Chapter Twenty-three

Elissa awoke with a start, troubled by a vague, unpleasant dream she could only distantly recall. She reached for Adrian, felt the indentation left by his body in the feather mattress, but Adrian had already gone. A pang of loneliness slid through her, his absence even more poignant after the hours they had spent making love.

He has only gone to see Ravenscroft, she told herself, recalling his words of last night, yet her hand trembled as it ran over the pillow where he had slept, and worry formed a cold knot in her stomach. He had never made love to her the way he had last night, with so much passion, so much undisguised longing. Each touch betrayed his feelings for her, his fathomless need of her. He had never caressed her with such aching tenderness, never taken her with such undeniable hunger. It was as if he wished to consume her, make her a part of his very soul.

It made her heart ache to think of it, for she sensed that last night’s loving, the culmination of all that had passed between them, might be the end and not the beginning she so fervently prayed it was.

Dear God, what if he had merely been telling her goodbye?

Anxiety sat heavy on her chest, but she forced herself to ignore it. Heedless of the tender aches in her sweetly sated body and the dampness of Adrian’s seed between her legs, Elissa struggled out from beneath the covers and made her way to the dresser to begin her morning ablutions. She finished quickly then dressed in a yellow muslin day dress she found in the armoire. After a last glance in the mirror that betrayed her passionate night, she made her way downstairs.

Nina was waiting in the dining room, a smile of welcome lighting her face. Elissa sat across from her and a servant poured them steaming cups of coffee. A plate of sausage and strudel appeared on the table in front of her, but she merely slid the morsels around on her plate. It was difficult to eat with so much on her mind. Even the thought of food made her slightly sick to her stomach.

“The children are still sleeping?” she finally asked, breaking into the silence.

Nina nodded. “A rare occasion. They were exhausted after traveling all day.” She smiled. “Your colonel will forever be a hero to Vada. It was kind of him to allow her to keep the puppy.”

Elissa smiled faintly. “Adrian likes children, though I don’t think he cares to admit it.” She took a sip of her coffee. “Has Major St. Giles left, as well?”

A spark of warmth appeared in Nina’s dark eyes. “He and the colonel left at first light. I heard them riding out before the sun had crested the horizon.”

“I wish I knew what was going to happen.” She sighed. “I know it’s silly but I miss Adrian already. Perhaps General Ravenscroft will order him to stay.”

Nina’s dark gaze shifted away. “Perhaps he will.” But it was obvious she didn’t believe it, and neither did Elissa.

Misery washed over her. Fear of what she thought must lie ahead. She tried to smile, to make some effort at polite conversation, but her lips began to tremble and her eyes glazed with tears. Bending forward, she covered her face with her hands and started to weep. “I don’t know if I can stand this. God, I love him so much.”

Nina was out of her chair in an instant, rounding the table, urging her up and into her comforting arms.

Elissa cried on her shoulder. “I love him, Nina. I tried not to, but God help me, I do.”

Nina patted her gently on the back. “I know you do.”

“He came to me last night,” Elissa said tearfully. “What we did … it was beautiful … so beautiful. And so incredibly sad.”

Nina nodded sagely. “He does not wish to leave you.”

Elissa dragged in a shaky breath and drew herself away, brushing the tears from her cheeks. “I wish I could believe that.”

Dark eyes centered on her face, knowing eyes, filled with wisdom beyond her years. “I know little of the love between a man and a woman, yet I believe that the colonel loves you. If you love him, too, then you must tell him.”

Elissa sighed and glanced away. “I’ve wanted to. The time just never seemed right. And last night … last night I was afraid to.”

“You are afraid that if you tell him the way you feel, you will lose him.”

She nodded. “Yes…”

Nina reached for her hand, gave it a gentle squeeze. “If you want him, you must fight for him. Tell him before he leaves. Let him know the way you feel.”

Nina was right, she knew, yet her stomach twisted to think of it. What if she opened her heart and all he felt in return was pity? What if desire for her was all he had ever felt?

By the time Adrian returned late that morning, her stomach was a bundle of nerves and her heart hammered with fear.

Dear God, she loved him so much.

He strode into the house as he always did, his movements forged with purpose, yet his expression held none of the tenderness she had seen in his face last night.

