As he rode towards London, Andre gave necessary commands, but said little else as his men struggled to keep up with his relentless pace. They stopped only once to make camp under the trees, and then woke long before dawn to finish the journey.
Andre had been angry with Rayne the night before. He was so upset he had handled it all wrong. To say he handled it poorly was an understatement. Mentally kicking himself, he went over his reaction again and again. Her confession must have ripped what was left of her heart from her, yet she had said it. He had to credit her for her bravery. These thoughts dominated his mind as he made his way east. Now, he could not blame her for thinking him a monster.
He had to find Tillie, and he also had to ponder what to make of what Rayne had told him. Was it true? Did her stillbirths render her unable to have a living child? Would birthing another stillborn destroy her? Would it leave her as Geva had been? What could Tillie be looking for that could possibly change the past?
The king had ordered him to round up more men and send them off to Pevensey Castle. Rufus needed soldiers and any able bodied man of any age. William planned to starve Odo and his allies until they surrendered. Pevensey was landlocked, and if successfully cut off, the stronghold would fall and William Rufus would have his vengeance.
The king had a lot of men already, far more than he needed. It was not Andre's job to question why he needed more; it was simply to do as the king bade. He rode hard because his mission was twofold. He also had to find out what Tillie knew. Now that Rayne had finally told him what she had held back all this time, he needed more answers. He could have questioned Rayne, but he had not been able to look at her another moment.
She had been broken, crouched before him on the floor. He had reacted distastefully, but he had been irate beyond reasonable conversation. Her tears had nearly broken him, but he knew had he spoken to her more, he would have said things he would later regret.
He had a right to be angry with her and with the king. Why Rufus had sent her to him, knowing he wanted children, he did not know. If she had wanted to leave so badly, why had she not told him sooner? There was more to this story. It did not add up. Tillie may hold the answers.
Andre found Tillie easily. He had been in London mere hours when he found her sister's home. He sent his men to start rounding up more soldiers so he could attend to his personal life. This was new for Andre. Business usually, without fail, came first. Now, he had the boys to think about, and he wanted this madness to end.
Tillie's sister, he had been told, was married to a butcher, which left only so many places to look. He had first ridden to Rayne's old home, only to find it occupied with hunters, friends of William Rufus. The property was to be Andre's after their marriage. Andre wanted to roust them out and chase them away, but he did not. That could wait. He then stopped at an inn for an ale. While there, he asked where to find the nearest butcher.
Tillie was outside the shop speaking with an elderly woman when Andre approached. She was startled to see him, but recovered from her shock quickly. She ran toward him, but stopped short. He alit from his destrier and faced her.
"'Tis fine, Tillie. 'Tis good to see you too," he said.
"Oh milord, has something happened to Rayne? Where is she? Why have you come here?"
"One question at a time."
"Would you care to come into my sister's home? 'Tis behind the shop. We can talk there, if that pleases you, milord."
"Aye, but only if you have ale."
"Indeed! Oh milord, I have so much to tell you, but so little."
Raising an eyebrow, Andre could not help but chuckle. His mood lightened a bit, and Tillie seemed earnestly glad to see him. The long ride to London had eased his tension a bit and had given him time to gain some perspective. "Lead the way."
Tillie tied Andre's destrier in a lean-to shed before leading him into a small, cramped house behind the butcher shop. The few men still with him sat at the inn a few paces away and waited. He had sent the rest out to search for the fighting men requested by the king. Despite the shabby exterior, the cottage was neat and tidy, and there was a cheery fire warming the space. It was not big, but was roomier than many hovels he had seen on this side of the city.
After accepting an ale mug from Tillie, Andre sat on a rough-hewn bench before the fire and waited for her to join him. When she finally did, she seemed hesitant, but began asking questions about Rayne straight away.
"She's fine, Tillie, as far as I know."
"So then why are you here, milord? Why did you not bring her with you?"
"'Tis a long story, but I came to see what you have found. You left with a vague story of how you needed to come back to help Rayne, yet you did not return."
"I have been unable to find what I need," Tillie shrugged. "'Twas only a hunch, but I think someone knows a secret which could change the way Rayne feels about herself. I do not want to say what without spilling her secrets. I hope you understand."
"If it helps, she already did so."
"She told you? I am surprised, milord. She never speaks of it to anyone."
"About the babies? Aye, she told me. I am afraid I made matters worse."
"What happened?"
"I was called to serve William Rufus. He is holding Odo and his allies under siege at Pevensey Castle. William has called up the fyrd and needs every man he can get. I am to find him those men. 'Tis why I am here. I told her I wanted to marry as soon as I got back rather than wait the full three months of our betrothal, so long as the siege did not carry on forever."
"She did not take your announcement well then?" Tillie said, though her face showed she already knew the answer.
"Nay, not well at all."
