Joseph’s come back with a week to spare . . .
Sian’s been giving me evil looks for the past half an hour, and although I don’t want to hear what she has to say, I know I can’t avoid her for ever.
I know instinctively that she’s not going to approve.
‘I’m just going to go and speak to Sian,’ I say to Joseph and Marcus.
I still can’t believe that they’re here. It’s all too much to take in – my plan seems to have worked and Joseph wants me back. I’m still waiting to talk to him properly, but it’s awkward with my friends and Marcus here.
‘OK,’ says Joseph.
He’s looking at me with his puppy-dog eyes like he used to when we first started dating. The same eyes that made me fall in love with him.
As I approach Sian, Pete wisely goes to stand with Giles. I’d go and stand with him too if I thought I could get away with it.
‘Well, go on then,’ I say, sinking down into the seat next to Sian.
‘I don’t know what you mean,’ she says, her lips pursed. She folds her fingers back to look at her nails.
‘About Joseph.’
‘So I take it you’re getting back together with him?’ she says, still not looking at me.
‘Well, we haven’t really talked about it properly, but he’s hinted that he thinks he’s made a mistake. So it looks likely.’
‘Right, and he just figured that out. After three months?’
‘I guess sometimes people need time to realise how they really feel.’
Sian laughs hollowly. ‘Are you sure he didn’t just see the photos of you and Ben in Paris and get jealous?’
‘I don’t think so,’ I say, thinking back to when I’d seen him at the supermarket. It felt like there was something he’d wanted to say then too.
‘So why hasn’t he said anything to you before? He could have gone round to your flat at any point in the last three months, but instead he waited until now. He let you go through all that heartache and misery for nothing.’
I shrug, I don’t want to think about that.
‘Can’t you just be happy for me? This is what I want.’
‘Is it really? What about Ben?’
‘What about him? Where did he go anyway?’
‘Where do you think? God, Abi, for someone so smart you can sometimes be so bloody stupid.’
She’s folded her arms and is starting to raise her voice.
I look round the pub self-consciously and see that all our friends are looking at us. I suddenly wish I hadn’t talked to Sian here. I should have waited until we were somewhere more private.
‘So, Ben left because Joseph arrived?’
‘Of course he did. Can’t you see how much he likes you?’
‘No,’ I say, shaking my head. ‘He broke up with his girlfriend two weeks ago and didn’t bother to tell me. If he really liked me surely I’d have been the first person to know.’
She rolls her eyes at me.
‘Abi . . .’
‘What?’ I wish she’d just spell out whatever it is she wants to say. She clearly thinks it’s the most obvious thing in the world, but I don’t get it.
‘He probably didn’t tell you because he was scared you didn’t feel the same way.’
‘But I’m sure he doesn’t have feelings for me,’ I say, shaking my head. ‘It doesn’t make sense because he’s been helping me with the list. I mean, why would he do that when he knew I was doing it to get Joseph back.’
I’m trying to unravel what’s been going on, before I realise what I’ve just said.
Sian’s eyes widen and if her face looked like thunder before, then now it looks like it’s a full-blown tropical storm.
‘What do you mean the list was to get Joseph back? How would it get him back?’
Her eyes are glowing in a way that reminds me of the Demon Headmaster in the books that I read as a kid. I’m almost afraid lasers are going to come shooting out of them and frazzle me in my seat.
‘Abi, what do you mean?’
I know that I’ve got no option but to come clean.
‘The list was Joseph’s,’ I mutter.
‘Joseph’s?’ she says, her brow wrinkling in a way that would not be attractive if the wind changed.
‘Yes, I found his list in a book in that box of my things he dropped off at my flat, and I thought that if I did everything on it then he might come back to me.’
‘All that stuff about you doing the list to get over him, you made that all up?’
I slowly nod my head.
‘You lied to me. I’m your best friend and you lied to me.’
The anger has given way to whispering incredulity, which is almost worse.
‘I didn’t want to, but I knew you wouldn’t approve.’