“Things are progressing as we planned,” he said brusquely, approaching where she waited in the drawing room. “Ravenscroft has ordered my immediate return to the archduke’s army. Jamie is to see Nina settled and you returned safely to Baden.”

Her eyes squeezed shut for a heartbeat. “I thought … I thought you would be staying at least for a couple of days.”

He only shook his head. “Time is of the essence now. I have to be on my way. With Bonaparte so close, I’ll have to head east out of the city then cut north until I find the archduke’s forces.” He glanced toward the door as if he couldn’t wait to leave. “I’m already packed. Jamie will be along within the hour.” His smile looked distant and remote, as though the man she had known last night was already gone. “Minotaur waits out in front. Why don’t you walk me to the door?”

“Yes … yes, of course.” Dear God, she couldn’t think, couldn’t believe this was happening so quickly. Adrian’s big hand settled at her waist, urging her across the room and out into the foyer, then the butler opened the door.

In seconds they were standing outside the town house, Adrian standing at the bottom of the steps, checking his saddle and equipment, turning to smile at her like the stranger he had become.

Don’t go! she wanted to say. There are things I have to tell you, things I need to say! Perhaps that was the reason he was leaving in such a hurry. Perhaps he didn’t want to hear them.

“Time to go, angel,” he said lightly. “Take care of yourself. I’ll send word of the Falcon as soon as there is news. Jamie will see you get the message.” He started to turn away, to swing himself up on his horse, but her softly spoken words held him in place.

“Aren’t you going to kiss me goodbye?”

He stared at her and the mask he wore began to crumble. Stark pain twisted his features, despair unlike anything she had ever seen. “Of course,” he said gruffly, taking a step in her direction.

She was in his arms before he had started up the stairs, clinging to his neck, pressing her cheek to his, unmindful of her tears.

“Don’t cry, angel,” he whispered. “I can’t bear it if you cry.”

She captured his face between her hands, dragged his mouth down to hers for a fierce, aching kiss. Adrian’s arms tightened painfully around her. He deepened the kiss, claiming her as if he tried to reach into her soul. She could feel him trembling, hear his sharp, raw intakes of breath.

“I have to go,” he whispered, but he didn’t release his hold, just stood there on the steps, his arms wrapped tightly around her. His hands smoothed over her hair. “I have to leave.”

Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks. “Please, Adrian, hold me just a few moments more.”

His eyes slid closed as if he were in pain. He pressed his face into the curve of her neck and she could feel the tremors running through his big, hard body. It was time to say the words, time to speak the thoughts crowding her heart. It should have been easy—she loved him so much. And yet she was afraid.

She steadied her nerves. Held him even tighter against her. “Before you go,” she whispered, “there is something I would tell you.”

His big hand cradled her head, but he didn’t let her go.

“I love you,” she said. “Adrian, I love you so much.”

His whole body went rigid. For a moment he didn’t even breathe.

“I wanted to tell you,” she stumbled on. “I tried, but I was afraid.”

His hold on her eased and she felt him begin to draw away. She wanted to call back the words, wanted desperately to pull him back into her arms.

“You don’t love me,” he said gently, looking into her tearstained face. “You may think so now, but in the end you’ll see it was only an illusion.”

The ache in her throat began to swell, making it difficult to speak. “You’re wrong, Adrian. I’m not like the women in your past. I’m nothing like Miriam Springer. I’m not the sort of woman who gives her love at a whim and then takes it away.” She reached out and cupped his cheek. “I love you—deeply and without reservation. No matter what you do, no matter where you go, that will not change. I’ll always love you, Adrian. I’ll love you forever.”

Adrian stared at her, his eyes full of regret and darkened with pain. She looked into his dear, beloved face, read the despair, saw the heartache and need that surpassed even her own, and knew in that moment that he loved her, too.

Dear God, he loved her—as she had prayed that he would—and yet it did not matter. The tension in his body, the harsh rise and fall of his chest, made it clear that he still meant to leave her.

She closed her eyes, felt the wetness sliding down her cheeks. “You won’t be back,” she said softly, aching at the words she knew were true. “This isn’t just goodbye until your return, this is goodbye forever … isn’t it, Adrian?”

