CHAPTER 21

gray: the car crash

I hadn’t spoken to Andrew since the day I had told him it was over between us for the second time. And I knew that, before I confessed to him how I was feeling now, I had one more thing to do, something that terrified me to my core: I had to talk to his mother.

I could see her rear end pointing up toward the sky from her trunk before I saw her face. She looked shocked when she turned and my car was in the driveway. I waved, and she laughed.

“Hi, June,” I said, opening the door, figuring it was safe since Andrew’s car was nowhere to be found.

“Well, hi there, darling. What brings you here?”

I got out of the car and lifted my sunglasses so that we could see eye to eye. “I’m sorry I didn’t call. I just wanted to talk to you for a minute, but if this isn’t a good time I can—” I pointed back to the car.

“Don’t be silly.” She winked at me. “You can help me carry up my groceries.”

“I don’t want to put you in a weird spot,” I said, as we climbed the stairs to the front door.

She paused and fumbled for her keys in her purse. “Well, I asked you not to break his heart, darling, and, without a doubt, you did.”

I sighed, following her through the door. “I know. But I did it then to make it easier. I didn’t want to drag things out, prolong them, because I knew that, realistically, this wasn’t going to work out. I mean, he’s just a kid, and I’m not exactly who a parent would dream about their star of a son marrying.” I paused and added, “I didn’t want you to think that I was latching on to your son because I was desperate or something.”

She laughed heartily. Opening the fridge, she pulled out a bottle of white wine and retrieved a corkscrew from a drawer. “I think we’re probably going to need a little of this.” As she poured, she said, “I am not going to patronize you, Gray. I have…” She paused. “Concerns.”

She walked toward the back deck, and I followed her. She looked around as she sat down and said, “You’re a mother, so I feel that you understand where I am coming from and won’t take offense when I say that, no, you are not who I envisioned for my son.”

I knew that. Even still, it stung.

“Well, that’s not true,” she said. “Under different circumstances, you are precisely what I envisioned for my son.”

“But we aren’t under those circumstances,” I agreed. “I’ve been married, I have a child, and I am barreling toward my thirty-fifth birthday.”

She bit her lip. “We raised him to be a steadfast man. We raised him to follow his heart.”

I nodded. “That’s very, very clear.” I turned and looked out over the ocean.

“He has always been so focused. He has dated a lot, but whenever I asked him if it was serious he would say, ‘When I find her, I’ll know.’ ”

My heart was racing.

“When he told us all about you and Wagner, I asked him if he was sure it was worth it, knowing that, in the end, it might not work out, knowing that even if it did work out he would be taking on quite a lot.” She paused and looked out over the ocean, then back at me. “And he said, ‘Mom, I know.’ ”

I smiled and closed my eyes, shaking my head. “That is so sweet—but, June, we don’t have to get ahead of ourselves.”

“I think you know my boy is very strong-willed.”

“Oh, he is that,” I said, thinking of that first day I saw him at the tennis court. I shrugged. “He is special, June. He is so wonderful, and I wanted to talk to you, mom to mom. You want what’s best for your son, and I want what’s best for mine, so I respect that. I—”

She interrupted. “Are you asking for my son’s hand, dear?”

I laughed. “No. Not exactly. I just…” I paused. “I’ve been thinking about all the reasons that our relationship couldn’t work, all the reasons it was wrong. But being apart has made me realize that, right or not, I only want to be with Andrew.” My eyes filled with tears. “I tried to push it away, and I’ve tried to fight it, but if it’s okay with you, I’d like to at least give it a fair shot. And if it isn’t, no one understands better than I do.”

She smiled sympathetically. “I might not fully understand it, but I would never keep my son from true love.”

“Okay—” I started to say.

But June interrupted me again. “I have to ask you something. And it’s none of my business.” She paused, then waved her hand. “Oh, never mind.”

I laughed. “Well, you have to ask me now!”

She swallowed hard and whispered, “Do you want more children?”

That was much easier than what I had been expecting. “I certainly want more if it works out that way.”

“Like I said, it’s none of my—”

We both turned to look as we heard a girl’s laughter, followed by a, “Mom!”

I could see the car crash before it happened, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I couldn’t be mad, because I had pushed him away.

But when he walked onto that deck holding the hand of a beautiful blond girl, who probably wasn’t a minute over twenty-one, it took my breath away.

“Hi,” I said brightly, taking a sip of my wine so that I would have something to do with my hands and mouth. I set down my glass, patted June’s hand, and turned to Andrew and said, “Just catching up with your mom, but I need to be going now.”

“Gray, I…” Andrew looked at me, and then the girl, whose hand he had abruptly dropped.

“Thanks, June. I always love seeing you.”

I bolted through the house and out the front door. I probably should have cried, but I laughed instead. Because the world was as it was supposed to be.

I decided that I wouldn’t cry. I would take some deep breaths instead. I drove slowly, calming myself, realizing that my life wasn’t over. He was a wonderful man, but there would be others. And if there weren’t? Well, then that would be fine too. The past was in the past, and I had to move on. I thought about stopping by Greg’s to see Wagner for a minute, but I decided that a glass of wine might be more appropriate right now. Hell, maybe even a cigarette.

Diana was leaning on the kitchen counter, cup of coffee—decaf, I’m sure—in hand when I tore through the back door. She handed me a cup too. I kissed her on the cheek.

