Honey, We Need to Talk

ITAUGHT FOUR TEENAGERS how to drive a car. Do you know the kind of courage that requires? Running into a burning building, rescuing a swimmer from a riptide, or staring down a group of Hell’s Angels bikers—none of these exploits demands the raw, gutsy courage necessary for getting into a car with a teenager at the wheel.

Though I taught all four of my kids to drive, I’m going to focus on William. He’s our only son and the baby of the family.

Being a boy and being William, he had supreme confidence in his ability to drive a car. This confidence had absolutely no basis in reality since he’d never driven a car in his life!

After a few laps around our neighborhood I let William drive in actual city traffic. I will never forget those first five or six trips. I’ve tried—with extensive therapy and heavy medication—to forget them, without success.

I tried to project a calm demeanor, but terror lurked within. I realized I was sitting in the “death seat,” and my life was in the hands of a fifteen-year-old boy who had no idea what he was doing.

I developed TMJ from constantly clenching my jaw. I got carpal tunnel syndrome from repeatedly grabbing my seat and the dashboard. And of course I got whiplash from the abrupt stops and starts.

William didn’t take instruction well. In response to my warnings and teaching comments, he’d say things like, “How dare you criticize my driving? I’m an excellent driver. I’m a better driver than you.”

My response was, “Really? I’ve been driving for thirty-five years. You’ve been driving”—I looked at my watch for emphasis—“about twenty minutes. How can I not know more about driving than you?”

William had a bad habit of driving too close to the right side of the road. I’d be sitting there watching mailboxes whiz by just an inch from our car. When I pointed out how close we were to them, William retorted, “Would you rather I hit the mailboxes or the oncoming traffic?”

I responded, “Well, if those are my only two choices, I choose the mailboxes. But can we miss both the mailboxes and the oncoming traffic? Is that possible?”

All I can say is that it was a good thing I wore adult diapers when in the car with William.

I’m happy to report that William is now an excellent driver. And I’ve recovered from my nervous breakdown. I’m out of the mental ward and back to a fairly normal life.

My point with this story is that teaching a teenager to drive is a metaphor for the parenting process:

It is costly. (When I called my auto insurance company to put William on our policy, the woman I talked to actually laughed out loud—a real gut laugh.)

In my personal and professional experience I have witnessed the many facets of parenting. The challenges of parenting are many. I’ve seen parents struggle to raise healthy kids while building careers, taking care of the home, dealing with their own parents and other family members, serving in church, paying the bills, and maintaining an intimate marriage.

I’ve seen strong-willed kids who defy their parents and do not respond to the typical, standard parenting advice. I’ve seen brothers and sisters who hate each other and engage in out-of-control sibling rivalry. I’ve seen blended families that do not blend.

I’ve seen parents battle each other because they have very different parenting and discipline styles. I’ve seen parents try to control all the social media outlets that are available to their kids. And I’ve seen parents who must deal with teenagers who are addicted to Internet pornography.

I’ve seen parents cope with schools that openly teach liberal, sinful values and lifestyles. I’ve seen parents struggle to instill godly values in their kids in a world with no godly values.

I’ve also seen the joys of parenting. I’ve seen the faces of parents with their newborn child. I’ve seen kids develop their unique personalities. I’ve seen the pride of moms and dads at their children’s sporting events, dance and music recitals, plays, martial arts matches, and band and choir performances.

I’ve seen parents laugh their heads off at the funny things their kids say and do. I’ve seen parents joyfully witness all the firsts in their child’s life: first step, first day without diapers, first day of school, first day of camp, first day of driving alone (an event that brings joy and terror!), first date, first day of college, first time believing Jesus Christ died for their sins and rose again.

With all its challenges, sorrows, and joys, parenting is quite an adventure. I want to help you two be the very best parents you can be.

In this chapter I’m going to teach some key principles of effective parenting. These principles have helped Sandy and me and many parents I’ve worked with in my therapy office and at my seminars. You will get practical help no matter what kind of parent you are: biological, adoptive, foster, or in a blended family. Even if you don’t have kids yet, the material in this chapter will be excellent preparation for parenthood.

Of course, in these few pages I can cover only a fraction of parenting wisdom. For my contribution to the field of parenting, get my comprehensive parenting manual, Winning the Parenting War.

How Are We Doing?

• What is going well in your parenting? What strategies are working?

• What is not going well in your parenting? What are your greatest challenges or struggles as a parent?