He glanced away, his grief so tangible she thought that if she reached out she could touch it. “My regiment is here,” he said softly. “I’ll have to return sooner or later.”

Her chest ached, felt as if the air were being sucked from her lungs. “But you won’t be returning to me. Today is the last time you will ever kiss me, the last time you’ll ever hold me. It’s over between us—isn’t it, Adrian? Last night you were telling me goodbye. Last night when we made love, that was the last night we’ll ever be together.”

He didn’t answer, made no move to speak, but the agony in his features, the torment etched in his eyes, confirmed what his words did not. Pain tore through her, fierce and numbing, making it hard to think.

“I have to go,” he said. “In time, you’ll forget all about me. You’ll find someone else. A man who will love you as you deserve.”

She only shook her head. “I don’t want someone else. It’s you I love, Adrian. You’re the only man I’ll ever love.”

Regret darkened his features. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I never meant to hurt you.”

She swallowed past the tightness in her throat. “I know.”

Adrian looked one last time into her face then turned away, starting back down the steps toward his horse. She watched him go, her heart squeezing painfully, her eyes glazed with tears. If you love him, you must fight for him. Nina’s words hovered at the edge of her mind. If you love him … if you love him … The litany washed over her, broke through the sorrow numbing her senses. If you love him, you must fight. Strength poured through her. The words gave her the courage she needed, the will to take the biggest risk of her life.

She drew herself up and called out to him, halting him at the bottom of the steps. When he turned, she looked into his pain-etched features and knew the next few moments would determine the course of her life.

“I know what you are thinking, Colonel. You believe you are simply leaving, finishing what we once shared. That is what you want to believe, but it isn’t the truth. The truth is you’re running away.”

Adrian’s gaze turned fierce. She lifted her chin and forced herself to meet those hot green eyes that had suddenly turned so hard. “You know what I think, Colonel? I think you’re in love with me. I think that perhaps you love me almost as much as I love you. But the fact is you’re afraid. All your life you’ve searched for love and each time you failed to find it. You believe if you try again, you’ll only fail again—and this time you might not survive it.”

She straightened her shoulders, her chest aching, her gaze locked with his, willing him to look inside his heart. “Until this moment, I admired you, my lord Colonel. You are strong and you are smart. You are kind and you are gentle. But today I discovered something about you that I did not know. Until this morning, I thought you were the bravest man I had ever met. But the truth is, Colonel Kingsland, you’re a coward. And because you’re afraid, both of us will suffer for the rest of our lives.”

Adrian’s face went from pale to a deep shade of rose, anger replacing the despair she had seen just moments ago.

“If a man said those words to me, I would kill him. In your case, my lady, I am simply grateful to know your true opinion of me. It shall make our parting far easier, I assure you.” Turning away from her, his shoulders rigid, he swung himself up in the saddle and snatched up the reins. “Farewell, Countess. Have a safe trip back to England.”

Digging his heels into the stallion’s ribs, he urged the big black out into the crowded street, riding away from her without a single glance back. Elissa watched his tall frame disappear among the throng of people leaving Vienna and thought her heart must surely be breaking in two.

Dear God, what have I done? She sank down on the steps, staring at the place Adrian had been, wishing she could take back her taunting words. Perhaps if she hadn’t spoken, they might have at least parted friends. Instead he was gone for good. Her cruel words had driven him away.

Elissa swallowed past the ache in her throat. She should have known he would react the way he did. He had wanted an excuse to leave her and she had given him one. She pressed her knuckles against her mouth and wept for him, wept for what they might have had if only she could have reached him. Instead she had driven a wedge between them no words could ever repair.

“Come into the house.” Nina’s deep, commanding voice cut into her misery, the no-nonsense tone pulling her from her despair. “There is no point in sitting out here, making yourself sick with grief. Come inside and I will make you a cup of tea.”

Nina was right, as she usually was, but still her legs felt leaden. Sucking in a shaky breath, she pushed herself to her feet. Crying would do her no good. Weeping wouldn’t change the fact that he was gone. “I’ve lost him, Nina. I did everything wrong. I drove him away.”

