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Man. Woman. Lover. Wife. Brother. Sister. Wolf. Alpha. I've had all of these titles, and never knew what to do with the bulk of ’em as they came. I've fought alongside men who never knew I wasn't one of ‘em. I've loved women and men equally, leavin' me at odds with who I am. Now I'm bein' asked to give up the thing that has driven me for years. As J.D. and Violet sleep I find myself content again. Comfortable. Which of course leaves me feelin' uncomfortable. If I give up my rage who will I be? I've held it for so long. Determined to work it through, I silently pull myself out from their arms and to the smolderin' fire. I find Orion is the only one kickin' around. He is starin' at the smokin' embers, bouncin' the baby and hummin' a little song. It must be around three, as I can hear the birds but there is no sign of sun on the horizon.
“Where is everyone?” I whisper not wantin' to wake the baby, whose name I realize I have yet to find out.
“Sleepin' now I suppose, earlier everyone seemed to be fuckin', except me of course.” He has a huge smirk on his face as he looks at me.
I can’t hide the blush that fills my face. “You heard that huh?”
“I think all of Barin Island heard it. I'm guessin' it was him not you.”
“Fifty, fifty. Like it should be.”
“I bet.” He adjusts his arm. “I'm glad you're here. I've gotta take a major piss and didn't want to leave him. Here.” He stands up lowerin’ the baby into my unsure arms. It wiggles and writhes.
Orion laughs. “You gotta support his head, here hold him close, he likes that. Put his head in the crook of your arm.”
“Like this?” I ask terrified I'll drop him. He fusses and makes a little crying sound.
“Take it easy. He can feel what you're feeling. We all can, now. You need to calm down. Just look at his tiny face. Let him calm you down. I'll be right back.”
I stare into that little chub of a face and he opens his eyes, which reflect a bright yellow against the light of the fire. He has the wolf's reflection already. I feel a surge of panic and he starts to cry. I try bouncin' up and down while I walk toward where Orion has gone to piss. But I don’t seem to have the touch. He just starts wailin'. Next thing I know I am cryin' too. Orion comes from behind the tree, quickly as I call out for him. Scoopin' the baby up he shushes him and starts hummin' again and he starts to quiet. My heart is racin' as I try to calm down.
“How can somethin' so small cause such panic in me?”
“Because he's one more person relying on you. Until a few months ago the only person you had to worry about was you. Having family can sometimes be terrifying. But being separated is worse.”
“I know how you mean. I realize that I have not given you a decision about lettin' you and Kale stay with me. I wonder, do you really want to, now that you know there is no chance of this with me?” I motion to the baby and myself.
“That was never our goal to be honest. That was Aiolos' talking. We just wanted to be part of a pack again. He had little patience for us, and was always trying to put us off on others who came through. You were the only one we wanted to go with though.” He smiles as the baby coos. “Huh, Daniel, we want to stay with your other mommy? That's right, yes we do.” His voice takes on a childlike tone as he speaks.
“Daniel? Is that what Violet decided on?”
He nods. “She loves you very much, so does Jake.”
“You think so?”
“The woman risked losing her only chance at children to find you. I'd call that love any day. And him, well we could have killed him, and yet all he wanted was to blast through us to get to you.”
I blush again. It is true, after all. I do love ‘em too, but I am scared what lovin' ‘em means for me and the road I am goin' down. My agitation is returnin'.
Orion walks over to me, and looks me in my eyes, “You need to wrangle that. There is definitely something to the Natural Alpha stories, because I can feel how upset you are and I want nothing more than to hold you and tell you it’s okay. I'm not the most compassionate person, except when it comes to Kale. So this is new. Come on and sit with me. He needs a change anyhow. We are going to teach you about babies. And have a talk. Maybe that will calm you down.”
“I'm sorry if I'm makin' you uncomfortable. I don't know what I'm doin'. I have just been feelin' well. Everythin’.”
“It's a lot all at once. And in answer to your question. Kale and I aren't going anywhere you're not.” He puts his arm around me and leads me back to the fire for my lesson in baby changin'.
***
“SO WHAT HAS YOU ALL knotted up inside?” Orion asks as he takes the diaper off Daniel. I watch what he is doin' as I answer him.
“I've been alone for a long time. You know before all this wolf craziness. I liked my solitude. Doin' what I wanted, when and how. Bein' able to move uninhibited to wherever my huntin' took me. This job was all I had after losin' a husband and parents. It was so simple. Find the baddies, bring ‘em in, dead or alive. Sometimes they came kickin' and screamin' at the end of a rope attached to Blue over there. Other times I just brought back their head and their hands as proof they had been dispatched.”
“You do know that's pretty gruesome, even for a wolf right?”
“Thing was I wasn't a wolf remember? I mean it may have been in me, but it wasn't around to push me to do the things I did. It was just the job. Right and wrong, no real gray areas. You picked it up and you did the job. I never questioned why I did it. Or how I came to it. I always knew. It was to ready me for gettin' the bastards that murdered my parents. I'm so close to it. I've been so close to it. But I've allowed myself to get distracted time and again. I think that you will all be the death of me.”
Orion nods, handin’ me the baby again. “Do you want to see him grow up?”
“Yes.” I choke.
“Do you want to give him siblings?”
“Yes.” I cry.
“Then do what you need to do and don't die.”