Dean paused beneath the hot summer sun to drag in some deep breaths before he walked over to get a quick drink from the bucket of water he’d set by one of the arena fence posts. He’d been working all day with a new gelding they’d acquired, readying the horse for the vigorous requirements of life on the range, and they both deserved a short break.
The hard work and the mid-August heat compounded to a miserable degree, but Dean welcomed the physical discomfort and mental stress. It kept him from thinking of other things.
From wanting other things.
It had been three weeks since Courtney had ridden away with the Kincaids. Things should have returned to normal by now, but that was not the case.
Jimena had started coming back to the house to cook, but Randall had been doing more and more of the work Dean used to do. Dean allowed it because he knew his brother wanted to stay close to Pilar and little Emilio, but the truth was that Randall was doing a fine job with the administrative tasks. That allowed Dean to spend more time out on horseback, which was the only time he felt he could breathe.
He glanced back at the house and immediately thought of the last time he’d seen her.
After that morning in his bedroom, he’d dressed and gone out to the barn. He hadn’t known what to say to her when everything inside him was resisting the truth he hadn’t been able to deny.
As he suspected, she hadn’t wasted any time in getting ready to leave. He’d hung back, out of sight, while the three of them mounted their horses. Courtney was on Gwen, the mare she’d come to favor during their lessons. He would have gifted the horse to her if he’d had the courage to talk to her. But she’d ended up sending the horse back, only needing it to get to town, where she must have purchased or rented another horse to get her the rest of the way to Helena.
He’d thought watching her ride away that day was the hardest thing he’d ever had to do.
He’d been dead wrong.
Every day since had gotten worse. Just getting up in the morning had become a form of torture. Everywhere he went on the ranch that had been his home and pride from the time he’d been a small boy seemed to be missing something vital.
Her.
Plain and simple, the place was missing Courtney.
He was pathetic. Pathetic and stupid.
Realizing it was too hot to continue working the gelding, he took the horse back to the barn for a good brushing, some water, and well-earned grain.
As he strode back across the yard toward his empty house, he heard the approach of a horse and rider. He knew without turning around who it was. He was almost shocked it had taken this long for Randall to insert his nose into Dean’s business.
Not bothering to stop, Dean continued his long stride. He made it to the house just as Randall pulled his horse up to the hitching rail out front.
“Hiya, Brother. You look like you’ve just been dragged behind a horse.”
Dean ascended the steps up to the porch, craving the bit of shade it provided, before he turned back to Randall. “I was working the gelding.”
“It’s hotter than blazes out here.”
“Which is why I stopped,” Dean replied curtly. “Now, have you got something important to say, or did you just ride over to annoy me?”
Randall grinned. “You do know how I love to annoy you, Big Brother.”
Dean gave a rough snort but didn’t reply. Randall wouldn’t go anywhere until he’d said his piece. The sooner he got to it, the sooner it’d be over.
But the other man didn’t seem to be in much of a hurry.
Randall swung down from his horse and strode over to take a seat on the porch steps. “The jury found Hayes guilty. He’s to be hung.”
Dean felt a small jolt of pity for the man who’d loved Anne so much he’d felt compelled to exact revenge for her death. But then he recalled how Hayes had tried to take Courtney, and all sympathy passed.
“Pilar and Emilio are doing well, if you were wondering. That boy is one good eater.”
Dean had been wondering and he was happy for his brother and his family, but Randall likely knew that. His brother was far more astute than he often let on.
“You know,” Randall said, turning to glance at Dean, “you could come around to visit sometime.”
“I know.”
“Or maybe we should all come by for supper one night like we used to. Maybe tonight.”
“Tonight isn’t good.”
“You can’t hole up over here forever.”
“I ain’t holed up. I’ve just got work to do.”
“Bullshit.”
Dean gave his brother a hard look and waited. Randall didn’t disappoint.
“When the hell are you gonna go after her and bring her back?”
