This advertising man gets to make an advertisement for Trevor’s Nail Factory. A week later he visits the factory’s managing director, carrying a large roll of paper with him. He rolls it out and there’s an image of Jesus on the cross, with the following text underneath: “Thanks to the nails from Trevor, I’ve been hanging here forever.” The managing director is aghast and says: “We couldn’t accept that, sir. No, we just couldn’t. Have another try, without Jesus on the cross.”
A week later, the advertising man returns, carrying a large roll of paper with him. This time there’s an image of Jesus lying face down in the dirt under the cross, with the following text: “NOW I’M FLAT ON MY FACE. WITH TREVOR’S NAILS I’D STILL BE IN PLACE.”
To his own surprise, Moos has already been working for a few weeks as a waiter in a restaurant. One day a client calls out to him: “Waiter! What a small steak! Last time I was here, it was a whole lot bigger.” “Sir”, says Moos, “that’s an optical illusion. Since you were last here, the restaurant’s been rebuilt and it’s much larger now.”
Madonna doesn’t have one; the pope has one but doesn’t use it. Bush has a short one and Wolfowitz a long one. What is it? A last name.
A German and a Jew are standing at the side of the water wondering if they’ll take a swim. The German sticks his elbow into the water and says: “Brrr, too cold for me.” The Jew then sticks his nose in and says: “It’s not just cold; it’s really deep too!”
There’s been a huge flood. The water is still rising. All the people have fled to the roofs. After a while, a boat comes along with rescue workers who pull everyone off the roof. Only the priest refuses to go. He says: “God will save me.” The rescue workers try to convince him but he stubbornly insists, saying: “God will save me.” So the boat drifts away with everyone in the village on it except the priest.
After a while another boat comes along. The water has meanwhile risen even further; the priest is in it up to his waist. But he still doesn’t want to go, saying: “God will save me.”
Still later, the priest is standing on the roof of the house up to his neck in water. A helicopter arrives overhead and through the megaphone a voice says: “Father, we’ve come to save you! You’ve been saved!” But the priest refuses to go with them, saying: “God will save me.” The water rises and rises, the house disappears under water and finally the priest disappears too.
At the heavenly gates, in a deeply offended voice, the priest says to Saint Peter: “I was so sure God would save me.” Peter, who doesn’t understand it either, answers: “Indeed sir, you have lived a life beyond reproach. You had every reason to expect to be saved.” So he sends the priest through to the big boss. The priest stands in front of God’s throne asking: “Why didn’t you save me while I was standing on that roof waiting?” God says: “You know, I don’t understand it either. Something must’ve gone wrong. I personally sent two boats and a helicopter to get you.”
Two skeletons come into a bar. One says: “Give me two beers and a mop.”
A primary school teacher promises a surprise to the pupil who solves the riddle. Her first riddle is: it walks around on a farm, it’s spotted and it gives milk. Johnny puts up his hand and says: “A cow.” The teacher says: “That’s good, but I meant a goat.”
Her next riddle is: “It walks around on a farm, it’s got feathers and it lays eggs.” Johnny tries again, saying: “A chicken.” The teacher says: “That’s good, but I meant a goose.”
Johnny’s pretty sick of this by now and he says he’s got a riddle for his teacher. He says: “It’s hard and dry when you put it in your mouth and it comes back out all soft and damp.” The teacher turns red and Johnny says: “That’s good, but I meant chewing gum.”
A mule goes to the doctor. The doctor looks up and says: “A bit hoarse, aren’t you?”
I’m walking with a friend around the red-light district in Amsterdam and all of a sudden he shoots three black men dead. I say: “What’re you doing?” He says: “I’ve got an MHL, a migrant hunting license.” So I buy one too.
A week later, we’re walking on the wrong side of the tracks in The Hague and I shoot five black men. Along comes a police officer and says: “What do you think you’re doing?” “I’ve got an MHL.” The police officer says: “Yeah, but that only covers the inner cities, not the reservations.”
“Can Johnny come out and play baseball?” Johnny’s mother: “But children, Johnny doesn’t have any arms or legs.” “Oh that’s okay, we’ll use him as a base!”
There’s this man with a bible store and he’s looking for someone to sell bibles door-to-door. So he sticks a sign in his store window: WANTED - door-to-door bible salesman. A man comes in and says: “IIIII would lllllike to sssssell bbbbbbibles.” The storekeeper: “But Sir, with your speech defect, do you think you’d have any luck?” “IIIII’d rrrrrreally llllike to be gggggiven a cccchance.” “Well then,” says the storekeeper, “I like to give everyone a chance, so I guess I’d better give you a chance too. Come back Monday at 9 o’clock.”
