Will Ferguson is a humorist and novelist who writes a lot about what it means to be Canadian. Here are some choice bon mots.
“Many Canadian nationalists harbour the bizarre fear that should we ever reject royalty, we would instantly mutate into Americans, as though the Canadian sense of self is so frail and delicate a bud, that the only thing stopping it from being swallowed whole by the U.S. is an English lady in a funny hat.”
“It is considered bad manners to point out to Canadians that, although their country is indeed very large, more than 50% of it is permanently frozen. This is the ‘We burned your fries so we gave you extra’ school of customer satisfaction.”
“More polar bears live in Canada than in the rest of the world combined, which raises the question, why did we choose the beaver as our national emblem? We got stuck with Squirrelly McTeeth.”
“It sure is great being a Canadian. You get to share the material benefits of living next door to the United States, yet at the same time you get to act smug and haughty and morally superior. You just can’t beat that kind of irresponsibility.”
“It is never cold enough for Canadians. Hence the question: ‘Cold enough for ya?’ The inevitable answer being, “Are you kidding? It’s only –50 out. This is nothing. When I was up in Timmins, it was minus 800 jillion, at least.’ Self-deluded regarding their endurance, self-congratulatory in their masochism, Canadians are a breed apart. When it comes to winter, they are legends in their own minds.”
“I read and learned and fretted more about Canada after I left than I ever did while I was home. I ranted and raved and seethed about things beyond my control. In short, I acted like a Canadian.”
“You ever want to negotiate a hostage situation in Quebec, I’m your man. Send me in for a little parley and the francophone miscreants will flee, hands over bleeding ears.”
First major North American city to elect a Muslim mayor: Calgary.