PFC James Schmitt
I can’t believe I held her down against her will! What the hell was I thinking? I made a quick Wally World stop to get Trisha some PJ’s and thought about breaking into a jewelry store to get her something pretty, but I didn’t know how I could apologize for what I had done.
The shower was off, but I could feel the humidity in the air as I entered the hotel room. I knocked lightly on the bathroom door, but didn’t get a reply. Flopping on one of the king-size beds I grabbed the remote and started surfing.
“Jimmy, you out there?”
“Yeah.”
The door creaked as it opened and Trisha came out with just a towel wrapped around her chest. I instantly caught my breath and felt disgusted by myself at the same time. Jesus, her kid’s fighting for his life and all I can think about is whipping off that towel. Trish walked over to a loveseat while using her fingers as a comb.
“I forgot a brush.”
“May I?’’ I crossed to her and started running my fingers through her wet tangles. I made sure that I was being as gentle as I could. “I’m sorry about earlier. I’ve never been good about the whole man thing.”
“Tell me the truth, Jimmy. Have you ever hit a woman?” Her hair started to stiffen and freeze in between my fingers. Quickly I pulled them away and walked across the room.
“What the heck?” I could see the concern and fear in her eyes as her fingers replaced mine. “How did my hair get so cold?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry? Can you turn up the heat, please?”
Cranking the heat up as high as I could, I turned back around. I knew I was going to freeze her if I told the truth. Crossing the room I stayed far away from her and curled into myself on the bed.
“I was in Korea,” I started, hoping that the voice was only in my head, but Trish turned toward me. “I killed a woman. She came into our camp carrying something. I tried to tell her to stop.” Trish had curled her legs underneath her, completely forgetting about her hair. “I knew a few words in Korean, but she kept walking forward. The look in her eye was frightening. I was so young.”
“You’re still young.”
“Not after that night. Growing up hurts when it comes all at once. I tried shooting a warning shot, but she kept walking.”
“Oh, Jimmy.”
“Don’t placate me.” I looked at her and laughed. “Yes, I know fifty cent words.” I paused before coming back around to the story. “I shot her through her chest. Right where she was cradling the baby she had just delivered.”
“Oh my God.” Trish’s hands covered her mouth and I knew that she had to be freezing because I felt like shit.
“I still remember using the muzzle of my rifle to pull back the cloth she was wrapped in.” Finally I lifted my eyes and locked on Trish’s. My voice dropped an octave. “Have I ever hit a woman? No. But I killed one. You want me to leave?”
She shivered and swallowed hard.
“No.” Her eyes looked pained. “I apologize for bringing it up. Not every soldier gets out unscarred and I know that.”
“I know I’m not your first soldier.”
“And I’m not your first barmaid.”
Silently we sat until I could hear the watch on my wrist tick.
“We don’t know each other very well, do we?” Breaking the silence, I stretched.
“Guess not.”
“I want to…know you.”
“I’d like that too.”
“Oh, sorry. I got you pajamas.” I got up and passed her the plastic bag.
“Thanks?” She looked really confused.
“Is there something wrong?”
“No, I’m surprised you got flannels. I thought you’d get me something…”
“Silky and small.”
“Yeah.”
“Now you know something else about me.”
“You like me covered up.”
“I’m respectful enough to cover you up so I don’t ravage you in your sleep.”
“That’s a theory.” she smiled. “What’s this?” She held a small mirror I bought.
“When I looked in it, it wasn’t very pretty, but I think…” I walked over and held it up behind her so I could clearly see her face. “Ahhh, that’s better. Now I bought you something pretty.”
“Funny.”
“Beautiful,” I corrected as I kissed her neck. “You better put on the pajamas.”
“I don’t want to wear pajamas. I’d rather wear your shirt.”
“Why?”
“Because you’d have to take it off.”
“Am I going to have to dance while I take it off?”
“You do know how to distract a girl.”
“You’re a woman,” I corrected as I walked in front of her. I pulled her up and held her close to me. “You know I’d give you the shirt off my back, but you don’t seem to be in need of clothing.”
“I don’t, huh?” She smiled and undid the tuck in her towel, making it drop into a puddle at her feet. “I think I need something.”
“Now why did you have to go and do that? You know what you do to me.”
“Tell me.”
I let my lips touch hers and I was done. Like every time my hand went up her back until I could cradle her head in my hands, I couldn’t let her go. God help me I want her so badly it hurt. I’ve never understood it until this moment. The way that KK looks at Nye is the way I kiss Trish. I kiss her like she’s the most wonderful person in the world. Every ounce of my soul wants to keep the connection between us at all costs.
Pulling back, I looked in her midnight blue eyes and I saw more. For the first time in a year and a half I allowed myself to feel it.
“I love you, Trish.”
She stepped back, grabbed up her towel, and ran to the bathroom.
* * * *
Trisha O’Driscoll
That wasn’t a caught up in ecstasy moment. Sure the kiss was great, but that. That was real. Too real. I just ran out on a man for telling me he loved me. What the hell is the matter with me? He’s supposed to be my escape, but he took me way too far. That’s not what I wanted.