‘Of course I wouldn’t approve. It was one thing to support you doing this crazy bucket list when I thought it was your idea, but knowing that these weren’t things you’d picked and that you were just doing it for him,’ she hisses, gesturing in Joseph’s direction. ‘I was so proud of you. I’ve been telling Pete how remarkable it was that you were taking charge of your life and rebuilding it after your heartbreak. Taking the bull by the horns and doing all those things you’d never dreamt of doing. I couldn’t believe how you’d picked yourself up from the mess you were in and dusted yourself down. And now I find out that it was all for him? It was some stupid plan to get him back.’
‘It wasn’t that stupid,’ I say sulkily. ‘It worked, didn’t it?’
‘Congratulations!’
‘Can’t you just be happy for me? You know how much I love Joseph.’
‘Be happy for you? You’ve lied to me for months. And yes, I know how much you say you love Joseph, but how much does he love you?’
‘Sian . . .’ I say, not wanting to go there. If I’m getting back together with him, I don’t want her to slag him off to my face.
‘No, come on. He loved you so much that he dumped you.’
‘People make mistakes.’
‘Yes, they do. But, Abi, honestly, it took him three months to realise. And do you still want him? I mean, now that you’ve met Ben and done all those things?’
‘Ben and I were only friends because of the list. What Joseph and I had was different.’
‘Oh, yes, it was different. I know exactly how it was different. He’s all wrong for you.’
I can feel the tears welling up behind my eyes. This is not what I want to hear.
‘You know I tried to support you when he broke up with you and I bit my lip and didn’t tell you what I really felt.’
‘Oh, come on, you were quite clear that you didn’t think he was right for me.’
‘But did you ever consider why?’
‘You never think any man is good enough. Up until last week I never thought you’d think any man was worthy of a relationship.’
‘Ah, yes, Sian the man-hater. So maybe I’m harsh on men, but not on the good ones, Abi. Don’t you see?’
‘So what’s so wrong with Joseph then?’
I look over her shoulder and see him propping up the bar in his freshly pressed chinos with his neatly tucked-in shirt hidden under a monogrammed jumper.
‘Don’t you remember what he was like with you? Think back.’
‘I remember he was kind and generous. He used to spoil me with meals out and presents.’
‘Yes, he did, but he never listened to you. He never knew what you liked. He was always buying you clothes that you’d never have picked yourself. And remember when he bought you carnations on your birthday, and you hate carnations. You never said anything, you just took them.’
I remember. It’s true – it wasn’t the first time that he’d given me carnations and I’d dropped hints about not liking them whenever we saw them. But when he got them for my birthday I just thought it was nice of him to buy me flowers.
‘And that time that he took us to that bistro and insisted on ordering you mussels and you had to eat that whole tub.’
I shudder at the thought. Those slimy, chewy things. I’m almost gagging at the memory.
‘And what about when he made us go to that bar in Gunwharf even though you didn’t want to go there on principle after they chucked us out that time.’
It’s true, all those things did happen, but it doesn’t mean to say that we’re not meant to be.
‘I’m not saying he’s not a nice guy, he is. But he’s never convinced me that he’s your nice guy. He seemed to think that you should fit in with how he lived his life, without getting to know the real you.’
I’m desperately fighting back the tears. In our twelve-year friendship, Sian has never spoken to me like this.
‘You’ve clearly never had what I had with Joseph. You don’t understand how I feel,’ I say, almost pleading with her.
‘Abi . . .’
‘No, Sian, look I’m sorry that I lied. I truly am. I’ve never lied to you before and I thought I never would, but despite that, you can’t change my mind about Joseph.’
‘I just wish you’d see what I can see,’ she says, her tone changing to sadness.
‘And I wish you could see what I can.’
I hate fighting with her but sometimes she can be so stubborn. She thinks she knows my relationship with Joseph, but how can she? How could anyone except me and him know what went on?
I look over at him again and sigh. Even if she’s right and it would be a disaster getting back together, surely I have to try. Wouldn’t I always regret it if I didn’t?