• What mistakes have you made as a parent? Ask each other to name some of the mistakes you feel the other has made, keeping in mind that you both will make mistakes.

• Talk with each other about each of the children. What are their strengths and weaknesses?

• If you could improve one thing in the life and behavior of each child, what would it be?

• If you don’t have kids yet, what are your main fears about raising kids?

I’m going to share with you the three most important actions Sandy and I took as our four children grew up. These intentional behaviors made a huge difference in our lives and the lives of our children.

Make sure your husband-wife relationship is the most important relationship on the face of the earth. If you don’t, two very bad things will happen: (1) your relationship will fail, and (2) your children will suffer because your happiness is the single most vital plank of security in their lives.

The Bible, our instruction manual for living a successful, happy life, is clear that marriage is the most important human relationship. Genesis 2:24 states the fundamental truth that in marriage husband and wife become “one flesh,” a complete unity. It is a relationship established by God Himself. This union is the foundation of the family.

Marriage is God’s plan for men and women in serious romantic relationships. If you truly love each other and can create genuine intimacy, God wants you to get married. If you have children, God wants you to raise them under the protection and security and love of the marriage.

Ephesians 5:25 says marriage is the very picture of Christ’s relationship with the church—that is, those who have believed in Him. Wow! Because Christ gave His life for us, our love in the marriage relationship is to be completely sacrificial and unconditional.

Well, case closed. Marriage is the most important human relationship. Nowhere in the Bible does even a relationship with a child reach this level of significance and sacredness.

So how do you make your relationship number one? You actually already know how to do this. All the preceding chapters in this book have taught you the skills necessary to build a deeply intimate bond:

Without love you have nothing. Without love you are nothing. To be loved is the greatest human need.

Your children have a desperate need to be loved by you. They need to feel your love. Love is an action; doing things communicates love. Here are three daily actions through which you can communicate your love to your kids.

These are beautiful words. Powerful words. Healing words. Every day that your children are growing up, say these words to each one of them. Use the child’s name: “I love you, Bobby.” “I love you, Susie.”

I hear from clients every week these sad words: “My dad and my mom never said to me, ‘I love you,’ as I grew up.” As a result these persons have poor self-esteem and feel unlovable. Often they will do almost anything—sometimes even something self-destructive—to “earn” the love they should have received in their home. Don’t let this happen to your children. Say “I love you” every day to every child in your family. When they hit middle school, they won’t say it back to you for a few years. That’s OK. Keep on saying it every day.

What’s the largest organ in the human body? Skin! Why are we covered with skin? Because it is meant to be touched! God could have covered us with sandpaper or barnacles, but He didn’t do that.

Touch feels warm. It feels caring. It feels like love. At least once a day touch each child in an affectionate way, with a hug, a kiss, a squeeze of the shoulder, a brush of the hair, or a pat on the back. Even a low-key, brief touch communicates love.

The older kids get, the harder it is to touch them. They develop a personal space bubble and act as though they don’t need Mom and Dad to touch them. The truth is that as they move into middle school and high school, they need touch from you more than ever. For many kids, maybe most, the teen years are the period of lowest self-esteem—despite their actions to the contrary. Sneak up on them if you have to, and give a brief touch. And keep doing it every day.

Bonding spiritually with your children is a wonderful way to express your love for them. It also is a powerful way to teach them about God and how all-important He is in your life and in their lives.

First, in the morning before they left for school, we’d pray briefly with each child that God would bless and guide her or him during the day.

Second, at dinner one of us would pray and thank God for each child and for the meal. During the meal, one of us would share something in the spiritual area. We would thank God for an answer to prayer, share a verse from our devotional time that morning, or talk about how God guided us that day.

Third, at the end of the day, just before bedtime, we each spent a few minutes praying with each child. We’d thank God for that child, thank Him for the day, and pray for whatever our child wanted to pray about. Of course, when they got older, they didn’t necessarily want this brief end-of-day prayer time, and they didn’t share many prayer requests. To be sure, we prayed for them anyway.

Now just a word about blended families. First, many excellent books and materials are available by those with experience in this area, and I recommend you seek these out. But I’ll go ahead and say that as a stepparent you will likely find it harder—quite a bit harder—to express love to your stepchildren in these ways. But you have to do it, and you have to keep doing it.