Nina wrapped an arm around her shoulders, leading her back inside the house. “You did the best you could. That is all any woman can do. You have told him the way you feel. It is up to the colonel to decide what he must do.”

But Elissa believed he had already chosen. She had seen it in the grim set of his shoulders as he had ridden away. He wouldn’t be back—at least not to her. She would have to find a way to live without him.

*   *   *

The morning dragged past. Though her heart felt leaden, Elissa was determined to put her life back into some kind of order, to fight the cold, numbing pain of Adrian’s loss. Driven by a desperate need to forget him, she waited for the major’s return with a renewed sense of purpose. She had to keep busy. There were things she needed to do, things she hoped would help erase him from her thoughts.

Jamison arrived at the town house just before noon, his saddle horse tied to the back of a carriage. A groom led the animal to the stables at the rear of the house while the major climbed the front porch stairs two at a time and surged into the entry.

“The Krasnos family is still in Vienna,” he said without preamble when he found them in the drawing room. “I spoke to them this morning. They were saddened by the loss of Nina’s father but assured me they would welcome her and the children into their home.”

Nina breathed a sigh of relief but there was a tightness around her mouth that said much of her worry remained. For the past half hour, she had been pacing the floor, waiting for Jamison’s return, uncertain of the welcome she would receive in her cousin’s home.

Elissa wondered that same thing. What are they like? she wanted to ask, knowing it was the question that darkened her friend’s exotic features.

Instead Elissa forced herself to smile. “That’s wonderful news, isn’t it, Nina?”

“Yes, it is very good news, indeed.” She flicked a glance upward as if she could see into the rooms on the second floor. “The children are playing with the puppy. Our clothes are already packed. I will tell them you are ready to leave.”

Jamison nodded. “The carriage awaits out in front. I should like to get you and the children settled as quickly as possible. It’s a three-hour journey on to Baden and I’d like to see the countess safely to Blauenhaus before it gets dark.”

This time Nina didn’t let the reference pass. “You are a countess?” she asked, a sleek black brow arching with curiosity.

“Not really, though I arrived here pretending that I was. I came to Vienna to investigate my brother’s murder. That is what the colonel and I were doing together, the reason we were traveling with the army.”

“Ah, yes, now I see.” Nina said no more, merely turned and left to collect the children and their meager possessions. Nina wasn’t one to press for information. Her friendship was offered simply, with no strings attached. When Elissa was ready to explain the rest, Nina would be ready to listen.

As soon as she was gone, Elissa turned to the major. “You needn’t worry about taking me to Baden. I don’t intend to go there.”

Jamison’s blue eyes widened in surprise, then his brows pulled into a frown. “My orders are to take you to Baden. That is exactly what I mean to do.”

Elissa eyed him boldly. “Need I remind you, Major, that I am a civilian? Colonel Kingsland has the right to command your actions—he hasn’t the least right to order me about.”

He clamped his jaw in a gesture that reminded her of Adrian. “Don’t be a fool, Elissa. Napoleon will be marching on the city any day. You’ll be safer if you are in Baden.”

“Two hundred thousand people live in Vienna. Even should Bonaparte capture the city, the danger to me would be no greater than it would to anyone else.”

“Why is it you wish to stay? What do you plan to gain by being stubborn?”

“I’m not sure. Perhaps I could learn something of what happened at Reiss’s Tavern. My brother’s commanding officer said that is where Karl was murdered, just like the Falcon’s courier.”

His mouth went thin. “Even if there is a connection, you can scarcely go into a place like that. You’re a woman. You wouldn’t find out a bloody thing.”

“Then I’ll find someone who can. In the meantime, I’m sure the duchess will not mind if I impose on her friendship a little while longer and stay in the palace while she is away.”

The major swore softly beneath his breath. “This is insane. You have to go to Baden.”

“I don’t have to do a damnable thing I don’t want to. And I am not going to Baden.”

He blew out a frustrated breath, anger warring with the fact he knew she was right. “Is there nothing I can say to dissuade you? Adrian will be sorely displeased to learn you have disobeyed him again.”

Her chin shot up. “I am no longer concerned with what does or does not please the colonel—as I am sure he is no longer concerned with what pleases me. As for you, Major St. Giles, with or without your approval, I intend to stay in Vienna.”

