CHAPTER 15

gray: girlfriend

We had done it. We had made it through our first grown-up, in-public, real live outing. And we had survived. Hell, we had thrived.

“I think it’s fair to say that I did something pretty great for you this afternoon. Right?” Andrew asked.

I smiled and kissed him lightly on the lips. “I think that’s fair to say. And I know just how to repay you.” I raised my eyebrows and pulled him in closer.

He smiled down at me. “Oh, I’m very aware of that. But I have a suggestion of my own.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Yeah? What’s that?”

“Well, we always stay at your house…”

I backed away. “Listen, babe, I adore you. But I’m not going to go stay with a bunch of twentysomething boys.”

He laughed. “Is this how little you know about me? I’m staying at my parents’ house for the summer. It’s big and beautiful and right on the beach.”

It was a bad sign that I didn’t even know where the kid lived. I’d give him that. But that was mainly because when I was with him on my weeks without Wagner, he was basically living with me.

“Okay. Are there dishes piled in the sink? Towels piled on the floor? Dirty underwear piled in the corner?”

He laughed. “(A) no. And, (b) if it weren’t for Diana, you would have all that stuff at your house.”

He wasn’t wrong.

He kissed me. “I know the sound is beautiful, but I sure would love to spend a night with you falling asleep to the crash of the waves on the shore. We can take a midnight stroll on the beach.… The stars are beautiful, and it’s very, very isolated.…”

I laughed, finally getting the picture. “Aha. So, you don’t care about my staying at your house. You’re looking for a little on-the-beach action.”

He pulled me in suggestively. “Maybe the dunes? On the Cape?”

We both started laughing.

“It’s a bucket list item.”

I nodded. “Okay. I do owe you. But I’ll warn you, it’s not as glamorous and romantic as it might seem. There’s a lot of sand, and it gets in some pretty uncomfortable places.”

He looked at me in faux astonishment. “Why, Miss Gray, how on earth would you know that?”

I winked at him and, in my most innocent voice, said, “Oh, I don’t know. I’ve just heard.”

He kissed me again and said, “Okay. So we have a deal?”

I smiled. “We have a deal.”

He pulled away and jumped in the air, doing a little fist pump. “Yes! You are the most awesome girlfriend in the world.”

Girlfriend. It was a weird realization. It was very strange to go from being someone’s wife to being just a girlfriend again.

“Am I your girlfriend?” I asked teasingly.

“I’m not doing this with you tonight,” Andrew said. He wrapped his arms around me. “Call it what you want, but I am all yours.”

I didn’t say it, but I was all his too.

Andrew’s parents’ house was big. And beautiful. And right on the beach. We sat on the built-in bench on the front deck, having a cocktail before dinner, watching the sunset. I snuggled up under his arm, and he kissed my head. “You know, Gray,” he said, “this has been the best summer of my life.” He winked. “I love you. I really mean that. And I know you want this to be a summer fling, but the idea of having to not be with you—”

I put my finger up to his lips. “Shhh. Let’s just enjoy the sunset.”

He nodded and looked back toward the water breaking and crashing to the shore just over the dunes, the sea oats waving in the wind.

“There’s my little sweetie!” I heard from behind me.

I sat straight up and turned to see a polished, beautiful woman, probably in her late forties, a fact that was very well hidden by what I presumed was a good deal of Botox. She was wearing white jeans and a patterned silk tunic and looked like she belonged to this house perfectly. Andrew got up and wrapped her in a hug. “Hi, my little momma,” he said.

My heart was racing through my chest and into my throat, and I felt momentarily like I might pass out. I was stunned to see this woman, yet Andrew didn’t look surprised in the least. He had tricked me. I wanted to be mad—only he had to trick me, didn’t he? Because I would never in a million years have agreed to meet his mother.

“There’s my boy,” another, deeper voice called as its owner, in crisp khaki pants and a blue-and-white-striped knit shirt, stepped onto the deck. He and his son hugged briefly. I stood up, my maxi dress flowing in the breeze, thankful that I hadn’t worn the low-cut one I’d considered when getting dressed.

“Mom, Dad,” Andrew said. “This is Gray.”

If they were surprised to see me, they didn’t let on. His mother took my hand and kissed my cheek. “We have heard so much about you,” she said. “Please call me June.”