Sian and I seem to have reached an impasse and neither of us is budging.
‘I’m going to go,’ says Sian.
‘Stay, please.’
I’m not ready for her to go just yet. I feel like I need to get her on side before I talk to Joseph – it’s like I need her blessing.
‘Abi, I am so mad at you. Have you any idea how it feels to find out your best friend’s been lying to you for months?’
She stands up and slips her bag on her shoulder.
‘Please, Sian, let me explain.’
‘I thought you already had, and FYI it wasn’t good enough.’ She sighs and gives me a look of disappointment.
‘You know what the really silly thing is? I thought you were an inspiration. The way you pulled yourself out of that break-up depression and turned it into something positive. You had this whole new lease of life and it really made me stop and think. It made me realise that I’ve had my life on hold ever since I broke up with Ted when I arrived at uni.
‘It actually spurred me on with Pete when he suggested going on a date. It made me stop and consider it rather than dismissing it. All because of what I thought you’d done. And now I find out it was based on a lie. And to top it all off, you had the nicest guy at your fingertips and you’ve let him slip through them.’
She walks over to Pete without so much as a backward glance. She whispers to him and he finishes the rest of his pint and pulls on his coat. I watch them say their goodbyes to the others, before they walk out of the pub.
I have never known her to be so angry. It’s even worse than the time she had to interview Katie Hopkins for her newspaper.
Tonight started off so well, and here I am an hour later having driven off half of the group. I look up at Giles and Laura and I wonder how long it will take before they abandon me too. Doug is nowhere to be seen. He probably left when Ben did.
‘How to clear a pub in minutes.’ Giles laughs as I walk up to them.
‘As if I didn’t already feel like a dick,’ I say, trying to smile.
‘Dare we ask what happened?’ says Laura, her eyes scrutinising me.
‘It’s a long story, and all my fault,’ I reply.
I’m already starting to feel sick as the adrenaline that started to pump round my veins as soon as Joseph made an appearance has started to wane. Add to that the exhaustion of arguing with Sian, and I’m truly beat.
Laura’s looking at me as if she wants me to elaborate, but I can’t face it.
‘So, um, Joseph,’ says Giles.
I nod. I feel slightly funny talking about him with Giles, now that I’m confused about Ben leaving the pub, and I don’t know where my head’s at.
‘Are you . . .?’
It seems to be the question on everyone’s lips.
‘Maybe,’ I say.
I know that I was quite adamant about my feelings when I was talking to Sian but part of that was because of her reaction.
Joseph’s ears must be burning as he walks over to us.
‘Do you want another drink, Abi?’
I look down at my empty hands. I have no idea where my drink ended up or whether it was even finished. But a drink is exactly what I need. Something with a kick that will steady my nerves.
‘Actually, yes, I’ll have a Baileys.’
He looks at me for a minute and then nods. ‘OK, then, and can I get you two a drink as well?’
‘Actually, I think we might get off too,’ says Giles.
‘Really?’ I say, trying to plead, but after the car crash that tonight has been I can’t really blame them.
‘Yeah, I think an early night will do us some good,’ says Laura. ‘Especially as we’re tackling the spare room mess tomorrow.’
‘On second thoughts, why don’t we stay and get completely hammered so we can be hungover all day tomorrow,’ says Giles, raising his eyebrows.
‘Nice try,’ says Laura. She picks up her bag and leans over to give me a quick kiss on the cheek. ‘Are you OK getting home?’
As we pull away I nod and tell her that I’ll be fine. The least Joseph can do to make up for trampling on my heart is to walk me home.
‘See you at work on Monday,’ says Giles as they leave.
‘Was it something I said?’ asks Joseph, as he walks back over and hands me my drink.
I take it and immediately sip the creamy liquid. It hits exactly the right spot. I look round and realise that we’re alone.
‘Where’s Marcus?’ I ask, half expecting him to be chatting up a woman in the corner of the pub.
‘I sent him home,’ he says shrugging. ‘I thought he’d get in the way.’
