Honey, We Need to Talk

YOU SURVIVED THE last two chapters—well done! You deserve a reward. (Well, in addition to the benefits you’re already receiving from doing the hard work included in those chapters).

Emily, Leeann, and Nancy are our three wonderful daughters. All three are married: Emily to Chaz, Leeann to Andrew, and Nancy to Phil. All three husbands are outstanding young men.

No father thinks any guy is worthy of his daughters, but these men passed my rigorous inspection with flying colors. Plus my daughters fell madly in love with them, so what was I going to do?

Sandy and I watched with great interest and, frankly, entertainment as these suitors courted our daughters. Each of them mounted an impressive campaign of romantic pursuit. When one of them would take some amazing action to show his love, Sandy would say, “He’s good. He’s very, very good.”

Here’s a snapshot of some of the positive, caring, romantic, pre-engagement behaviors of these three knights in shining armor.

Once they were a couple, Chaz gave Emily a special gift on their one-month anniversary: flowers, a card, and chocolates. He continued to demonstrate his affection this way every month for months. I mean, who does that? A man in love.

Emily likes plays, so Chaz took her to plays. Trust me, he’s not a play-going man. But they went to a number of plays at community playhouses. Emily was happy, and that’s all that mattered to Chaz.

Emily loves sappy, tear-jerking movies. Chaz, being a normal man, doesn’t. But for Emily he sat through many chick movies, including A Walk to Remember, which is perhaps the most depressing movie ever made—a teenage girl is dying of cancer, and she and her boyfriend go through the hideous, drawn-out ordeal together. Chaz sat and suffered through it. That’s an act of true love and devotion.

Andrew helped Leeann when her old car broke down several times. She called her car the Bullet because it was red and sporty. It should have been called the Dud the last few years she had it. It was literally falling apart. It should have been pushed over a cliff, but we don’t have any cliffs in Florida. When it would break down, she’d call Andrew, and he’d come running to help her. He can fix anything, so he’d fix it. I joked to him that Leeann was using her crummy car to test his love. He passed.

Andrew drove an hour one way every Sunday to attend Leeann’s church. She loved her church and her pastor, and she had many friends there. Andrew went to the church to please Leeann—and believe me, she was pleased.

For several months during their dating days, Leeann had trouble sleeping. She’d wake up in the middle of the night feeling anxious and stressed. Andrew told her, “Call me every time you can’t sleep. I don’t care what time it is. We’ll talk it out.” Leeann called him many times, and he was patient and kind. On those nights there were two persons who couldn’t sleep. But Andrew didn’t care because his sweetheart needed him.

Our third daughter, Nancy, is an excellent tennis player. She played on her high school team. Phil didn’t play tennis. Phil didn’t even own a tennis racquet. But when Nancy asked him to play tennis, he said yes. He talked some smack before their first game, but he was wiped off the court by his feisty, tennis-playing girlfriend. Phil took it like a man. He didn’t love tennis. He loved Nancy.

Nancy was into swing dancing, which, of course, is every man’s dream activity. Well, I’m sure there are men who love it. But Phil isn’t one of them. Phil is a terrific musician and worship leader, but he is not a dancer. Even so, did he go swing dancing with Nancy? Sure he did. Love means you do things your partner wants to do.

Phil wrote Nancy an original song and sang it to her while playing his guitar. That was a mind-blower! Talk about world-class romantic pursuit. When I heard about the performance, I said to Sandy, “You just have to marry a guy like that. If she doesn’t marry him, I will.”

As you can see, there was a tremendous amount of positivity in these three courting couples. Not an ounce of negativity. And the positive flow went both ways. The girls did many positive, loving things for their guys too.

Just about every couple experiences extreme positivity during the courtship phase. If that positivity isn’t there, something is seriously wrong, and you ought to break up and move on. When you’re falling in love, everything’s great. Everything’s wonderful. It should be!

Unfortunately your 24/7 positivity doesn’t last. When your marriage is about a year and a half old—really, when you start living together—the negatives begin.