Henry was next in line for a handshake and cheek kiss. They were so adorable. I turned and smiled pertly at Andrew. His wide grin told me that, yes indeed, he had been planning this, and, my oh my, he was so proud of himself. But a little heads-up would have been nice. They’d heard so much about me, but I didn’t know exactly what that entailed. Did that mean they knew about the divorce? And Wagner? That I was substantially too old to be running around with their prize of a son?

“We won’t be down next week, so we wanted to take Andrew to an early birthday dinner. Why don’t we all go to the club and get to know each other a little better?” Henry asked.

“Oh, um,” I stuttered, “I should probably be getting home.”

That’s all I needed, to walk into the Straits Club and have everyone call me Mrs. Howard.

Andrew took my hand and said, “No, Gray. You have to eat with us. You’ll starve to death otherwise.”

Everyone laughed, which made me realize that my lack of kitchen prowess was one of the things they had heard about.

“Oh yes, please,” June added. “I’ve never gotten to show off a beautiful girlfriend of my son’s at the Narrows Club. He never lets us meet anyone he dates.”

He squeezed my hand and winked. Two things were fighting for position at the front of my mind. One, Narrows Club. Thank the Lord. It could still go badly. There could still be friends mentioning Wagner or Greg, but at least there wouldn’t be any waitstaff calling me Mrs. Howard. Two, Andrew never let them meet anyone, and he was letting them meet me. My heart sank. I adored him, but standing on his parents’ beautiful front deck I really faced how ridiculous this was. He was too young, and my life was too similar to his parents’. The entire thing was utterly absurd.

But I loved him. Ripping this Band-Aid off was going to hurt like hell. So I smiled and decided to wait until tomorrow. “Thank you so much,” I said. “I think dinner at the Narrows Club sounds amazing.”

I was going to drive separately, so I could have a word with Andrew, but June said, “Oh, no. I am a teetotaler, so you may as well let me. Then the three of you can have a little fun.” She winked at me.

I slid into the backseat of her Mercedes sedan and gave Andrew the look I gave Wagner when he was misbehaving in public and I was going to give him a piece of my mind when we got home.

He avoided my glance and made small talk on the very short ride to dinner. But it wasn’t long before we were sitting at the table, and June said, “So, where did you two meet?”

I smiled and Andrew squeezed my hand under the table again. “Actually,” I said, “we met at the Straits Club.”

“Oh,” Henry said, “do your parents belong there?”

This was the only time I had ever been grateful that my mother was dead. “Actually, my mother passed away last year.”

As expected, instead of them grilling me about the Straits Club and how Andrew’s girlfriend had her own membership, we got to talk cancer and “I’m sorries” and “that must be so hard for a girl your age.”

A girl your age.

“So, were you two in school together?” Henry asked, as though he had read my mind.

Andrew started to speak, but I interrupted him. “Well, I’m not getting my master’s like this smarty-pants, if that’s what you’re asking,” I said, laughing lightly. Because I got it twelve years ago.

Andrew turned to me, a questioning look on his face. It was as if his eyes were saying, It’s not a big deal. Just tell them. And under different circumstances, I would have. Andrew and I would have sat them down and we would have laid all the cards on the table. And their reaction might not have been great, but we would be the ones to decide how we proceeded. But I knew this was over. I couldn’t bear to put them through it for nothing. Least of all Andrew. It wasn’t fair to make him fight for me when I knew I wasn’t willing to fight for him.

But June and Henry were so happy, sitting at dinner with their baby boy’s girlfriend; they were positively glowing. I could almost hear June thinking that, with my mother gone, she would get to plan her dream wedding. Which she wouldn’t. Because even if this did work out—which, I clearly saw now, it could not—it would be a wedding at the courthouse.

“Well…” June reached across the table and patted Andrew’s hand. “We’re very proud.”

I smiled at her encouragingly. “Of course you are. Andrew is so talented. I’m sure he has always exceeded your expectations.” Mine too, I thought.

“Oh,” June said, “he is marvelous, isn’t he? Watching him play matches has been our favorite thing to do for years now. Have you seen him in action?”

I wanted to laugh. Yup. I had seen him in action. “I’ve only seen him at the club. But he is adorable with the kids. It’s so heartwarming.”

June looked at her son dreamily. “He is going to be a magnificent father one day.”

I smiled at him. I wasn’t mad anymore, just sad. “He sure will.” I paused. “One day.”

