Honey, We Need to Talk

DID YOU EVER have a car you hated? I mean really, truly hated? Well, I did. My old four-door Saturn was the object of my loathing. That car—and I use the word loosely—was the bane of my existence.

I bought the Saturn for my two younger daughters, Leeann and Nancy. They needed a rattletrap to practice their driving. It was a safe car, but it was ugly and old and nobody cared if it was damaged in an accident.

Through a series of strange circumstances I ended up with the Saturn! It wasn’t supposed to be my car. It was a car for two teenaged girls learning to drive. I already knew how to drive. It wasn’t a car for a grown man with some self-respect and a fairly successful career. No!

For four years I drove the Saturn. Or rather, it drove me . . . nuts! It was old (did I mention that already?), it had rust stains and a variety of dents, it had worn and stained seats, the ceiling insulation hung down in poofy sheets, and the engine ran like a tank. (I’ve actually driven a tank, so I know how one drives.)

The engine ran incredibly rough—coughing and sputtering and wheezing—and the horrible sound it made was so loud I had to crank up the radio to ninety decibels. Of course—and this will shock you—the radio got three stations and they were filled with static.

Finally, one day my desperate prayers were answered when some guy rear-ended me. Sure, I got whiplash, but the Saturn was totaled by the insurance company. I still send the guy who hit me a Christmas card every year.

That car was worth about four dollars, but I got a check for about two thousand dollars. I felt I’d robbed a bank and gotten away with it.

It was time for a new car, so I went to see my son-in-law Chaz Weissing. He was a car salesman, and he owed me because I let him date Emily. After showing me a couple of sad, dingy cars (a classic technique), Chaz walked me over to the car of my dreams: a beautiful, sleek—well, sleek compared to the Saturn—champagne-colored 2004 Toyota Camry. It took my breath away. (It doesn’t take too much to take my breath away.) It sported a pristine body, a nice interior, electric windows and doors, and cruise control. But best of all it featured a smooth ride and an engine that purred like a Persian cat. It was quiet and I could hear the radio—which got many stations.

The difference between the two cars was astounding. Dramatic. And delightful. I couldn’t believe how happy and energized I felt driving my new—well, actually used—Camry. Compared to the old Saturn, the Camry made me feel like I was driving a Rolls-Royce. When I left for work in the morning, I’d tell Sandy, “I’m going to work now in my new car.”

If you’re not bonding spiritually as a couple, what you have is the relationship equivalent of my old Saturn. Even if your relationship is very good and you’re happy together, it is nothing compared to what it could be with spiritual bonding.

I’m offering you—really, God is offering you—the Rolls-Royce of relationships. God wants you to experience the ultimate in intimacy, and for that to happen, you need to make Him the most important Person in your relationship.

You’re thinking, OK, I’ll bite. I want the best relationship possible. What is spiritual bonding? Here’s my definition:

Spiritual bonding is consistently placing God at the very center of your relationship and growing ever closer to Him as a couple.

This kind of bonding involves tapping the unlimited power of God and putting it to work in your relationship. When you are in a spiritual bond, you are no longer loving your partner in your own power. You now have God’s power to love.

If you base your relationship on physical intimacy, it will last six months to two years. That’s it. Sexual attraction alone, as important as it is, is not enough to sustain a relationship. Two years into our marriage, Sandy and I lost a big part of our initial physical passion. Frankly, I blame the children.

If you base your relationship on emotional intimacy, it will last four to seven years. Even if you work hard at communication, sharing openly and honestly, your emotional connection will weaken and eventually disappear. Seven years into our marriage, Sandy and I lost our emotional passion. Frankly, I blame the children. (Do you see a pattern here?)

The truth is it wasn’t our four kids who killed our physical and emotional intimacy. These areas of intimacy died of natural causes. It would have happened without kids. Physical and emotional intimacy were not designed by God to last. They get us together in a relationship, but alone they do not carry us forty or fifty years down the road.

So what form of intimacy will carry you forty or fifty or sixty years? Spiritual intimacy—between the two of you and God. If you base your relationship on spiritual intimacy, it will last a lifetime. It will last as long as you both live.

About twelve years into our marriage Sandy and I realized we’d lost the physical and emotional spark. That was not acceptable to us. We didn’t get married to have an “OK” marriage.

We admitted to each other that our lack of intimacy was not due to the children. It was not due to my demanding career or the busyness of our lives. It was because we had no spiritual intimacy.

We were both Christians, we attended church every week, and we had our individual quiet times with God. But since we were not sharing our spiritual lives with each other, our “Christian” marriage was not intimate. We were drifting apart.

It dawned on us that God was the answer to our intimacy problems. Why? Because God is the answer to all the problems we face in life and in relationships. The Bible says “God is love” (1 John 4:16). God is the only source of love, including the love between a man and a woman.

When my wife and I began to bond spiritually, practicing the two actions I will describe in this chapter, we got our intimacy back. First, we developed spiritual intimacy, which is the best and deepest love possible. But it didn’t end there! God took our spiritual intimacy and used it to energize our physical and emotional intimacy.

