CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

Jake brushed an ant off the picnic table and helped Didi pack up the remains of lunch. “Any more brownies in that basket?”

“Uh-huh. You don’t think I left them all at Higher Ground, do you?” Didi handed him a napkin with a fudgy brownie on top.

“Thanks, honey. Ready to head for the top of the falls?”

“Onward and upward.”

Jake swallowed his brownie in two bites, stretched, and carried the picnic paraphernalia back to the SUV. They swiped some water bottles from the cooler and headed out.

Jake and Didi meandered hand in hand by the lake and passed by dozens of other day-trippers, sunning themselves by the water’s edge. Watchful parents looked on while boisterous children splashed on the shore, and anglers on the opposite bank cast their lines into the rippling water. The sizzle of charcoal-grilled hotdogs and hamburgers at the snack bar drew a hungry crowd ready to trade dollars for a tasty, all-American feast. Overall, it was a delightful day—that is, for everyone but Jake Montgomery.

Jake and Didi left the lakeside path and started up the side of the mountain on a gradually sloping trail. The recent rains left mud puddles here and there, but the pools were easily avoided with some fancy footwork. As they climbed, Jake grew more and more apprehensive. He wanted to talk to Didi—no, he needed to talk to Didi—but at the same time, he dreaded telling her what he had to say.

They hiked in silence on a fragrant carpet of pine needles, but Didi didn’t seem to mind the hush. As they walked, she often tarried to sniff the wildflowers or gaze with interest at an iridescent butterfly. As they neared the top of the mountain, a majestic monarch soared inches above Jake’s head. They watched in astonishment as the vibrant creature hovered, coming to rest gently on his left shoulder.

“Hey. What are you? The butterfly whisperer?” Didi stepped back and pretended to eye him with a critical gaze. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look so handsome. A butterfly on your shoulder should be part of your daily ensemble.” She sighed as the monarch fluttered off. Jake kissed the very tip of her nose and drew her into his arms. He needed to hold her. They stood together on the mountain, under oaks and evergreens. A woodpecker high above their heads pecked at a hollow tree. Resting his head on her shoulder, Jake drew strength from the light, delicate scent of her perfume and her warm, affectionate touch.

Breaking their embrace, they continued on the last leg of their journey. As they reached the trail’s summit, Jake gripped Didi’s hand, helping her climb up over scattered rocks and a fallen tree. They broke through a gap in the trees to the edge of the river right above the falls. Crystalline torrents fell in sheets, sparkling water droplets, and shimmering spray cascading to misty pools below.

Didi gasped. “Oh, Jake, it’s so beautiful.” She stood at the riverbank and clapped her hands like a gleeful child. “It’s another world up here—like a fairy tale. I wouldn’t be shocked if any second now, Bambi and Thumper or Snow White and the Seven Dwarves came strolling through the forest.”

Jake chuckled. He was charmed by the joyful expression on her face. He’d found he could often tell what Didi was thinking, and he loved that about her. He didn’t have to guess if she was angry or upset. He’d seen her upset—at Kevin—and he’d seen her mad—again, Kevin. Her face was an open book, and Jake never had to agonize over whether he was making her happy. Her wide hazel eyes revealed all. “I know what you mean. This is a magical place. Are you up for more adventure?”

Didi shot him a bemused look. “What did you have in mind?”

Jake pointed toward a large boulder in the middle of the water with sage colored moss growing on one side. “You see that big, craggy rock over there? The one that sort of looks like a green pyramid with a flat top?”

“Yes. Why?” Didi narrowed her eyes.

“That’s where we’re headed. Behold, Jacob’s Rock.”

“You’ve got to be kidding. Do you not see the roiling water gurgling at our feet? Do you not see the fast moving current? Do you not see the slippery rocks between here and there?” Didi turned and pointed at a prominent sign posted on a sugar maple to their left. “And what about that?” In bold letters, the sign proclaimed Warning! Dangerous currents! “I direct your attention to the word ‘Dangerous.’” She shook her head in disbelief. “Nope. No way, no how I’m going to swim, wade, or paddle over to Jacob’s Rock.”

