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Bree
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I WAS BORED. I HAD listened to the last few chapters of the audiobook and without Luke around, I was kind of stuck. I knew that was exactly what I wasn’t supposed to be. I was supposed to be learning independence. Getting up from the chair in the solarium, I made my way to the kitchen. It was something Luke and I had been working on. I could find my way to the fridge by myself, but picking something off the shelf without sticking my hand in something or knocking things over was a little trickier.
Feeling around, I found an apple and a bottle of water. “Good job Bree, you can get yourself a snack,” I murmured, carrying my bounty out to the patio.
My father was working from home today while Luke had the day off. I knew today was the big day. Luke was moving onto the property. Initially, I had been thrilled with the idea and had planned many sleepovers. Then he dumped me, so there wouldn’t be any sleepovers.
I sneezed, nearly tripping as I walked into a chair. I felt around for the table, put down my water and then took a seat. This damn cold was lingering. Luke had insisted I drink some stupid syrup that he absolutely swore by. It was too bitter. Or maybe it was me that was bitter.
Sitting in the quiet of the backyard, I listened to the birds, hearing the sound of the water fountain in the distance. It was so quiet. I felt very isolated, even though I knew there were neighbors, and my father wasn’t that far away. Being alone was something I had always been okay with before the accident. Now, when I was alone, I felt like I was on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
The counselor that had insisted on visiting me in the hospital kept telling me it would get better. She suggested I join support groups and work with an experienced rehab specialist. I hadn’t done either of those things. Doing that meant I was officially blind and would be for the rest of my life.
Once again, I realized I was walking the line. I had not chosen my team; seeing or not seeing. I wasn’t entirely convinced I even had a choice. Luke thought I did. My dad thought I did. And now the good doctor, Ellis Tanner said I did. But did I? Did I really have a choice?
“Penny for your thoughts,” I heard Luke say softly.
I twisted my head around. “I didn’t hear you come up.”
“I’m stealthy like that,” he said, and I could hear the smile in his voice. His hand rested on my shoulder. “Sorry, I should have made sure you heard me. How are you?”
“I’m fine.”
“How’s the cold?”
“Coming along.”
I heard a chair pull out and knew he was sitting down. “It’s nice out today.”
He wasn’t there to talk about the weather. He wasn’t there to see me because we were dating and he wasn’t working. I knew him well enough to know he wanted to talk about the surgery. “Okay. What’s on your mind?”
His soft laughter made me smile in spite of my mood. “You’re very perceptive.”
“I’m blind. Haven’t you heard? When you lose one sense, your others kick into high gear. I can hear the hesitation in your voice.”
“I’m not going to lie to you.”
“That’s good.”
“I was just having coffee with Ellis. Dr. Tanner.”
I had to fight to keep my lip from curling. “I know who Ellis is,” I said, my voice terse. “Did you have a nice time?”
“I did, but I wasn’t there to have a nice time. We talked about you. Well, not you specifically, but the surgery and her experience with it.”
Nodding slowly, I had nothing to say. “Oh.”
“She’s been all over the world, learning from the best. The surgery she is proposing sounds really promising. The people that have had it have had their vision restored.”
“Good for them.”
“Bree, I’ve asked Ellis to meet with you away from the hospital like we talked about.”
“And?”
“And she is willing to come here or meet you for coffee, whatever you’re comfortable with. And I can be there, or it can be just the two of you.”
“Did my dad put you up to this?” I asked.
“No. I haven’t even talked to him about it. This is totally up to you. And I don’t mean to pressure you. If you say no, then that’s that. I won’t say another word about it and I will support you no matter what you decide.”
Taking a drink of my water, I mulled over what I wanted to say. “You keep saying that, but I don’t get the feeling you think I shouldn’t do the surgery. You think I should let her cut into my eyes.”
“I think you should talk to her and ask any questions you have. I want you to be happy. I can feel your anxiety and your pain. I don’t want you to feel like you have to live in darkness for the rest of your life if there is the potential for another option.”
I groaned. I was so sick of talking about it. “I’ll think about it,” I said, repeating my usual answer.
He was quiet for a few minutes. “Okay. Let me know. I’m going to go unpack.”
“Have fun,” I said, realizing I sounded kind of snotty. “Sorry, I’m not mad at you. I’m just tired and this cold is making me cranky.”
“It’s okay. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
As I heard him walk away, I knew that he was trying to help. I knew his heart was in the right place and promised myself I would be better tomorrow. I would try to be normal and laugh with him. I didn’t want him to pity me. I reached for the apple, taking a bite and mulling over my life in general. I spent a lot of time with my thoughts and I was growing very tired of my own company.
“She’s alive!” Mel shouted. “And alone. Wow.”
“Ha. Ha. I spend a lot of time alone these days.”
She sat in the seat Luke had been in. “You look good,” she commented. “Really good. You’ve gotten a lot of sun lately.”
“I’ve been a bit of a beach bum. And now, a poolside bum.”