For the past twenty years we have experienced ongoing and deepening levels of all three kinds of intimacy: spiritual, physical, and emotional. If you and your partner will bond spiritually, you will come to enjoy great intimacy in these three areas as well.

Before you read further, one brief message. If one of you is not a Christian, go ahead and work through this chapter together. These spiritual bonding actions can move the non-Christian partner closer to making a decision to trust Jesus and begin a relationship with Him.

How Are We Doing?

• How many couples do you know who have lost their physical and emotional intimacy and split up?

• Have you lost your physical intimacy?

• Have you lost your emotional intimacy?

• How important is God in your relationship? Is He at the center?

• Do the two of you talk about your individual spiritual lives on a regular basis?

• Do you pray together on a regular basis?

Remember the thirty-minute Couple Talk Times I described in chapter 1? (By the way, I hope you continue to have these Talk Times throughout your relationship.) There are two spiritual bonding actions I want you to do during each Couple Talk Time. These actions will connect you spiritually and give you a deep, permanent intimacy.

Take five minutes of each Couple Talk Time to tell your partner how you’re doing in your relationship with Jesus. Share in detail what’s happening in your spiritual life.

Don’t be general. That’s a waste of time. Be honest and be specific. Sometimes you’ll talk about the exciting, positive things God is doing in your life and how close you are to Him. Sometimes you’ll talk about how you are struggling with God and feel distant from Him.

Remember the spiritual coaching I mentioned in the previous chapter? This is that spiritual coaching in action.

You are encouraging and supporting each other in the most important area of life. On your own you cannot experience significant spiritual growth. Real, deep spiritual growth always occurs in the context of relationship.

If you are not a Christian yet, you can still talk to your partner about how God is working in your life. He is doing things to bless you, to show Himself to you, and to get your attention and motivate you to begin a relationship with Him.

I think you can see that this kind of spiritual talk is very personal and intimate and requires courage. It is more intimate than sex. It will create a strong spiritual bond. It will also create a strong emotional bond through the interesting, stimulating, and revealing conversations it creates for the two of you. And your spiritual and emotional intimacy will lead to better-than-ever physical intimacy.

Take another five minutes of each Couple Talk Time to pray. List your prayer requests and your reasons to thank God—you can jot them down on the pad if you want—and decide which ones you each will lift up to God in prayer. Then hold hands and pray out loud, one at a time.

At first you’ll pray for safe topics: your children, your family, health concerns, careers, your church, and people you know. As you go along, you’ll start sharing about and praying for more personal, intimate issues, such as your worries, your fears, your dreams, your spiritual weaknesses, God’s guidance in your life, and protection from Satan’s attacks.

You’ll never have a bad prayer time. You’ll never say, “Boy, that was lousy. I wish we hadn’t prayed.” That’s impossible. It will always be a sweet, precious, and powerful time of intimacy—with God and with each other. Honest praying is literally miraculous in drawing you closer to each other and helping you understand each other better.

God blesses you for praying together, and—here’s the best part—He will answer your prayers!

Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by My Father who is in heaven. For where two or three are assembled in My name, there I am in their midst.

—MATTHEW 18:19–20, MEV

Sandy and I have had many of our joint prayers answered. Hundreds of couples I have worked with have prayed and seen answers. When God says He will answer the prayers of two gathered together, that’s exactly what He will do!

One final note: it’s common for one partner to feel awkward about praying out loud. No problem. It’s OK for this partner to pray silently for two weeks. If you are the uneasy one, when you’re done praying silently, just squeeze your partner’s hand so he or she knows you’re done. After a few weeks, you likely will feel comfortable enough to pray out loud.

What Will Block Us?

• What are your main concerns about sharing your personal spiritual life with your partner?

• What are your main concerns about praying together?

• Did your parents pray together as a couple?

• Have you ever prayed—on a regular, intentional basis—with a member of the opposite sex?

• What do you think will happen when you do share your spiritual life and pray with your partner?

In your three thirty-minute Couple Talk Times this week, share what you have learned in your individual spiritual lives this week for five minutes, and pray for five minutes. As I mentioned in chapter 1, the man is responsible for scheduling these talk times and making sure they happen. Additionally, in this week’s practice I want the man to share his spiritual experiences and thoughts first and to pray first.

Expect these two actions to be awkward and difficult at first. I am asking you to go way outside your comfort zones. But I am also offering you a gold mine of intimacy—a degree of intimacy few couples experience. It’s worth it. Go for it.

How Did We Do?

• How tough was it to implement these two actions—to share your spiritual lives and to pray together?

• What did you find most difficult about these actions?

• Which partner struggled more, and why?

• What was the result of your doing these two actions together? How did you feel afterward? Did you feel closer to your partner? Did you feel closer to God?

• Are you both willing to continue sharing your individual spiritual lives and praying together?