I LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC. There, I said it, and I’m not ashamed of it. It’s catchy, and it makes me happy. My favorite country music song of all time is the Alison Krauss version of “When You Say Nothing at All.” It’s a hauntingly beautiful song with a wonderful melody. I’m singing it right now as I write these words.
The song’s main chorus line is “You say it best when you say nothing at all.” And though I love the song, this line is probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Actually, you say nothing when you say nothing at all. That’s what nothing means.
Silence is not communication. You have to speak or your partner won’t know who you are, you won’t work through any issues, and you certainly won’t create any substantial, permanent intimacy.
I’m sure you’ve heard that 80 percent of communication is nonverbal. As far as building deep, lasting intimacy goes, this is the second dumbest thing I’ve heard. Baloney! Eighty percent of communication is verbal. I’m sorry, but you have to open your mouths to communicate on a deeper level. You can’t nonverbal your way through a conversation.
So with impeccable logic I have established that talking is vital to your communication as a couple. It’s my job to state the obvious.
But it’s not just talking that leads to intimate communication and emotional intimacy. It’s both of you being willing and able to talk about everything. No topic should be off limits. Genesis 2:24 describes marriage as the “one flesh” relationship. To be one flesh is to be in total and complete unity, literally being one in every area. You can’t be one flesh—not even close—without total and complete honesty on every possible topic.
It you’re not married, you are aspiring to be one flesh, and so the same principle applies. In fact, speaking honestly about all topics will give you the confidence and intimacy you need to seriously consider marriage.
HOW TO KILL A RELATIONSHIP
If there is even one topic in your relationship that you are not willing to discuss, that is what will kill your relationship. Stone-cold dead. Here are some examples from my clinical practice of what an undiscussed topic will do to a relationship.
“We didn’t talk about his anger”
He wasn’t physically violent, but he was verbally abusive to her. Often.
Woman: If I bring up his anger, he’ll have an angry outburst.
Me: I bet he will. So what? He has them anyway. The only way he’ll stop is by you making him talk about it and get help to fix it.
Result: She refused to bring up the issue. After ten years of tolerating his outbursts, she discovered her respect and love for him were gone. She divorced him.
“We didn’t talk about her spoiling our child”
She gave their child everything and asked for nothing in return. The child, not her husband, was her top priority.
Man: She’s very sensitive about her mothering. She had a harsh mother, so she goes overboard with her love. If I bring this up, she’ll feel rejected.
Me: You mean in the same way you feel rejected by her? If you don’t push her to address her own mom issues, your child and your marriage will be ruined.
Result: He chose not to talk to her about her growing-up years and her parenting of their child. They’re still married, but it’s a miserable and loveless marriage. And their child is an out-of-control mess.
“We didn’t talk about his flirting and porn”
For years he flirted with other women and watched pornography.
Woman: It’s just too awkward and painful to talk about what he’s doing. At least he’s not having an affair.
Me: If you don’t talk about it and demand changes, your life will get more awkward and painful. Flirting and porn are serious sins, and in God’s eyes he’s already committing adultery. [See Matthew 5:28.]
Result: She did not talk about his behavior. He eventually found another woman, had a full-blown adulterous affair, and left her for this other woman.
“We didn’t talk about her not meeting my needs”
For years he tried to be a good husband and followed the traditional Christian teachings: “Don’t share your complaints, keep on loving her, and eventually she’ll meet your needs.” It didn’t work because this approach never works. She figured he was happy because he didn’t tell her he was unhappy.
Man: I don’t want to make a federal case out of this. I’m worried that bringing it up will make the situation worse.
Me: It is a federal case! Some issues are federal cases! If you don’t make this a federal case and bring it up, things will get a lot worse.
Result: He decided to avoid the issue. He finally hit the wall, lost all love for her, and divorced her. She was shocked and was willing to change, but he could not have cared less.
“We didn’t talk about his lack of commitment”
They’d lived together for two years. She wanted to get married, but he didn’t and wouldn’t talk about it.
Woman: If I bring it up, I’ll lose him for sure. And I love him.
Me: You’ve already lost him. Unless he is forced to deal with his lack of commitment, he’ll never marry you. And if he won’t talk about it, he doesn’t love you.
Result: She kept bumping along for another year, hoping he’d commit. He never did, and she left him. By not bringing up the issue, she wasted another year of her life with a man who did not love her, and she suffered greatly in that year.
Whether to get married or not. Whether to have kids or not. Parenting. In-laws. Careers. Communication. The meeting of real needs. Sex. Money. Distribution of household chores. The location of your home. Addictions. Hurtful words and actions. Selfish behavior. Priorities. Feelings of loneliness in the relationship. Health. Hygiene. Lack of romance. Any pattern of behavior by your partner that has harmed you and the relationship. I could go on and on.
It is not these issues that kill your relationship. It is not talking about these issues that kills your relationship! If you don’t talk about important issues, there will be no solutions. No forgiveness. No healing. And before you know it, no relationship.
How Are We Doing?
• Are there important topics in your relationship you haven’t talked about? If yes (and if you said no, you are in denial), agree that it’s time to talk about them.
• How has not talking about these topics affected your relationship?
