Honey, We Need to Talk

MA’AM, I HAVE to tell you something about your man. It’s something you’ve probably suspected for years but couldn’t prove. Even though this news will be distressing, deep down you’ve known it all along.

He’ll deny it, but I guarantee it’s the truth. And it will explain a lot about him and about your relationship. So sit down and get a strong grip on the armrest.

Your man is a CIA agent. The “job” he goes to every day is a front. A sham. A cover for his clandestine activities.

You know I’m right. The evidence, once you step back and look at it, is overwhelming. The man keeps secrets. He doesn’t tell you much about himself, does he? You are on a need-to-know basis, and apparently you don’t need to know much.

He doesn’t talk about his job. He doesn’t talk about his thoughts. He doesn’t talk about his feelings. He doesn’t talk about much of anything, does he? When you work for the Company, these are all matters of national security.

Did you ever wonder why he is such a master at avoiding your attempts to get him to open up and share himself with you? Well, now you know why. He’s been trained by his CIA handlers to withstand brutal interrogations and keep his secrets inside. So when you are interrogating—I mean asking him to talk personally—he clams up tight and reveals nothing.

All right, he doesn’t work for the CIA. It just seems that way. But there are three central reasons your man doesn’t share his secrets—his personal, inside self—with you.

The first reason is simple. He’s a man, and men are genetically engineered to avoid personal sharing—with a woman or anyone else. He wants to be in control, and personal sharing makes him feel out of control. He wants to project the image of a strong, capable man, and opening up makes him feel weak and vulnerable.

He is more logical and analytical than emotional. He sees the world through his logical lens and doesn’t think emotions are helpful in coping with life and solving problems.

He also knows he’s not good at this whole touchy-feely, intimacy thing. He figures, If I’m not good at it, why try? He wants to feel competent at tasks, and he feels incompetent in this realm of sharing personal thoughts and feelings. He believes he won’t do well and that you’ll be disappointed in him.

Additionally he has never—and I mean never—seen another significant man in his life share something personal. Dad didn’t do it. Stepdad didn’t do it. Neither grandfather did it. Uncles, teachers, coaches, bosses—none of these influential men shared in a personal way in his presence.

What he did see these men do, over and over and over, was stuff their emotions, act tough, and deal only in facts and logic. When they did talk, it was about sports and cars and politics and fixing things.

Is it any wonder he doesn’t share personal thoughts and feelings with you? He was taught by other men to clam up and keep his personal information to himself.

The third reason for his lack of personal sharing is that at least one woman in his past hurt him deeply. He loved her, he was close to her, and she traumatized him. It could have been his mother, a stepmother, a grandmother, a sister, a teacher, an old girlfriend, or an ex-wife.

That trauma caused him to put up thick walls around his heart, and he’s not lowering them. He won’t take the chance that you’ll hurt him in the same way.

All right, Mr. Clam. I’m going to make this short and simple and clear. By not opening up and sharing personally on a regular basis with your woman, you are breaking her heart. She won’t—in fact, she can’t—feel loved by you if you don’t reveal what’s going on in your heart and mind.

She wants to know you. She wants to share your life. She wants to help you deal with your stresses and worries. She wants to know what you think and feel. She wants to be close to you—closer than anyone else. In fact, these are not just wants. These are her deep needs in your relationship.

When you learn how to share regularly with her on a personal level, you’ll both experience the benefits:

She’ll be drawn to you physically, and your sex life will be greatly improved (but don’t stop reading here—there are three more benefits!).

How Are We Doing?

• Tell your woman the reasons you don’t open up and share personally with her.

• Talk to her about the male models in your life, especially your dad. What did these important men teach you about personal communication with a woman?

• Talk to her about the important women in your life, especially your mom. What kind of relationship did you have with your mom as you grew up?

• What woman burned you in your past? Tell your woman what happened and how it has affected the way you communicate—or don’t communicate—with her.

• Ask your woman how important it is to her for you to regularly share your inner life with her.

• Ask her what types of personal information she’d like you to share with her.

I have a tool that will help you, Mr. Clam, open up and talk on a deeper, more personal level with your woman. This tool has helped me and thousands of men I’ve worked with in my therapy office, through phone and e-mail advice sessions, and at my marriage seminars.

You already know about the pad because I wrote about it in the previous chapter. I taught you how to use the pad for responding to topics expressed by your woman. Now I’m going to teach you how to use it to generate your own original, personal information.

Your woman loves when you respond to what she says. She also loves when you share your own personal stuff. The pad will help you do that.

Get a small pad of paper, and keep it with you at all times. Or use your iPhone or iPad. As you go through the day, record personal things about yourself that you think will interest your woman. Then talk about these personal items with her during your three thirty-minute Couple Talk Times.

