This play was first performed by Grey Swan at the Brockley Jack Studio Theatre on 14 July 2011.
STELLA is an escort in her twenties. Alan, whose life is in a mess, thinks he is in love with STELLA after a series of ‘dates’ and asks her to move in with him. However, it all goes horribly wrong. Alan hates the thought of her having been with so many men and he can’t get it out of his head. In this monologue, we hear how STELLA really feels about her past.
I’ve had so many men in me it’s like my insides have been
fucked out.
I’ve had men who fuck me until I’m empty, who fuck me like
they’re fighting a war, fuck me to split me up the middle, fuck
me until I’m useless, a boneless wreck shattered across the
bed.
And yes I play along every time
I lie on the bed like he has overpowered me
play dead for him as he zips up his trousers
breathe urgently as he empties his wallet on the bedside table
wrap my arms around my body as though I’m holding myself
together.
I can never bare to look at them afterwards
So I cower a little
let you believe I’m terrified to look into your eyes
as though one look and I’d collapse into a puddle on the floor.
I pull my clothes on and feel your taste in my mouth
I want to spit you, your taste, out of my mouth.
And then you
Tug at your shirt sleeves adjust your tie
I smile.
And when the door clicks shut I hold still for as long as I can.
Try and scratch your face out of my brain
hold my breath to fill me up
but there’s always something left.
I have to live with all those men still inside me. Not you.