Lauren sat in Brad's office, her nails chewed to threads at the wait he had put her through. She’d only been back at work a couple of hours before being summoned, and she suspected that he was pissed about something.
He sat on the other side of the desk, smiling at her as if he pitied her. Lauren swallowed hard, waiting for him to tell her off for something she had no doubt done. She'd never been very good at following rules.
"Lauren, there's something I need to talk to you about. Let me start by saying that it's good to see you back at work; you didn't sound very well on the phone the other morning. What was it? Food poisoning?"
"Something like that," she muttered.
"Look. I've wanted to say something for a while, but not known how to say it. I need to just ask you. Was it excessive drinking at the weekend that made you sick?"
She swallowed hard again. "What makes you ask that?"
He was a funny shade of red, as if his line of questioning was causing him embarrassment. “We all love you. We can all see what you're doing to yourself. I've pretended not to notice the late starts, all the breath mints, sometimes even slurred words when I suspect you're still drunk from the night before. You need to do something about it. Control it before it controls you."
Lauren looked at her lap, picking at the hem of her shirt as he spoke. Her clothing was crumpled today, coming straight from the washing basket instead of being carefully ironed as it usually was. The long black skirt she wore was covered in bits of fluff from the other clothes it had been washed with, and she knew her lack of effort showed.
She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath before responding. Opening her mouth, she tried to find the words, but they wouldn't come. As she fought the tears that were forming she looked up at him, seeing only empathy in his eyes.
"We're family here. I don't want to see you destroy your life. To be honest, I looked the other way for a while after Mark died, but this is just getting too much. If you keep going down the path you seem to have set for yourself, it will ruin your career at the very least."
She nodded. Her relationship with Ethan was already ruined. That had only taken a few months to screw up. Now her job was in danger and she had no idea what to do.
"I'll try harder," she whispered.
“Do you have any support at home? I remember Mark having a partner, is she there for you?"
"Cassie lives in Auckland now. I think I just broke up with my boyfriend. I'm just going through a bad patch right now."
He frowned. "I'm sorry to hear that. I'm more than happy to assist you in finding help."
Lauren nodded. "Thank you."
"Think about it. I'm sure you have more support than you realise."
She went back to her desk, everyone around her seemingly oblivious to her embarrassment. Leaving Ethan that note still weighed heavily on her mind. She’d hitch-hiked back to Auckland, and it was only on her return that she remembered his story about his wife leaving him. Catherine had left a note too.
At the end of the day she went home. The shelf at the back of the garage had collapsed, spilling nails and paint everywhere. All Mark's crap he’d left behind was all over the place, because of a shelf he had never gotten around to fixing.
Lauren sighed, grabbing a rubbish bag to start picking it all up. She crawled around the floor, collecting every last piece.
"Damn you, Mark," she grumbled. The paint would have to wait until later. For the moment it sat on the concrete floor, not going anywhere.
Ditching the rubbish bag in the bin, she went inside the house, flopping on the couch. She sighed as she looked across the room. On the TV cabinet was a photo from Christmas. There was Ethan and Lauren, arm in arm. Cassie had taken it, and she could see the love between them in that photo. It was early, but evident from the looks on their faces. How quickly she'd screwed that up.
Picking up the phone from the coffee table, she dialled Cassie.
"Hello?" Cassie answered the phone.
Why did I not go to her?
"Hi, Cassie."
"Lauren? It's good to hear from you."
Lauren closed her eyes. Hearing Cassie’s voice reminded her of how much she missed her.
"How are things?"
"Can you hang on a second? I just have to put something in the oven."
She put the phone down. Lauren could hear sounds in the background, family sounds. Sophie was chatting to someone, she guessed it was Patrick. It made her ache for them more than ever.
"Sorry, that's the last thing I need to start cooking. I'm all yours for a little while. How are you doing?" Cassie asked.
"I'm fine. I just miss you guys heaps."
"We miss you too. You need to come and see us for a weekend, although these days you'll be more likely to spend time with Ethan, I'm sure."
At her words, Lauren burst into tears.
"Lauren, what's wrong?"
"I broke up with Ethan," she whispered.
"What? Hang on." Cassie asked Sophie and Patrick to take over dinner.
Lauren waited, trying to control her tears. The background noise faded. Cassie had obviously moved to a more quiet spot.
"That's better. Now, tell me what's going on. Are you alright?"
"No," Lauren whispered.
"Oh, Lauren. Tell me what I can do. Do you need me to come down and stay with you for a few days?"
"I don't think so. I'll be alright. I just really needed someone to talk to."
"Of course you did. I'm sure you wouldn't have broken things off if you didn't think it was for the best. Though I can hear how upset you are."
"We were just no good together. He needs someone better than me. Someone who can give him what he needs."
"I'm so sorry. Did he say that? He should be so lucky to find someone as amazing as you. You're such a good person. If he can't see that, then screw him."
Lauren shook her head. "Cassie, it's not his fault. It was my choice. He never said a bad word about me, and he loves me so much. I just can't be who he wants me to be."
Cassie has her own life to worry about. She can't be worrying about mine too.
"Come and stay with us for a few days then, or I'll come down there. We'll sort something out. I hate the idea of you being alone."
"Don't worry about it. I'll sort something out and come and see you soon, I promise."
"I love you, Lauren. Promise me you'll take care of yourself."
"I will," she said, crossing her fingers behind her back. These days she couldn't promise anyone anything.
The dream was back. Lauren fell, always seeing the ground, never hitting it. Just the endless heart-racing feeling that she was about to splatter onto the concrete beneath.
She woke in a sweat, shaking her head to remove the images. The images were gone, but the fear remained. She’d found Ethan who loved her so much, and treated him as badly as his ex-wife had.
In her imagination, she saw him sitting at home, vowing to never speak to her again. Hating her.
"Please forgive me," she whispered, struggling not to cry. "I never meant to hurt you. I just wanted to be happy."
He wasn't at fault in any way; it was all her. Sometimes she wondered if she was looking for a replacement for Mark. Someone to step in and protect her, care for her, be upfront with her about her behaviour. Ethan did all those things and she adored him.
Yet I screwed everything up.
Lauren rolled onto her side, staring at the wall until she was too tired to keep her eyes open. Now she added a broken heart to the mix of her screwed-up life. This wouldn't be easy.