A cloud passed over his face.

Henry said, “So, Gray, what do you do?”

“I own an affiliate marketing company,” I said.

June squeezed Henry’s arm. “Maybe Gray can help you.” She turned to me. “Henry’s company, Sanford Properties, is looking for a social media consultant.” She looked at him proudly. “The number-one commercial realtor in the Triangle this year.”

I was thinking that that was not in the realm of what I did, but I said, “Congratulations. That is quite a feat.”

“Thank you.” He nodded humbly. “I’ll make sure to put in a good word for you.”

I smiled tightly. “Wow. That would be…” I stammered. “That would be just great.”

Andrew piped in. “Gray won’t need it. She’s a total genius. She has a multimillion-dollar company and—”

I punched him lightly on the arm. “Andrew, honestly. That’s enough.”

“That is really something,” June said.

“Yes,” Henry chimed in. “Smart and beautiful. You should hang on to this one, son.”

I felt that pang again.

“Oh, I plan to, Dad,” Andrew said. Then he added, “You know what’s the coolest thing about Gray?”

“What?” June asked.

“She has the most fantastic so—”

I kicked him and interjected, “Software. I patented a special software that makes affiliate marketing much easier.”

June laughed. “That’s wonderful, darling, but I’d hardly say that’s the coolest thing about her.”

I waved my hand in the air and avoided Andrew’s glance. “That’s enough about me. Tell me about you two.” I smiled. “Better yet, give me all the scoop on this one.” I glanced in Andrew’s direction.

By the time we got back in the car, I felt like I was going to be sick from the anxiety of not crushing these wonderful people’s spirit by telling them that I was not at all who they thought. I also loved June and Henry. And that was unfathomably painful.

As we stepped out of the car in the driveway, I said, “Thank you so much again for a wonderful dinner. And son,” I added for good measure. I was breaking up with him, but I still wanted his parents to think I was lovely.

June hugged me. Then she took both my hands in hers. “Darling, you are precious. I am so happy my son found you.” I could feel tears glazing over my eyes. “He is in love with you,” she said. “I can tell.” I smiled and nodded. She took my hand and put it on her chest. “That boy is my whole heart,” she said. “Please don’t break his.”

It took everything I had in me to not break down right there in the driveway. Andrew appeared and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. “Why don’t you come in?”

“I can’t,” I said. “I need to get home.”

He kissed me on the cheek and said, “I’m going to get Mom and Dad settled, and I’ll come visit you later.”

I nodded bravely and turned, barely reaching my car before the tears started streaming down my face. What had I been thinking? What was I doing? This was real. And then all I could think of was Wagner, my son who was sleeping under my roof fifteen days a month now. I couldn’t control my sobs as I pulled out of the driveway and, instead of turning right over the bridge, kept going straight. It had taken me a couple of months, but I was tired of pretending. I heard June’s voice in my ear: That boy is my whole heart. I knew where I needed to be.

---

Greg couldn’t stand it when I cried. Tonight was no exception. I was relieved that Wagner was already in bed and that, when I pulled into the driveway, Greg was on the porch—sans Brooke.

He stood up quickly. “Gray, what’s wrong?”

I don’t know what it was about seeing June with Andrew, but it made me finally feel all of those things I’d been pushing away all this time. I wanted to do what was right for my son. I wanted to be that unselfish mother who realized that her son needed his father. But it struck me how little time I had left with him, how quickly he was going to be bringing girls home to meet me.

I shook my head.

Greg pulled me close to him and my head hit his shoulder. He rubbed my back and whispered, “What is it? You’re scaring me.”

“I can’t do it, Greg,” I said. “I want to, but I just can’t.”

“Can’t do what?”

“I can’t be away from my son every other week. It’s too much. I know you want to see him too, but I can’t stand it. I don’t think I can live.” Suddenly I didn’t care about the company or the houses or the 401(k)s or any of that. I just wanted my son.

He pushed away from me. “But, Gray, we agreed on this. He needs a strong male influence. He needs his father too.”

I nodded. “I know, and I’m not backing out of that. I just have to be with him during your weeks. I want to pick him up from school. I want to have dinner with him. I want to tuck him into bed.”

“But Brooke—”

I felt my eyes widen. “But Brooke what? Carried him for nine months? Gave birth to him? Took him to the emergency room when that baseball split his eye open? Stayed up with him all night every time he had a fever?”

