“I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
Just try and love me if you can.
Are you strong enough to be my man?”
-Strong Enough, Sheryl Crow
Monthly meeting of the Scarlet Letter Society.
*Blackbirds Pie shop
Friday, January 4, 2013
5:30 a.m.
*Since Zarina and Stanley have disappeared for a sudden vacation week together, apparently inspired by the divine wedding of Wes and Alfred, we will meet at Lisa’s shop. Fuck all the slut-shaming guilt and death in the books we’ve been reading. No book this month; it’s on hiatus until we find something more upbeat to read. Happy New Year, all!
“The scarlet letter was her passport into regions where other women dared not tread.”
-The Scarlet Letter, Nathaniel Hawthorne
Eva saw the email from Maggie and smiled despite her somber locale. She sat in the chair opposite Joe as they waited to sign their divorce paperwork. She had been not unpleasantly surprised at the speed with which the paperwork had been drawn up. Joe had admitted adultery so that they could obtain an instant divorce. She thought that was ironic considering the degree to with she’d been unfaithful as well.
“Are you smiling because our marriage is over?” Joe asked, not in an unkind way.
“No, Joe,” Eva responded. “I was smiling at an email from Maggie. I am absolutely not happy our marriage is over. 15 years is a long time to be with someone and have it come to an end. I think it’s sad.”
“I am not sure where exactly we went wrong,” said Joe. “But I want you to know that I wish I could have been a better husband, and I hope this all goes peacefully and we can remain friends.”
“Thanks, Joe,” said Eva. “I haven’t by any stretch been the best wife, either. We’re always going to be the parents of our boys, and that will never change, so I think it would be a lot easier and certainly a lot nicer if we remained friends. I don’t see any reason why we shouldn’t.”
“Me either,” said Joe.
They’d already discussed the arrangement with the house and boys. They would share custody. Joe would stay at an apartment in Baltimore near the hospital, and Eva was moving to the cottage, where the boys would visit her most weekends. She planned to fix up the guest house for them. Joe and Eva would each have a bedroom at the house in Keytown, and they’d alternate caretaking of the boys from there for the next few years until they were off to college. This way the boys didn’t have to move from their home during high school.
The boys had taken it well, surprising both Joe and Eva with their maturity. Calvin had said the most important thing was that they were each happy, which had brought tears to Eva’s eyes, and Graham had nodded his head in agreement. There was no doubt it was a sad ending, but the four of them agreed that they’d always be family, and that this was what was important. Despite their efforts to put a big-boy face on it, Eva could see the hurt and anger the boys felt. She worried about how it would affect them, whether they would act out.
And so, in less than 30 minutes in a well-appointed but chilly law office and the signing of a twelve-page document in triplicate, a marriage was over.
Maggie and Ted took their coffees from the barista and found a table in “The Other Coffee Shop”, which is what she called the Starbucks downtown. She rarely set foot in the place, obviously preferring Z’s. For many years, the debate about whether the big chain should even be allowed to open their rubber-stamp coffee shop in the historic town raged. Some people thought it would destroy the small-town charm, others thought it was a sign the state’s second biggest city had arrived and besides, Starbucks was renovating a gorgeous old place, not tearing something down to build something new. Ultimately, the chain won. It had clearly permeated the nation’s coffee psyche, and not enough people were that passionately against the idea. Besides, Z’s business never suffered. A town couldn’t have too may coffee shops and her shop’s funky vibe was preferred by most locals to the mermaid with the wavy hair.
“So I have news,” said Ted.
“Oh yeah?” asked Maggie.
“I quit my job,” he said. “And I’m leaving on a jet plane.”
“Nashville,” Maggie said, and she smiled, because she knew it meant he was following his dream.
“Yep,” he said. “I can’t believe a bunch of middle aged guys like us are pulling up roots and running away with our garage band like teenagers, but we are.”
“I had a feeling you’d go for it,” said Maggie. “And good for you. I will miss you, but it’s sure been fun to have you around.”
“Ah, Mags,” said Ted. “I’m gonna write a song about you. You’re the kinda girl a guy only meets once, and should write a song about.”
“Awshucks, Ted,” Maggie said playfully. “That’s a very sweet thing to say.”
And then she heard a familiar voice.
“Well look who it is,” said Wes, walking over with his mocha latte. “This one never shows her face in here.” He looked at Ted and tilted his head toward Maggie.
“You know Zarina is closed today,” said Maggie. “Sit down.”
“Sure I’m not interrupting anything?” said Wes.
“Nah, have a seat,,” said Ted.
“Now all we need is whatshername and we’ll have a real party,” said Wes, looking at Maggie.
“Kate?” said Maggie. “Her name is Kate. And fortunately for you, Ted knows about her now.”
