THIS MORNING, with the harsh light of sun, I have doubts again. What makes us love somebody? Guilt? Necessity? Is there a love that is just pure love for the sake of one's heart? Mama says I should not dwell on such questions, they are too large for a girl my age. We talked quietly at breakfast while Daddy and Rene slept. For Rene, of course, stayed over the night, coddled and cosseted by Mama as if he were her own.
We are all terribly shaken by what happened. Daddy personally gave thanks to God for saving him and Rene from a watery grave. And when they slept in this morning, it gave me a chance to think.
"If I wed Rene, suppose he is mean to me?" I asked Mama. She said we all take that chance, that nothing is guaranteed. "But what if I never come back here again?" I asked.
She said I should come back for the birth of my first child. For the birth of every child, and then in between. I blushed, thinking of children.
I then asked, "Do you think he's right for me?
And Mama smiled. "He is definitely not wrong," she said. "And even if the answer lies somewhere in between, you will do well."
"I think I shall wed him," I told Mama calmly.
And she smiled back and said, "Good."
***
MAMA HAS the answer to all my questions, but her answers don't mean anything. I am thinking that is what love is. Always having questions but never having the answer, and just keeping on trying to get it.
***
RENE WAS the first up. He came downstairs, crisply attired in the whitest of shirts, his face freshly shaven, smelling of rose water and soap. Opal agreed to stay out of the kitchen so I could make him breakfast. The dining room table was set with a lace cloth and our good crystal and chinaware and candles.
As I set down his cup of coffee and lit the candles, he asked, "What's all this for?"
"In celebration of life," I told him.
He looked across the table at me and I at him. Then he held out his hand and I went around to him and took it.
"You've made your decision," he said.
I said yes, I had, and I was going to marry him.
"I had to nearly drown in order to get you to say yes," he teased. Then, without rising, he took me in his arms and I leaned down to kiss him. In the background I heard noises from the house, Opal and Mama talking, Benjamin chatting away somewhere, but I paid mind to none of it. It was as if the world had gone away. My first kiss. And he was so gentle it was like the touch of a butterfly's wing. I felt stirrings inside me that I had never felt before.
He sat me on his knee and looked at me with that fine light of intelligence in his eyes. "Are you sure? This isn't because of what happened yesterday?"
"Yes, it is," I said. "I almost lost you."
He kissed me again, more insistent this time, and I didn't want to pull away, but I had to jump up and see to the bacon and eggs I was making for him. My head was swimming. If this is what marriage will be like, I have no reason to fear.
***
I AM TO BE WED! I have given my heart and my life and my word to a man. I can scarce believe it. One minute I am dancing on air and the next I am terrified. But mostly I am flattered and feel important, like Queen Victoria. When Daddy heard, he insisted on breaking open a bottle of champagne for lunch! And he and Mama toasted us. Rene held my hand and I was allowed half a glass of champagne. Imagine! I am to be married, but I can't have a full glass of champagne! Rene and I laughed over that. Oh, his teeth are so white, and I am so glad he has a sense of humor.
Oh, someone has just arrived. We are expecting the return of Heppi and Josh.
It is them! I must go downstairs.