Honey, We Need to Talk

THE FIRST WORDS I say at my emotional health seminars are designed to send a jolt through my audience. I want those listening to feel nervous. I want them to sweat. I want them to fight the urge to cry out for their mamas.

I’m going to begin with a brief demonstration. I’m a highly trained professional psychologist. I’m trained to identify and treat emotional problems. In fact, I am so well trained, I can actually tell if a person has an emotional problem just by looking at him or her. I will now point out those of you who have emotional problems.

At this point I leave the platform and walk right into the audience. I stroll slowly down the center aisle, scanning the crowd carefully. There’s a lot of nervous laughter, and the intensity in the room can be cut with a knife. Suddenly every single person has a serious case of ants in the pants. There’s more fidgeting going on than you’d find in a kindergarten class. Bottoms are squirming, eyes are darting, and lips are being licked.

I know I shouldn’t have worn this purple lipstick; he’ll think I’m nuts for sure.

The fear and nail-biting anxiety evaporate. All the tension washes out of the room with a beautiful whoosh. With three simple words—“You all do”—I have connected with my audience. I have communicated what they’ve desperately needed to hear: We’re all in this together.

The only person who ever lived on earth who did not have an emotional problem is Jesus Christ. He suffered terrible pain and experienced sadness and anxiety, but He never developed an emotional problem. He was—and is—the healthiest person in the history of the world.

An area of weakness and potential serious sin that if not controlled, will destroy you and all your close relationships.

Sex: pornography, physical or emotional adultery, lack of interest in sex, inordinate or unfair demanding of sex

Overattachment to pets: putting them before your partner and other close relationships

Untreated depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or bipolar disorder

Your weakness is on this list, isn’t it? Or maybe it isn’t since this isn’t an exhaustive list by any means. But be honest and admit that you have an emotional problem. You have one. I have one. (Actually, I have more than one!) We all have one. And if it’s not controlled, it can lead to serious sin.

Let me get personal because I’m not going to ask you to do something that I’m not willing to do. My main emotional problem is work. “Hi. My name is Dave, and I’m a workaholic.”

I love to do therapy in my office. I love giving telephone and e-mail advice. I love presenting my seminars. I love writing books. I love doing media interviews to promote my various ministries, and I love offering help to people.

I love my work too much. It has done damage to my relationships with Sandy, my kids, my family, my friends, and God. My workaholism was particularly out of control when the kids were small and I was building my practice.

With Sandy’s help I learned to control my work and keep my schedule balanced. It wasn’t easy. It still isn’t easy. Sandy and I work as a team to help me avoid sinning in my work life. A great bonus is that working together (since my secretary of twenty-five years retired) has produced a wonderful intimacy.

Your emotional problem may be a sin: an addiction, outbursts of anger, selfishness, and so on. Or your emotional problem may not be a sin—yet. If you don’t heal and get into solid recovery, your emotional problem will certainly lead to sinful behavior. If I work hard but prioritize my wife and kids, I do not sin. But if I overwork and neglect my wife and kids, I sin.

If you were abused in the past, you did not sin. Your abuser sinned. But if you don’t heal from the abuse and forgive your abuser, then your unresolved pain from the abuse will lead to sinful behavior: a need to control others, mistrust of your spouse, chronic jealousy, depression that keeps you from intimacy, and so on. Deal with the emotional problems now so they don’t lead to sin in the future.

How Are We Doing?

• Identify the emotional problem of each person in your family (grandparents, parents, stepparents, siblings).

• What did each family member do to control his or her emotional problem? What damage did you see these emotional problems cause?

• Think of friends and coworkers, and discuss with your partner the damage their emotional problems have caused in their lives.

• Tell your partner what your emotional problem is—the area in which you are tempted to sin. For now just mention it. We’ll go into more detail about what to do next in the next few pages.

It’s something that 99 percent of couples do not do. It’s something the Christian community doesn’t talk about. It’s also something that will protect you from serious relationship sin and give you a deep level of intimacy.

What I want you to cultivate—and what I’m convinced God wants you to have—is a wide-open, vulnerable relationship. A relationship characterized by complete and total honesty about your individual areas of weakness.

That’s right. I’m urging you to reveal to each other the sinful behaviors that Satan is most likely to tempt you to do. It’s time to talk about your sins, whether they are still in the potential stage or in full-on destructive mode.

In many cases your sin is obvious, and your partner knows exactly what you’re doing. Whether your sin is out in the open or hidden, sit down with your partner and disclose everything you know about your damaging behavior. When it started. Why you think it started. The unresolved past pain that may be the source of your sin. What specific acts you have done or thought of doing up to now in your area of sin. Give the details.

Identify the current triggers that set you on the path to committing your sin. Talk about the ways Satan goes about tempting you to sin. Discuss the rationalizations you use to excuse and justify your sin. Go over why you continue to sin or think of sinning in this area. What does it do for you? What are the payoffs? What needs are you trying to meet in your life by committing your sin?

Talk about your guilt and shame. Admit that you’re wrong and you’re sincerely sorry for your sin and the pain it has caused your partner and your family, as well as the pain and grief and dishonor it has brought to God. Describe the damage your sin has done to you, your relationship with God, and your relationship with your partner.

Allow—even invite—your partner to vent his or her feelings about your sin and its impact on your relationship. Allow your partner to ask as many questions as necessary to form a complete picture of your sinful behavior. Healing and the beginning of trust will come through the many private conversations you have about your sin.