Annoying habits (not yours, of course!). Male-female differences. In-law issues (not your parents, of course!). Spending habits. Communication problems. Needs not being met. The hectic pace of life. Jobs. The many compromises you have to make in many areas. Different sleep-wake cycles. Distribution of household chores. Does this sound familiar?

And then you go and have a baby! What were you thinking? Now your precious child takes over your lives, and the stress level in all of the above areas goes way up. Your child is not a negative, of course, but his or her presence certainly makes your relationship more difficult. You still love each other. No one’s talking about breaking up. But the negatives are starting to outnumber the positives.

If that trend continues, your relationship is in trouble. Real trouble. Pretty soon all you’ll have is negatives, and you’ll be allowing your relationship to die.

In a love relationship the positives must always outweigh the negatives. Always. And the ratio shouldn’t even be close. Maintaining a high number of positives keeps you in love and allows you to deal successfully with the inevitable negatives.

I want you to understand something important. When you’re in the infatuation/courtship phase, your passionate feelings of love drive your positive behaviors. Because you’re madly in love, you do positive and caring things for your partner. Feelings come first, and behavior follows.

Once the infatuation phase is over and the negatives begin to creep in, you’re in a whole different ball game. From now on behavior will come first, and feelings will follow. You will have to carry out positive and loving actions in order to generate in-love, passionate feelings. In other words, do first, and the feelings will follow. Don’t wait for the feelings to show up before acting.

That’s my job in this chapter: to help you to get back on track, and stay on track, in the “positives drive feelings” department. When you keep your positives high, you keep your feelings of love and passion high.

The great news is the small loving actions are what make the difference. Big, expensive, romantic events are wonderful, but they’re too infrequent to generate lasting love. The beach vacations, the cruises, and the concerts will not keep your love hot, exciting, and expanding. The daily and weekly positive behaviors will.

How Are We Doing?

• Look back at your dating days or the first year or so of your relationship. How did you feel about each other? How powerful and vibrant was your love?

• During this pre-living-together phase, what positive things did you do for each other?

• What negatives began to pop up in your relationship? (Review the list of negatives included earlier in this chapter if that helps jog your memory.)

• What are the main negatives right now in your relationship? How are these negatives affecting your love for your partner?

• What positive behaviors have you reduced in number or dropped entirely?

Here are three small, simple behaviors that will inject a regular flow of positivity into your relationship.

In my professional and personal opinion kissing is a big deal in the life of a couple. Every kiss is an intense, intimate, romantic event. Or at least it should be. As the kisser you want your every kiss to communicate your love and passion for the kissee: “I deeply love you. I want you. I need you. I’m crazy about you.”

Most couples, however, lose the ability to kiss in this “vava-voom, oh baby” way after they’ve been married a while. As their powerful feelings of love fade, so does their kissing.

They give little pecks: two dried-out, closed sets of lips touching for a millisecond. Really? This is kissing? Or they make the sound of kissing without really kissing; standing only ten feet apart, each partner makes a smooching sound. Really? Or they do the dreaded cheek kiss—a gentle whisper of a kiss a good two inches from where the real kiss is supposed to land. Really?

If you’re kissing your mother, your aunt, an old lady at church, or a close friend, these “kisses” are fine. But they are not fine with your sweetheart! They are insulting and wrong and anemic and a clear indication that your passion has pooped out.

You know how to kiss each other. You used to do it all the time when you were first married. It’s time to crank up the real kissing: open-mouthed, long, lingering, heartfelt smackers! Hold each kiss for ten seconds, and saliva—the golden nectar of great kisses—will be generated. Once you have saliva, you can start sliding your lips around and . . . well, you know what I mean.

Each kiss should also include sensual body contact—arms around each other, hands on your spouse’s face, and a full-body hug. Now, that’s a kiss!

And one more thing. Will one kiss like this be enough? If you said no, give yourself a prize. Of course one great kiss isn’t enough! Two or three great kisses create real feelings of love and passion.

