An hour before sunset, when they reached the orchard, Jenri and Hamon were calm, almost as if they sensed something important was happening. Hamon was his usual chatty self, but he seemed more subdued as he talked. Rayne became more anxious about how they would take what she and Andre were about to tell them.
Out of the corner of her eye, she studied Andre. He lifted Hamon up to examine the apple tree as the small leaves caught the boy’s attention. Andre was still so handsome to her, but he was more than that. Claude had been good looking even as he began to indulge too much and move too little, but as his personality came to light, he seemed less and less attractive to her. The same had not happened with Andre. As she got to know him better, he became more endearing to her. He became more than the sum of his physical parts. His heart was just as wonderful as the rest of him.
Rayne forced herself to stop looking as she sat down next to Jenri. He was looking at her solemnly, as if waiting for her to speak. She longed to hear him say just one word. Aliza had told her Jenri had spoken to Andre, but she had not heard a peep from him herself. How much would he suffer should she run away from Andre? Run away. That was all she had thought to do lately. Maybe it was not the answer, even if she had not come here of her own free will.
Hamon giggled as Andre set him down. They settled together in the lush grass, and Hamon wiggled up on Andre's lap. Overwhelmed, Rayne struggled to find the words she wanted to say. This felt right, and her heart was melting, even as her brain screamed to get up and run.
"I believe," Andre said, looking intently at Rayne, "that we have something to tell you."
"Are you to marry?" Hamon said excitedly.
"Well," Rayne managed to say, "We are going to talk about something else, if that is fine with you boys?"
Jenri nodded and looked to Hamon for guidance.
"I cannot speak, Andre, please…" Rayne said as her voice cracked.
He studied her and then nodded. "Hamon and Jenri. I know you do not remember much about Geva…"
"Our mum," Hamon said.
"That is what we have to talk about. I know you remember little of her. Jenri, you probably don't remember her at all. 'Tis hard for you boys to understand, but she won't be coming back to be your mum."
"Because she is in heaven." Hamon said. His lower lip protruded a bit and started to tremble.
"This is good news, little man," Andre said as he gently took his tiny hand. "You have a mum you did not know about. She did not know you were her children or she would have always been with you."
"I do not understand. I do not like this story," Hamon said.
"'Tis a good story, Hamon, at least I hope you think so," Andre said and then settled his gaze on Rayne.
"I am your mum," she said more bluntly than she wanted to. "At least, I am now. I love you both, and I will always carry you in my heart."
"You are going to be my mum? Really and truly?" Hamon said.
"Yes, I am here with you, and I love you. And, I know there is nowhere I would rather be than with you every single day," Rayne said, putting a hand out to touch Jenri to include him in the conversation. "Many things happened you cannot yet understand, but they are unimportant. Today, right now, this is what matters."
The boys stared at her as she continued. Rayne gulped knowing she was not being entirely truthful with her sons. She hated it, but they would have plenty of time when they were older, should the need arise, to learn the real truth.
"But you said you did not know if you would stay," Hamon said. A large tear fell down his cheek.
"I am sorry you are upset, Hamon, but I do not want you to be afraid. There are no two people in the world more important to me than you both."
Andre spoke up, "Lady Rayne loves you. She is your mum and always will be. She will never leave you."
Jenri started to quietly cry, and he ran to sit on Andre's lap.
"You love Lady Rayne, do you not?" Andre asked Hamon.
"Aye. I want her to be my mum, but I do not want her to leave like our first mum. What will happen to me?"
"I promise you," Rayne said, tears streaming down her face in earnest, "I will never willingly leave you. Ever. I will be with you so long as God wills it. I love you both."
Both boys stared at her. She did not know what was going to happen. Her heart was slowly breaking. She wished them to be more excited, but she had to remember they were but five and four, and their understanding of these things was extremely limited.
"Can you give your mum a hug?" Andre said, gently urging them from his lap.
Without a word, both boys stepped to her. Their blue eyes were upon her and she was so overwhelmed by her emotions she almost grabbed them. She stopped, not wanting to scare them.
Hamon jumped onto her lap and hugged her. "Can we play?"
Jenri moved backward, an odd expression on his little face, and sat back down with Andre.
"Of course we can," she said.
"How about this," Andre said, "You can go play with Aliza for a little while so Rayne and I may speak. Once we are done we will come back and have a picnic in the orchard tonight. How does that sound?"
"Oh, aye!" Hamon said. His eyes lit up as he grabbed Jenri's hand and they both jumped up and down.
"Aliza awaits you near the inner bailey, see her?"
"Aye," Hamon said as he spotted his nursemaid and he and his brother ran off to greet her.
"Jenri hates me," Rayne said. Her voice blank and bland, she felt numb.
"He is young," Andre said, stressing the last word. "Give him a little time. This is terribly hard for both to understand. Besides, I think it is best we get a few things sorted before they ask more questions, and they will."
"I think you are right," Rayne said, standing and wiping imaginary dirt from her kirtle. "It is time to set things right."
