourish and develop. It can help us transform difficult and challenging experiences into learning so that our skill and understanding grow. When you face adversity it is understandable that you might feel anguished or angry, yet resilient people seem able to continue to function – physically and psychologically.
Wherever we work and whatever role we deliver, we all have the power to become more resilient, to change our thinking and our response to failure. We will have setbacks, we will be challenged, we will be disappointed, but, drawing on our inner strength, we can bounce back.
Resilience is not binary – you don’t have or not have resilience. It is something that can be developed, enhanced and refined. It is my belief that each of us has the capacity to develop our resilience.
This book will help you.
How to use this book
This book examines resilience from a number of fresh angles. Each chapter stands alone and can be read and applied on a topic by topic basis. However, if you read from cover to cover you will get the building blocks of the road to resilience – from your internal to your external world, as a follower or as a leader, in times of change or times of loss, times of synergy and team work and times of conflict and disruption.
This introductory chapter sets the scene and introduces the concepts that will be developed and explored in Bounce Back. Chapter 1 explores the relationship we have to failure, how this can be crippling for some and prevent us from embracing the learning that comes with trying something that is not certain. Failing fast is not a call to reckless action, but a framework of permission that allows you the space to make a mistake – not mindlessly, not thoughtlessly, but in the process of development and enrichment at work.
Chapter 2 presents the brain and body and their relationship to resilience. Whilst we are talking a lot in this book about emotional resilience, the physical impact of our body and the remarkable capacity of the brain to change itself is fundamental to growing resilience.
Chapter 3 delves beneath the surface. Much of who we are and the way we approach life is formed not just in our recent years but in our early years of life, and even before that, in the womb. This chapter examines the elements of ourselves that are less easy to access, the hidden parts of our identity that shape the way we behave.
In Chapter 4, we examine the inevitability of change and disruption in our working lives. This can cause anxiety, stress and difficulty. We need resilience to cope with change and loss. This chapter examines the way in which we embrace change and offers understanding and tools to cope with inevitable losses at work.
Chapter 5 ventures into the subject of leadership. As a leader or as a follower there are challenges. When we are promoted to a position of leadership, we move from being one of the team to someone different, with different pressures, responsibilities and demands. How can we prepare ourselves to cope with this transition? And how can we as followers deal with the demands of our leaders?
In Chapter 6 we examine conflict, a topic that at times we can have a difficult relationship with. At its core, conflict at work requires us to separate behaviour from the person, the outcome from the intent and the past from the future. Coping with disagreements, perceived attacks and bullying behaviour can disrupt and derail us at work. This chapter examines the topic and offers some constructive tools to help you to develop your resilience in the conflict arena.
Chapter 7 tackles purpose: what is it that energizes you and creates the motivation to work hard? The relationship between our sense of purpose and our resilience is uncovered and the centrality of that bond in coping with adversity examined. The chapter also gives you exercises to reflect on what your sense of purpose is – what drives you to go to work every day? It will be different for us all.
The final chapter ties the key themes of the book together and directs you to further ways in which you can build your resilient self at work. It offers some strategies to examine ideas in more detail; but as we go along, at the end of each chapter there is an exercise, or several exercises, to help build your self-awareness and understanding. These exercises can be carried out multiple times. Some exercises will take you a few minutes, others, such as the Resilience self-awareness, may take a longer time as you explore some deep issues worthy of reflection and consideration. Taking the Resilience self-assessment test at the start of reading the book and at the end may give you an indication of how your resilience has developed.
The French psychologist Boris Cyrulnik first identified the notion of psychological resilience. His own personal trauma and loss helped him to develop the theory that it is not these experiences that determine our destiny, it is how we respond to that pain and suffering. He wrote about the inner strength we all possess that can set us free, that we are more capable than we imagine ourselves to be. Cyrulnik (2011)1 drew our attention to the pearl as an emblem of resilience. The pearl is the result of a grain of sand that gets lodged in an oyster shell, the sand irritates the oyster and, to defend itself, it produces a nacreous substance that ultimately becomes something hard, shiny and precious – a pearl.
Wherever you are now in your relationship with resilience, there is potential to develop. You can build your resilience reserves and face your future with excitement and energy. Failure, adversity and change will of course impact on you, but you can bounce back, you can cultivate resilience.
Exercises
Resilience self-assessment
When exploring our resilience, there is often a disparity between our own sense of resilience and the way others see us. It could be that we feel far frailer than we are seen to be… or perhaps because we are quiet, we might be judged as being less resilient. The situations in which we find ourselves can also vary greatly, as, too, can our resilience in these circumstances.
Thinking about yourself at work, how would you rate your sense of resilience? Award yourself a mark out of 10, where 10 is the most resilient. And how would others rate you? Ask a few people (suggestions in the exercise below) to give you a mark out of 10. There is no right or wrong response to the questions posed; the intention of the exercise is to get you to pause and examine yourself a little closer. On a scale of 1 to 10:
How would you rate yourself?
How would your partner rate you?
How would your colleague rate you?
How would your mentor/coach (if you have one) rate you?
How would your direct manager rate you?
How would your friend rate you?
Look at these marks and consider what this might mean. Is there a disparity?
Note: In exploring your self-assessment and the way in which you imagine others see you, it might be worth considering how optimistic or pessimistic you feel you are as a person. Consider how you have behaved when you have had setbacks. Do you find it easy to let go and then carry on, or do these setbacks tend to stay with you?
Resilience self-awareness
Take some time to ask yourself the following questions. Reflect on each topic and this will help you to understand how you assess your relationship to resilience currently. Remember: your relationship to resilience is not static. It can change over time and in different circumstances. This exercise may require some time to complete as you reflect on your experiences. You do not have to rush through each question; take your time and begin to understand your foundations and how the relationship of these key elements of your identity impact your resilience. This exercise will help you to begin to uncover where your potential blind spots might be lurking.
Was your family life secure?
Did you have to deal with particular trauma or change in early life?
Have you had to deal with many challenges in your life?
How did you cope with adversities, large or small?
Are you a self-confessed pessimist?
Or are you an optimist?
How quickly do you move on from setbacks and disappointments?
How would your colleagues describe the way you deal with setbacks and disappointments?
What have you learnt about yourself when you have dealt with disappointment?
What support have you drawn on from others?
How have you helped yourself to get through difficulties?
Reasons to be resilient
Tick the statement(s) that apply to you.
I want to be more resilient so that:
I can feel more confident.
I can be a better manager.
I can support my peers.
I can get over…
I will be less anxious.
I will worry less.
I will be able to say no.
I will have a better work–life balance.
I can achieve more.
I can waste less time on self-doubt.
I can enjoy my success.
I can apply for promotion.
To further build your self-awareness, rank these in order of importance.
I want to be more resilient so that:
Resilience scale
Plot yourself on this line of resilience. At one end there is nothing; you are exhausted and without any strength or thought of possibilities for the future. At the other end, you are buoyant, excited, ready to tackle anything. Where do you sit?
Remember: this is not a binary choice and it is not limited by time. You can move along this scale over the course of a piece of work, a project, even a day!
Endnote
1 Cyrulnik, B (2011) Resilience: How your inner strength can set you free from the past, Penguin, London