Jake smirked. “Is that a definite no? ’Cause it sounded like a definite no to me.”

“It is, indeed, a definite no. Why don’t we pick a rock that’s a touch more accessible?”

“Well, okay. We’ll do it your way.” Secretly, he was happy she wasn’t up for the challenge—or she had more brains than to risk the treacherous currents. Smart girl. The river was much higher than when he’d been here a month ago, and most of the rocks he’d used to make his way to his favorite boulder were completely submerged. On second thought, he wouldn’t have taken his girlfriend out there anyway. The trek looked dangerous this time. “Let’s head over to that rock closer to land.” Jake pointed to a small, easily reachable boulder near the top of the falls.

“That I can handle.”

With cautious steps, they picked their way over the debris by the edge of the churning water. As he trudged along, each step increased the heaviness of his spirit. By the time they reached the chosen rock, he’d begun to sweat. He’d been holding on to his private torment for over a year, and it was eating him up inside. It was time to tell someone, and he hoped Didi would understand.

He helped her over a wet stepping stone and up onto the flat boulder. They sat down to a breathtaking view of the world. Twin robins darted overhead, catching updrafts on the wing and whirling with abandon. Striped bass and trout swam in the chilly water, dappled scales glinting as they zigzagged in the shallows. Other hikers navigated the rocks at the base of the falls, while a dozen or so trekkers gazed up at the cataracts from below. A hush settled over the pair as they rested side by side on the warm, smooth rock.

They remained silent and drank in the wildness of the waterfall. Jake did his best to hold onto the marvel of a May afternoon. He failed miserably, and the silence hung heavy.

Tentatively, Didi reached over and, with eyes full of tenderness, brushed a stray strand of hair from his eyes. “What is it, sweetheart? What’s on your mind?”

This was going to be harder than he’d thought. “It’s difficult to talk about. I’ve never told anyone. Not even my therapist.”

Didi’s brow creased. “Jake, you can tell me anything.” She waited for him to speak.

Jake nodded, but unable to face her, he stared at the foaming water instead. He groaned from deep within his soul. After a slight pause, he croaked out, “I think Victoria committed suicide, and it’s all my fault.”

* * *

Didi’s heart broke for the dear man sitting next to her. She slid a hair’s-breadth closer to him and winced as he shrank back in retreat. She wanted to reach out to him, let him to know she was there to support him, tell him she cared deeply about his suffering. But she held herself in check. Instead, she let him withdraw into himself and shudder all alone with grief. He had to work out the pain by himself. As much as she wanted to, she couldn’t change that. At least now she understood.

They sat in stillness as the water rushed by. When at last he turned his anguished face to hers, she stayed silent and let him find his way. Her father had been a quiet, sensitive man. Over and over again, she’d observed her mother giving him space and time—time to think, time to process, and time to make the right decisions. Jake’s temperament was a great deal like her dad’s. She wanted to give him the same courtesy.

Jake’s muscles tensed as he hunched his shoulders. Reaching out her hand to him, she rested her fingers on his upper back. His ragged breathing slowed. Hesitantly, he took her hand, holding it against his cheek.

He was back. Didi exhaled, breathing again with relief.

With a sigh, Jake unburdened. “After we got engaged, I urged Victoria to see a therapist. She…she didn’t know how to be affectionate. She’d let me hug her and kiss her some, but she didn’t really like to be touched. At first, I thought she wanted to be chaste, and if that were the reason, I would have been fine with it. But that wasn’t the case. It went much deeper than that. Didi, she was afraid to be touched.”

He turned toward her, and his voice cracked. “We couldn’t get married like that, could we? For her sake as well as mine. Right? We couldn’t get married like that.” For the first time in several minutes, Jake looked straight at Didi. His eyes were haunted, and he seemed desperate for an answer.

She inhaled a deep lungful of woodsy air then answered with care. “You’re right, Jake. You couldn’t get married under those circumstances. I’m sure you only wanted to help her.” Didi had no doubts on that.

