One week exactly to the abseil, and I’ve pretty much got Joseph back . . . My throat’s a little sore and I’m starting to feel a bit dizzy. Have you heard that there’s flu going round . . .?
The door to the bike shop jangles as I push it open.
Ben wasn’t joking when he said the shop was busy on a Saturday. There might only be a dozen or so people in the shop, but it’s absolutely buzzing. The customers don’t seem like your usual casual Saturday browsers. Everyone here means business and there’s some serious shopping being done.
I spot Ben over in the corner with one of his expensive bikes, bending down at the foot of a tall, skinny fair-haired man, as if he’s trying to judge the optimum seat height.
He stands up as the man rotates his leg, and there’s much muttering and nodding going on between the two.
Perhaps I shouldn’t have come. Ben’s clearly in the middle of something, but my mind’s been thinking of nothing else since last night. This morning, instead of waking up ecstatic that my plan to snare Joseph back appears to have worked, all I felt was guilty about Ben leaving the pub.
I’m hoping that by clearing the air with him it will leave me free to be happy about Joseph.
I’m about to turn and leave, thinking that I can come back later this afternoon when the shop is emptier, when I see Ben’s spotted me. He says something to his customer before walking in my direction.
‘Hi,’ I say, for the first time nervous to be around him.
‘Hi,’ he says, in a very matter-of-fact un-Ben-like way. There’s no hint of his usual smile on his face or in his voice.
I really shouldn’t have come.
‘Was there something you wanted? I’m a bit busy at the moment, well, the shop’s packed,’ says Ben, turning and pointing as if I’m an idiot who’s failed to notice.
‘Yes, I see that. I’d been hoping that we could go and have a chat, maybe over your lunch break if you’re busy?’
‘I don’t really get a lunch break on a Saturday.’
‘Not even a teeny, tiny coffee break?’ I say, wincing and hoping. All I need is twenty minutes away from the hustle and bustle – Ben’s distracted eyes keep watching the customers around his shop.
He sighs loudly, clearly sensing that the quickest way to get rid of me is going to be to agree.
‘Fine, about three? I’ll meet you at the Smile Cafe down the road.’
‘Great,’ I say, wishing I could have toned down my enthusiasm a notch. ‘Three it is. I’ll see you then.’
I go to say goodbye, but he’s already turned and walked back to his customer.
I hurry out of the shop in case he comes back over to tell me he’s changed his mind. I look at my watch. It’s only eleven thirty, I’ve got another three and a half hours to kill.
I walk down the little side street and back to Marmion Road, glancing at the shops that line it for inspiration.
I’m only a fifteen-minute walk away from my flat. I could go back there and do some cleaning, or, more likely, box-set-watching, but my feet don’t want to go in that direction. Part of me thinks that if I go back there I’ll drive myself mad with my thoughts. Southsea doesn’t have a huge number of shops, but I’m sure there are enough for me to browse slowly round them and distract myself.
I start in a furniture shop with the most beautiful wooden pieces. I don’t often come in here as my flat isn’t big enough to swing a cat in, let alone fit in any more furniture. But as I run my hands along a beautiful oak sideboard I start to imagine it in my dream house. My one-day-when-I’m-a-grown-up house. Whenever that may be.
It’s the kind of thing that would go beautifully in Joseph’s town house. Not that he’d need it, his house is already spectacularly furnished. My stomach lurches at the thought of him. I still can’t get over last night’s events. I keep replaying them over and over in my mind. The moment that he walked into the pub; the moment he came up to me; and the one where he asked me if there was hope that we might get back together.
It was all too unbelievable, yet it’s overshadowed by thoughts of Ben and Sian.
In my head I’d imagined that when Joseph came back to me, he’d sweep me off my feet and we’d head into the sunset, whilst my friends waved and cheered us on. Only Ben’s got under my skin. That’s why I need to meet with him, to find out what he was trying to say last night before he left. I need to get that sorted before I can think about Joseph and me.
And Sian. Well, that’s going to be a harder one.
I climb the stairs and find myself staring at bookcases that are the ultimate bibliophile’s dream – they would hold hundreds of books and look fantastically stylish.
I try and distract myself with thoughts of the dream house again, but Sian’s voice is now rattling round my head. Her disappointment. Her anger. It’s going to take a lot for us to recover from that.
I know from experience that there’s no point in going to see her today. She’s far too mad at me. She’s best left to stew for a few days and whilst she’s not going to get any less angry if I see her later in the week, I’m going to be less in danger of having random objects thrown at my head.
I texted her this morning to say sorry. I knew that I wouldn’t get a reply but I wanted her to know I was thinking of her.