You’re thinking, But what kinds of things do I record? Good question. You have some idea now, though, because you just asked her that very thing when you tackled the “How Are We Doing?” section above. See that last item on the list? It’s a prompt to ask her what type of personal information she wants you to share with her.

I’m going to walk you through a series of personal sharing categories. It has been my experience with my wife, Sandy, and all the women I’ve talked to as a psychologist over the last thirty years that these are the top ten areas in a man’s life that hold real interest for a woman.

Talk to her about events that occur in your day-to-day life. These could include work meetings; conversations with coworkers, friends, neighbors, or family; seminars; sporting events; and so on. If some interesting or funny piece of information came out of an event, record it.

She’s always asking you this really annoying question: “How do you feel about that?” You usually give the same old response: “I don’t know.” I know you’re telling the truth, but aren’t you tired of giving this lame response? Instead, be prepared. Beat her to the punch! Jot down the strong emotions you experience during the day—anger, frustration, joy, relief, hurt, fear, disappointment, peace—and share them with her.

Since I’m a man, I know what you think when you get stressed, and you don’t want to talk about it with your woman. Here is a list of classic male excuses for stuffing stress and worry, and my responses:

Me: Yeah, you can, but your woman needs to be on the team, and she wants to handle it together.

Me: She’s as tough as you are, and she’ll really be upset if you don’t tell her.

Me: It is a big deal because it’s part of your life. No one else cares, but she does.

Me: It will help! You can vent your stress, and she’ll feel closer to you.

For the first ten years of our marriage I did not share my stresses with Sandy. Without meaning to, I hurt her and myself and our relationship. When I began telling her what was bothering me, I washed the stress out of my system—and we reached a whole new level of closeness.

As you go through your day sometimes memories from your past surface. You might remember moments about your childhood, family and friends, school, jobs, trips, joyful times, traumatic events, or illnesses. Sometimes the memories will be from your relationship—the honeymoon, vacations, funny events, children, moves, challenges, crises, or old friends you hung out with.

These memories, both positive and negative, are a gold mine for emotional intimacy. Many deep, satisfying conversations are about the past. Record your memories and share them.

A typical man—me included—tends to think through a decision and come to a conclusion without ever talking about it with his woman. Bad idea for two reasons: (1) two heads are better than one when making a decision, and (2) you hurt her by cutting her out of the process. Tell her what you’re thinking, and get her feedback every step of the way.

Your relationship with the Lord is the most important and personal part of you. Let her in! Tell her what’s going on in your spiritual life, be it quiet times, insights from your Bible reading, ways you’re applying the Bible to your life, ways God is guiding and directing your life, spiritual victories, spiritual defeats, topics you’re praying about, your spiritual struggles, or your questions and doubts.

Every time you are in the house of God, you are impacted spiritually. God blesses you, communicates with you, changes you, and teaches you. How did the worship affect you? How did the sermon influence you? How did serving God at church change you? How did talking to and praying with others impact you? Share these experiences with her.

Everything you read (books, articles, online material, newspapers, and magazines) and everything you watch (movies, television, and online video clips) can lead to a great conversation with your woman. Record your insights and reactions, and tell her.

Dwell on her personality, especially her character traits—traits like patience, love, sense of humor, kindness, strong work ethic, honesty, or spirituality. When she displays one, record it. Then in a Couple Talk Time, praise her for that trait and describe a few other times she has exhibited it.

Think about all she does for you (not to mention the kids and others in your life), and tell her what you’ve noticed about these sacrificial acts of service.

Observe closely and at least once every two weeks tell her how you think she’s doing in her personal life. Is she happy, stressed, anxious, busy, fulfilled?

She’ll love hearing what you think about her—who she is as a person, what she does for you and others, and how she’s doing in her life.

Your woman spends a lot of time thinking about your relationship. So when you evaluate your relationship and share how you think it’s going, your thoughts will resonate with her. What are the strong areas, weak areas, things you need to improve, or things you’d like her to improve?

What Will Block Us?

• Which of these ten personal sharing categories will be easiest for you? Why?

• Which of the ten categories will be most difficult for you? Why?

• What will stop you from recording and sharing your personal thoughts and feelings in these ten categories?

• Ask your woman what she thinks will stop you.

Sit down with your woman—today or very soon—and schedule three thirty-minute Couple Talk Times over the next seven days. Note these ten personal sharing categories on your pad or electronic device. Every day record personal information in at least one of these areas. It’s OK to use one category more than once. Then share your recordings in all three of your Couple Talk Times.

How Did We Do?

• Tell your woman how you think you did with the “Let’s Practice” exercise. What did you do well? What do you need to improve?

• What was most difficult about this assignment?

• Get your woman’s honest assessment of how she thinks you did. What pleased her? What can you do better?

• Take what you shared this week and ask her how you can go deeper and be more revealing. What else does she want to know regarding how you think and feel about these items?

• Record what she wants, process it for a day or two, and get back to her with the results.