The stutterer returns Monday morning and gets a huge stack of bibles. At 12:00 he returns to the store empty-handed. He’s sold all the bibles and goes off again with a new stack. At 4:00 he comes back again. His second load of bibles has been sold and he asks for more. “Okay by me”, says the shopkeeper, “but I’d sure like to hear how you’re managing it. You’ve sold a formidable number of bibles!” The man says: “Ttttthat’s easy. 111111 rrring the bbbbell. Ssssssomeone ccccomes to the ddddoor. Ttthen I aaaask: “Wwwwould you llllike to bbbbuy a bbbible? Or ssshall I rrrread it ttttto you?”
“Would you love my daughter just as much if I didn’t have a cent?” asks the millionaire of his only daughter’s fiancé. “Of course I would!” answers the fiancé, “Get the hell out of here then”, says the millionaire, “I don’t need any idiots in my family.”
Diana and Dodi are sitting in the car arguing. Their dinner that evening was disappointing and they still want something to eat but can’t agree on what. Diana wants to go get Chinese food and Dodi wants shoarma. The chauffeur is sitting there listening and he’s just about had a bellyful of the bickering in the backseat. He turns around and says: “If you can’t make a decision, why not the drive-in.”
At the police station, three men suspected of a stick-up at a jewelry store are standing in a line-up: a German, a Dutchman and a Belgian. The jeweler comes in to identify the suspect. The Belgian steps out of the line-up and says: “Yeah, that’s him!”
A man visits a whorehouse and says: “I’ve heard that you have something very special here, a whore who can sing while she does a blow job.” “That’s right”, says the Madam, “there’s only one condition - she won’t do it unless it’s completely dark in the room.” The man agrees; he goes into the room. He can’t see anything at all but it is as rumored, she begins to give him a blow job and she sings at the same time. When it’s done, he’s still very curious about how she managed to do it. So he goes back one more time and takes a penlight with him. He goes into the room and she begins her blow job and her singing and when she’s really busy, he very carefully clicks on his penlight. And what does he see there on the bedside table? A glass eye in the water glass.
Willem van Hanegem approaches Van Gaal and says: “I’ve heard that football’s connected to intelligence. Have you ever heard that?” “Yes”, says coach Van Gaal, “football has a lot to do with intelligence. Watch while I demonstrate.” So he calls Kluivert over and asks: “It’s your father’s son but not your brother. Who is it?” “Dead easy”, says Kluivert, “it’s me.” “See what I mean about intelligence?” says Van Gaal to Van Hanegem. So Van Hanegem tries it out for himself. He calls Ed de Goey over and says: “It’s your father’s son but not your brother. Who is it?” De Goey, who has to have a good think about that, walks around the field a bit. On his way, he asks Taument the same question and he says: “Yeah, of course! That’s me.” So Ed de Goey returns to Van Hanegem and says: “I know who it is. It’s Taument!” No, it’s not”, says Van Hanegem, ”it’s Patrick Kluivert.”
A welfare worker and his wife decide to have a black child. They ask a Surinamer how he got his black children. “Simple, just by screwing”, says the Surinamer. So the welfare worker and his wife screw a few times and nine months later their child is born. But it’s white. “Now how could that have happened?” the new father asks the Surinamer the next day. “Is your prick a foot long?” asks the Surinamer. “No.” “Is your prick five inches wide?” “No.” “Then too much light got in.”
Moos goes skiing. He gets caught in an avalanche while he’s out on the slopes. A search team is formed to go look for him. As soon as they see him, they start calling: “Mr. Cohen, Mr. Cohen, we’re on our way. We’re from the Red Cross!” Moos calls back: “I gave at the office!”
A farmer is out walking through his pastures and sees someone about to drink from a poisoned creek. He calls out: “Watch out, don’t drink that, the water is poisoned!” The man at the creek calls back in German: “What’d you say?” The farmer says in German: “Always use both hands when drinking from a creek.”
A man goes to the doctor and says: “Doctor, I’m half deaf.” “What do you mean, half deaf?” “Well”, says the man, “I always hear exactly half of what anyone says.” “That’s new to me”, says the doctor, “I’ll just take a look then. Go on over to the corner of the room and stand there with your back to me. I’ll be in the other corner. You repeat everything I say.” So the man goes and stands in the corner, his back to the doctor. The doctor says: “Eighty-eight.” The man: “Forty-four.”
A man arrives at the heavenly gates, is greeted by Saint Peter and is given a tour. He gets to see all the ins and outs of heaven: it is very beautiful and brightly lit and dazzling, with clouds and cherubim and classical music everywhere. All of a sudden the man sees a really thick, heavy, velvet curtain. “What’s back there?” asks the man. “Shush”, says Peter, “the Dutch Reformed are behind that curtain. They think they’re the only ones up here.”
What’s the difference between a Jew and a stew?
A stew doesn’t scream when it’s put in the oven.