Never stop trying to build a relationship with your stepchildren. Keep loving on them and loving on them and loving on them, no matter what their response is. They can be rejecting, critical, and mean. They can be cold and withdrawn. They can ignore you. They might say:

And don’t ever forget: Your relationship with your spouse is a joy to you. But to the children it may represent the opposite: sadness, one parent gone, or worse, a broken home. This is a challenge you have accepted and must meet and win.

By showing love to your stepchildren, you are showing love for your partner, who is their biological parent. Your partner will notice your efforts and love you for them.

Showing your love for your stepchildren will pay off down the road. As adults they will often warm up and appreciate how you never gave up on loving them.

One of the most awful things I hear in my therapy office is when a stepparent says to me, “I’m giving up on that kid. I’m done trying to build a relationship.” Don’t ever say that. If you have said it, take it back, apologize, and start expressing love again.

The third action I urge you to take is in the area of discipline. Working together as a couple, create the House Rules. Develop and write down reasonable behavior standards and reasonable rewards and consequences.

If the children choose to follow your standards, they will be rewarded. If they choose to disobey your standards, they will receive consequences. Now you can’t put down on paper every possible behavior standard, but you can cover the main areas: chores, homework, respect, character traits, treatment of siblings, expectations around friends, limits on social media and television, and moral and spiritual values.

When a child—whether your biological child or a stepchild—chooses to disobey, put the child on hold, and the two of you parents talk about it. The two of you should always talk privately and reach a mutual decision. When you come back from your conversation, you must be in total agreement: “This is our decision.”

When it comes to blended families, discussion of a child’s misbehavior should always be done in private with the biological parent, never in front of the other children. And keep in mind two essential principles regarding the blended family: First, the biological parent should always have the final say on discipline; the stepparent has full input but does not have authority to make the decision. Second, the biological parent delivers the consequence. As a stepparent don’t make the classic mistake of disciplining a stepchild on your own. Otherwise you will be met with terrific resistance and resentment. The biological parent disciplines the biological child—period.

What do you do as a stepparent when the stepchild acts out and the biological parent—your partner—isn’t around? First, try to reach your partner by phone or text. If that effort fails, discipline in the name of the biological parent: “I believe your mother/father would want this action to be taken.”

What Will Block Us?

• Be honest: Are you putting your children above your partner? Ask your partner if he or she feels you are. If you are, why do you think you are?

• What will be hard about making your partner number one in your life? What do you fear will happen if you make this change?

• Which of the nine essential areas covered thus far in this book is the most challenging for you? Why is this area so difficult for you?

• What gets in the way of saying “I love you”? Of giving physical affection? Of talking about spiritual matters with your children? Which of these will be the hardest for you? Why?

• If you don’t apply consequences when your children disobey, why don’t you? Why are you too soft on them?

• If you are too hard on your children, why do think you are that way?

• What will keep you from working with your partner as a team in the difficult area of discipline?

• If you don’t have kids yet, what areas of parenting do you think will present the biggest challenge for you?

This week, I want the two of you to have a talk about how to make sure your relationship is being given more importance than your kids. If you’re focused on your kids, admit it. Discuss how you’ve done so far in the essential areas covered in this book. Has your work in these essential areas made your relationship a greater priority and led to a deeper level of intimacy?

Do the three love actions—saying “I love you,” giving physical affection, and sharing your spirituality—with each of your children every day this next week. If you are a blended family, do them with each of your partner’s children too. If you’re not with each child every day, you can still call or text “I love you” and share a prayer or something spiritual with them. That’s what smartphones are for!

Have another talk this week about the area of discipline—how you’re doing, what’s working, and what’s not working. Develop a plan of reasonable rewards and consequences for each child. You may not get all these plans carried out, but you will have started the process.

When a child chooses to disobey this week (which will happen), practice going through my suggested plan of discipline.

How Did We Do?

• What will you do to make the one you love number one? What is one action you can take this week to make your partner your top priority?

• Which of the three love actions was the most difficult for you? Why?

• What impact did the three daily love actions have on each of your children? How did you feel doing these actions?

• If you’re a stepparent, were you able to make progress in building a better relationship with your stepchildren? Are you willing to commit to continuing to work on these relationships, no matter what?

• What was the toughest part of coming up with a discipline plan for your children? How well did you work together on rewards and consequences?

• How did you do at following the suggested steps after a child has disobeyed? What was hard about the process?

• If you have serious issues in your family, are you willing to see a Christian professional therapist to work on them?

• If you don’t have kids yet, discuss the challenges you believe you will face in making your marriage your top priority once you do have a child.