Yes, it is. I turned to the door and held on the door handle. He’s left. James isn’t one to open up and when he does I throw it back in his face.
“Did you mean it?” I asked through the door, thinking I’d get no response.
“Did you?”
“I…I…I don’t know. It’s kind of a weird time for me.”
“I should go.”
“No.” I stretched the door open so fast I slammed my toe. “Fuck! Oh my God.” I fell to the tile floor and grabbed for my foot.
“I prefer when you say that during sex.”
“Smart-ass.” I looked up at him as he bent down to examine my foot.
“I’m not kissing it. My timing sucks. Right now you need to focus on Colin and I’m not part of your life. At least not your real life.”
“It’s not that I haven’t thought about it. You’re a lot like Colin.”
“Is that why you treat me like a child?”
“You’re both going to leave me.”
“And we both don’t want to.” His hand found my face and turned it up so I could look in those beautiful blue pools. He scooped me up and placed me on the bed, then finally pulled off his T-shirt. There was a knock on the door and I jumped, but he just smiled and kissed the corner of my mouth. “I noticed you hadn’t ordered so I did. Don’t argue with me. I do know your looks.”
I got to see that nice view of him walking to the door. His back strong and tattooed with his pants hanging on his hips. Sitting in his T-shirt, I rolled on to my stomach and watched as he carried the tray to the table. He looked over his shoulder and smiled.
“In bed?”
“I’ve been trying to get you there for a while now.”
“You only mentioned recently.”
“That’s true…but would you mind? Eating in bed can always be fun.”
“Should I bring the food?”
“For the first course.”
“Look at you being all nasty. Well, I got you a side salad, a chicken breast, and some steamed rice.”
“And you get?”
“Steamed asparagus, mashed potatoes and a steak.”
“If you don’t give me the real food I’m going to kick your ass.”
“How was I to know?” he joked, then pulled two identical meals out. “I told you that you were a woman.”
His phone made me jump. “Sorry, I have to take this.”
He walked to the corner and answered while I ate my asparagus.
“Schmitt…I’m busy…Dilana will…what? Kiriana, calm down. Calm down. It’s one night—he’ll let you go out tomorrow, I’m sure. No…KK, don’t do that, you’ll regret it later. Just go to your room or hang out in the garden, but take it…I wasn’t going to say easy…I was going to say you should take it like a man."
“Okay, I was going to say easy, but, KK, you are in a…” Jimmy rocked on his heels. I could hear the screaming on the other end of the phone. Couldn’t make out the words though. Jimmy just winked at me. “I’ll be at group tomorrow and…I can’t be there for you today. Forgive him. Beat him. Swear at him, but I can’t be there for you today.”
After his phone snapped shut, he turned to me and smiled like nothing had happened. “Where were we?”
“Is everything okay?”
“Minor meltdown from my partner.”
“Is she going to be safe tonight without you?”
“Oh that.” He tossed his phone in his boots. “It wasn’t about me not being there.”
“It sounded like it.”
He cut a piece of steak then twirled the fork a few times. “Open,” he ordered while holding the meat by my lips. I obliged and he slid the warm salty meat in. I chewed slowly while keeping my eyes locked on him. “That wasn’t about me.”
Covering my mouth, I raised my eyebrow and said, “Don’t lie to me. I can’t handle it right now.”
“She’s been grounded,” he explained as I cut him a piece of meat. Returning the favor of feeding me he replied, “Thank you. Her oth—husband won’t let her go to work. But it’s not because I’m not there. She’s pregnant and we’re not sure how to deal with that.”
“It’s not like you’re in a battle zone,” I said, focusing back on my food.
His eyes seemed to check out on me.
“And what do you do so late at night?”
“It varies.”
“How can her husband stop her from working? Won’t she be AWOL or something?”
“He’s our commanding officer; he can pretty much do what he wants.”
“He must trust you then if he assigned his wife to you.”
Jimmy raised an eyebrow and I noticed those bruises on his face that had been only slightly faded in the hospital were now almost gone. Hadn’t he said his partner’s husband had given them to him? Strange.
“Or not,” I said as I stroked under his right cheekbone with my thumb. “How long ago did this happen? He couldn’t still be too mad, these are almost faded.”
“I’m a fast healer. Now you need to heal. How about a massage and you can go to sleep? I’ll be up and wake you if your phone rings.”
“You don’t need to do that.”
“I work nights. I’m usually up till at least four.”
I finished eating as I sat in between Jimmy’s legs and he rubbed my neck and shoulders until I passed out in his arms.
I’d have stayed that way, but someone was tickling my toes. I woke to Jimmy holding tight to my stomach with his face buried in my hair. I would have never taken him for a cuddler. But with him behind me it couldn’t be him tickling my feet. I raised my head slightly and saw Colin.
“Mommy, can I snuggle with you and Daddy?”
I turned my head to make sure Jimmy was behind me. Even asleep he lifted his head enough to kiss my cheek before he held my body tighter to his.
