21
Elise
By the end of the day, I’m at last clear about what I’m going to do. Having viewed a small cottage on the outskirts of Tangmere, I’ve managed to fast-track the usual rental process by paying a deposit and putting down three months’ rent in advance. It feels momentous, even though it’s the easiest part of my plan. What’s to follow is going to be much harder.
By the time I get home, I’ve decided not to wait to tell Niamh. I need to remove her from Andrew’s toxic influence right away. It will take us less than a day to pack the clothes and personal things that used to be so important to me. But I’m aware of a shift in my mindset. Only one thing matters, and that’s freedom.
Already I’ve mentally listed what I want to take—surplus china and cutlery in the kitchen that we’ve never used, spare bed linens, but most important are my photographs, books, the old case I have that’s filled with mementos of Niamh and Dylan growing up. As unwanted emotion wells up in me, I smother it before it can take hold. There will be a time to face the pain, but for now, I have to be strong.
When Niamh comes home, I wait for her to get herself a drink and go upstairs to change. When she comes back down, I seize the moment.
“Niamh? I need to talk to you about something.” When she looks up, her eyes are troubled; then I watch the familiar guarded look mask them. “Come and sit down.” I walk over to the sofa, sitting down, waiting for her to do the same. She seems reluctant as she perches next to me. I study her face. “You know how the other day, I told you I was going to do something to change things? Well, I’ve found a house, Niamh. For you and me.” I watch her blink several times. “We don’t have to stay with your father anymore, or put up with the way he treats us. It isn’t how families are supposed to be. You do realize that, don’t you?” To my horror, she starts to cry. I try to reassure her. “It will be OK. I’ll make it OK, I promise you...”
Just then, I hear Andrew’s car, back two hours earlier than I expected him. Before I can say anything else, Niamh gets up, then runs from the room, just as he throws the back door open. Even before I see his face, I can sense his mood. Not trusting myself to speak, I go upstairs to find Niamh, suddenly terrified she’ll tell Andrew what I’ve done.
At the top of the stairs, I knock softly on her door, then push it open. Sprawled on her bed, Niamh is sobbing her heart out.
“Niamh,” I whisper. “Honey...” The endearment is unfamiliar to both of us. “What is it?”
My blood chills as I make out her words through her muffled sobs. “I don’t want to go.”
“Niamh...” Beside her, I’m frozen. I’d been so convinced I was doing what we both wanted. Now, I don’t know what to say. “We’ll have a lovely home. It will be happy...” I’m desperate for her to believe me.
She sobs harder. “No...”
“I don’t understand.” I’m utterly bewildered. “He’s hateful to you, Niamh. To both of us.” But it’s what she’s used to; what we’re both used to. She doesn’t know any other way to be. The thought horrifies me, as I understand how blind I’ve been; how damaged she is. I sit on the edge of my daughter’s bed, and the reality hits me. I think of what she’s seen and heard; how she’s lost her brother, and then Hollie; in that moment, I recognize that she’s more frightened of Andrew than I’d known.