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I never thought I could care about anything more than myself, but this life growing inside me, I will do anything to protect it. This never should have happened. It wasn't supposed to be possible. I've gone fifteen years as a saloon girl and never once. Doctors said I was infertile. Apparently they were wrong. Jake has been wonderful these five months, he's been working on one of the turbines here so we managed a small set of rooms above a grocer's shop. We've been pretty happy, but he still pushes to go to San Francisco.
We haven't heard anything about Danny, which is just as well. She left us, I don't know that I am able to forgive her. He says that we have to go and find her. That my condition will surely bring her home to us. I'm not so sure. What if they find us first? He's told me that he knew them, that he didn't ever tell Danny. I just don't know if I should make this trip. He's packed and wants to go soon. I want to, but I want to be safe, I won't risk this baby. I'll sleep on it, I've already prayed on it, no answer there. But this baby seems restless, it kicks hard now, it's a strange feeling.
Jake is so happy and yet I see fear in his eyes at times. I suppose it's cuz he already lost one child. Which would make you think he would want to protect me instead of putting me in direct danger. I don't understand it, but that's nothing new. At first I was terrified, thinking I was going to give birth to some dog child. Jake assures me that will not be the case. His daughter Melissa had been perfect, just as this child will be. I hope he's right. He'll be back in the morning when the moon drops. I think we should have a talk then.
***
“VIOLET?” I HEAR JAKE's voice and I'm roused from happy dreams. I try to ignore him, but he's insistent as usual.
“What?” I cry hugging the pillow in my arms tighter. “I'm still sleeping.”
“We need to have a talk.”
I don't like the sound of that, so I roll over onto my back and he helps me to sit on the edge of the bed. Already I'm as big as a house, he says that's normal too. I'm not sure, but what would I know? Right now I just want food. As though he reads my mind yet again, he's got pastries with him.
“You're a God.” I smile grabbing a cheese filled puff, shoving it into my open mouth. “So talk.”
He gives me that sad smile of his and my face goes red instantly. His looks kill me some days. Today is one of those days apparently.
“I know that you don’t wanna go North with me. You've made it pretty clear you don't. But I need to know why. It's not just the child, that much I understand so please don't insult my limited intelligence.”
I swallow hard, almost choking and he gives me a cup of warm tea. I do sort of love this man. I sip the tea and clear my throat. My heart is racing, I'm sure he can hear it, so he knows I'm nervous. I can't lie, but what's the truth? The baby is it. Isn't it? I decide quickly to simply start talking and see what I say. I take his hand into mine and kiss his knuckles tenderly.
“Safety is a large part of it Jake. I can't exactly handle running if we get into trouble. I'm also afraid of ridin', I've heard of women losing babies that way.”
“Do you know how rare—”
I kiss his lips to silence him. “Please let me finish.” I plead gently. “It's a fear nonetheless. I ain't risking it. You got's to know what this baby, that wasn't supposed to happen, means for me. For you.” I hold his hands over my rounded belly and the baby kicks as though it knows. I laugh lightly and Jake smiles. “We need to keep it safe. But I think yer right, there's more to it. I'm not ready to do any of it. I wasn't tryin' to be a mom, or a wife type. Hell I don't even really like men all that much. I mean you can be trained, and I've done great work with you, but it's not what I thought my forever was gonna look like. Hell I didn't realize I wanted that until I met Danny. Then she left me.”
“Us.”
“Yes. Us. You're right. She left you too; I'm hurt and angry. So angry I don't know what I'll do if I see her now. I don't want to regret her, like you regret me.”
“Violet, I do no such thing!” Jake stands up hurt, it seems by my confession. “Jesus woman! Is that what you think? That I'm only here out of some kinship to that baby?” He points at me and around me. “If that were the case I would not be begging you to come with me! I wouldn't be so happy that you are carrying that child. You are not a burden to me! I love both of you! Dammit, you don't know that by now? I loved you before I knew you were carrying my child. That hasn't changed. I want to be with you as much as you want Danny. My fear has been the same as yours. That's the kick in the nuts. Here we are these five months both afraid that the other only wants Danny. It's about family. You and her? You are my family. I'm scared for all of us! I just want us all alive, safe and together.”
He is roaring at me, but I understand him. We want the same things. He collapses into my lap sobbing. I stroke his hair and curl it into my fingers as I slid off the bed to the floor. I kiss him on both cheeks and look him in the eyes. “I'll pack now.”