“Yeah, Mags, what is going on with Dr. Strangelove?” said Ted. “You girls still gettin it on?”
“Do tell,” said Wes.
“Hoo-ha is complicated,” said Maggie. “It was a fun place to visit, and I wouldn’t rule out future encounters with women, but I’m not sure I want to live there.”
“That’s what I always said, and I didn’t even like the visit,” said Wes, making a gagging motion.
Ted looked at Maggie.
“Well, I guess we’re all ‘friends of Maggie’ here,” he said, “so I have another question. What’s going on with you and that first husband of yours?”
“I guess the same thing that’s always been going on,” said Maggie. “What do you mean?”
“I think you still love him,” said Ted.
“Well, duh, she’s cheated on every damn guy she’s been with for Dave and only Dave,” said Wes. “Why not just do Dave?”
Maggie felt awkward talking about this in front of Ted—they’d never really discussed her feelings for Dave. But now her life would be less complicated since he was leaving, without the need for some childish breakup. They could store away their time together, be thankful for it, and move on.
“I am doing Dave,” she said. “I even spent the night in the old house.”
“Oh, Lordy,” said Wes. “That’s a big one.”
“Yeah,” said Maggie, “I know.”
“You know what I think?” said Ted. “I think you’re so used to being the strong one, not letting go, being in control, that it’s hard for you to admit you need him.”
“Well thank you, Dr. Freud, for your analysis,” said Maggie
“What a sensitive and brilliant thing for a straight man to say,” said Wes. “He is absolutely fucking right, Margaret. You don’t have to spend the rest of your life bed-hopping. No offense, Ted.”
“None taken,” said Ted.. “I just think if Maggie’s never fallen out of love with Dave, it’s ok to admit it.”
“Well, I know I never stopped loving him,” said Maggie. “But I guess it’s been hard to say I needed anyone except my girls, but now they’re women.”
“You know, there’s nothing wrong with being married,” said Wes. “I love it so far. Can’t wait to leave for our honeymoon in Cancun next month. You straight motherfuckers take marriage for granted all the time. We just fought to finally get marriage legal and you’re all divorcing everybody. Anyway, if you married Dave again, you wouldn’t have to cheat on people with him.”
“Marriage? I obviously fail at marriage,” said Maggie. “But you boys are both right: I do always end up back in Dave’s arms. Maybe it’s because it is where I’m supposed to be.”
“Hear, hear!” said Wes.
They all raised their coffees in the air.
Lisa and Jim sat in the waiting room of the gray-walled doctor’s office nervously. A couple ten years younger sat beside them, and across the room a single woman who was ten years older. They glanced at the clocks, they glanced at their phones, they glanced at the brochure they’d been handed at the desk when they checked in. The other couple was taken to the back. They waited. The single woman patient was taken back. They waited more.
“Thank you,” said Lisa, under her breath, and without looking up.
“For what?” asked Jim.
“Thank you for coming here and doing this with me,” said Lisa.
“You shouldn’t have to thank me, Lisa,” said Jim. “We both want a baby. I feel bad that we haven’t been able to conceive one on our own, and we should do whatever we can to make a family happen. It’s what we both want. You don’t need to thank me.”
“I’m scared,” she said.
“Why, honey?” asked Jim.
“It’s why I haven’t been asking you to come here sooner,” said Lisa. “I’m just scared of what we’re going to discover. What if something is wrong, and for some reason we can’t have a baby. It would be devastating to find that out.”
All those journal entries, she thought. I’ve written and written this scene out so many times and I just don’t know how it’s going to end. I want it to end with a baby in my arms. Jim took her hand.
“Knowing something for fact is going to be better than wondering and worrying,” he said. “We need to find out where we’re so we can figure out where we’re going. I’m glad we’re here. It’s a first step in the journey that will hopefully end with our little family.”
“I never knew you felt that way about it,” said Lisa. “We’ve just never really talked about it that much.”
“Well one of things I realized,” said Jim, “Is that we weren’t talking enough. I’m not going to let that happen anymore.”
“Thank you for that, too,” said Lisa, and she smiled at her husband.
“Stop thanking me for things you don’t need to be thanking me for,” said Jim,. “I loved you enough to sell all those shoes on ebay, didn’t I? The new nursery is going to be so nice. One way or another, we will have our family. Ok?”
“Ok,” said Lisa, smiling.
They had talked about adoption and it was an option they were both willing to consider if they couldn’t conceive naturally. Egg donor, in vitro, surrogate mother, adoption, whatever it took was fine with both of them.
The nurse walked in. “Mr. and Mrs. Swain?”
And they walked back to meet the doctor at the fertility clinic.