That got me, and I started crying again. Because what if he was sick, and I wasn’t there? My sister was right. I should have fought. I should have done everything I could to save my marriage, for my son.

“Okay, okay, okay,” Greg said. I could tell he was in that space where he would do absolutely anything to make the crying stop. “What do you need?”

If he was trying to dry the tears, it had worked. I hadn’t even consciously thought of it when, “I want you to move. Here,” flew out of my mouth.

But it was true. I wanted to stay here. I wanted to move full-time into the beautiful house that I had bought and planned and picked every last pansy for. I wanted to have coffee with Marcy every morning, not just the summer ones. I wanted to see Diana every day.

I could tell he was astonished, and I didn’t want to fight. I was too sad. It was too hard. So I said, “Don’t say anything now. Just think about it.” I paused. “Where’s Brooke?”

“Wine night or something.”

I walked past him through the front door, up the seagrass-carpeted stairs, and into my son’s bedroom at his dad’s summer rental. Moonlight streamed through a crack in the curtains, illuminating his peaceful, sleeping face. I thought my heart would absolutely burst at the sight of him. I leaned over and kissed his cheek, breathing in his little boy scent, pulling his covers up tight around him.

I closed the bedroom door behind me, and Greg said, “He’s amazing, isn’t he?”

I nodded and looked him straight in the eye. “He is perfect. Move here. Please. For him,” I said, as I walked down the steps. And I walked out the front door before he could protest.

Andrew was sitting on my front steps when I got home.

“Before you say anything,” he called, scrambling to his feet as I was stepping out of the car, “I’m really sorry. I wasn’t trying to ambush you, but I wanted them to meet you, and I knew you wouldn’t do it otherwise.”

I nodded, but I didn’t say anything. I looked out over the yard, into the windows across the street, lights blazing, lost in my thoughts. I remembered the day we bought this house, how I couldn’t believe it, how I had gotten this perfect life already. “I used to be scared I was going to die,” I said.

Neither of us spoke for a few beats. But then he responded, “Because everything was so good?”

He knew me really, really well. “Yeah. I felt like, here I was, barely thirty, and I already had everything: the money, the kid, the husband, the beach house, the perfect life.”

He nodded. “I get that. I do.” He reached over for my hand, and I could feel my eyes filling up. “Because that’s how I feel right now.”

I leaned my head on his shoulder and wiped my tears. “You wanted your parents to meet me? Damn, Andrew. That perfect life has shattered in a million pieces all around me. I’m not some cute coed that they’re going to be excited about their shiny son dating.”

“But I was going to tell them all that. Why wouldn’t you let me?”

I bit my lip and looked down at my shoe. “You know why,” I whispered.

He pulled back and looked at me. “Gray, come on. Don’t do this.”

I shrugged, my eyes filling again. “Andrew, your mom. You’re her perfect son.…” I couldn’t help but think of my perfect son.

He turned toward me. “So, do you love me?”

I bit my lip again and turned to look out over the water. “It isn’t that simple.”

“But why isn’t it?”

“Because you know it isn’t, Andrew.”

“But do you?”

I sighed. “Of course I do. You know I do. Do you think I want to do this? You have filled up that deep, dark, empty space where my son is gone every other week. You have made me feel beautiful and wanted when my husband tossed me out like yesterday’s newspaper. Do you think I want that to be over?”

He stepped toward me and kissed me. “So don’t let it,” he whispered. “Let’s just tell them. They loved you, and they won’t care.”

“They will care. They will think I’m preying on their son.”

“Gray, I know you think you’re fine, but for you to even think all those things shows me how badly all of this messed you up. You are everything that anyone could ever want. You’re the only one who can’t see that.”

I smiled sadly, shaking my head. “It doesn’t matter,” I whispered.

I could see tears starting to form in his eyes, and I felt like the devil incarnate.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” I said.

“But you’re breaking up with me anyway.”

I nodded slowly.

He slapped his hand on the hood of my car. “Damn, Gray. I don’t get why you would do this.”

“Yes, you do,” I said.

He hugged me, and I could feel his tears falling onto my bare shoulder.

“Hey,” I said, lifting his head. “We might be breaking up, but I’m not the kind of woman who would deny a guy the chance to check something major off of his bucket list.”

He wiped his eyes and brightened. “Really?”

