CHAPTER FORTY-TWO

Didi tottered from the guest bedroom in her mom’s house out to the living room. She carried a pillow, a blanket, and a book, but she didn’t feel like reading, and she was tired of resting. She’d been out of the hospital for a week, and while she appreciated her mother’s kindness in letting her stay, she’d rather have been in her own place. She wanted to go home and get on with life.

Saturday mornings buzzed at Floral Creations, and after a bit of persuading, Didi had convinced her mom to quit hovering and go off to work. Miss Maisie was having a fine time bird watching from a nearby window, and Didi was glad somebody was having a good day. She did her best to enjoy some peace and quiet, but inside she was heavyhearted. Something was wrong with Jake. Or rather, something was wrong with her and Jake. Or…well, she didn’t know what to think.

Last Saturday, Jake had loaded her up in his SUV, tenderly settling her into her mom’s house. Since then, she’d seen less and less of him as the week had gone by. Sure, he’d stop by most evenings, but he didn’t stay long. For some reason, he didn’t seem to want to be alone with her. In fact, the night before, he’d been distracted the entire visit and had kissed her on the cheek when he’d left. On the cheek.

Didi was scared. Jake was pulling away, and she didn’t know why.

Gingerly, she swung her feet up on the couch and rested her head on a fluffy cushion. Her head still ached, but she’d been told this was normal. The pain medicine was a huge help, and she’d tapered down to one pill a day, but the ache never quite went away. Still, thank God for painkillers and for doctors and nurses who knew what they were doing. The dead tree branches had done a lot of damage to her scalp, but she’d been assured that when her hair grew back, it would cover the scars. Someday all of this would be a distant memory. Or would it?

She’d been stuck in Frederick General for six long days, but she’d needed to be there. The infection had taken several days to abate, and all she’d wanted to do was sleep. Knowing that Kevin was safely caged had given her peace of mind, and having Jake by her side when she’d fallen asleep at night had helped her to sleep sweetly.

She looked down at her needle-pricked left arm. How had she ever been able to launch those roses into the air? At the time, she’d barely been able to raise her head, but the Lord had given her the strength. When Jake had chased Kevin from the room, she’d prayed with everything she had. The minutes until he’d returned had never seemed so long.

She’d been astounded to see Brian follow him into the room. Brian said he hadn’t really done anything much, but God had surely sent him.

Jake’s ragged ear had been stitched up, and he didn’t seem to mind there would always be a tiny piece missing. Nurse Angela had joked that his notched ear would be a good conversation starter, and they’d all had a good laugh.

Didi was very grateful for what he’d done. His actions had saved her life, and life had been good—except for the throb in her head and the awful ache in her shoulder, but those annoyances would go away with time. Was Jake also planning to go away?

Uneasy, Didi slid lower on the couch, trying in vain to get comfortable. Wincing, she moaned as a jolt of pain stabbed at her shoulder. Still, her broken arm didn’t bother her much anymore, all of her stitches were out, and her black eye had graduated from indigo to various shades of plum and chartreuse. She was making progress.

She’d asked Jake to stop by while her mother was out, and he was due to arrive within the hour. She needed the whole truth, no matter how much it hurt, and she suspected it was going to hurt a great deal. She tried reading to distract herself—the romance novel she’d been devouring was a real page-turner—but today she had trouble following the lines on the page. Giving up, she turned on the TV and stared blankly at the screen. There was nothing to do but wait.

Eventually, the doorbell rang, and she called out, “Come in, Jake.” She’d unlocked the door in anticipation of his visit before she’d settled on the sofa. Every step of the long trip to the front door required painful effort, and she wasn’t up to moving around much yet.

Jake appeared in the room, and Didi’s heart pounded at the sight of him. She’d always found him outstandingly attractive. Tall with broad shoulders, narrow hips, and strong arms, he was a handsome sight to behold. And those gorgeous baby blues of his…she could get lost in those eyes. The most beautiful thing about him, though, was his tender heart—at least where she was concerned. Jake was the whole package. When his arms were around her, he made her feel warm, safe, and loved. Now, one glance at Jake’s face told her what she didn’t want to know. The only question was why.

“Hi, Didi.” He looked past her, his gaze trailing into the distance. “Mind if I sit down?”