“Yes.” His eyes shone with relief, and the sharp crinkle of his brow eased. “Yes, I wanted to help her. Victoria was reluctant to talk to anyone, but we found a good female counselor she trusted. I thought everything was going well, but then after several sessions, Victoria gradually remembered a trauma she’d been suppressing. When she was a teenager, her parents went to Bali for two weeks and left her with her aunt and uncle.” Jake drew his legs to his chest and wrapped his arms around his knees. “Her uncle molested her—every single night—while her aunt slept peacefully down the hall.”

He trembled, and Didi’s heart went out to him.

“She was barely thirteen and starting to develop. She told…she told me he would tell her how pretty she looked. He called her ‘voluptuous Vicky.’ He’d tell her how sexy and enticing she was and that she was his ‘Vicky the vamp.’” Jake’s voice rose with revulsion as he spat out the words. “He would touch her and whisper in her ear that she was ‘velvety Vicky with the soft, creamy thighs.’”

He flung a handful of pebbles into the water. “After fourteen hellish days, Victoria went back home, forever changed. She hated the name ‘Vicky,’ she detested her healthy teenage body, and she loathed her womanly thighs. Vowing to stay skinny, she quit eating anything more than the bare minimum and wore baggy clothes. That filthy beast had threatened her and made her promise not to talk to her parents, and oh, did she obey.” Jake’s lips twisted. “I don’t think she ever told her mom and dad. Victoria…well, Victoria just wanted to forget. She wanted to disappear.”

“She told you all of this when she began to remember?” Didi asked gently.

“Yes, but it took quite some time. Slowly, she began to trust me enough to tell me bits and pieces. I remember it was a few days before Christmas when she ultimately told me everything.”

“You were a very caring fiancé, Jake,” Didi murmured. Her admiration for him grew minute by minute.

“I wanted her to get better. We were considering a wedding in May. She seemed to want to work through it, and she was opening up and acting like she looked forward to the future.” Jake shook his head. “But maybe that’s all it was—an act. I thought she was making progress, but I must have been wrong.”

“Progress?” She didn’t want to press him, but she did want to keep him talking. He seemed to need it.

“Yes. Victoria was painfully thin, but she’d begun to eat more. She put on a few pounds and ate a few bites of pecan pie at Christmas. Now, that was progress.” Jake paused and curled his arm around her, pulling her closer. “Just so you know, Didi, it’s nice to be with a girl who can eat a brownie now and then.”

He kissed the palm of her hand. “I went with Victoria for a few of her therapy sessions, and we worked on holding hands in public. That was something very important to me. We read some books together on communication and another on love languages. By the way, my love language is kinesthetic—I’m a toucher—in case you hadn’t guessed that already. That made her rejection particularly hard to take. Anyway, it was nearing Valentine’s Day, and I did something foolish.”

Sorrow etched Jake’s face, and his voice dropped. “We were getting married in three months, and it was way past time we had a heart-to-heart on sex. I tried to be gentle. I really thought I was being gentle. I said I would give her all the time in the world, but I had needs too. I told her we should go to couples counseling, and I even said it was a non-negotiable.” His voice lowered even further. “I can’t believe I used those words: ‘Non-negotiable.’” His chin sank to his chest. “I think the thought terrified her.”

Didi dreaded what was coming next.

“We had plans for Valentine’s Day. I’d made dinner reservations. I had a gift and a card. I wanted it to be a special day—very romantic. A few days before Valentine’s Day, Victoria called my home phone when I was at school. I didn’t get the message until that evening. She told me she needed to get away for a few days and she was going to her mom’s cabin. She asked me to take care of Lucy. I tried to call her cell after I got the message, but she wouldn’t pick up.” Jake brushed moisture from his eyes.

“I went over to her apartment to feed the cat. She’d left me a note on the kitchen table, next to the Fancy Feast.” Jake gulped. “The note was short. She wrote I love you, but I can’t marry you. Please, forgive me. I have to end this. I tried calling again and again, but she wouldn’t answer.” Another fistful of pebbles landed with a splash in the river. “I never saw her alive again.”