Lisa had set up a table for three in the bakery and made chocolate croissants from scratch. It was nice to be able to prepare something for her friends. The coffee (nothing fancy here; they’d have to settle for cream and sugar) was brewing and the smell of the baking chocolate and pastry filled the air.
Maggie and Eva walked down the street together. Though Maggie wore a vintage faux fur coat and Eva wore a modern black one with clean lines, they were bundled in practically matching hats and gloves and scarves; Lisa knew the knit shop a few blocks over where the items had been made; she was a fan as well.
They opened the door, bringing in a whoosh of cold winter air. As she hugged the other two women she could feel the cold rise off their skin and clothing. Good mornings were wished all around. Lisa’s bakery had a small fireplace; it was gas and not as quaint as a wood burning fireplace, but it did the trick, and the women gathered around it, waiting to take off coats until the worst of the chill was off their bodies.
“So what’s going on with Stanley and Zarina?” asked Lisa.
“Kate called me,” said Maggie. “Apparently after being inspired by the glorious gay wedding on New Year’s Eve, the two of them went to Vegas and eloped.”
“Oh my God!” said Lisa.
“They’re adorable,” said Eva. “I’m so happy for them. Let’s surprise them with a little shower when they get back.”
“Definitely,” said Lisa. “I have to ask: did Zarina ever find out about you and her mom?”
“Nah, we decided it could just be too much emotionally for her, so neither of us said anything,” said Maggie.
“So you gave up our dead sluts book club, huh?” Eva asked Maggie.
“I never meant for the whole thing to turn into such a depressing monthly chore, for shit’s sake,” said Maggie. “I just can’t believe how far our society hasn’t come in dealing with women having affairs.”
The women took off coats, fixed their coffees and took seats by the fire.
“When a man is cheating on a woman, he has a mistresses,” said Eva. “When a woman is cheating on a man, she has a…a what? A mister? There isn’t even a word for it.”
“I read an article online at a women’s health website that referred to it as ‘affair partner,’” said Lisa, and the other women laughed as Lisa pulled out her perpetually present and well-worn journal.
“Well this month I did actually find a modern book about affairs, because I was trying to learn about myself and why I have been unfaithful over the years,” said Maggie, taking out her copy of the book and turning to a dog-eared page. “It’s not a novel and no women off themselves. Imagine that. It’s called When Good People Have Affairs, and the author Mira Kirshenbaum writes,
‘When a man cheats, he’s living up to the image of untrustworthy horndog; when a woman cheats, she’s betraying the idea that women are intrinsically faithful. Clearly, neither stereotype is true.’”
Lisa read the notes from the women’s health article.
“79 percent of women said having an affair with a taken man was never acceptable, a surprising 46 percent admitted to having done it--and more than half said they felt no regrets. When asked whether she’d rather be a mistress or a deceived wife, more than 62 percent opted for the former, saying the forbidden fling wasn’t part of a scheme to snag a husband and that they had no desire to marry the guy.”
“Well look at you two,” said Eva. “I was watching sappy movies and drinking wine and collecting sea glass, but I’m glad my fellow Scarlet Letter Society members have all been doing research!”
“You know, now that you’re divorced, you’re not technically cheating on anyone unless you count cheating on Ron and Charles with each other,” observed Maggie.
“And news flash: Ron and I are over. Fun while it lasted, time for both of us to move on. No hard feelings. He got a job at another firm. So wait, are you trying to throw me out of the Scarlet Letter Society, Margaret?” said Eva, smiling.
“Of course not,” said Maggie. “Once you’ve been branded, you’ve been branded. There are two types of women: those who have cheated, and those who haven’t. And once you have become a wearer of the proverbial scarlet letter, there’s no going back to the other side, even if you never cheat again.”
“What about you?” asked Eva. “I can barely seem to keep up with your life and ‘who’s zooming who’ as Aretha so charmingly called it.”
“It’s actually become surprisingly simplified,. I’m too old for this shit. Ted is leaving to go be a rock star,” said Maggie. “So I guess we won’t be seeing each other again since he’ll be in Nashville.”
“Wow,” said Lisa. “That is big news. What about Kate?”
“I like Kate,” said Maggie, and they all laughed. “But I’m not sure about a serious ongoing relationship. I was bi-curious, obviously, though I can’t say I even knew I was, but I don’t really know what that road holds for me if anything in the future. Of course as we all know I remain open-minded about it. You never know.”
“So wait a minute,” Eva said. “If you aren’t a fake lesbian anymore, Ted is taking off, and your divorce to #2 is finally final, then who the hell are you cheating on, Maggie? Maybe we should throw you out of the Scarlet Letter Society, too, ya big hypocrite.”
“Oh, fuck you,” said Maggie. “I’m just tired, that’s all. My love life has been quite a damn rollercoaster and I sort of feel like the ride’s been great, but I want to get off.”