“Please.” Didi tried to smile but failed miserably. They were talking like two strangers.

Jake sat on the edge of the chair on the other side of the room.

“Thanks for coming,” Didi said softly. Their conversation had always been so effortless. Now their easy romance had flown out the window.

An uncomfortable smile skimmed across his lips, and then his gaze hit the floor. “I’m not sure how to begin.”

“Please, just tell me,” Didi whispered. “I don’t have a clue how you’re feeling, but I know I love you. What’s wrong?”

“Everything’s wrong.” Jake pushed a hand through his hair. “I’m not sure who I’m supposed to be anymore, I don’t know where I’m supposed to be, and I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to be doing.” Jake fisted his hands until his knuckles turned white. “I’ve reached a crossroads, and I have to decide which way to go. I wasn’t put on Earth to be a history teacher, as much as I love it sometimes. That still, small voice inside me says the Almighty has other plans for me. Remember when I told you He’d called me to the ministry? It’s time I stopped running.”

Jake frowned, frustration etched into the lines of his face. He gripped the arms of the chair and continued. “The problem is it isn’t fair to keep you hanging on while I figure this out. Since I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to get there. I’m starting all over again, and to put it simply, I have to offer everything up to God. That ‘everything’ means you, too.”

Jake’s face caved in. “Didi, I need to do this. Do you see? If I don’t do what I know I’m supposed to do this time, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. I told God that whatever he had planned, I was ready.” Jake exhaled slowly, a stricken expression darkening his face. “But wherever I go, I have to go there alone.”

Didi’s insides coiled into a hard knot as if she’d been punched in the stomach. The anguish that surged through her was so much worse than anything she’d ever experienced with Kevin. She could hardly breathe. Jake was her hero. Though she hadn’t known him very long, she trusted him with her life. Maybe she shouldn’t have fallen so fast, but she’d dared to pin her hopes and dreams on him. She couldn’t bear to let him go.

“Are you sure? Are you sure you have to do this alone?” Didi’s lip trembled at the words. Why did this man have to do everything on his own? They’d been so good together. It didn’t seem fair.

Jake’s chin fell to his chest and he sighed heavily. “Yes. I’m sure. God’s calling me to do this, and I need the time to focus on it. It could be months or years, but I have to do this. If God means for us to be together, He’ll work it out, but I don’t want to hold you back from what He has for you.”

He meant what he said. She had only to look at his face to know he was suffering as much as she was. His tortured features left no room for doubt as to what was in his soul.

He looked up, and his gaze met hers. “I’ve thought about a great many things this week. I wondered why we met if this wasn’t going to be forever, but I like to think I was sent to help you deal with Kevin. I know you’ve helped me to move past Victoria. Didi, I don’t understand all the whys, but I do believe that, at least for a time, God wanted us to be together.” His voice broke as he labored to get the words out. “Now I know I have to let you go.”

Silent tears dripped down Didi’s face as she scanned his angst-ridden face. “But I don’t want to let you go,” she whispered.

Jake stood and trudged to the couch. “Honey, this is as hard for me as it is for you, but it’s what we need to do.” He knelt on the floor next to her and looped his arms around her. For one last time, he let her cry on his shoulder as his gentle fingers stroked her hair.

As Didi sobbed, her heart splintered into a million pieces. Still, she found some comfort in his arms. He held her gently, and his body shuddered. Jake kissed her tenderly on the forehead and plodded to the front door. He paused, inhaled, and squared his shoulders. With a quiet turn of the doorknob, he opened the door and closed it behind him with a soft click. He didn’t look back.

Despite the jolt of pain to her injured body, Didi ran to the front window. With tears trickling down her cheeks, she watched as the man she loved climbed into his SUV and drove out of her life. Breathing ragged breaths, she stumbled back to her bedroom and collapsed on the bed. She couldn’t imagine life without Jake. She squeezed her pillow tight and cried herself to sleep.

* * *

A few hours later, a stray beam of afternoon sunlight crept through the window blinds, landing softly on her face. How could she have been so blind? With a shock, it hit her. She’d done it again. Had she learned nothing?