"Meet me atop the hill shortly. I will start a fire at our spot, and we will talk. We will have privacy there. I think we both know what is at stake here."
****
Close to an hour later, she walked up the hill and set eyes on Andre. Her heart was already bruised, and she was not sure how much more uncertainty she could take. She had begun to realize love was more than the feeling. It was doing the right thing by someone and understanding the frailty of being human. He was strong, sure, and knew his place in the world. Few would question him on that. However, he had a heart too, and she sensed he was hurting — and worst of all it was her fault.
The battle in her mind raged on as she sat down near the fire. The sky was overcast and darkening, so the fire helped warm her. Soon the summer would be in full bloom and such a fire would not be needed, but she liked it. The snaps and crackles reminded her of the special times they had spent here, getting to know each other, and sharing special moments. Fire consumed, but it also gave back. Was it so different from love?
Rayne had to figure out whether she could truly leave him or not. The small things were getting to her. She adored the way he watched her over his mug when they ate, how he would chew on the side of his thumb when in deep thought, and most exceptionally, how he had been patient with her. She hadn't deserved it. When he neared, her pulse quickened, and if he walked away, she felt terribly alone. How had she missed those things? How had she dismissed them so easily? More importantly, how could she live without this man?
She had changed. Rayne felt stronger and more at ease than she ever had. Being strong did not mean leaving everything behind. It meant choosing what mattered, and it meant choosing for herself for a change. It meant the freedom to walk away, but also the freedom to know when to stay.
Wave after wave washed over her leaving her warm and alive. He had helped her tell the boys she was their mother, softening the blow even though he knew she might take them and leave. This man had remained calm and composed while she carried off one ridiculous ploy after another to be free of him. He had ridden all over the countryside to find out the truth about her children when he could have shrugged her off and moved on with his life.
He loved her.
Rayne's head went up, and she found him watching her.
Blushing, she gestured for him to sit next to her. He did not move. Instead, he continued to watch her. Finally he cleared his throat as if to speak, but then said nothing.
"I do not know what to do next," she admitted.
"You have made it clear you want nothing to do with marriage to me, and I will have to accept that. However, I want you to hear me out first."
"Andre, you do not have to tell me…"
"Please, for a change, hear me out."
Nodding, she positioned her body so she could offer him the attention he deserved.
"You came here a wild woman. I only knew you were cousin to the king and he had to get you married off. He did not say why, and I did not ask. I was assured of your beauty and grace. My loyalty to Rufus is tied to his father, and he knows it, but he wanted to secure it. William the First saved my life once when I should have been protecting him. I promised to back his son. William Rufus thought a marriage between his cousin and me would strengthen my loyalty. That is how it is done, anyway."
"I know," she said and then fell silent.
"What I found was a woman afraid of her own shadow. You flinched when I neared. Yet, you possessed a strength I had to admire. Without blinking, you threw one challenge at me at a time, and kept them coming, and I saw who you truly are. I began to love you despite only wanting a wife so I could start a family. I did not just want you, I needed you."
He paused as he gazed down at her. He was struggling for words so she gave him a moment. This was too important to rush.
"And now, you want to leave me. I understand why, and I fear my own bumbling has led to this moment. Please do not mistake my loyalty to the king as anything but a love of my country. It is not personal. You are what matters, not him. I am not the smartest man when it comes to the ways of love, but I do love you, Rayne. I can only offer you what you see, and I only hope you take pity on me. I am strong and capable in battle, and yet, you reduce me to indecision and self-doubt."
"I do not wish you to be unsure, Andre," Rayne said, standing to face him, "I only wish you to be you."
"I cannot force you to stay, nor do I want to. If you stay, you stay because you want to. I do not care what the king wants anymore. I only care what you want. I love your sons, and now I love you. I offer you all I have here, but that is all I have to give."
"But how? How do you know you love me? What is love anyway? I fear I do not know for sure."
"Love, sweet Rayne, is not just a feeling, but a way of living. It is something you never needed until it found you, and then it is all you live for. Love is walking into a room and hoping to see the one you love, and feeling empty when you do not. Love is waking up in the morning and instead of thinking of yourself, you think of the one you love."
"Then I do love you, Andre."
"Love, my dearest woman, is not knowing what you have been living for until the moment love hits you. When it does, you realize why you have done everything in your life up until that point. It is a destination unknown, but when you find it, you knew it was where you were meant to be."
"Love then, Andre, is you."
His face softened as he finally heard her words. He reached out with a hand and touched hers. "What has changed?"
"I was rash. I was tired, overwhelmed, and I was beyond thinking anything good could happen to me. I thought strength meant walking away from love. I realize now it means accepting it, giving in to it, trusting it. I can only stumble through this in my own way."
She continued without giving him time to respond. "In my haste and horror as I learned my children lived, and then the elation that followed, I began to blame you. Why, I do not know. Mayhap I thought if you truly cared for me, you would give me time to sort it out. You were an easy target, and I was wrong in willingly believing you would keep my children from me. You do not deserve anything but truth and happiness."