I shrugged. “Yeah. I can’t think of a better way to say good-bye.”

“You can stop being my girlfriend, Gray. I don’t have a choice in that.” He paused and wiped his eyes. “But there’s no way I’m letting you say good-bye.”

diana: a secret

My life was finally back on track. Things with Frank were going great. We had had an amazing few weeks together. He’d even asked me to move in with him, and while a part of me wanted to, I knew it was too fast. I wasn’t ready yet. I didn’t think Gray was ready yet either.

When I’d show up in the morning, smiling and whistling, not even complaining about all the healthy stuff she made me cook, she’d give me a sideways smile and tease me. Then I’d laugh, and we’d talk, and I wasn’t ready for all that to be over.

But this morning when I walked over from the guesthouse, she was in the kitchen looking like she hadn’t slept all night. I knew she was having a real hard time being apart from Andrew, and even worse, with him gone she had all kinds of time to realize that her kid was somewhere else every other week.

She looked so pitiful. “What’s the matter, honey?”

“Wagner has been throwing up all night, and it was so awful and so scary.” She put crushed ice in a glass and popped the top of a Coke. “I’ve never been alone with him when he was sick.” Gray shook her head. “I almost called Greg.”

I put my arm around her. “Why didn’t you call me?”

“I was going to,” she said, “but you got here so early. You need to get out of here. I don’t want you catching this.”

I laughed. “Honey, I meant why didn’t you call me last night to help?” I took the Coke and said, “I’ll go up and check on him, then I’ll come down and make him some tea and toast and go out and get some bananas for when he’s feeling up to it.”

“But, Di,” she protested, “you’ll get sick.”

“Oh, Gray”—I winked—“I have an immune system of steel. I never get sick. Not ever.”

She smiled weakly at me and said, “Okay.” She sighed. “He’s kept down Gatorade for about an hour now, so I think the tide might be turning.”

“You go lie down and get some rest, and I’ll get you if we need you.”

She looked so grateful. I saw tears in her eyes. She hugged me and said, “I know you’re going to leave me, and I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

I pulled away and squeezed her shoulders, looking in her eyes. “I’m not going to leave you.”

Now I could see the tears really gathering, and she looked away and said, “Of course you will. You’re in love. You’re happy. I want that for you. I just miss you, and you aren’t even gone.”

With that, she turned around and walked down the hall, and I got the distinct feeling that whatever was going on inside that tired, pretty little head didn’t have all that much to do with me leaving her.

Wagner managed a weak smile when he saw me walk in, carrying a Coke and saltines. I sat down on the bed beside him and rubbed my hand across his clammy forehead. “I heard it was a rough night, buddy.”

He nodded. “Yeah. But I haven’t barfed in a couple hours. I think I’m gonna be okay.”

I smiled. “That’s a relief.”

“Do you think I’ll be able to play tennis later?”

“I’m going to say no to that one.”

His face fell. “Andrew really wanted me to play with him today. I think he wants a rematch after Johnny and I beat him and Mom so bad.”

I nodded, and it made me feel sort of sad because I would have bet that locket I loved so much that Andrew wanted to see another member of Wagner’s family even worse.

“Is my mom okay?”

I handed him the saltines and said, “Oh yeah. She’s good. I just told her to go and get some sleep.”

“Yeah,” he said. “But, I mean, she seems sad, you know?”

I shrugged. “I think it’s real hard for a momma to be away from her kid.” I wondered after I said it if I shouldn’t have. But, well, he was getting ready to be nine years old, and he wasn’t stupid, and that’s the God’s honest truth of the whole thing.

“Yeah. All I kept thinking was that it would’ve been so awful if I got sick when I was with Dad, because I would’ve wanted my mom the whole time.” He shrugged. “It’s weird, right? Do you think my dad and Brooke are going to have another baby?”

I laughed. “Okay there. That’s enough with the questions. I think that’s for them to know and us to find out. You close those peepers. I’m going to go get some laundry done, but you holler if you need me. Deal?”

He sank back into his pillows sleepily, and I set the Coke on the nightstand. I pulled his covers up tight and kissed that sweet, clammy forehead. I thought about Frank. And Gray. And that baby I never had. And all I knew was that sometimes, in the most convoluted of ways, somebody up there looks down, smiles, and finally gives you all you really wanted this whole time: a family.