The Iron Duke and Admiral Fussington entered the royal chamber to find the king sitting on a plump cushion with his trousers rolled up while a woman rubbed the soles of his feet.
“Ah, Duke and Admiral thingy-bob, you really should try this. It’s called a foot massage and Me is an expert. Apparently she used to tend to the feet of the Emperor of China. Imagine the stories she could tell, if she could talk.”
“Can’t she talk?” asked Admiral Fussington.
“Yes, but only Chinese,” replied the king, “and Chinese is all Greek to me. Or double Dutch at least. Anyway, it’s very relaxing. What news do you bring?”
“The Steampunk Pirates got away with the jewels,” said Admiral Fussington.
“What?” The king kicked up his legs in anger. Me scowled and said something in Chinese.
The duke scowled at the admiral and said, “Your Majesty, you must understand…”
“I don’t want to hear more excuses. That was your last chance. Where’s my messenger?”
The messenger boy appeared from behind a velvet curtain. “Good evening. You’re through to Ralf. Please state the name of the person you would like to send a message to.”
“Mr Richmond Swift,” said the king.
“I think you said Mr Richmond Swift. Is that right?”
“Yes. Tell him that the Steampunk Pirates have escaped and that he has permission to destroy them using whatever means necessary. If he does this job well, the reward will be his.”
“Right.” Ralf scribbled down the message. “Now, would you like me to play your message back to you?” He gave his lute a couple of strums then began to sing in a high-pitched voice. “The Steampunk Pirates have escaped…”
“Stop that. Just deliver it – and quickly,” ordered the king.
“But, Your Majesty,” pleaded the Iron Duke. “The safety of the crown jewels can’t be trusted to a non-military man like Swift.”
“The pirates haven’t got the crown jewels, you fool,” snapped the king irritably.
“But we saw them,” said the duke.
“And felt them,” added Admiral Fussington, rubbing his head.
“Luckily for you two, Mr Swift guessed you would fail and had the real ones hidden and replaced with fakes. Now both of you get out. You’ve managed to ruin a perfectly good massage.”