“Where’s your bodyguard?”
“Luke?”
“Do you have another one I didn’t know about? Is he hot, too?”
“Like I would know,” I scoffed.
“So, is there another one?”
“No, just Luke. He’s moving in.”
I heard her gasp. “What? What the hell did I miss? A girl goes away for a week and suddenly you’ve got a live-in boyfriend.”
“He’s not living in here. He’s moving into the cottage on the edge of the property. My dad wants him nearby in case he has to leave for work or something like that.”
“Does that mean you’re going to be sneaking out and getting a little midnight delight?”
I scoffed. “First of all, I would probably end up next door or in the pool if I tried to sneak out by myself. Secondly, we’re not seeing each other anymore.”
“What? That has to be the shortest romance ever!”
“No shit,” I mumbled. “He dumped me.”
“What are you talking about? He was so into you.”
“Apparently not. We met an old friend of his at the hospital and he suddenly decided we should keep things professional.”
“I can tell by the way you are talking that the old friend is a woman,” she said.
“Yes, she is. The old friend is some famous doctor. She wants to try out a new surgery that isn’t even done in the United States, but she’s done it in India or London or something. She wants to cut into my eyes and he thinks I should I let her. I feel like his view is jaded by whatever past he has with her.”
“How do you know he has a past?”
“I could tell by the way his voice changed. And hers. She was very excited to see him. I felt like I was intruding on their conversation. About me.”
“Uh-oh, someone’s little green monster is alive and well,” she said with a laugh.
Somehow, I didn’t feel like laughing. “He dumped me a week after he met her. She’s a doctor. I know she’s beautiful. I could hear it in her voice.”
“You can’t tell someone is beautiful by their voice,” she retorted.
“I can. She’s a beautiful doctor. I can’t compete with that.”
“Why would you compete with that?” she asked.
I sighed. “You know what I mean. She has everything. I’m blind helpless. I have nothing to offer. I can’t even do things with him unless he helps me. He’ll always be babysitting me. I can do sex. That’s it. I can go swimming in my pool, but I can’t go to the beach with him. I can’t go shopping with him. I can’t go sight-seeing. I feel like a half a woman. I can’t blame him for going for the beautiful doctor.”
Her hand touched mine. “You are beautiful and I can assure you, you are whole. You have a lot to offer.”
“Oh, come on. I’m a burden and you know it. My father had to hire him to take care of me because I need taking care of. I feel like a little kid. I can’t do anything for myself.”
“Stop it this minute,” she said firmly. “I’m not going to sit here and listen to you feeling sorry for yourself. We’ve already talked about this several times. You are not to be pitied. Plenty of people with visual impairments live full and vibrant lives. When you want to quit being a burden, you’ll get up and take charge of your life. This is all on you. You can feel as useful as you want or as burdensome as you want. You have a strong support team willing to help you get on your feet, but you have to choose to do it.”
“He thinks I should get the surgery,” I complained. “What if he’s only telling me to do it because she wants to try it. I’m not a guinea pig.”
“What if he wants you to get the surgery because he wants you to have your life back?”
“Yeah, so he can move on and not feel guilty,” I mumbled.
“Alright, let’s go back to this breakup. What happened?”
“He feels weird taking money to have sex with me,” I repeated his words.
She sputtered. “Uh, yeah, I think that’s illegal. Prostitution, it’s called. He doesn’t want to be a gigolo. You can’t blame him.”
“It isn’t like we only have sex. He should get paid. He makes me food and carts me around. He makes sure I don’t die.”
“All very good qualities, but what else did he say about the breakup?”
I let out a sigh. “He said, if I get the surgery and get my sight back, I won’t need him to help me and we can be together.”
She was quiet for a second. “He said he doesn’t want to be with you if you’re blind?”
“No, not exactly. He said, if I chose not to have surgery, then I need to start the rehab process to learn to live on my own. He said he would be with me, but not as my caregiver. He wants to take care of me, but he can’t afford not to get paid.”
She slapped at my knee. “Dammit, Bree! You made it sound like he dumped you because you were blind. Whew! I thought my judgement was way off. He’s a good man. I think he may well right to keep things separate. He’s a good one, Bree. Don’t let him get away over stupid jealousy. You’re just feeling insecure, that’s all and it’s understandable, but don’t be bad decisions because of it.”
“You think I should get the surgery?”
“I think you need to get informed and make a decision for yourself one way or another. We’ve all kind of stayed back and let you languish, but now it’s time to choose your life. If you get the surgery and it doesn’t work, you can finally be done with all the doctors. You can get all those cool gadgets I’ve been checking out and get your own place. I know you can do this, but you have to believe it. You could do all that without getting the surgery too, but I’m afraid you would stay in limbo.”
I knew she was right. They were all right. “I’ll call Luke and ask him to set up a meeting with the doctor. I’ll hear her out and then make a decision.”
“Good girl. Now, let’s go get something a little more filling than an apple.”
