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Luke
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IT WAS VERY WEIRD TO be sitting in the living room with my sister. I hadn’t seen her in years, and had barely said more than a few words to her in all that time as well. To have her sitting beside me on the couch, eating a slice of pizza and drinking a beer made me feel like I was in some alternate universe.
“You two are a thing, aren’t you?” Lisa asked.
“Who?” I replied, playing dumb.
“You and Bree.”
“No.”
“Liar. I can tell by the way you look at her. You look at her like she’s a fragile little thing that only you can take care of.”
I shook my head. “She isn’t fragile. She’s tough and can be really strong.”
“Luke, I know you. You like her.”
I sighed, knowing she wasn’t going to let it go unless I confessed. “We had a very brief thing. I ended it. We want to be together, but I can’t be with her when I’m being paid to be her caregiver.”
She grinned. “I knew it! I know she doesn’t necessarily see you, but she has that look on her face when you are around. She likes you.”
“I know she does. I like her, too.”
“Why did you end things?”
I shook my head. “Because it’s hard to be both a boyfriend and the guy that has to tell her when to get out of bed or that she needs to exercise. It’s also very weird to get paid to spend time with your girlfriend. I don’t want to leave her just yet, not until I know which way things are going to go. I want to be there for her. I can do that if I’m working. If I have to get a different job, I won’t get to see her very much.”
“Are you worried she’ll fall for the next guy?” she asked.
I knew my sister well enough to know that she wasn’t trying to come off as rude. It just came naturally to her. She had no filter, no tact, and she could sound obnoxious without even trying. “No, I’m not worried at all. I want what’s best for her.”
She took a drink from her beer before turning her blue eyes that looked so much like my own to focus on me. She was studying me, making me squirm a little. “How hard is it for you to be near her and not touch her?”
I smiled. “Very.”
She laughed. “I knew it. Explain again this little break the two of you are on.”
“As you heard, she has the chance to get her vision back, assuming the surgery is a success. She isn’t sure if she wants to do it. It’s been a long road for her. Doctors get her hopes up only to dash them. She’s battling some serious depression. She’s afraid to get her hopes up only to come out of the surgery with no eyesight and possible complications.”
“But I imagine Ellis is really good at what she does,” Lisa said.
“I’m sure she is, but Bree has been to several other doctors that were supposed to be the best in the field and they let her down.”
“Why wouldn’t she want to try though? I mean, if there is a chance, who in their right mind wouldn’t jump at it?”
I shrugged. “I guess it’s kind of hard for us to know what goes through her mind since we’re not in her shoes. I would guess she is scared of what it means if the surgery fails.”
“If the surgery fails, she’s blind, but she’s already blind. What does she have to lose?”
I reached for another slice of pizza. “Hope. She has hope to lose. If the surgery fails, then it means all the other doctors were right and that she’s permanently blind with no more options. Can you imagine what that must be like for her? I think she wants to know that others have gone through this surgery and come out just fine. Not a handful of people, but like something as simple as getting your appendix out.”
She nodded with understanding. “I get it, but I still don’t understand why you are on the break. What happens if she doesn’t get the surgery?”
“Then I quit as her caregiver and she learns to live independently. Then we can be together, as boyfriend and girlfriend.”
She sighed, shaking her head. “Luke, you are going to be her caregiver still. The only difference is you won’t be getting paid and you will be an emotional hostage all over again. You told me you were leaving Texas to get away from mom, yet you immediately find yourself the only woman in California that is a version of mom. You can’t always take care of someone.”
“It isn’t like that and you know nothing about the situation,” I snapped.
“Isn’t it? You are attracted to sickly women.”
“No, I’m not. Bree isn’t sick and I sure as hell wasn’t attracted to mom.”
“You know what I mean. You gravitate to people who are needy. She’s only going to suck the life out of you just like mom did. You’re going to find yourself miserable and looking for an escape.”
I shot her a dirty look. “You would know all about escaping, wouldn’t you?”
She looked properly ashamed. “I suppose I do.”
“Bree isn’t mom. She is struggling right now, but I know she’s going to get better and I don’t mean getting her sight back. She’s going to learn to cope. A couple weeks ago, she was doing really well. We were going to the beach, out to lunch and doing things that she loved. She came alive. I know that if she chooses not to get the surgery, it will be okay. She has to decide what is right for her. I can’t make that decision for her and neither can her father. Once she makes her decision, she’ll go all in.”
Lisa was quiet for a few seconds. “Don’t let yourself get strapped down with someone who only has their own interests in mind. You deserve to be loved and treated well. You deserve to have someone look after you now and again.”
