Your Money Personality frames the way you think about money—and about life. Once you know your Primary and Secondary Money Personalities, you’ll start noticing them playing out in all kinds of ways. If you’re a Risk Taker, for example, you’ll start to notice the little decisions you make every day that have an element of the unknown to them—checking out a new restaurant, pursuing a new business contact, trying a new recipe. If you’re a Saver, you’ll notice that you compare prices at the grocery store or automatically head to the clearance rack when you’re shopping.
But that’s just your Primary Money Personality at work. Your Secondary Money Personality, while not as prominent as your Primary Money Personality, still has an impact on the way you view money. That’s why there are Spenders who experience serious buyer’s remorse and Flyers who retire as millionaires.
We’ve learned that there are certain combinations of Primary and Secondary Money Personalities that create something we call the Opposite Dynamic. The Opposite Dynamic is the internal conflict so many of us experience when our Primary and Secondary Money Personalities clash.
Our friend Matt’s Primary Money Personality is Spender. His Secondary Money Personality is Security Seeker. His Spender side loves to shop. So a few months ago, when Matt needed a new speaker for his home theater system, he spent his Saturday morning at the electronics store, did a little looking to find just what he wanted, and left with a new speaker. And a new flat-screen TV. And a new Blu-ray player. And a Wii.
For the first five minutes of his drive home, Matt was on the new-stuff high that Spenders feed off of. And then his Security Seeker side kicked in. What had he just done? What was he thinking, spending so much? What if he needed that money next week? What if the car needed repairs? What if he lost his job? By the time he got home, he’d already figured out what he could return and vowed to never let himself spend so much again.
Matt’s response is the result of the Opposite Dynamic. His Primary and Secondary Money Personalities lead him to want two very different things—the thrill of the purchase and the security of knowing he has planned for the future.
The Opposite Dynamic is the result of your Money Personalities having competing needs. That competition creates internal tension. And that tension can quickly creep into your Money Relationship. So we’re going to take some time to break down this idea of the Opposite Dynamic so you can see how that internal tension might be seeping into your marriage.
Clashing Personalities
The five Money Personalities can be put into two groups. On one side are the Spender, the Risk Taker, and the Flyer. These three Money Personalities have a few things in common:
• They think of money as a means to an end.
• They tend to be more impulsive.
• They don’t experience much fear or anxiety when it comes to money.
On the other side are the Saver and the Security Seeker. They also have a few things in common:
• They think of money as an end in itself.
• They tend to be intentional spenders.
• They struggle with fear and anxiety when it comes to money.
If your Primary Money Personality is in one group and your Secondary Money Personality is in the other, you have the Opposite Dynamic. And while there are plenty of benefits to the Opposite Dynamic, most of us are more likely to notice the challenges it creates.
Our friend Claire’s Primary Money Personality is the Saver and her Secondary Money Personality is the Flyer. She got a new job recently, one that called for a more professional wardrobe. That meant Claire needed to go shopping. And Claire hates shopping. So she put it off until the weekend before her first day at the new job. Instead of having time to look for a good deal or wait for a sale, Claire ended up paying full price for clothes she didn’t really like all that much. And instead of feeling confident in her new outfit on that first day of work, all Claire could think about was how much it cost.
Claire’s Saver Money Personality created anxiety about how much she’d spent on the clothes, but it’s her Flyer Money Personality that kept her from making plans that could have helped her spend less in the first place. That’s the Opposite Dynamic at work.
Like Matt in the earlier example, Claire is dealing with that internal tension between her Primary and Secondary Money Personalities. And while it’s often easier for people to pay attention to the conflict they feel because of the Opposite Dynamic, we find that the Opposite Dynamic can also be a helpful diagnostic check. If you pay attention to it, it can save you from the challenging parts of your Money Personality.
Every one of the five Money Personalities has a downside. Spenders can go off the deep end and leave themselves and their families drowning in debt. Savers can be so aggressive in their efforts to save money that they can rob themselves and everyone around them of the joy that comes from living life to the fullest. Risk Takers can be reckless and Security Seekers can be so fixated on the future that they never enjoy the present. Flyers can find themselves working for thirty years and having nothing to show for it—no house, no savings—nothing.
Your Secondary Money Personality works as a kind of stopgap that keeps your Primary Money Personality from running amok, and vice versa. Take Matt, our Spender/ Security Seeker. Matt’s Secondary Money Personality keeps him focused on the future. When he spends more than he planned to on new electronic gear, his Security Seeker side kicks in and helps him get back on track so that when the car breaks down—because it will—he’ll be ready for it.
At the same time, Matt’s Spender Money Personality helps Matt keep an eye on the here and now. Matt’s not so worried about tomorrow that he forgets to enjoy today, even when that means spending some money to make that enjoyment happen. His Opposite Dynamic works to his advantage.
If we look at Claire, we can see that her Opposite Dynamic can be an asset as well. She’s a Saver, something that can be a lifesaver for a Flyer. Flyers aren’t necessarily careless with money, but they don’t think about it much. So if a Flyer is also a Spender, he can end up in all kinds of financial trouble—unpaid bills, deep debt, foreclosure. For Claire, her Saver Money Personality helps keep her from spending money she doesn’t have.
At the same time, Claire’s Flyer Money Personality keeps her Saver side from falling into a spiral of shame and anxiety when she does spend more than she planned. Claire worried about her new-job shopping spree for a morning and then she moved on—other things are far more important to Claire than her money.
If you have the Opposite Dynamic between your Primary and Secondary Money Personalities, it might take a little thinking to see how your conflicting ways of thinking can actually help create balance in your life. But once you start to see how the two work together, you’ll be moving toward a better understanding of the role you play in building a strong Money Relationship with your spouse.
In the next two chapters, we’re going to move from talking about each of you as individuals to dealing with the way your Money Personalities combine as a couple. That’s why it’s so important to know yourself well before moving on. We want you to know and own both the good and the not-so-good aspects of your Money Personality, as well as understand how the Opposite Dynamic plays out in the decisions you make about money.
MAKE IT HAPPEN
Think of three examples of times your Primary and Secondary Money Personalities have worked together in a positive way. If you have the Opposite Dynamic, think about ways your Primary and Secondary Money Personalities balance each other out.