I rub my eyes as I feel tears start to collect behind them. I’m not going to go down that route again. I’m not going to cry out of self-pity.
I walk out of the shop and back into the fresh air in a bid to try and stop the tears.
I find myself standing outside a bridal boutique and I look at an exquisite dress in the window and wonder what I’d look like in it. It’s a real princess dress, full of silk and lace and oomph, nothing like I’d choose for myself.
For a fleeting second I imagine the type of wedding that Joseph would want. I know it would be big and fancy. This would be the type of dress he’d expect me to wear.
Maybe this shopping malarkey isn’t going to help distract me after all.
My phone beeps in my bag and my first thought is that it’s from Sian, but when I get it out, it’s Joseph.
Fancy coming up to the Ship for lunch? We could have that talk x x
The Ship is a pub outside Portsmouth, and I groan at the thought of leaving the city on a Saturday. The two main roads in and out of the city get congested at the weekend, and the thought of having to go out and come back in when it’s a beautiful sunny day and so many people are bound for the beach is enough to put me off.
It isn’t lost on me that he hadn’t suggested coming in to take me out to lunch near where I live, as I know that he hates Portsmouth weekend traffic even more than I do.
I quickly fire back a text, telling him I already have plans and could we do it another day.
Technically I do have time to go out of the city and meet him for lunch and still be back in time to meet Ben, but I need to get my thoughts straight before seeing him.
As I hit send I wonder what’s happened to me. Last week I would have bitten someone’s hand off to be in the same room as Joseph, and now I’m turning down the chance to hear him tell me what he’s thinking.
I shake my head in disbelief.
I force myself to keep walking down the street and next up on the row of shops is a local chocolatier – today I’ve got no willpower to resist going in. I usually only restrict myself to window shopping. But it’s been one of those days.
I’m ordering myself some salted-caramel-filled chocolate when I spot some chocolate-covered honeycomb with marshmallows. I buy Ben a dozen, and hope that they’ll go some way to getting him to forgive me.
When I leave the shop I look down at the rest of the street and realise that I’m in no mood to shop. Instead I head towards the seafront. Maybe a walk along there will blow the cobwebs from my mind, and maybe blow some sense into me at the same time.
I make it back to Marmion Road and the cafe where I’m meeting Ben with five minutes to spare. My feet are aching from walking so far in my little slip-on canvas shoes. I went all the way to the east side of the city, as far as I could without ending up at the nudist beach – I’ve made that mistake before and being confronted with an old man’s willy swinging in the breeze is not what I need to see ever, let alone in the mood I’m in today.
The door rattles as it opens and I see Ben walking towards me.
I wave and smile as if he’s going to have trouble seeing me, but at this time in the afternoon there’s only me and one other couple in the corner of the room.
‘Hey,’ I say as he sits down in front of me.
‘Hi,’ he says, sighing and picking up the menu.
‘Busy day?’
‘Always is on a Saturday,’ he says, shrugging.
He orders a coffee from the waitress and a panini, and I order the same. My mind’s racing trying to think of what to say to make a decision about what to have. I’m just relieved he’s ordered food as I’d worried he was going to run in and out and we wouldn’t get time to talk properly.
‘I bought you these,’ I say, pulling out the bag of chocolates and handing them to him. He opens the bag.
‘Marshmallow and honeycomb,’ he says, a small smile escaping through his stony exterior. ‘They’re my favourite. How did you know?’ he says, squinting.
‘You mentioned it when we were on one of our tea breaks when we were out riding.’
‘And you remembered,’ he says, slipping one into his mouth. ‘I know I shouldn’t when I’m just about to eat but I’m starving.’
‘I can’t pass judgement, I bought half a dozen for me and I’ve eaten them all already.’
Ben smiles and I feel like we’re going back to how things used to be.
‘I’m touched, though, that you remembered.’
I shrug my shoulders as if it’s no big deal really.
‘So, last night,’ I say, tucking my hair behind my ear.
‘We don’t need to talk about it.’
The waitress puts our drinks down in front of us. Ben busies himself pouring sugar into his coffee and stirring meticulously.
‘I think we do. I want to know what you were going to say before Joseph came in.’
Ben looks up at me and holds my gaze before looking back down at his cup.
‘What does it matter? Joseph came back, you got what you wanted. This is what you’ve been working towards the whole time with your list. Don’t worry about me and what I was saying. It wasn’t important anyway.’
‘It wasn’t?’
‘No, it wasn’t. So tell me about Joseph. Are you getting back together?’