“Oh you’ve gotten off all right,” said Eva, laughing.
“What about Dave?” Lisa asked Maggie.
“Dave,” said Maggie. Her eyes seemed far away for a moment. “The only guy I’ve never stopped fucking.”
“The only guy you’ve never stopped loving, too?” asked Lisa.
“Yeah, that too,” said Maggie. “Though for some reason it wasn’t easy for me to admit it. When I was back in the house over Christmas and the four of us were together at the breakfast table, I felt like I was home. I hadn’t felt that way in a long, long time.”
“You know what the bitch in the sparkly red shoes says,” said Eva. “There’s no place like home.”
“That’s so true,” said Lisa, smiling. “And I’m happy to say I’m no longer an owner of any sparkly red shoes.”
“And, what about you, Junior SLS member?” asked Maggie. “If technically Eva and I are entering the ‘Wild Oats Already Sown’ stage of our lives, it would leave you as the only active member of the club.”
“Yeah, I should get you two a couple of Clappers and some Geritol for sure,” said Lisa,. Then she thought for a minute. “Being the sole wearer of the scarlet letter sounds like a lonely place to be.”
“For women who cheat on their husbands, it is a lonely place,” said Maggie. “If you don’t know anyone else who has cheated, it’s not like you can go to some Facebook fan page and find a bunch of other cheating women to hang around and discuss your feelings with.”
“I have a confession to make,” said Lisa. “You two aren’t the only ones who feel like you don’t belong in this club. I never did. I never slept with Ben. I only kissed him, and that was only recently. I lied to you, and I am really, really sorry.”
Maggie and Eva looked at each other as though to do a quick assessment of how to handle this odd and shocking news.
Maggie couldn’t help but laugh: lying seemed so out of character for Lisa. “Secret club breach! Alert the society police!” she said, chuckling.
“Why?” said Eva.
“When I met the two of you, I wanted so badly to cheat on Jim with Ben,” said Lisa. “I thought maybe I could learn from you how you did it. But then, I couldn’t do it. I just decided not to go down that road, because I knew there was no turning back. If I had a membership card in my purse, I would hand it back.”
“Nah,” said Maggie. “I think we can accept you as an honorary member, especially when we’re not even going to technically be members ourselves anymore.”
“Things have changed for me. Jim and I went to fertility treatment,” said Lisa. “And he started seeing a therapist about his foot fetish so he could stop driving me nuts with the shoe shit. He sold the shoes and painted the shoe room with hopes it will eventually be a nursery. I have been much happier at home. I don’t feel like I just want to leave anymore, I feel like I want to stay. I want a baby. I want a family. Those are the things that are important to me.”
“Hang on a second,” said Eva, smiling. “The three of us are the worst red A-club ever. Our Hussy of the Month club cards- expired? Invalidated? This is madness.”
“Well, who needs a club?” said Maggie. “We know we’re all bonded by our common choices, our histories, our …”
“Our sex drives?” asked Eva, smirking.
“Yeah, I guess so,” said Maggie.
“Our passion in life,” said Lisa.
“Yes,” said Maggie. “That’s more it. We’re the kind of women who need the strongest kind of men. Men who can be there without making us feel like we need them there. Who allow the independence they know we want and are secure enough to not feel threatened when we stray.”
“It’s not about them,” said Eva. “When we cheat. I never blamed Joe. When people cheat on each other, it could be said it’s ‘both their faults’ because it means they weren’t happy in the first place, but it’s always a choice.”
“It’s a choice,” said Lisa.
“You make the choice to cheat because you’re coming from a place of unhappiness,” said Maggie. “It’s not to hurt the other person, even a person you love. It’s because you’re trying to find yourself, as selfish as that may sound. But you can’t walk around lost.”
“It’s true,” said Eva. “Somehow you were not getting what you needed, so you can go out looking for it all you want, but you have to eventually find it within yourself, not with some guy.”
“Do you miss them?” asked Lisa to Maggie and Eva. “Ted? Ron? Do you miss them when they aren’t in your life anymore?”
“You have to be thankful for the time you had with them,” said Maggie. “No reason for regrets, because it’s part of who you are now. It’s all about finding happiness when you figure out what that means for you, and holding on to memories, but what’s that saying, about letting some things fall apart so that better things come together.”
“Oh no,” said Eva. “I feel like you’re about to go Dr. Seuss on us. She’s right, though. I don’t think there is any reason to beat ourselves up about it. Guilt is something we’re taught, and something we have to unlearn. Go ahead Maggie, something about being happy or sad it’s over or something?’
“Don’t cry because it’s over,” said Maggie, making air quotes in the air. “Smile because it happened.”
“Says the good doctor,” said Lisa, jotting the quote down in her faithful journal.