I wonder why I’m thinking about kisses tonight.
We’ve been through so much, together. We’ve shared dreams and hopes. We’ve imagined, eyes wide open, every sort of future, even the wildest dreams.
And we’ve had so many victories against the slings and arrows of life, both you and I. Because not believing was hard, even for me, more than once. But then there was you, so everything struck me as different; when there are two of you, battles becomes so much easier to fight.
It seems impossible that you’re gone now.
It seems impossible that I can’t call you, now that I hear the wind howl and I think of how cold it is outside. I wish I could talk to you, even without feeling you at my side. It would help me.
Tonight, I’m thinking about embraces.
When you miss someone’s flesh, you immediately imagine sex. But it’s in the embrace itself that you lose yourself, don’t you think? When two bodies are pressed one against the other, without defenses, without barrier. An embrace is such a reassuring thing.
I remember all the times that we reassured each other.
You knew me so well, so very well. Nothing of the sort had ever happened to me before. I know that I’m not easy to decipher, and yet you guessed my thoughts from nothing more than an expression.
It’s a priceless sensation, to be understood. It’s wonderful to feel like you’re important, to know that your state of mind, just a word from you, can change the temperature around someone.
That’s why I couldn’t tolerate your betrayal.
If it had come from some other direction, I could have tolerated it, these are things that happen in life. But not from you, that I couldn’t take, I never thought I would have to defend myself from you.
It was a knife in the back that murdered the finest part of me, the part that had finally opened up to a fellow human being.
Your betrayal meant that opening up, surrendering, taking off the armor that I’d worked so hard to construct, had been a mistake.
No, that I couldn’t take.
To see your name like that.
To see that photograph.
I couldn’t take it, do you understand that? I had to do what I did next.
Still, tonight I miss your embrace. Tonight I wish I could feel your body next to mine.
And lose myself in a long, endless embrace.