Ask for your partner’s ongoing help in dealing with your sinful behavior pattern.

Commit to telling your partner anytime you are seriously tempted to sin in your area of weakness. Commit to telling your partner whenever you are beginning the rationalization process on your way to committing this sin. You know when you’re in real trouble and when you are close to sinning.

Agree with your partner that at the point of heavy-duty temptation or rationalization, you will call him or her before you act on your desire to sin. If necessary you will wake your partner out of a sound sleep. You will share the struggle you are having with your temptation.

In response your partner will agree to speak the truth in a loving way. Your partner will support you and give you added strength to gain the victory over your temptation. Agree with your partner that the two of you will pray together when tempted and ask for God’s help that He has promised in 1 Corinthians 10:13 and 2 Peter 2:9. It will be the two of you and God against Satan (Eccles. 4:9–12; Matt. 18:19–20).

I’m not suggesting you reveal to your partner every temptation or sinful thought that comes into your mind.

That would drive both of you crazy. But when you are really struggling with recurrent, potentially harmful thoughts and you are in real danger of acting out those thoughts, you need to tell your partner what’s happening.

Keep in mind, not just one of you is going to be totally honest about your areas of sin. Both of you are because both you have an area of potential serious sin. The literally almost continuous battle between us and sin exists in us all (Gal. 5:17–18.) That’s why you support each other. That’s why you pray for each other. With a loving spirit you hold each other accountable.

You may need another accountability partner, such as a friend of the same sex. You may need a Christian therapist. You may need a Christ-centered addiction recovery group, such as Celebrate Recovery. But your most important teammate and accountability coach in your ongoing battle with your sinful behavior pattern is always going to be your partner.

Now let’s pause a moment to check in. Are you freaking out yet? Are you feeling massive anxiety? Are you thinking, What are you, nuts? I can’t tell my partner the details of my sinful behavior and give an update every time I’m in serious temptation mode. That’s way too personal! It’s also risky. The truth will hurt my partner terribly and may even lead to a separation or even divorce. Our relationship will never be the same. I’ll just handle it myself.

If you’re thinking this way, join the club. Every couple to whom I’ve recommended this wide-open, vulnerable relationship plan has voiced these same protests.

First, if you don’t enlist your partner in battling your temptation to sin, you’ll continue to sin. You cannot handle serious sin on your own. Your sin will end up handling you. Your sin will severely damage your relationship to the point of ending the relationship. The divorce rate among Christian couples—those who say they know Jesus personally—is about 50 percent. This rate is the same as among non-Christian couples. Isn’t it time for a different approach?

Second, even if your partner never discovers your sin—which is unlikely—the cover-up and secrets will separate you from each other. Your sins will always be a black hole between you. Secrets separate. Truth connects.

Third, when your sins are on the table and you’re working as a sin-defeating team, you will create an amazing intimacy. Talking about your feelings of temptation to sin and about sins you are committing or have committed is incredibly personal and connects couples on a deep level. If you can talk about your temptations and sins, you can talk about anything. And you will! Your openness about your sinful patterns will spread to every other area of your lives. Your communication will reach levels you never dreamed possible.

I know it takes guts—real guts—to do what I’m asking you to do in this chapter. I hope and pray you do it because the benefits to both of you personally and to your relationship are enormous.

If you don’t feel ready to share this deeply and honestly, do three things: (1) Pray about it. (2) Seriously evaluate your feelings toward your partner: Do you love him or her enough to be this honest? (3) Move through the rest of the chapters of this book and then come back to this one, ready to get honest.

What Will Block Us?

• What is your reaction to the wide-open, vulnerable relationship I am proposing?

• What are you afraid will happen if you’re totally honest about your area of weakness and sin?

• Have you ever revealed the truth about a sinful habit to someone? If so, how did it go? Did the person handle your truth well, or did you get burned? Explain.

• A deep level of honesty requires a deep level of commitment. Are you committed to each other enough to share honestly?

I hope you have already revealed your area of weakness and sin to your partner. Now in a series of conversations this week I want the two of you to go deeper:

Describe in detail your sinful, damaging behavior—how and when it started, why you think it started, and what you’ve done up until now to sin in this area.

Identify the triggers that cause you to sin, the ways Satan tempts you, your rationalizations, and the payoffs for you of your behavior.

If your area of weakness has not yet caused damage, talk about the damage it could cause.

If your sin has already caused damage, describe that damage and ask your partner to describe the damage he or she has felt.

Invite your partner to vent any and all feelings about your sin and its impact on the relationship. Allow your partner to ask all the questions necessary about your sin. If a lot of damage has been done, be willing to spend weeks, even months, having these venting/ questioning conversations.

Agree to team up with your partner in battling your sinful behavior pattern. Commit to telling your partner when you are seriously tempted to sin in your area of weakness.

Give your partner permission to call you on your area of weakness when he or she sees the danger signs. Also allow your partner to ask you at any time how you’re dealing with your weakness.

To be clear, I want both of you to follow these steps. Once one partner has completed these steps, the other partner will follow them.

How Did We Do?

• What was the most difficult, painful step in this process?

• How do you feel now after telling the truth?

• Are you both willing to continue being honest about your areas of weakness and sin? Do you believe it’s worth the pain and the risk?

• If you need extra help to get into recovery from your sinful pattern of behavior, are you willing—this week—to make an appointment with a Christian therapist? Are you also willing to get a same-sex accountability partner and attend a Christ-centered recovery group?