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After dinner, all the girls gathered in the meeting room, patiently waiting for Mr. Novak to make a few announcements. Curiosity nagged at me when I didn’t see Roxy during dinner. If Mr. Novak didn’t address Roxy’s absence, I’d have to visit Russ. I didn’t know why I bothered to care, only that the answer would give me better insight of how ISAN ran.
Lydia, Russ, and Mr. Novak walked out of the top floor shadows. Mr. Novak filled the air with his arrogance, like an actor commanding the stage. He intimidated me with the ability to send me back to juvie.
“Good evening,” Mr. Novak announced through a mic pinned on the lapel of his fine, tailored suit. “As you all know, ISAN takes pride in our network. We take pride in sending out our best. We have proven Helix is successful. There will be more incentives coming your way. I know some of you have doubts about our program, but I want you to know we’re highly classified and we’re working under a secret operative group. Nothing we do is illegal. If you wish to leave this project, you are free to go. However, you’ll be sent back to juvenile detention or the same foster care you came from.”
Loud ruckus erupted in the room.
Brooke and I exchanged wearily glances.
His words seemed to answer my concern, as if he knew, or maybe just had good timing.
Mr. Novak raised a hand to stop the commotion. “If you have any questions, please feel free to ask your superiors.” Then he was gone.
The tension in the air eased.
Lydia took over the stage, looking prim and proper as usual. “Starting tomorrow, we’re going to increase the dosage of Helix. If anyone has any kind of reaction, please let me know.”
“Can it kill us?” one girl asked.
“Yes, it can.” Russ raised a hand to silence the murmuring crowd. “Which is the reason we need to be notified. Vomiting, fever, rashes, hot flashes, blurred vision, and restless sleep are some of the side effects. Regardless, I need to be aware so I can help you and treat it immediately.”
Bastard. I recalled Mitch giving me a higher dosage without my consent when I’d gone to terminate Thorpe. But then again, I guessed, being my superior, he didn’t need my permission. He hadn’t warned me about side effects, either. I reasoned he knew I’d be fine. If I found out he’d gambled with my life, I planned to give Mitch a piece of my mind.
“You’re dismissed. Enjoy the rest of your evening. You are allowed to visit your friends until bedtime.” Lydia concluded the meeting.
Everyone dispersed.
Brooke grabbed my arm when I stepped away from her. “Where’re you going?”
I leaned into her. “Meet me in my room in thirty minutes.”
I weaved around others, keeping my head low as I headed to Russ’s office. The door was already ajar, the scent of lavender drifting out.
“Russ?”
“Come in. I was expecting you.”
I scampered in to see Russ at his desk, pouring two cups of water.
“You were expecting me?”
“I figured you would have a lot of questions.” He slid a glass toward me.
I took a seat and folded my hands on my lap. “You know me so well, boss.”
Russ pressed his lips together and cocked an eyebrow. “Don’t call me that. I’m not your boss. I’ll do my best to answer your questions.”
“Justine calls you boss. You don’t seem to mind.”
“It’s different. Justine isn’t my friend. I didn’t bring her into ISAN.”
“Fine.” I furrowed my brow. “Be a good friend and answer my questions honestly. No holding back, because that’s what friends do.” I picked up the glass and took a sip. “What happens to the girls who ask to leave?”
“You already know the answer.” He released a taut breath. “Mr. Novak answered that question tonight.”
So vague. What are you hiding, Russ?
I scooted the chair closer to his desk. “What happened to the girls who died on our mission?”
“They were incinerated. ISAN doesn’t do a ceremony. There will be unfortunate incidents. We move forward.”
“Where’s Roxy? I didn’t see her at dinner.”
“She’s not well. She needs more rest.”
From that answer, I had a feeling in my gut I would never see Roxy again. My confidence diminished. Listening to Russ’s sharp answers, I knew he wouldn’t tell me the truth. Every reply sounded rehearsed.
Russ leaned back in his chair with his arms crossed. “Don’t start asking questions about things you know nothing about. This is bigger than you can comprehend. Now, I think it’s time for you to go.”
I gaped. I didn’t like Russ’s harsh tone or his words. Sometimes he treated me like a friend, and other times he sounded like he didn’t care. I tried to hide my hurt when I rose from my chair and headed for the door.
Russ gripped my elbow, stopping me in my tracks. Then he stepped back, as if he noted he stood too close.
“Ava, have a good rest.” His eyes softened and he lowered his eyelids.
Thinking about what Brooke had said, even though my gut told me I would regret it, I opened my big fat mouth. “One of Mr. Thorpe’s bodyguards was our spy. He killed Roxy’s girls, didn’t he? Or Mitch did? They wanted out and they had to be terminated.”
He bristled and clenched his jaw. It took a few seconds for Russ to meet my eyes.
“That’s not true. I don’t like Mitch, but he’s not a cold-blooded murderer. And ISAN does not kill our own. Please, Ava, for your sake, I’m begging you, don’t ask these questions.”
I scrubbed my face and forced my anger to subside. “I don’t understand why Roxy’s team couldn’t fight back.”