Kiss like this when you part in the morning. Do it again when you come back together in the evening. Kiss every single time one of you leaves the house for whatever reason. Kiss passionately after your Couple Talk Times. Kiss like you mean it after watching a favorite television show or movie. Kiss in this way before going to sleep at night.

Go out regularly on fun, playful dates. I strongly recommend once a week. No kids; they’re driving you crazy, and you have to get away from them. No pets. No family. Just the two of you.

Don’t do the same old boring routine of dinner and a movie. Be creative! Doing activities you did back when you were first dating will bring back great, happy memories and romantic feelings.

Also try new, out-of-the-box ideas. You don’t have to spend a lot of money; the best dates are cheap. To keep your dates fresh and to make sure both your needs are met, take turns planning your dates. This week the man gets to plan the date. Next week the woman gets to take a turn.

The list of possible activities is almost endless. Look for activities that allow you to interact and communicate. Again, what you do isn’t as important as being together and having fun. Remember, you’re going out to play!

Romantic pursuit is doing what your partner enjoys doing. It’s not about you; it’s about your partner and making him or her happy. Chaz, Andrew, and Phil made our girls happy by doing things they knew the girls would enjoy. The girls then turned around and made the guys happy by doing what the guys wanted to do. That’s how pursuit works!

Find out—by observing and asking—what your partner likes to do. Then follow through and do that activity. It’s that simple. At least once a week have some togetherness time doing an activity your partner enjoys.

My Sandy loves watching remodeling shows on television. It’s true—somebody created an entire channel of these shows. If I could find him, I’d give him a beating. Or I’d demolish his home and say, “It’s time to remodel, don’t you think?”

I hate those shows. I’m not handy. I like my home just the way it is. And I’m super cheap and don’t want to spend huge amounts of money.

To pursue my wife though, I watch at least one of these shows each week with her. I sit there, try not to make any snarky comments (that’s tough!), and listen to Sandy comment on all the remodeling and what she’d like to do to an already perfect home. If that isn’t loving pursuit, I don’t know what is.

Alternatively, Sandy pursues me by touching me. I love to be touched by my bride, and I’m not talking about sex. Don’t get me wrong—I want sex too. But I’m talking about nonsexual, affectionate touching, such as a scalp massage, foot massage, or neck message.

In fact, I’m getting excited just writing this. When Sandy gives me a fifteen-minute scalp, foot, or neck massage, I feel loved. I feel happy. I feel close to her. (The experience is even better if I don’t have to beg for it.)

Now I’ve gotten the impression that Sandy isn’t wild about giving me these massages. It’s not her thing. I don’t know why—after all, it’s a privilege to touch my body! But she does it to pursue me and to make me feel happy and loved.

There is no true romance without pursuit. It takes effort. It pushes you outside your comfort zone. But when you pursue your partner, you create fun, romance, passion, and a deeper love for each other.

What Will Block Us?

• Talk about the state of your kissing and how you both feel about it. How often do you kiss passionately? What will be difficult about giving real kisses every day?

• Do you have excuses for not going out on a date every week? Talk about this. Is it money, time, difficulty finding a babysitter, an inability to think of fun things to do? Or is it that you feel awkward being together, have lost the joy you once knew in being together, or maybe are out of practice?

• Why don’t you do activities that you know your partner would enjoy? Is it selfishness? Is it payback for your partner hurting you in some way? Is it happening because you have begun to live separate lives and to focus on your own activities?

And here’s a quick message for those of you whose relationship is in bad shape: for you these positive behaviors will be very difficult to carry out; the good feelings aren’t there. But I want you to force yourselves to do them. Do it for God and for your spouse. It will take time, but eventually these positive actions will create loving feelings.

How Did We Do?

• What was the best part for you this week? Was it the kissing, the date, or the pursuit activities?

• Tell your partner how these positive behaviors affected your feelings of love and passion.

• What was the most difficult positive action for you to do? Why?

• Are you willing to commit to continuing these three positive behaviors in your relationship? What could potentially stop you from doing them?