A man and a dog are sitting next to each other on a bench in the park looking at the pigeons. The man wants to light up a cigarette but sees that the package is empty. He turns to the dog and asks: “Say, Carl, can you lend me a fag?” “No”, says the dog, “but I saw a store just down the street.” “Great,” says the man, “here’s ten bucks. Get me a pack, will you?” An hour later the dog has still not returned so the man goes to look for him. He finds him in a bar, nursing a large whiskey. “That’s just great”, says the man, “I’ve trusted you all this time and now you pull a fast one on me.” The dog says: “Yeah, but you’ve never given me money before.”
Whispering child’s voice on the telephone: “Hello?”
“Hello, is your mother there?”
“Yeah, she’s here, but she’s very very busy!”
“Well, is your father there then?”
“Yeah, he’s here too, but he’s very very busy!”
“Are there any other adults there?”
“Yeah. The police’s here. And the fire department.”
“Can I speak to one of them?”
“No, they’re really really busy too.”
“What’s everyone doing there then?”
“Looking for me!”
When are you allowed to spit in a Turkish woman’s face? When her mustache is on fire.
In a fit of anger, Sam has thrown his mother-in-law out the second-floor window and now he’s standing in front of the judge. “I hope”, thunders the judge, “that you have finally appreciated that what you have done just isn’t kosher. You could have caused a tragedy.” Sam nods. “You’re right”, he admits. “I could’ve hit an innocent passer-by.”
There’s this man who parks his bike near Soestdijk Palace [residence of the former Queen Juliana]. Along comes a member of the Royal Constabulary and says: “Sir, don’t you know you’re not allowed to park your bike there? Not only that, but his Royal Highness Prince Bernhard [Prince-consort of Queen Juliana] is about to arrive.” To which the man answers: “Oh that doesn’t matter, I’ve already locked it”
Two friends are both going out with dumb blondes. One says to the other: “I’ll just show you how dumb my girlfriend is, okay?” He calls his girlfriend over and says: “Listen, here’s five euros; can you go and get five crates of beer for me at the supermarket?” “Okay”, says the dumb blonde and off she goes to the supermarket with the five euros. “That’s nothing”, says the other. “Shall I show you how dumb my girlfriend is?” So he calls his girlfriend and says: “Hey Anita, would you go to my place and have a look if I’m there too?” “Yeah okay”, the blonde says and off she goes. A little while later the two girls run into each other. The one says: “My boyfriend is so incredibly dumb. He gave me five euros to buy five crates of beer for him while he knows I could never carry five crates all by myself!” “That’s nothing”, says the other. “My boyfriend just sent me to his place to see if he was there. He could just as easily have phoned!”
A Mother Superior goes to the doctor and blushes while she whispers to him: “Doctor, I don’t know what it is, but I have a blue spot between my legs and I’ve no idea where it came from.” “Then I’ll have to have a look”, says the doctor. After a short inspection, the doctor says: “No need to worry, Mother Superior. It’s only a Chiquita banana sticker.”
A salesman goes out into the country to sell vacuum cleaners. He arrives at a farm and a big, fat farmer’s wife opens the door, blaring: “What do you want?” “Madam”, says the man, “what I’ve got here is a vacuum that will clean up anything and everything.” The salesman throws a pile of dust into the living room and says: “Anything this vacuum leaves behind, I will eat up personally.” “Well then”, says the farmer’s wife, “better start now because we haven’t got electricity out here.”
What do you call a dumb blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
A racist in Amsterdam always gets into his car in the evenings and goes and runs down Turks. One evening he gets into his car and drives away. There goes a Turk. He puts his foot to the floor, looks in his rearview mirror, and bingo, one down. He does this another couple of times. Then he sees a minister trying to hitch a ride so he picks him up. The driver sees another Turk but thinks: “I won’t run him down, I’ll just drive right up next to him.” He’s already passed the guy when he looks in his rearview mirror by habit and sees the Turk lying there dead anyway. The minister says: “Good thing I opened my door, or you would have missed that one.”
What do you call the gay brother who’s been asked to be a witness at his nephew’s baptism? The fairy godfather.
A drunk is walking across the fairgrounds. He comes to a shooting gallery and slurs: “I wanna shoot.” So he gets a rifle and shoots - bullseye. He gets a bullfrog as his prize, takes it, puts it in his pocket and walks away. After a while he returns, drunker then ever, and repeats: “I wanna shoot!” Again, a bullseye and so he’s won another bullfrog. The drunk puts the bullfrog in his pocket and staggers away. He comes back later and wants to shoot again. Bullseye. Regrettably, the bullfrogs are all gone so he gets a teddy bear. The drunk looks at the teddy bear, looks at the man in the shooting gallery with disgust and says: “Haven’t you got any more cream puffs?”
All sorts of people are sitting in an airplane. All of a sudden they hear a voice coming from the speaker: “If you look out of the window on your right, you will see the Atlantic Ocean and also that the motor on your right is on fire. If you look out of the window on your left, you will see the Atlantic Ocean and also that the motor on your left is on fire. If you look down, you will see a rubber boat in the Atlantic Ocean containing the crew of this aircraft. This was a tape recording.”