Jamison ground his teeth. “Hell and damnation but you are a vexing woman.”

Elissa found herself smiling for the first time that day. “I assume that means you will escort me to the duchess’s palace.”

A hard look came into his light blue eyes while a corner of his mouth curved up. “On the contrary, my lady. If you are determined to remain in the city, you will stay here in the town house where I can personally see to your safety.”

“But I couldn’t possibly—”

“I’ll be happy to send for your lady’s maid, if that will make you feel better. But one way or another, you will stay or I promise you, Elissa, I will truss you up like a Christmas goose and cart you all the way to Baden—which is doubtless exactly what I should do.”

Amused laughter filtered through the doorway. Nina stood there smiling, enjoying their battle of wills. “I warn you, Jamie. I have witnessed this lady’s determination. The task might prove more difficult than you believe.”

The edge of a smile touched the major’s well-formed lips. It slid away as he turned to Elissa, a scowl rising in its place. “Which is it to be, my lady?”

From the hard look he gave her, it was clear that Nina’s warning had fallen on deaf ears. And Elissa liked him far too much to challenge him that way. Besides, she couldn’t deny there was a certain amount of comfort in remaining here in the town house, in company with a soldier who would do everything in his power to protect her.

Elissa smiled. “All right, Major—you win. At least for the present. In the meantime, I’m sure Nina is eager to reach her new home and see the children properly settled.”

But Nina didn’t look eager at all. In fact; as the dark-haired girl stared at the major, it seemed she almost hated to leave.

“Are you ready?” Jamison asked softly. He appeared reluctant as well.

Nina gave him a nod of agreement. “The butler has seen our satchels loaded into the carriage … what little we were able to bring. Most of our belongings were left in Ratisbon.”

“Possessions aren’t important,” the major said gently. “What matters is that you arrived here safely and that soon you’ll have a new family.”

“Yes…” Nina agreed, but uncertainty clouded her big, dark eyes. The Krasnos were unknown to her. What would she discover when she got there? Elissa prayed she would find acceptance for the children as well as for herself.

“Goodbye, Nina.” Elissa reached out and hugged her. “You’ve been a wonderful friend.”

Nina returned the embrace. “I hope we will see each other often.”

Elissa hugged each of the children. “Take care of your sister, will you? She gets lonely sometimes, just like you.”

They stared up at her as if the thought had never occurred to them. Nina was so strong. It didn’t seem possible she could have such a weakness.

Little Tibor reached out and took his sister’s hand. “I will take care of you. I will look out for you, just like Papa used to do.”

Elissa’s throat closed up. Her emotions had been close to the surface all morning. She couldn’t help thinking of the children she and Adrian might have had.

“Thank you, Tibor,” Nina said solemnly. She squeezed his hand and smiled. “Now we had better be on our way. I’m sure the major has more important things to do than worry about a ragged bunch like us.”

Jamison started to protest, but the children rushed past just then, racing for the door and nearly bowling him over. He chuckled as he turned to Nina, his features softening as his eyes came to rest on her face. “I was wondering, Miss Petralo … Nina … if it might be possible … if you would mind if I called on you, once you are settled in your new home?”

Nina’s innocently sensual expression betrayed the pleasure she felt at his words. “I would like that very much … Jamie.”

The major smiled in that warm way Elissa had only begun to see. “Shall we?” He offered Nina his arm and led her out the door, down the front steps, to the carriage.

Elissa watched him help her climb in and lift each of the children inside, then the vehicle rolled off down the cobbled streets. Elissa watched them leave, suddenly tired and unbearably lonely. She couldn’t give in to the feeling, she knew. If she did, the grief she had buried inside would surface and overwhelm her.

Stiffening her spine, she turned away from the window in the entry and climbed the stairs up to her room. She needed to think, to plan what she should do. But even in the solitude of her bedchamber, it was difficult to concentrate. Her heart ached with bitterness and loss, and her mind was clouded with sadness. She tried not to glance at the bed. It reminded her of the beautiful night she had spent with Adrian, the last night they would ever have together.

Elissa sighed. Tomorrow she would feel better. Tomorrow she would start to forget.

But in her heart she knew Adrian Kingsland was the one man she would never be able to forget.