They sat for a time in heavy silence. His breath hitched, and Didi’s heart lurched. “Around midnight, the police came to break the news of the crash. Her car was found wrapped around a tree near Deep Creek Lake. Victoria was already gone when someone found her.” Jake scrubbed a hand through his hair and squeezed his eyes shut.

Didi put her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes, too. The river roared as it crashed on the rocks. Everything—the fish, the birds, the people—were the same as they had been ten minutes ago. Everything except the two of them. Jake’s heartache seeped into every pore of her skin.

“Oh, Jake, I’m so, so sorry. Maybe the note didn’t mean what you think. Maybe it was an accident. What did the police say?”

“There was no evidence either way. The roads were icy, and the officer said her Toyota must have skidded out of control. The car crashed into a tree head-on.” He shuddered. “She was killed instantly.”

Didi gazed into the roiling water and contemplated her answer carefully. “If the police thought it could be an accident, maybe they were right. You mentioned there was ice on the road. Maybe she couldn’t stop. What if it was all a horrible tragedy?”

“I’ve been wrestling with that question for over a year now. I’ve looked at this every which way I can, and I keep coming back to the same thing. If she did decide to end it all, I’m to blame. I shouldn’t have pushed her. I should have been more tolerant. I should have been willing to live the rest of my life without sex, if I had to, to save her from the pain.”

Didi couldn’t imagine his suffering, and somehow it hit her so much harder when the story was coming from him instead of Lori. Ever since the accident, he’d been floundering in despair, trying to make sense of something so utterly senseless. He related the rest of the story. The police had come to inform him they’d found her mangled car. Much of that night would always be a painful blur. With arms folded, he told her how he’d driven up to the hospital near Deep Creek to identify her body. Days later, his mind had still been so fuzzy that he hardly remembered the funeral.

He recounted the shame that had overtaken him when he’d had to deal with Victoria’s parents and sister. Thinking he might be responsible for Victoria’s death had shredded his heart. He hadn’t known if it was right to voice his suspicions. After a great many sleepless nights, he’d decided to keep his fears concerning her suspected suicide to himself. There had been no need to burden anyone else, and he’d wanted her family to remember the best about Victoria. The crushing weight of uncertainty had landed squarely on him alone.

Didi slung both arms around Jake’s neck, their foreheads touching. They sat in silence in the sun while Didi tried her best to think of something to say. How to respond to a soul that harbored such torment? Over a year had passed since he’d lost Victoria. Maybe she could get through to him. He couldn’t be held accountable for someone else’s actions. Even if Victoria had chosen to end it all, he didn’t deserve to carry this burden of guilt.

“Sweetheart, I can’t imagine anyone being more patient than you. No one on earth would have waited even as long as you did—cared as much as you did. You went out with her for years. That’s a very long time to get precious little affection. I know you loved her dearly, and you wanted the very best for her.” Jake’s muscles loosened. “What Victoria endured when she was young was appalling—truly heartrending. I feel awful for her. I can’t imagine what she went through. She needed help—real help from real professionals—and you got her the help she so desperately needed. But if she did decide to leave this world despite everything you did for her, you’re not to blame.”

Didi’s voice strengthened but was still coated with emotion. “Victoria was confused, or ill, or so depressed she couldn’t think straight. You can’t be held responsible for her actions, no matter what she did or didn’t do.” Didi softened her tone. “It’s not your fault, Jake.” She nudged his chin to face her and clasped both of his hands in hers. “Honey, it’s not your fault.”

As if on cue, a graceful butterfly circled around their heads, dipping low on the gentle breeze. The delicate creature seemed to take pleasure in a joyful dance on puffs of wind. In due course, it alighted without a sound on Jake’s wrist. The beating of pristine white wings slowed to a stop, and the butterfly froze, suspended in time.

Jake lips stretched into a smile for the first time in ages. He exhaled and stilled. Didi fervently hoped that the butterfly whisperer was breathing in a measure of forgiveness and breathing out the jagged air of condemnation.

Jake raised a hand in farewell as a May zephyr lifted the ephemeral creature up, up into the blue. Didi prayed with all her heart his troubles would follow.