She’d pole-vaulted from the disastrous relationship with Kevin into having a real connection with Jake. The sad thing was both relationships centered on her—her needs, her hopes, her dreams, and her future. Had she ever stopped to consider what God wanted her to do? She’d told herself she’d prayed about it, but had she listened for an answer?

She slipped from the bed onto her knees. Dear Lord, I’ve really messed up. I’ve been going my own way again. I’m sorry for not listening and for making a man—even a good man—my first priority instead of You. Please forgive me. Teach me how to listen for Your voice, and show me what to do next. I haven’t got a clue.

As she was praying, it dawned on her she cared more about Jake’s grief than her own. That was real love. His heart was breaking too. The depth of his misery hurt her far worse than her own ailing heart. If she had to sacrifice her own happiness for his, she would. She would let him go.

Also, God, please be with Jake today and every day. He wants so much to follow You and do Your will. Mend his broken heart, lead him, guide him, and hold him close. As much as I love him, I know You love him more. And, God? If we’re supposed to be together, please make it abundantly clear to both of us. Thank you. In Jesus’s name, amen.

She opened her eyes and caught a glimpse of the get-well card and porcelain cat on the bedside table. She remembered when Jake had given them to her in the hospital—and how his simple gifts of love had warmed her heart. Picking up the card, she smiled at the picture on the front—a forlorn tabby cat with a Band-Aid on her paw. Inside, Jake had penned the words, Didi, when Brian told me I’d almost lost you, the bottom dropped out of my world and I realized how much you meant to me. I knew I loved you, but I had no idea how much. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I will love you always. Jake

On that miserable day, when she’d seen his face and read his beautiful words, her heart had soared and her eyes had filled with happy tears. She was sure he’d meant every word, and she felt the same way. The delicate roses he’d given her, while exquisite, were ephemeral. These treasured words…these she would hold close and keep locked away down deep.

She clutched the china cat and placed the card under her pillow. Maisie had been nestled at the foot of the bed for hours, and Didi invited her to cuddle up next to her. She tucked the purring cat under her arm, closed her eyes, and waited for the sorrow to ease. She’d have a very long wait. She missed Jake already.

* * *

Sick at heart, Jake drove away from the woman he’d always dreamed of marrying. He’d come close to losing it when he’d held her and touched her tears. With every stride toward that door, he’d wanted to turn around, take back all of his brave words, and hang on to the woman he cherished. Instead, he’d done the right thing for both of them. At least, he hoped so.

The entire week had been horrible. He’d been dreading having “the talk” with Didi every single second. He’d known what he had to do—there was no question after reading that wretched book of Jonah—but he couldn’t leave Didi while Kevin was still on the loose. And then he couldn’t leave her while she was in the hospital. Now that she was safe and out of harm’s way, he’d done what he had to do. Leaving Didi had been excruciating, but he’d followed the path he should have been on many years ago.

Since the accident, she’d had a constant stream of friends in to see her, both in and out of the hospital, and she had many people to love and care for her. More importantly, Didi could take care of herself. As much as she loved him and as much as she would miss him, she’d be okay in the end. Her faith was strong, and she would cope.

Jake suspected he was the one who would suffer the most.

Tomorrow, he had a meeting with the principal at school. The decent thing to do was to warn Dr. Harsha he might not be coming back to teach next year. He was going back to graduate school, but where? He had no idea. The thought was unsettling, and Jake prided himself on always having a plan. He was never satisfied with “nearly perfect” or “good enough.” If he thought things through, worked out all of the details, did the sensible, practical thing, he’d be all right. At least, that’s what he’d believed up ’til now. Had his need to have everything all sewn up held him back?

The lease on his house was up on July 31. He’d been waiting for an answer, but he was running out of time. Like the disciples in the book of Acts, he prayed and waited for direction. Being totally dependent on God was uncharted territory for him. He’d have to learn how to trust—something he wasn’t good at—but he was willing to learn. He hoped God was pleased with his willingness.

As he turned into his driveway, Jake sighed when he spotted Lucy in the front window waiting for him. He wasn’t completely alone, but a furry feline didn’t cut it when he wanted his girlfriend—or at least, the incredible woman who used to be his girlfriend.

Dejected, he unlocked the door and trudged into the house. He crumpled into his favorite chair and buried his head in his hands.

It was over, and he missed her already.