"I am grateful for your words, milady, but there is one more thing we must discuss before we go any further. I must know you understand something about yourself. Do you now understand your worth to me? Do you understand that even before we knew the boys were yours that you meant something to them? What can I do to make you see yourself as we do?"
"I'm not worthless," she said after a long pause.
"You never have been, do you see that now?" Andre took her other hand in his.
"I can have children. I do have children. They are my living, breathing miracles. I'm not a failure."
"Rayne, stop defining yourself by one thought. That was only a facet of your life, and you had no control over it. It was not a choice you made. It was made for you. Now, you know it wasn't even real."
"I feel like the last five years of my life were a lie."
"But you are not a lie, Rayne. You are a woman to be admired. There is more to you than being able to have children or being barren. I wish you could see what I see. Say it, Rayne. Say it. I want to hear you say it."
"What?" she asked, her lip quivering.
"Say that you are more than a reproductive vessel. You are worth more than that. Say you know it. Say that you deserve some happiness and peace. Say that you are worthy of being loved."
"The past is gone. Right now is the only thing that counts."
"Right now, and the future. What a great future you have Rayne, if you will just allow it in." Andre said as he released one of her hands and lightly stroked her cheek with his knuckle.
"Andre, do you truly mean it when you say you would have married me anyway?"
"I would have, and I would have been a lucky man."
"Because you think I am beautiful?"
"Aye that, but so much more. Geva was beautiful, but it meant little in the end. You are strong, and you are unwilling to give up, even when you are not sure what the end result will be. A lesser person would have died of a broken heart. You did not."
"I think I know that now."
"You think you do, or you do?"
"I do. I know it. I've been a silly mess, haven't I?
"Don't think of it like that. It's over now. You did not know what happened, and you had people pushing you down. Now, you are free from it, and you know the truth. That alone should give you the answer. I cannot."
"Do I deserve you, Andre? You have given much more than anyone else ever has, with the exception of Tillie, mayhap. You put up with so much from me and yet, I am still here."
"I am not a saint, my dear. I made mistakes with Geva I did not want to make with you. Do not think for a moment that I have it all figured out or that I knew what I was doing. I was plodding through this with the grace of a drunken bull. 'Tis I that should ask if I deserve you."
"Oh Andre, I feel this huge sense of relief. I feel like the sun has finally come out. The darkness is no longer so daunting. I feel as if life is most definitely worth living. I am not the worthless waste Claude made me out to be, and I never was."
Andre grinned broadly, but said nothing as he studied her face.
"What are you smiling about?"
"I think you finally get it."
Gripping his hand tightly she said, "I do."
"I am only going to ask you this once," he said, grabbing her other hand again and stepping closer, "Do you wish to honor your betrothal?"
"Aye, with all that I am, I wish to become your wife."
Instead of speaking, he pulled her into his arms. Gently, he placed his lips near hers and whispered, "We will share a lifetime of happiness so long as you trust in me."
"I do," she said in return. His lips touched hers softly as he leaned in further. The heat of his breath enveloped her as she opened her lips to return the kiss. Pulling her close, he kissed her with the passion of a dying man given a new chance at life. She pulled away reluctantly, her lips feeling swollen, her pulse racing anew, and happiness flowing through her. Everything about loving him felt right. She marveled in the new feeling because she never wanted to forget this moment.
He stepped back, his gaze lingering on her for a moment before giggles in the distance caught his attention.
"Aliza has sent the boys up the hill. They carry a basket, and they are struggling with it." Merriment danced in his eyes as he watched them.
"Goodness, go help them," she said as she waved to Aliza. The nursemaid returned the wave and went on her way.
"Mum!" Hamon said when he topped the hill. Rayne's heart soared. Tears flooded her vision as she fell to her knees. She opened her arms, and he raced to fill them.
"We took all of the food in the kitchen for the picnic!" Hamon said excitedly. "Cook told me so!"
"Indeed?"
Jenri watched the hug. Andre opened the basket to inspect the offerings.
Letting out a chuckle, Andre spoke, "I see you helped pack too."
Rayne peered into the basket and had to laugh too. The food was indeed a mismatch of all things she suspected Hamon and Jenri liked the most.
A tap on her shoulder brought her attention around to Jenri. He was standing behind her. Pivoting, she swung around and bent to greet him. "Aye, Jenri, are you ready to eat?"
"Happy you are my mum," he said. The words were again awkward, but the meaning was clear. His voice was as sweet as she had imagined it to be.
It was indeed a day she would never forget. Tearfully, she swept the young boy into her arms. She held him close, his blond curls were tickling her nose, and she cried. His chubby arms went around her neck and she knew. All the wrongs of the past were gone.
She faced Andre, with Jenri still hugging her tightly. Hamon was in his arms, chewing on a tart with a smear of jam on his cheek.
It was all worth it. The pain of the past became a blur. Without it, she would not be standing where she was, with everything she could ever want.