• Sir, what topics do you want to talk about? Why haven’t you pushed to talk about them?
• Ma’am, what topics do you want to talk about? Why haven’t you pushed to talk about them?
HERE’S WHAT WE CAN DO
Discussing difficult, sensitive topics is never easy. But it needs to be done, and it can be done. I have a five-step process that will help you talk through any topic in a healthy, effective way.
Step 1: Schedule the first meeting.
The partner who has an important topic to discuss goes to the other partner and schedules a time and place to start the process. Right up front, tell your partner the topic—no surprises—to allow him or her to get ready emotionally for the first meeting.
Use a neutral place in your home for these discussions. Don’t use your bedroom or the warm, fuzzy location where you have your usual Couple Talk Times. Use a spot you don’t care about, such as an office, a living room you rarely use, the kitchen table, or a back porch. If you’re not living together, use one of your homes or a private place in public, such as a park, one of your vehicles, or a quiet restaurant.
Before the first meeting, you both must agree on one central ground rule: you will deal with only one topic at a time. All five of these steps will be completely focused on only one topic. No couple can successfully talk through more than one important topic at the same time.
Step 2: Have your first meeting.
If you’re the partner who requested the meeting (the Speaker), you go first and make your presentation about the topic. This is a one-way conversation—a monologue. It is not a dialogue.
You share as completely as possible your thoughts, feelings, concerns, fears, questions, and any possible solutions.
If you are the “receiving” partner (the Listener), your job is to listen and reflect back what you hear. As your partner speaks, you work hard to communicate—through verbally feeding back key words and phrases and acknowledging what is being said—that you understand what your partner is saying and feeling. You may want to take notes as your partner is talking. Taking notes shows you care about your partner’s point of view and want to answer all questions that are asked of you.
Step 3: Process your partner’s position.
The listening partner takes a few hours, or maybe a few days, to process what the other partner expressed. You think about what was said, pray about it—that you will understand and have the right attitude—and prepare your response. Taking this time (which should not exceed three days) allows you to seriously consider your partner’s position and invite God to provide guidance.
When you’re ready, you go to your partner and schedule a second meeting.
Step 4: Have a second meeting.
Here you follow the same procedure as in the first meeting: one speaks and one listens. But now the roles are reversed as the Listener becomes the Speaker and fully expresses his or her thoughts, feelings, position, and possible solutions.
If you’re the new Listener, you do your best to communicate—again through reflecting—your understanding of your partner’s viewpoint and emotions on the topic. Go ahead and take notes so you don’t miss the key parts of your partner’s message.
Again, as the Listener you don’t give your response. You just listen and understand.
At the end of the meeting, if you both feel ready to do so, schedule your next meeting, which will focus on solutions. This meeting could happen immediately, several hours later, or later in the week.
Step 5: Have a final “solutions” meeting.
At this point in the process both partners have fully expressed their positions, emotions, needs, desires, and potential solutions connected to the topic. Just as important, both feel heard and understood.
In this solutions meeting you are now ready and able to engage in dialogue. While there is still one Speaker and one Listener, reactions and opinions are shared more rapidly. Once the Listener has reflected back what has been said, he or she may respond immediately.
At the beginning of this solutions meeting you may want to share additional information and emotions if needed. Sometimes you will need to vent your emotions more or further clarify your position. Get this additional expression out, ensure that understanding is taking place, and move into solution mode.
Take turns proposing ways to solve the problem. Brainstorm together. Look for compromises. For some issues one solutions meeting may be enough. For more difficult issues you will need several meetings.
What Will Block Us?
• What will stop you from talking about difficult, awkward topics?
• What do you fear will happen if you do address these topics?
• Is there a deep, personal reason you’re not ready—or able—to discuss a certain topic? What is the topic, and what is your reason for not being ready?
• If you’re not ready, are you willing to enter individual or couples counseling—as soon as you have completed this book—to get past your personal obstacles to dealing with the topic?
LET’S PRACTICE
Go through my five-step process twice with two different topics. Take one topic at a time. The first topic will be one the woman selects. Why? Because as the servant leader (see John 13:3–5), the man should aim to meet his woman’s needs. After talking though the woman’s topic, the man will select his own topic, and the two of you will repeat the process.
If the topics you choose are complicated and extremely sensitive, you will need more than a few days to get through the process and reach effective solutions. For deeper wounds you’ve suffered from your partner, you’ll need a month or more to complete this process. But at least you will have started the process and made some progress.
If necessary, take a break from the book to thoroughly talk through these tougher topics. Or put these topics on hold, complete the rest of the book, and then return to these topics and work through them to a conclusion.
How Did We Do?
• What was most difficult for you in the five-step process?
• Do you feel you made significant progress with the topics you chose to talk about?
• At what point did you get bogged down and struggle? Why did you struggle?
• Are you both willing to commit—right now—to keep on talking about these topics until you reach a satisfactory conclusion?
• Are you willing to commit—right now—to always talk through any topic your partner wants you to address?
• Have you not forgiven your partner for a hurtful action or hurtful pattern of behavior? Will you both agree to address this wound using the five-step process?
• Are you willing to commit—right now—to always talk through any topic your partner wants you to address?