“Gray, I…”

Her face was white. My first thought was the baby. This was Diana’s biggest fear. But nothing could have prepared me for what she said next.

diana: the ends of the earth

I’d always wished that I’d got to go to my momma’s funeral, that I could have thrown a handful of earth on her grave, and then I wouldn’t’ve had any lingering questions. But I guess there was a good reason I hadn’t gone: she hadn’t had a funeral.

“What’s wrong?” Gray asked, out of breath. “Are you okay?”

Before I could answer, Charles tore in through the back door, into Gray’s kitchen. “Diana, I wasn’t trying to spring her on you.”

“Then what the hell were you trying to do, Charles? Did you think I’d laugh and squeal and hug her neck? She’s dead, Charles,” I screamed. “Dead!”

Gray was white as a sheet. “Who’s dead?”

“No one,” Charles said. “No one is dead. Everything is fine.”

They looked at each other like they thought it would be nice to introduce themselves but knowing this maybe wasn’t the time.

“Should I leave?” Gray asked.

I said, “No,” as Charles said, “Yes.”

I could feel myself getting kind of hysterical, and it was like all those years were just flooding back to me. The getting left, the being alone, Charles trying to raise us, all those hellacious foster families, Charles trying to get me again, that not happening. The only way I could make it right in my mind, the only way I could move on even a little, was telling myself that my momma was dead, and she couldn’t help it, and if she could have, she’d have traveled to the ends of the earth for me. She couldn’t be alive. She just couldn’t.

Gray was trying to calm me down, but I couldn’t even hear what she was saying. She pulled me into the living room and sat me down on the couch and rubbed my back in these long, slow, even strokes. I guess it must’ve worked, because I caught my breath, and I was still crying hard, but I could hear again.

“Diana,” Charles said. “I wasn’t trying to upset you. Let me explain.”

“Diana,” Gray whispered. “You have to calm down. It isn’t good for the baby.”

“The baby?” Charles asked.

Shit.

“I’m so sorry,” she said, covering her mouth. “But, seriously. This is bigger than that. You have to calm down.”

“What baby?” Charles asked.

Gray, she got up, and she said, “Look, I don’t know who you are, but you’re upsetting Diana. Yes, she’s pregnant. I’m sorry you found out that way, but I think it’s best that you go now. Being this upset is dangerous for her.”

She led him to the door, and I felt torn. Because, on the one side, I wanted my brother. I wanted him here to comfort me. On the other side, he’d brought her back into my life with no warning, no preparation at all, and I wasn’t ready for that. So that part of me was pissed. Did he really think I was going to be happy to see her? I’ve never understood men, and I never will.

Gray closed the door behind Charles, and my mind was spinning, and the room was spinning, and she helped me lie down on the couch. She sat on the floor beside me and said, “You don’t have to talk about it unless you want to. Okay?”

“Okay,” I said.

“I can get Marcy if that would help.”

I was starting to see clearly again, the room coming back into focus, my mind getting right. And I knew I didn’t need therapy. I just needed a friend. As good a one as I’d ever had in my whole life was sitting right beside me all wide-eyed.

“My mom,” I said. “I opened the door and my brother Charles was there with this woman, and she said my name, and I realized it was my mom.”

“And you thought she was dead?”

I put my hand up over my eyes. “Yes.” I threw both hands up in the air. “I don’t know what I thought. I mean, yeah, I had to think she was dead. Because if she was dead, she couldn’t help it. It wasn’t like she could control her death. If she’d died, she hadn’t meant to abandon us. But she’s not dead, and that’s so much worse.”

Gray nodded. “I get that. I totally get that.” She paused. “That would have to be the worst feeling in the world, for the one person who is supposed to love you more than herself to abandon you like that. But maybe she had a reason, you know?” I heard her voice catch in her throat as she said, “Maybe she just couldn’t help it.”

I realized that a little part of this wasn’t about my momma. It was about Gray’s. Her mom dying, and her thinking her mom wanted to die. In some small way, even though, I’ll be honest, it seemed a hell of a lot better than what happened to me, she felt like her momma’d abandoned her. It explained a lot about her, really.

I was calmer now. Nothing had changed, had it? I still had Frank. I still had this baby. I knew my momma was alive, but, hell, way deep down hadn’t I known that all along? It was going to be okay. I had a family now. Nothing was going to change. Feeling right better and feeling that need I always got to protect the girl sitting on the floor beside me, I patted her hand and said, “Honey, maybe your momma just couldn’t help it either.” I paused. “And Charles,” I continued. “I mean, he’s my brother. Shouldn’t he have known better than this?”

Gray shook her head. “I have crazy-ass Quinn as a sister. Trust me, I can relate.”

“And you just forgave her for all her crap? Just like that?”

She scrunched her nose, and I could tell she was debating what she would say. “Well…” She shrugged. “She’s my sister, Di.”

I sighed. Damn it. I hated when she was right. He was my brother. Even if I wanted to be mad at him, it felt biologically impossible. He had fought for me his entire life. I knew, deep down, that he meant well. But I wasn’t ready to move forward. Not yet.

“What are you going to do?” she whispered.

“I don’t know,” I said honestly.

“I’m here,” she said.

“I know.”

For now, that was enough.