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Bree
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IT WAS GETTING VERY old. I felt like I had gotten a little more sleep, but it wasn’t nearly enough. I needed real sleep. I thought about calling a makeup artist to come over and give me a little makeover. I wanted to look like I was well rested. Then, I would call Ellis and ask her to meet me for lunch. She would seem me looking beautiful and declare I was fit for surgery.
I had listened to her lecture about wanting the surgery for the right reasons. She had given me the right answers and I would use them when she talked to me. She said I had to want the surgery for me and that I needed a good support system.
I did want the surgery for me, but I also wanted it because I wanted to be good enough for Luke. I wanted to show Luke I was worthy of being his girlfriend. I wanted him to see how fun I could be. I wanted him to see the other parts of me that had been quieted with the loss of my sight.
Knowing there was no chance I was going to be able to sleep right now, I got out of bed and went to the shower. I washed my hair, taking far longer than usual in the shower. I wanted to put on makeup. I wanted to feel pretty and normal again.
I was hoping my dad would be at work. I didn’t want to see him. I laughed as I realized what I had just thought. I wasn’t going to see anything, let alone him. “Dad?” I said, nice and loud.
There wasn’t an answer and I breathed a sigh of relief. I started my coffee and put a couple pieces of bread in the toaster. I realized then that I had started creating my new normal. I had fought against it for weeks. I didn’t want blind to be my new normal. Then again, I did like having a routine. It made me feel like I had a life.
I sipped the coffee and let the caffeine infuse my blood. For the first time since I had woken up from the accident, I had hope for a normal life. It wasn’t the life I wanted but there was no point in dwelling on it.
Just then I heard the back door open and I froze. I wanted it to be Luke, yet I didn’t want it to be Luke somehow. He didn’t want to be around blind, sad, insomniac me. Then again, if it wasn’t Luke, I was about to be robbed or worse.
“Luke?”
“Hi,” he answered.
I stood there, holding my cup and not knowing what to say. “I thought you quit.”
“No, I didn’t quit.”
“My dad said you were taking a break, which meant you were looking for a job.”
“I took a couple days,” he answered.
“I’ll be fine. You are not obligated to be here. I’ll be fine. I don’t need you.”
I heard his footsteps coming closer. “Don’t do that.”
“Don’t do what? Be honest?”
“I just needed a day or two. I’m here now.”
I shook my head. I didn’t want to feel the pain of losing him all over again. If I didn’t get my sight back, he was going to end up walking out on me eventually. I thought it best to get it over with.
“Go,” I said, suddenly overcome with emotion.
His arms went around me, holding me close. I held out my coffee cup to keep from spilling it on him as my tears spilled down my face. I hated that I was crying and I didn’t want to appear weak. I didn’t want him to see me as a poor little girl that needed to be pitied.
He held me while I cried it out. “You don’t need to be here,” I said, after I pulled myself together.
“I want to be here.”
“I don’t think you do.”
“I owe you an explanation. Can we talk?”
“My schedule is clear,” I said with a laugh.
“Solarium?”
“Sure.”
We walked into the room, taking our seats and getting comfortable. I was a little nervous about what he was going to say. On the other hand, I was looking forward to actually learning more about him. He had been a closed book about who he was before he landed in California.
“My mom is what some people call a hypochondriac. But unlike a hypochondriac, she actually makes herself sick. She has had more medical problems than any normal human.”
“She seemed healthy when she was here,” I said.
“She is healthy,” he said. “Until she doesn’t want to be. She’s healthy until she decides she isn’t getting enough attention from me. My mother has held me as her emotional hostage for most of my life. I gave up so much because she made me feel like I had to. She used me. I don’t think she ever loved me. She just wanted me to fawn over her and shower her with attention. She wanted to be in control and when she was sick, she had all the control. I would skip classes, call in sick to work, cancel dates, anything she asked whenever she was sick.”
I had a little more understanding about why he was freaked out by my latest episode. I wasn’t sure if it was enough. “Do you think I’m purposely making myself sick?”