Every muscle in Dean’s body tensed. He’d thought he was prepared for this conversation. He wasn’t. He could barely think of her without feeling like he was falling apart. How the hell was he gonna talk about her? “I’m not.”
“Then you’re even dumber than I thought. And too damn proud and stubborn for your own good.”
Dean clenched his teeth and glanced out over the yard toward the road. He couldn’t think of how many times he’d looked down that road over the last few weeks. He wasn’t sure if he was looking for signs of someone coming, or if he was imagining himself leaving.
“She didn’t want to stay,” he finally replied.
“Bullshit.”
Dean looked at his brother, anger rushing through him. “If she’d wanted to stay, then why didn’t she? She came from finer things, Randall, just like Mother.”
Randall shoved to his feet, his expression one of exasperation. “You’ve gotta be kidding me. Courtney is nothing like Mother.”
“How would you know? You don’t even remember her.”
Randall paused at that, and the two brothers stared hard at each other. Finally, the younger man glanced down before replying, “And I’m damn glad for it too. I wish you’d find a way to forget. Mother’s leaving has been a yoke around your neck for way too long.” He stepped up to Dean, his blue eyes hard and serious. “Now you listen to me good, Big Brother, because I figure I’ll only say this once. Dad died, and our mother left. It happened. It’s over. Granddad made sure you knew how to take care of this ranch, and you’ve been doing a fine job of it. But you’ve run your personal life like shit.”
Dean started to turn away. He didn’t need to listen to this. But Randall caught his arm in a fierce grip. Dean glared at him, but his brother was determined. If Dean didn’t want to send a fist into Randall’s face, he’d have to stand there and hear him out. He ground his teeth and waited for Randall to continue.
“You never loved Anne, and that’s the truth.”
A growl rumbled in Dean’s chest as his hands formed into fists.
“It’s true,” Randal insisted with a stiff jaw. “You didn’t love her like you should have to marry her. She was like a sister to both of us. You only wanted to marry her because that’s what Granddad wanted and because it was convenient. And she knew it.”
Dean jerked his arm out of Randall’s grip and turned away. Years of guilt and anger and fury over the unfairness of life and death pushed through his veins, making him feel like he was on fire.
It was true. All of it.
He strode to the far end of the porch. He considered leaping over the rail and walking away. Away from Randall, the ranch, and all the mistakes he’d made since becoming his own man.
“It was different with Courtney, wasn’t it?”
Randall’s quiet words hit Dean harder than shouting could have.
Because that was true as well.
Everything had been different with Courtney. Life had been different. Better. He had been better. Content. Challenged. Fulfilled.
And now he felt…broken. Lost and half a man.
“Doesn’t matter,” he muttered as he gripped the porch railing in both hands, his grip so tight he could feel splinters jabbing into his palms.
“Of course it does, you dumbass. Go after her.”
Dean turned to face his brother. The fear was too much to keep hidden. “What if she doesn’t feel the same? What if she doesn’t come back? What if she only stays for a while before she decides this life isn’t for her and she walks away?”
He’d been devastated—wrecked—the day his mother chose a life of comfort over her sons. Even Anne had chosen someone other than him.
What if he asked Courtney to choose him and she couldn’t?
“Yeah, maybe that could happen. Bad things happen all the time. But if you don’t even try, you’ll never get the chance to see the good that could happen too. What if she loves you and comes back to stay forever?” Randall countered. “Be bold, Brother. Isn’t she worth the risk?”
His brother’s words hit Dean square in the chest, shocking him with the sudden clarity they invoked.
He’d never been a man to take risks. He’d always preferred to maintain the status quo, especially if he had something to lose.
But where did that get him?
Sure, he could stay here—miserable and empty—believing she didn’t want him. Or he could go out and try to convince her otherwise.
Even if she broke his heart in two, it couldn’t be much worse than how he felt right now, missing her, longing for her, loving her. And if she didn’t love him back…if she couldn’t fathom living out her days as his wife…well, he’d deal with that as it came.
At least he’d know for sure.