The waitress comes back with our food and for a minute I wish we’d ordered something more adventurous that would have taken longer to prepare. At this rate Ben will be out the door in a matter of minutes given that he practically inhales his food.
I try and use the food as an excuse not to answer the question. I can’t go into my thoughts about Joseph, as I’m too confused about what I’m feeling.
‘So next week is supposed to be the Spinnaker abseil. It’s come round quickly, hasn’t it?’
‘It has,’ he says between mouthfuls. ‘I’m not going to be able to come along and watch after all. I spoke to Tammy in the week and she wants me to go and watch her race.’
My mouth falls open. I thought they were supposed to have broken up for good this time. I hope she’s not trying to get her claws into him again – he deserves someone so much better than her.
Whenever I’ve thought about the abseil the only thing that made it bearable was the thought of Ben being there. This gives me an even greater reason to get out of it.
‘Doesn’t matter, I’m not doing it anyway. I’m going to pull a sickie from work.’
‘So you’re not going to finish the list?’
I push the panini around my plate.
‘No. I mean, I’m really proud of how much I’ve done, but I think the Spinnaker was too ambitious for me and my fear of heights. It paralyses me even thinking about it.’
‘And Joseph’s back on the scene so there’s really no need,’ he says. I can detect a hint of sarcasm in his voice. ‘I take it that goes for your own list too? No learning to sail or baking.’
‘I hadn’t really given it much thought.’
I shift uncomfortably in my chair. That’s the last thing on my mind at the moment.
‘So are you getting back together with Tammy? If you’re going to watch her race,’ I say, trying to deflect his anger away from me.
I’m staring at his almost empty plate, I can’t bear to look at him whilst I hear what he has to say.
‘No. She hasn’t taken the news of our break-up well and I think she needs me to be there for her – just as a friend, nothing more.’
He pulls out his wallet from his back pocket and throws some money down on the table. He’s somehow managed to finish the rest of his sandwich in record time, even for him. I know I should be pleading with him to stay so that we can talk but all I can wonder is how he’s not got indigestion.
‘I’ve got to get back to the shop. I’ve left Harry on his own. I’m glad everything worked out for you and you got everything you wanted.’
He walks out before I can stop him. I’m left watching him and realising that I didn’t.
I look down at my panini and push the plate away. I’m not hungry.
I can’t let him walk away from me like this. I run over to the till and thrust the money in the waitress’s face, not bothering to wait for the change.
‘Ben!’ I shout as I run down the street after him. ‘Ben!’
He turns round and if I thought he looked unhappy to see me before, now he looks angry.
‘I’ve got to get back to work.’
‘But I don’t understand what’s going on.’
‘What’s going on?’ he says with an almost manic laugh. He runs his fingers through his messy hair, before pushing up the arms of his long-sleeved T-shirt. ‘What’s going on is that I’m disappointed. Do you even realise how much you’ve changed over the last few months? You’ve become a different person to the unconfident and scared girl I met on Hayling Island. Watching you cycling and pushing yourself even though you were terrified. That day in Paris you had this energy about you and it was like watching a butterfly emerge from a chrysalis. So what’s going on is that I’m disappointed that Joseph’s come back and you’re giving up on the list when you were so close to finishing it. And I thought you were going to take charge of a new list by yourself and sort out what you wanted from life.’
I feel like I’ve been winded and my eyes are hot as the tears are starting to burn.
‘Maybe I won’t change if we get back together. Maybe I’ll carry on with the new me.’
‘Do you believe that?’ he asks.
I don’t believe it. That’s part of the reason I’m so conflicted about Joseph. I know he hasn’t changed and whilst he’s still a man that I want, I’m not so sure he’ll want the woman I’ve become.
Ben takes my silence as an answer and goes to walk away again.
‘I can’t help that I’m in love with him.’
‘Oh, right. You love Joseph. Of course you do,’ he says turning round to face me again.
‘I do,’ I say, suddenly very conscious of how loud my voice has become on a public street. I’m sure there are passers-by that are taking a great interest, but I’m so livid with Ben that I’m not noticing them. ‘And what would you know about love anyway?’
‘Excuse me?’
He steps closer to me and I can see the anger glowing in his eyes.
‘Look at you and Tammy and your on/off relationship and your fear of getting hurt. You’re clearly not capable of having a proper relationship and being in love with someone.’
‘Clearly,’ he practically spits at me. I’m surprised I’m not wounded by the venom that came with it.
He turns and walks away from me, and this time I let him. I’ve got nothing left to say, and he’s made it quite clear how he feels.
Our friendship was going to be over when the list finished anyway and this makes it even easier to sever all ties.