“There are many possibilities. Maybe they needed more training. Maybe I was wrong to think they were ready. I can’t foresee the outcome. I prepared you the best I could, but there are many factors I can’t predict. Maybe—”
“Maybe they needed more Helix. Or got too much. Mitch gave me double the dosage. I didn’t think anything of it until you mentioned the side effects. Something could’ve happened to me during the attack.” I stopped after my voice rose disrespectfully.
“Ava ...” He closed the space between us and rested his hand on my shoulder.
I rolled my shoulders back, causing his hand to slide off. He was not going to soften my rage with tender touches and soft voices.
“I checked your blood sample’s reaction to a high concentration of Helix. It was Mitch’s idea. He was worried the dosage I suggested would not have been enough for you. This was your first kill assignment. You were their map. They relied on you to get them in and out.”
My face flushed. I flicked phantom lint off my shirt just so I could dip my head down to hide my embarrassed expression without making it obvious.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you tested the double dose.”
Russ’s shoulders slacked, seemingly less intense. “No, don’t be. I should’ve told you. But I didn’t think of it until this morning. I had to work fast. I had planned to discuss this matter with you, but I didn’t have a chance. You’re welcome to come see me anytime, but please don’t discuss this with Mitch. He’s not good at answering questions, especially if you are questioning his actions and motives.”
I leaned against the wall. “I won’t. You don’t have to worry.” I was about to leave, but paused. “Have you ever killed anyone before?”
Russ raked his fingers through his hair, and then a few heartbeats later, met my eyes. “Yes. I’ve been on assignments that didn’t go as planned. It was self-defense, just as it was for you. If the question was their lives or yours, I’d rather it be theirs. It gets easier, I promise. Just keep in mind they’re the bad guys.”
“I had double the dosage of Helix, so I wasn’t afraid. There was no hesitation. I didn’t even blink or care I was taking their lives. I probably should feel guilty, but in a way, I don’t remember what happened.”
“Because you were defending yourself and your team. Helix helped you. It’s okay. I hope your session with Vanessa helped. If you need to discuss this more, come see me tomorrow. My door is always open. Have fun Friday night with your team. You need to release some stress. Going out to the real world will help.”
“Yes, boss.” I smirked, knowing how much he disliked me calling him that. Without waiting for his reaction, I left.
* * *
Brooke and Tamara were waiting by my door. Had it been thirty minutes?
“What took you so long?” Brooke scowled, leaning against the wall. Scooting over, she gave me access to place my hand on the scanner. “I brought Tamara with me. She doesn’t have any friends.”
Tamara glared at her. “Thanks, Brooke. You make me sound so popular.”
Brooke raised her hands to surrender and winked. “Just kidding.”
“Welcome to my beautiful home,” I said when the door slid open.
“Love what you’ve done with the place. It’s just like mine.” Tamara giggled.
Brooke pushed a button. The bed slid out from the wall. She glanced around and then plopped down. “Looks just like mine, too. What’d you find out from Russ?”
“You went to see Russ? For what?” Tamara’s eyes widened in surprise.
Great. Thanks, Brooke. I wished Brooke hadn’t brought it up in front of Tamara.
“I asked him what would happen if I wanted to leave ISAN. He said I already knew the answer.”
I sat on my chair and opened my TAB. Not having much to do in my small space, I figured I’d check out the fashion world on the net.
“You want to leave?” Tamara asked timidly.
I put the screen to sleep. Instead of answering, I asked a question. “Let me ask you something. Have you ever thought what your life would be like if you lived somewhere else?”
Tamara twisted her lips and squinted as if in concentration. “Since I have no family, I would be stuck in juvenile detention or in the homeless shelter with a bunch of strangers. At least here I have a roof over my head, food to eat, and I have friends.”
“Brooke?” I asked.
She bobbed her shoulders. “I don’t know. Never thought about it. I don’t know what I would be good at to make a living on my own. I think I’m good at being an assassin. I mean, I know I freaked out, but ... How about you?”
I turned back to the screen and played a section of the Fashion Show. “I think I would’ve loved to be the designer of that dress. I would love to travel the world and live a glamorous life. One day, I know this sounds strange, but I want to be on top of the highest building and see the city lights. I want to feel the breeze and be a part of society. It would make me smile.”
“It all sounds amazing,” Brooke said. “Maybe I could travel with you and hook up with hot models. It’s too early to think about marriage, but maybe I would get married to a model, and we’d build a family together. I would have at least two children, and he would be a great father and husband. I would be a better parent than my foster parents ever were. I would make sure to help my kids with school so they wouldn’t feel stupid. I would give them everything I wish I had.”
“I like your plan, Brooke.” Tamara’s eyes sparkled, as if she pictured her future. Then her face lit up. “I wish for better things for myself, too. I wish I’d had good foster parents who would’ve helped me when my boyfriend beat me. I was alone and had no friends. I’m so glad both of you are nice to me.”
Brooke nudged Tamara’s shoulder. “I’m glad you’re here with us. I’m glad you’re nice, too.”
I smiled to agree, but was mostly surprised at how much we were sharing.
Brooke sat up taller, humor gone. “Did it freak you out to kill someone today?”
