Uncle John lifts the lid on these toilet tales.
THE $2 MILLION OUTHOUSE
Alberta’s Banff National Park has more than just acres of unspoiled wilderness. As of September 2008, the park is home to what may be the world’s most expensive outhouse. Called the super-biffy (slang in scouting terms for outhouse) by the locals, the bathroom at Lake Minnewanka generates its own power, heat and hot water through solar power collected in panels on the roof. The solar panels also generate electricity that provide light for all those seeking relief, and a battery pack stores electricity on days when there is no sun. You wouldn’t know for the looks of it that it is a deluxe privy. It looks more like a large new barn. Though the building is environmentally progressive, many critics were outraged by the amount spend on a toilet. According to the Calgary Herald it will take 576 years to pay itself off. Visitors have remarked that the stalls are very small, as are the sinks, which are made of plastic. The Calgary Herald and other publications have strongly criticized the outhouse, wondering how it could cost so much for a few urinals, a few washbasins, and a few stalls. Since publicly funded Parks Canada owns the land, the cost especially seems outrageous.
DON’T FLUSH THAT SQUIRREL
In June 2013, a Winnipeg woman was awoken by her dogs barking extra early. She wasn’t sure what was disturbing them at first until she heard a splashing coming from underneath the lid of her toilet. Although she was nervous about looking inside, she flipped the lid and discovered a soaked squirrel clinging for dear life. Angela Campbell had no idea how the furry creature got in there, but she knew she had to react fast to save the critter’s life. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a pair of barbecue tongs. Then, she snagged the water-logged rodent and plopped him in her bathtub. The animal was filthy and smelled horrible, so she gently rinsed the dazed tree-dweller. After the little beast was cleaned up, she grabbed him again with tongs and placed him on her patio, where he scampered back into the wild.
Gopher comes from the French for the rodents’ tunnels: “gaufre gris,” literally “gray waffle.”
Cintas, a Canadian company that provides work uniforms and restroom supplies, holds a Canada’s Best Restroom Contest every year to honor the spiffiest biffy. Some of the “Hall of Fame” crappers:
• The Langely Street Loo, Victoria, British Columbia. This public potty is open to the public and wins high praise for its graffiti-proof coating and “a lit sign that makes it easy to find at night.” We have a nightlight in our bathroom that makes it easy to find, but so far we have not won a toilet Oscar.
• elleven, Toronto, Ontario. This upscale restaurant took the grand prize for a washroom that provides “luxury and an intimate ambience” where guest can “relax and indulge in a private space.” Sounds like a place you may never want to leave.
• The Cactus Club Café, Vancouver, British Columbia. Padded furniture, televisions, glass floor-to-ceiling stall doors, and hardwood walls make this restroom a sexy superstar.
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HEALING HEN
In Newfoundland, historical records recall the tale of a boy whose hand became wounded and infected from a fishing hook. His hand swelled, and a dark color spread up his arm. Although there was no doctor in the area, an old Eskimo woman lived nearby and was known for her healing powers.
When the boy was brought to the old woman, she saw his injury and acted decisively. She cut open his wound where it had healed. She then cut open a live chicken at the beak and inserted the boy’s hand into the chicken. Reports say the dark color drained from his arm. When it completely disappeared the hen died. The boy was made well, and the old woman had the chicken buried so the dogs wouldn’t eat it and swallow the poison that had drained into the chicken.
“I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.” —Britney Spears