Teach Them to Make Their Own Pacts
When my daughter was five years old and already insisting on “iPad time” with unrelenting protests, my wife and I knew we had to act. After we all calmed down, we did our best to respect her needs in the way Richard Ryan recommends: we explained, as simply as we could, that too much screen time comes at the expense of other things.
As a kindergartner, she was learning to tell time, so we could explain that there was only so much of it for things she enjoyed. Spending too much time with apps and videos meant less time to play with friends at the park, swim at the community pool, or be with Mom and Dad.
We also explained that the apps and videos on the iPad were made by some very smart people and were intentionally designed to keep her hooked and habitually watching. It’s important that our kids understand the motives of the gaming companies and social networks—while these products sell us fun and connection, they also profit from our time and attention. This might seem like a lot to teach a five-year-old, but we felt a strong need to equip her with the ability to make decisions about her screen usage and enforce her own rules.
It was her job to know when to stop because she couldn’t rely upon the app makers or her parents to tell her when she’d had enough.
We then asked her how much screen time per day she thought was good for her. We took a risk by giving her the autonomy to make the decision for herself, but it was worth a shot.
Truthfully, I expected her to say, “All day!” but she didn’t. Instead, armed with the logic behind why limiting screen time was important and with the freedom to decide in her hands, she sheepishly asked for “two shows.” Two episodes of a kid-appropriate program on Netflix is about forty-five minutes, I explained. “Does forty-five minutes seem like the right amount of screen time per day for you?” I sincerely asked. She nodded in agreement, and I could tell by the hint of a smile that she felt she had gotten the better end of the deal.
As far as I was concerned, forty-five minutes was fine with me, as it left plenty of time for other activities. “How do you plan to make sure you don’t watch for more than forty-five minutes per day?” I asked. Not wanting to lose the negotiation that she clearly felt she was winning, she proposed using a kitchen timer she could set herself. “Sounds good,” I agreed. “But if Mommy and Daddy notice you’re not able to keep the promise you made to yourself and to us, we’ll have to revisit this discussion,” I said, and she agreed.
This is an example of how even young children can learn to use a precommitment. Today, as a spirited ten-year-old, my daughter is still in charge of her screen time. She’s made some adjustments to her self-imposed guidelines as she’s grown, such as trading daily episodes for a weekend movie night. She’s also replaced the kitchen timer with other tools; she now calls out to Amazon’s Alexa to set a timer to let her know when she’s reached her limit. The important thing is that these are her rules, not ours, and that she’s in charge of enforcing them. Best of all, when her time is up, it’s not her dad who has to be the bad guy; it’s her device telling her she’s had enough. Without realizing it, she entered into an effort pact, as described in part four.
Many parents want to know if there is a correct amount of time kids should be allowed to spend on their screens, but no such absolute number exists. There are too many factors at play, including the child’s specific needs, what the child is doing online, and the activities that screen time is replacing. The most important thing is to involve the child in the conversation and help them set their own rules. When parents impose limits without their kids’ input, they are setting them up to be resentful and incentivizing them to cheat the system.
It’s only when kids can monitor their own behavior that they learn the skills they need to be indistractable—even when their parents aren’t around.
These strategies are no guarantee of parent-child domestic harmony. In fact, we should expect to have heated discussions about the role technology plays in our homes and in our kids’ lives, just as many families have fiery debates over giving the car keys to their teens on a Saturday night. Discussions and, at times, respectful disagreements are a sign of a healthy family.
If there is one lesson to take away from this section, and perhaps this entire book, it’s that distraction is a problem like any other. Whether in a large corporation or in a small family, when we discuss our problems openly and in an environment where we feel safe and supported, we can resolve them together.
One thing is for certain: technology is becoming more pervasive and persuasive. While it’s important our kids are aware that products are designed to be highly engaging, we also need to reinforce their belief in their own power to overcome distraction. It’s their responsibility, as well as their right, to use their time wisely.
REMEMBER THIS
• Don’t underestimate your child’s ability to precommit and follow through. Even young children can learn to use precommitments as long as they set the rules and know how to use a timer or some other binding system.
• Consumer skepticism is healthy. Understanding that companies are motivated to keep kids spending time watching or playing is an important part of teaching media literacy.
• Put the kids in charge. It’s only when kids practice monitoring their own behavior that they learn how to manage their own time and attention.