Tamara leaned to her side, patting her leg on the mattress. “I’m not sure. I feel bad, but at the same time, it was their lives or mine. I assume after so many kills, you become numb to it. I killed my share this time, but Ava did most of the killing. I think you should ask her that question.”
I stiffened, my eyes bouncing from Tamara to Brooke.
“Ava, do you remember?” Brooke studied me carefully. “You did fall out the window.”
I chewed on my bottom lip, contemplating how to answer. “To tell you the truth, I don’t remember much. I wanted to be out of there.”
I wanted to tell them Mitch had increased my dosage, but I thought it was best they didn’t know. If what they were telling me was the truth about me doing most of the killing, I didn’t want them to think I had morphed into some kind of anomaly. Though a part of me felt like I had. I recalled the overwhelming rage and power pumping in my veins. What if I’d lost it and shot my team?
I didn’t want to think about it anymore. It was done and over with. I wouldn’t be able to bear the gruesome details.
“I think life is about your choices.” Brooke clicked her tongue, seemingly a world away. “What if I hadn’t signed my contract with ISAN? My destiny would’ve led me to a different path.”
Tamara wrinkled her nose, shifting her eyes back and forth. “What if life made you think you had a choice, but instead, the choice you made was really your destiny? Have you thought of that?”
Brooke lifted her brow. “I’d never thought of that. If you’re right, then I was meant to be here. This is where I belong.”
I don’t belong here, I wanted to say.
Something held me back. Like Tamara and Brooke, and Justine, I should want to be there. Something was missing. Maybe destiny had done wrong by me. The hole my mother’s absence had created settled in. I changed the subject to create a more cheerful atmosphere.
Staring at the screen, I pointed at the girl gracefully swaying her hips down the runway like she owned the stage. “It’s too bad I don’t get to wear clothes like that. I’m sick of wearing black, white, and khaki. Doesn’t it bother you?”
Tamara and Brooke exchanged knowing glances, then looked back to me. “No,” they answered in unison.
“At least I’m not naked.” Tamara giggled.
Her bright side cheered me up and unnerved me at the same time.
“Oh, God. I wouldn’t want you to be.” Brooke covered her eyes for emphasis.
“Hey.” Tamara elbowed Brooke.
Brooke fell off the bed. I laughed out loud, and so did my friends. Belly busting laughter rarely happened at ISAN and it felt good ... so freakin’ good. Tamara helped Brooke up, and they planted on my bed again still giggling.
“Have you read any interesting books lately?” Tamara asked. “I started one, but the list they allow us to read sucks.”
“I have to agree with you,” I said. “I started reading about zombies, though.”
“I bet Mr. Novak approved that one. He even looks like one.” Brooke grimaced. “I don’t read much. You shouldn’t ask me.”
“Mr. Boring, straight by the book, dead in romance, and no personality.” I laughed. “Mr. Novak lacks creativity, humor, and action, the components you need for a good read. I read a lot of those before I went to juvenile detention. They were my escape. I wish libraries still existed with paper books. It’s too bad we only have access to digital books.”
“When you come across one, let me know. I held a book once. There’s nothing better than holding a book in your hands.” Tamara hugged herself and inhaled, as if she could actually smell one.
“Well, we would have to visit the museum and I don’t think ISAN would just take us to one so we could admire them.” I shrugged and snorted. “I wish I had tons of money. Only the rich still have books, so I’ve been told. It’s too bad most of the books were burned or destroyed after the meteors.”
I twitched my nose and got back to the fashion show on screen. I stayed alert for any messages. Though the TAB would shut off automatically in five minutes, I prayed Sniper wouldn’t message me. I didn’t know how I would explain it to my team. I trusted Brooke, but I didn’t know Tamara well enough.
My blood pressure rose, so I shut down my TAB. I talked about places I would like to visit one day and the junk food I wanted to try, like chocolate, since ISAN didn’t allow us to have it—if and when I ever got out of ISAN.
“I would like to visit the West, except I don’t like the earthquakes,” Tamara said. “Before my grandmother passed away, she told me it was important to know my roots, because only then can I truly become the person I was meant to be. I think my grandmother wanted me to be a doctor like her. I wonder what she would think of me now.”
Just as Brooke opened her mouth, soft instrumental music echoed in the hallway, signaling curfew.
Tamara pushed off the bed. “Time goes by fast when you’re having fun.”
“Well, until next time.” Brooke got up as well.
“Too bad we don’t get visiting time more often,” I said. “They should make it longer.”
“I agree, but this was fun. Thanks for letting me join in.” Tamara smiled.
Then both of them scurried out.
I recalled how other girls in juvenile detention had envied me when I had been chosen to join ISAN. They had no idea what happened behind closed doors and thought I had been adopted. If only they’d known they had nothing to envy. They were safe, and I wasn’t.
I didn’t know what tomorrow would bring. I figured I should expect a short lifespan if I stayed with ISAN, not that I had a choice. I might be stronger, faster, and better at strategic thinking, but I was no Superwoman.
There were no guarantees I would not die on an assignment, as I had seen firsthand. But it was good to know I wasn’t alone, and I had friends—real friends for the first time.