"So you are happy with the match? With Rayne? She pleases you, milord?"
Unable or unwilling to spill his deepest desires to this woman, he simply said, "Aye, I was pleased."
"She then told you everything?"
"That she cannot have children? Aye. I wish she would have told me sooner."
"Does that change how you feel about the marriage? I know she struggled with this, milord. 'Tis why she acted as she did. She hoped you would send her home."
"I have since figured that out. What I do not understand is why she did not tell me."
"Would you have accepted her as she was? Honestly?"
"I do not know," he said.
"There are always secrets in a woman's heart, milord. Hers are most devastating. I cannot blame her for keeping it close. Rayne should not feel shame for it, but she does. She feels it is her failing as a woman, though I have told her that is not true. Rayne would have rather died than tell you, or anyone, which is why she chose other methods to gain your disproval," Tillie said as if the matter was closed. "But along those same lines, the person I seek is not here. If you say Rufus has asked for any man to aid him, he may be out of London. He may even be dead."
"Tell me who he is and why you seek him. Mayhap we can find him."
"He is called James. He is, or rather was, your Lady Geva's brother. Illegitimate, but they were close. He works in the king's stables."
Andre's head shot up. "Geva? What has this to do with her?"
"If I may, milord, I wish to find him first, lest I am wrong, and I could be mistaken about my suspicions. 'Tis not a story many would believe unless verified. Should I speak my fear, I may sully the good name of many with no reason."
"Fair enough," Andre said, standing. "But this is all the stalling I will accept. The secrets must end, and they must end soon. So, we find this man. If he works for the king, he is near Pevensey now, not in London. Is he worth chasing down, Tillie, truly?"
"This could change everything."
"Right. Be ready in the morn then, Tillie. We ride at sunrise. I will have a horse for you."
He stood to leave, but Tillie stopped him. "She is broken, milord. Claude was, well, not a nice man. She does not know her worth. When he was not beating her, he was telling her what an evil witch she was, unable to carry a child for him."
Andre said nothing as he studied the floor.
"She needs love, milord. Love can heal her."
"I care not about the past, Tillie. I still wish to wed her. I was not sure until this moment, but I do. Let's start with finding James," he said over his shoulder as he left her for the night. "I shall finish up my duty to the king, and we will move forward on the morrow.
Andre took a few steps and then stopped. He turned to the older woman behind him. "Tillie, this stays between us. I know you have been Rayne's servant, but anyone who has seen you with her knows 'tis more than that. You are her friend. I know you are the only one she trusts. For this reason, and this reason alone, I have chosen to speak to you about this. I trust you understand the implications of repeating anything I may have said about the king or his aims."
"Of course," Tillie said. "'Tis only Rayne I worry for. Otherwise, 'tis forgotten already."
****
The boys recovered from their fever three days after Andre's departure. By suppertime that night, they had regained their healthy color and were itching to be free from their beds. Rayne accepted Aliza's invitation to eat in the nursery each eve, which was far better than sitting in silence with the priest at the high table in the hall.
She spent the rest of the week fearing her fate yet calmly accepting things were now beyond her control. She explored the castle and continued to alter her new clothes. The boys came to her often, and she did not have the heart to tell them she wished to be alone, if only to protect her heart. With great fondness, she played with them and took them outside to teach them about the world around them. She learned of Hamon's fascination with bugs and Jerni's fascination with anything Hamon did.
Her heart ached each time she bid them good night or when they left her to spend time with Aliza. While she characterized her newfound love for Andre as tentative and scary, she was unequivocally in love with the boys. Their innocent wonder and sloppy smiles had cemented them in her heart. She knew, whether she stayed or left, she would never forget Jenri and Hamon.
At night, she lay alone except for the lone soldier out in the passageway, guarding her as she slept. At times, salty tears would slide down her face, but she would ignore them and wish for the sweet oblivion of sleep. On one night, shortly before Andre was expected to return, her tears turned into gut-wrenching sobs.
The pain came, and she let the tears try to wash it away. Her mind told her Andre would dismiss her as soon as he returned, but she yearned for the opposite. She wished time could go backward, though she knew there would have been nothing she could have done to change her fate or save her babies. There was nothing that would make her whole again.
As the minutes ticked by and her sobs lessened, Rayne could do nothing but await what fate had in store for her. Never had a night felt so lonely. She had lived in a state of sorrow and frustration for as long as she could remember. She had not known happiness since her parents had died when she was young. Now, it was so close to her fingertips, yet lingered just out of reach.
Though she missed Tillie, her loneliness was more about the man of the castle. Her life felt empty without him near. In the moments before she finally drifted off to sleep, her heart betrayed her and spoke her secrets.
"Andre," she whispered before she finally drifted off to sleep. "Please let me stay. I never meant to cause you pain."
But it did not matter, for no one was there to hear her.