“That’s not daddy, Colin. He’s mommy’s friend, Jimmy.”
“No, he’s my daddy,” he stated plainly, then crawled up the bed and curled against my stomach. “He loves me like a daddy so he’s my daddy.”
“Oh, sweetie…” I smiled and started to play with his hair as he yawned.
“He likes to kiss you, doesn’t he?”
“Um…” I got nervous. “How long have you been here?”
“Not long, but when you were sleeping he kept kissing you.”
“Why aren’t you in the hospital?”
“I’m tired of bein’ there. I don’t want to be there anymore.”
“Colin, you need to be there. They’re going to make you better.”
“No more, Momma. I’m ready to be done. You have Daddy so you won’t be alone.”
I never thought something Colin said would chill me so much. “I’m not alone, I have you,” I pleaded as needles went up my back from the fear of losing him. I wasn’t prepared. The classes, the therapy, all of it was for nothing.
“No, Momma. It’s time for me to go. I love you, mommy.”
“No.” I started to wake up more and be more firm in my commands to Colin. “Colin, you are staying with me.”
“Momma, I hurt. I’m tired of hurt. Please let me go. You have Daddy. He’ll take care of you like I did.”
“Colin…” His eyes were closing and he started fading right before me. I kept reaching for him, but he became like a ghost and I could no longer hold tight to him. “Colin. Colin.”
I screamed as I sat straight up. I woke up pulling back the covers and running across the room.
“Trish?” A sleepy Jimmy came to life. “Trish, what’s wrong?”
“Colin. He’s…” I couldn’t explain how I knew he was dying. The last time he came to me in a dream his heart had stopped and I had to do CPR. “I have to get to the hospital.”
“Okay. Okay. Trish, it’s going to be okay.” Jimmy held me tight, but I couldn’t feel comforted. Not this time.
“He told me goodbye. He can’t die, Jimmy. He can’t.”
Jimmy released me and moved as fast as I was to get dressed. It was his boots that were holding him up. I grabbed his keys and took off for the elevator.
“Trish.” Jimmy called as he rushed down the hall with his boots still unlaced. “Trish.” He grabbed me and his keys. “I’ll get you there. Nothing has changed with Colin. Your phone hasn’t rang all night.”
I nodded, but wasn’t convinced. “What time is it?” I asked, flipping my phone on so I could see the time. “Labs will be back any minute. They’re not going to be good.”
“Hey, you don’t know that. Didn’t the doctor tell you they were going to up the antibiotics?” I nodded, but kept pushing the button for the stupid elevator. “So we’ll see what happened and go from there. Whatever happens I’ll be there for you.”
“I’m not ready.”
Jimmy helped me into the elevator with his arm around my waist. “You’ll never be ready. You won’t be ready for the transplant, you won’t be ready for recovery, and you won’t be ready for any part of it.”
“Jimmy…”
“Yeah.”
“Thank you for last night.”
“That was nothing. The room will be here as long as you need it.”
The elevator dinged and the doors opened to the bustling lobby. Everyone was grabbing their breakfast and getting ready for whatever their day would hold.
“That’s not necessary.”
“Yes, it is. I probably won’t be able to be with you every night but I’ll be here as much as I can.”
His hand intertwined with mine as we made our way to his car. Driving to the hospital and even walking to Colin’s room was in slow motion. The eyes of the staff were consoling. They knew. I knew. But I couldn’t. I froze at the door to the ward. The nurse’s station was in view. Would crossing ten feet of linoleum flooring end my son’s life? Were they just keeping him alive until I returned?
My chest burned and my knees buckled. Jimmy caught me at my waist and I crumpled against his body.
“I can’t.”
“You don’t have to,” he replied. “Let’s go sit by the windows so you can gather yourself.”
“If I go in there he’s gone.”
My eyes locked on the room in the corner with the curtains drawn back. I could see Colin’s little body on the bed. Sleeping, yet not peaceful. Jimmy guided me to the chairs by the windows. A small couch was there so we could sit side by side. Like last night Jimmy didn’t fully take me away, he just held me. I crawled on his lap and was engulfed in his arms that today seemed so large.
His hand ran over my hair, petting and calming me more. Preparing me for the day I knew would come, but suddenly couldn’t face.
“You ever…lost someone close to you?”
“Yes,” he said softly as he kissed the crown of my head.
“Do you get over it?”
“No.”
“Does it get easier?”
“No…maybe. I know I’m supposed to tell you each day the ache will be less. For you it might be. You fought. You did more than I ever did. I ran like a child. You’re going to be here for Colin. You’ll be able to hold his hand and say goodbye. I wasn’t strong enough to do that.”
“I don’t know if I am.”
“I do. You’ve fought. You didn’t give up. Neither did he.”
I pulled back and Jimmy wiped my tears with his thumb.
“Right now you need to go in there. What if he’s turned around? You’re assuming the worst.”
“I saw their faces. I talked to—I have to let him go.”
“Then don’t let him go alone.”