‘Oh.’
I’m beginning to wish Laura and Giles had stayed as now we don’t have the safety net of other people.
‘I figured I’d be staying at yours, so it was probably best for him to get a taxi home before the queues got too big.’
I’m taken aback. I can’t believe he so blatantly said he was coming back to mine. It’s pretty presumptuous, and totally not going to happen. I’m clearly not that easy, which loosely translates as I haven’t shaved my legs in weeks and I haven’t had a bikini-line wax since he dumped me. But does he really think that we’re going to have some magic conversation and then pick up right where we left off? Was he expecting to stay at mine tonight and then go back to our usual routine of going to the diner for lunch tomorrow?’
‘Um, the closest you’re going to get to mine is when you walk me back there on your way to the taxi rank.’
Joseph raises his eyebrows at me in a way that used to make my knickers ping off all on their own.
‘Oh, really? Where’s this willpower come from?’
‘From having someone rip out my heart and stamp on it.’
Did I say that out loud? I can’t seem to stop blurting out thoughts that were meant only to rattle around my head.
‘Ouch,’ says Joseph, putting his hands theatrically to his heart. ‘I guess I deserved that. So walking you home it is then.’
I smile weakly.
It’s so weird, for months I’ve been dreaming about this moment, and now that it’s here it feels so alien. I was never lost for words around him before, whereas now I’m struggling to know what to say.
‘I totally understand that I can’t come back to yours but, Abi, you’ve got to know how much I’ve missed you.’
He places his arm around me and leans in close to my ear. His hot breath warms my neck as he talks and I tingle all over.
It’s the one time in my life that I’m actually thankful that I have hairy monkey legs, because the fear of him seeing them is stronger than my willpower.
It’s not only that I’ve missed him, but I also haven’t had sex for three months.
‘Joseph,’ I say, pushing him away. ‘If this is going to happen, then we have to talk about everything, and if we do get back together, it would have to happen slowly. We’re not just going to pick up where we left off. We’ll have to go out on dates, and see how it goes.’
‘Dates?’
‘Yes,’ I say, nodding. ‘You’ll have to put in some ground work and I want you to get to know the real me.’
‘The real you?’
He looks confused, but until I started the list I don’t think I knew who the real me was. I’d been so caught up in my relationship with Joseph and fitting into his life that I never gave him the opportunity to see who I was.
He’s clearly taken aback but I really mean it. I’m not going to be a pushover. If he wants me, he’s going to have to work for it.
‘OK,’ he says. ‘If that’s what it takes.’
I breathe a sigh of relief.
‘So, why don’t you tell me what you’ve been up to over the last few months? From the look of your Facebook you’ve been quite busy.’
We settle down at the table my friends so hastily vacated and talk. Not about our relationship and his feelings, but about what’s happened since we broke up. I tell him about the different challenges, without explicitly telling him about the list.
As we talk I try to banish thoughts of Sian and Ben. I’ve got what I wanted, surely that’s what matters.
The bell rings for last orders and I decline another offer of a drink from him. Any more and I’m likely to cave and invite him back, hairy legs and all.
We manage to make it back to my flat with me batting his groping hands away at various points in our journey.
‘So,’ he says as we stand on the front steps of my apartment block.
‘So . . .’
It feels like one of those awkward moments on a first date where you’re not sure whether to go in for the kiss or not. But I don’t have to wonder for long as Joseph launches himself at me.
He swoops me up in his arms and the next thing I know his lips are on my mine.
It’s a familiar and sexy kiss and it’s making my resolve weaken.
‘I’ll call you for a date, and we’ll have that talk,’ he says, propping me upright and walking down the stairs.
He flashes me a smile with his perfect white teeth and I wave as he leaves. My legs are a little too wobbly to allow me to walk up the steps just yet, so I stand there for a moment, watching him go.
When I finally get the power back to my legs, I head into my flat. Walking into my familiar space, I lock the door and throw myself onto my bed.
It seems like I’ve got what I wanted. So why the bloody hell am I feeling so confused?