“No, definitely not,” he said, but the way he said it made me think he did believe that.
“Luke, I know when you’re lying. You’re lying.”
He sighed. “I’m not lying.”
“You’re not being honest.”
“I just, I don’t know, it’s just, I think this insomnia thing, you’re bringing it on yourself.”
My mouth dropped open. “Are you serious?”
“I know that sounds like an asshole thing to say, but you’ve got a good life here Bree. Your dad loves you. You have a great best friend. You have a lot going for you. You are stressing yourself out for nothing. It doesn’t need to be that way. You have to let go of that stuff my mom said.”
“And what about you?” I asked. “Do I have you?”
“Yes. I’m here, but I need you to fight.”
“What do you mean fight?”
“I mean I think you should talk to a professional about all this stuff you are internalizing. I don’t know how to help you. I can take care of injuries and make you breakfast and make sure you don’t hurt yourself, but I don’t know how to help you feel better.”
“You want me to snap out of it?”
“That’s not what I mean.”
“Isn’t it?”
“I want you to talk to me. I want you to tell me what’s on your mind. Talk to me as a friend.”
“Okay. I’m worried about the surgery. I’m worried I won’t be good enough for you. I’m worried I’m going to wake up from the surgery and still be blind and you’re going to leave me.”
I heard him move. His hands took mine and I felt him kneeling in front of me. “Bree, I don’t want to leave you. I want to be with you. I don’t care if you get your sight back or not. I only care about you being healthy and happy. I want you to be happy. I hate seeing you miserable. I hate that I can’t make you better.”
I could feel the tears flowing once again. “I will try. I just get in my head and I can’t find my way out of it. You are right, I have been wallowing. It isn’t something I like to do. I don’t want to do it.”
“I know things are going to be difficult and I know you are going to have some bad days. I have bad days. We all do. When you are feeling like you are drowning, reach out. Reach out before you go under.”
I nodded. The weight I had felt was miraculously lifted from me. “Okay. I can do that.”
“Good. Now, as your nurse and your friend, I have to tell you, it is time to sleep.”
“I slept a little last night,” I argued.
His hand touched my face. “Good. Why don’t we go lay down? If you can’t sleep, that’s fine. We’ll just lay together and rest.”
“You’ll stay with me?”
“Absolutely.”
“Does my dad know you are here?”
“Yes. I told him I was going to stay on.”
“Was he happy about it?” I asked. I had gotten the impression my dad was happy Luke was leaving. I knew he was only appeasing me when he said he was okay with me and Luke being together. He would never truly approve of me dating a nurse. He wanted me with a mover and shaker that was going to be some corporate hotshot one day. Luke did not have that future.
“He was. Well, maybe happy isn’t the right word, but he did tell me he wanted me to stay, at least through the recovery period.”
I smiled. “Alright then, it’s settled.”
“Can we go lay down now?”
“Are you suggesting laying down or are you going to put the moves on me?”
He laughed. “I will keep my hands to myself.”
He got to his feet and pulled me up. Together we walked back to my bedroom. We got under the covers, with him spooning me. For the first time in a week, my mind was quiet. His arm wrapped around me, holding me close to him.
“I’m tired,” I whispered feeling my body relax.
“I bet you are sweetheart,” he murmured next to my ear. “Let your body relax. Let’s start with the relaxation technique we’ve been working on.”
I smiled, my eyes refusing to open. I did as he instructed, starting with my toes and slowly moving up my body. “I’m asleep,” I mumbled, my lips too tired to move.
“Shh, I’ve got you. I’m here. I won’t move.”
I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t say anything. Six days without restful sleep had caught up with me. I was sinking fast and I didn’t try to fight it. I fell asleep with him holding me tight. As I drifted into the sleep world, my thoughts were positive. I thought about my future, but it was without the dread and fear I had been feeling for so long.
I felt safe in his arms and like no matter what the future held for me, Luke was there. He would be there to hold me and comfort me as long as I did my part. I couldn’t let myself get back to that point where I let the negative thoughts dominate my world.
