Edward had been enjoying regular after-school chats with Birendra, but he thought it might be better if they could spend some time alone together. For both of them. Questions had come up in their conversations that seemed best to discuss in person. The boy’s aunt, for one. As a kind of celebration for Birendra’s completing his second week at his new school, Edward suggested to Maddy that he pick his nephew up and the two of them hang out at Edward’s place. He said he knew she was busy with work but was silently thinking it would also be preferable to another taxi ride with her assistant. What kind of assistant didn’t drive in LA, anyway? They might finally catch that movie later as well. And dinner. Make a Friday evening of it. Madeline could join them when she finished work, and Jane would be out late with her girlfriends at a bachelorette party. But now that they were here at his place, Edward realized there was another reason: he wanted to know what it felt like to have a child around with no other adults present. To see if it struck a paternal chord.
Birendra gravitated immediately toward the encyclopedia set Madeline had bought Edward as his graduation present. Watching him flip through the pages, Edward was tempted to give his nephew an early birthday gift. He’d found a beautiful set, and besides, it wasn’t like he could put the whole thing in a box and wrap it. But he decided to wait. Birendra’s birthday was only two weeks away. Perhaps he’d want to come over again before then.
“What are you looking up?”
“I wanted to see what a hedgehog looks like.”
Edward moved closer and looked at the entry over his nephew’s shoulder. Birendra was like a sponge. He loved to read and learn new things. He was always asking questions, probing questions. He didn’t simply ask why something was the way it was and stop there; he always wanted to understand. Driving home today, they got stuck in traffic next to a nearly empty bus. Why was the bus so empty? Why did people prefer to drive? Why indeed? Edward didn’t think he’d had the same curiosity at that age. He wondered where it came from. His mother’s encouragement? Some biological imperative for those having suffered the incomprehensible? It seemed to Edward the boy had every right to be solemn, angry, and in pain, but he somehow managed to navigate his new life without ever manifesting such negative but understandable feelings. And at such a young age. It was remarkable. Edward hoped it wasn’t a defense mechanism, that all the bad feelings weren’t being bottled up to one day explode. Was Edward just projecting? He couldn’t stop thinking about this aunt in London. He wanted to broach the subject again, but it made him feel guilty. For Birendra, it might be a difficult subject, certainly a reminder of all he’d lost. And yet it seemed important that he feel able to share whatever he wanted to about his life before he was adopted and that Maddy and Edward know as much as possible about his past. Why hadn’t the aunt gone to him when her sister died? It didn’t sound like they were estranged at all. But it was his own sister he felt most conflicted about. Was it even Edward’s place to get involved? Did Maddy already know about the aunt? And if she didn’t, and Edward admitted to trying to learn more about her, would Maddy feel betrayed? Would she take it to mean he didn’t think she was ready for motherhood? Is that what was driving him? All he knew for certain was that he was compelled to learn more.
“Last week, on the phone, you mentioned your aunt in London.” Birendra looked up from the encyclopedia and went rigid, staring at the wall in front of him. “I’m sorry. Do you mind talking about her?”
Now he looked at Edward, but he couldn’t get a read. The young boy had never felt so beyond Edward’s grasp.
“Have you been to London?” Birendra asked, either changing the subject or finding his way to it.
“I have, yes. Briefly, with Jane, a few years after we graduated from college. I had wanted to go to London for many years.” He seemed to have his nephew’s rapt attention. London was going to be Edward’s big escape after high school. Maddy had New York; he would have London. What would that life have looked like? His mind flashed from one possibility to another, each version canceling out some memory he wanted to keep, and now those included his time with his nephew. Few involved Jane in recent years, if he was honest. If anything, he would have been relieved to efface the memory that came to mind, that very same trip to London. “I…uh…met an English girl in high school and fell head over heels in love with her. Or so I thought.” This made Birendra giggle. It had been ages since Edward had thought of his high school crush. “One day she told me her family was going back to London. I was heartbroken and promised I would visit her. I even thought I’d try to go to college there.”
“But you didn’t go?”
“No. Not then. Life has a way of surprising us. I met Jane the summer after I graduated from high school.” He realized he sounded disappointed and tried to enliven his tone. “We ended up going to college together here in California.”
Years later, on that trip to London, Jane had been mysterious and quiet on the morning they went sightseeing around the city center, across bridges, through parks. Big Ben. Finally Edward had begged her to tell him what was wrong. He was sure she was going to break up with him, that it had taken traveling together for her to realize they weren’t right for each other after so many years. Then she collapsed into him, crying. “We fucked up,” she said, and her tone scared him. “I’m pregnant.” The words were so unexpected, so surprising and unbelievable—as though the connection between the sex they’d been having and the possibility of conception had never occurred to him—that she was already halfway across the street before Edward realized he was standing alone. What was he supposed to say or do? What did she want him to say and do? Every response felt wrong in its own way. He wasn’t even twenty-five. Could he be a good father so young? But she wasn’t interested in his questions. She’d decided what must be done and insisted on returning home alone to do it, to have the abortion. She was right then—they weren’t ready. But he was ready now, or so he believed. He wanted a family. And spending time with his nephew had made that more clear than ever. He felt he truly understood Maddy’s decision to adopt. You can’t always wait around for what you want to happen. He might be waiting forever with Jane.
The phone was ringing. Birendra had turned back to the encyclopedia. It was Jack calling, otherwise known to Edward and Maddy as that man. He’d never called Edward before, and this strange fact alone would have been enough to catch Edward off guard. Combined with the lingering memories from his trip and Jane’s abortion, he felt sick and sat down. As Jack spoke, Edward tried both to deflect the voice coming through the receiver and parse the terrible message that was being relayed. Who was gone? Why was Jack calling him?
“What?” It was all he could say.
Jack said it again. “She’s gone. I’m sorry.”
And all at once Edward understood that his mother had died. He didn’t know how that could be. Was she so sick? Had they ignored some sign? And yet he didn’t ask Jack how she had died. He only managed to ask when, a single-word question, whose answer—earlier that afternoon—was meaningless in the end, for it didn’t matter when. It only mattered that now and forever after, the woman who’d brought Edward so much confusion, loneliness, and pain was gone. And when he remembered that Birendra was in the room, watching him, he instinctively wanted to protect his nephew from this news, from the event, but looking at him, Edward knew it was already too late for that. Maybe the boy even recognized and translated the look on Edward’s face. Here he’d been contemplating his life without a family, without his own children, only to discover that he was now an adult without parents.