I scoffed. “That’s rich coming from you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You bailed on me the first chance you got. You left a fifteen-year-old boy to take care of an ailing woman.”
She rolled her eyes. “She wasn’t ailing. The only part of that woman that is sick is her brain. I couldn’t live in that toxic environment another minute. When Alan came along, I jumped at the chance to get the hell out of that house and out of Texas.”
“And you left me!” I shouted. “Dad left. You left. All of you left me. I was the one stuck holding the bag.”
“I’m sorry Luke. I really am, but you seemed to be okay with her. It seemed like you enjoyed taking care of her. She doted on you and acted like I was the spawn of Satan. I couldn’t live like that another minute. It was draining me. It was slowly killing me and I know it would have if I would have stayed there. I had no other options. I’m not smart like you. I wasn’t ever going to be able to afford to go to college. Alan was my best chance. I took it. I didn’t think about what it would mean to you. I’m sorry.”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t suppose you did think about it. None of you did.”
“Why didn’t you leave when you turned eighteen?” she asked.
“I couldn’t,” I answered truthfully. “I got accepted to the University of Florida and I even had a full scholarship.”
She groaned. “Oh Luke, why didn’t you go?”
I looked at her. “You know why. She suddenly took a turn for the worse. She spent weeks in the hospital. It’s not like I could just leave.”
Lisa shook her head. “I didn’t know. I thought you wanted to stay because of your modeling jobs.”
“I could have modeled in Florida,” I spat. “You didn’t know because you didn’t want to know. You washed your hands of the whole situation.”
“I called to check on you several times, Mom always told me you were gone or you were busy. You weren’t exactly talking to me either.”
“Because I was pissed. I’m still pissed.”
“You’re much stronger than I was,” she said in a soft voice. “I saw you with her and you were so patient. You were a natural when it came to taking care of her. I couldn’t do it. I just got angrier and angrier and hated her more every day. She wasn’t exactly fond of me either.”
I was still mad and I was still hurt that she had been able to walk away from me without a second thought, but I understood her reasons. “Are you going to see her?” I asked.
“I don’t know.”
“You should,” I told her.
“I want to, but what if she hates me?”
I heard the childlike fear in her voice. “She doesn’t hate you.”
“She has never forgiven me for leaving. She’s pissed that I got married without saying anything to anyone. She’s pissed that I wasn’t around.”
I shrugged. “She’ll get over it or she won’t. You don’t have to worry about it; you’ll be going back home. If she doesn’t want to talk to you, that’s her loss.”
“You’re a pretty smart kid, even if you are a pain in the ass,” she teased.
“I haven’t been a kid for a long time. I’m not sure I was a kid when I was actually a kid.”
She shook her head, taking a bite of pizza. “No, you weren’t. We were both forced to grow up way too fast. I blame her.”
“I blame dad,” I replied.
She laughed. “We got a really shitty deal in the whole parent situation.”
“Yes, we did, but I think we both turned out okay.”
“Speak for yourself. I’m a hot mess.”
“I’ve got my own issues, but in the grand scheme of things, we’re doing alright.”
She smiled and for one brief moment, I was taken back to happier days when she and I would hang out and eat pizza while mom slept off one of her headaches. “I have to say, when I heard you were moving to California, I really didn’t think it would stick. I figured you would turn around before you ever made it to the west coast.”
“I almost did, several times, but I’m determined to break free. I have to.”
She reached over and put her hand on my arm. “Yes, you do. You’ve got a good thing going here. I’m not sure I like the idea of you taking on another invalid, but I like you trying to have your own life.”
I frowned. “Bree isn’t an invalid.”
“Then she should stop acting like one.”
“She’s trying.”
“Is she?” she questioned. “That surgery certainly seems like a ticket out of her misery. Think about Mom. Think about the choices she’s made. She doesn’t have to be sick. You and I both know most of the time she isn’t sick. She makes herself sick and expects everyone else to take care of her and pity her. She’s made a life out of being a victim.”
“Bree isn’t like that.”
“Mom didn’t use to be like that either. You might not even remember her when she was healthy and happy. It was like one day she caught a cold, and the next thing I knew, it was ten years later and that cold had morphed into every serious illness on the planet. She liked the attention she got and couldn’t let it go.”
“Bree isn’t Mom. She’s going to get through this. It’s still very new and there is a lot of trauma to deal with.”
“Okay, but don’t let it go on. If she wants to be sick, that’s her choice. You don’t have to be the one that takes care of her.”
I nodded. “I know. I get it. I won’t do that again.”
